Ended relationship with suspected BPD boyfriend - not sure what to expect next

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all - I'm new to the forums and not entirely sure how the boards work, so I've cross-posted this from the Newbies board. Hope that's ok. Really what I want to know is whether anyone else thinks my ex sounds like he might have BPD, and what patterns tend to be like after a relationship breaks down.

Until very recently I had a boyfriend for 18 months, after coming out of an abusive 10 year marriage (I believe this is why I was susceptible to the idealisation, but I did grow to love him for the person he is). A few months in I began to suspect he may have BPD (I can’t diagnose but I work in the counseling profession so have a small amount of knowledge).

He started out incredibly charming, and strongly idealised me, despite my attempts to encourage balance and realistic expectations. At times it seemed he was copying my traits and aspects of my life. Around five months into the relationship, he suspected I was withdrawing from him and cut contact with me for a few days. It was quite a shock after the idealization, but things were soon back on track so I swept it under the carpet.

Three months later, he became very angry at me again, this time because someone else had asked me on a date and although I'd declined, it made my ex feel very insecure. In retaliation he listed himself as single on social networking website we both use and was openly flirting with someone else, saying he was looking for a new relationship. I told him I was hurt by this, and what then ensued was a good 48 hours of verbal abuse from him over instant messanger, as he said I’d wrecked our relationship by flirting with someone else, and he was only doing it because I did it first. He accused me of all sorts of things, said it was obvious he wasn’t enough for me and I was always going to be unfaithful to him etc etc etc. It was my first experience of someone’s rage.

At the time I was so confused and afraid by the barrage that I apologized profusely, and after about a week of not talking to me, what followed was a gorgeous honeymoon period where we kissed and made up, it was back to idealisation and he admitted he had acted like a hypocrite.

Three months later, he blew up at me again and cut me out of his life for three weeks. This was because I had tried to help him during a suicide attempt. A few hours after the event (and a significant amount of time with psych services in A&E) he texted me to say the relationship was over because he felt I had tried to control him and he could no longer trust me. He cut me out of his life and would not let me talk to him or his family, so I was frantic with worry, not knowing if he was still in danger. A week after, I saw that he was on dating sites and I know he went on a couple of dates during that time. Three weeks later we reconciled and there was another intense honeymoon period where he apologized profusely and idealized me yet again, telling me I’d saved his life. He said that he had ended the relationship as he was so terrified I would end it first after I’d seen him in such a bad place. He said he’d come to that conclusion because of the way I’d looked at him.

Another three months later, and he ended things yet again. This time it was because my ex-husband (who has a history of stalking me) targeted my boyfriend’s car, and my boyfriend felt I didn’t take a hard enough line over it (even though I reported it to the police and my ex received a caution). He told me I was clearly still in a relationship with my ex, and he wanted a break in our relationship until I worked it out. I'm not in any way in a relationship with my ex, with whom I only have contact regarding our children, and had no idea how to prove this to him. After a week of not talking to each other we reconciled, though this time we didn’t exactly have much of a honeymoon period and he said some awful things to me.

Another three months on and he started simply giving me the cold shoulder. He seemed to be spending more time talking to someone else (I don’t know who, I just know he was active on IM but ignoring my messages) but became angry if I ever brought it up, claiming “we get on better when we don’t communicate”. After wanting to be a significant part of my life, he had recently started saying that all that was now meaningless to him and didn’t matter anymore. He said he was trying to be more like me, by not caring about the relationship or seeing it as important (the relationship was actually incredibly important to me). I reached out to him for support at this time and he rejected me. This time we just kind of stopped talking - the conversation just ended and didn't restart. I initially made no effort to make contact as I was so hurt and confused, and I have now not spoken to him for two months. After a while I got the hint and dropped his things off at his house, and he gave me back my keys. Unlike the other times he’s not ranted and raged at me, but if I try for any contact at all, he gives me one-word answers and I get no more. He deleted me from his FB friends so I guess he wants to be NC. I haven't tried to talk to him since all my efforts were rebuffed.

After several cycles of this it’s hard for me to move on as I have no idea if he’ll ever contact me again and while my professional head says he might, I am so confused by it all in reality. I feel like I need to give some thought to where I go next and I need to be prepared. My head is spinning with it all and I have no idea what to think. It’s been such a roller coaster ride I feel a bit traumatised by it all.

Since the suicide attempt he has fought hard to access psych services and I know he's now seeing a psychologist. I have no idea if he's been diagnosed or not, but I know he's getting help. I love him and I worry about him and I'm glad he's seeking help, but he's not open to any kind of approach to me and I won't push that on him if he doesn't want it. Apart from these cycles, he has a history of violent behaviour and anger management problems, and also of splitting people black and giving them the silent treatment. Several members of his family have been hurt by this, though I think he's genuinely trying to stop doing it.

I suppose what I don't know is whether he's just walked away from the relationship totally, or if this is some kind of silent treatment. He seems to work in cycles, and I don't know enough about BPD to know if this is usual or not. I guess I just want to be prepared.

Any thoughts welcomed. Apologies again for the length.

[Suspicious1]

Hi all - I'm new to the forums and not entirely sure how the boards work, so I've cross-posted this from the Newbies board. Hope that's ok. Really what I want to know is whether anyone else thinks my ex sounds like he might have BPD, and what patterns tend to be like after a relationship breaks down.

Until very recently I had a boyfriend for 18 months, after coming out of an abusive 10 year marriage (I believe this is why I was susceptible to the idealisation, but I did grow to love him for the person he is). A few months in I began to suspect he may have BPD (I can’t diagnose but I work in the counseling profession so have a small amount of knowledge).

He started out incredibly charming, and strongly idealised me, despite my attempts to encourage balance and realistic expectations. At times it seemed he was copying my traits and aspects of my life. Around five months into the relationship, he suspected I was withdrawing from him and cut contact with me for a few days. It was quite a shock after the idealization, but things were soon back on track so I swept it under the carpet.

Three months later, he became very angry at me again, this time because someone else had asked me on a date and although I'd declined, it made my ex feel very insecure. In retaliation he listed himself as single on social networking website we both use and was openly flirting with someone else, saying he was looking for a new relationship. I told him I was hurt by this, and what then ensued was a good 48 hours of verbal abuse from him over instant messanger, as he said I’d wrecked our relationship by flirting with someone else, and he was only doing it because I did it first. He accused me of all sorts of things, said it was obvious he wasn’t enough for me and I was always going to be unfaithful to him etc etc etc. It was my first experience of someone’s rage.

At the time I was so confused and afraid by the barrage that I apologized profusely, and after about a week of not talking to me, what followed was a gorgeous honeymoon period where we kissed and made up, it was back to idealisation and he admitted he had acted like a hypocrite.

Three months later, he blew up at me again and cut me out of his life for three weeks. This was because I had tried to help him during a suicide attempt. A few hours after the event (and a significant amount of time with psych services in A&E) he texted me to say the relationship was over because he felt I had tried to control him and he could no longer trust me. He cut me out of his life and would not let me talk to him or his family, so I was frantic with worry, not knowing if he was still in danger. A week after, I saw that he was on dating sites and I know he went on a couple of dates during that time. Three weeks later we reconciled and there was another intense honeymoon period where he apologized profusely and idealized me yet again, telling me I’d saved his life. He said that he had ended the relationship as he was so terrified I would end it first after I’d seen him in such a bad place. He said he’d come to that conclusion because of the way I’d looked at him.

Another three months later, and he ended things yet again. This time it was because my ex-husband (who has a history of stalking me) targeted my boyfriend’s car, and my boyfriend felt I didn’t take a hard enough line over it (even though I reported it to the police and my ex received a caution). He told me I was clearly still in a relationship with my ex, and he wanted a break in our relationship until I worked it out. I'm not in any way in a relationship with my ex, with whom I only have contact regarding our children, and had no idea how to prove this to him. After a week of not talking to each other we reconciled, though this time we didn’t exactly have much of a honeymoon period and he said some awful things to me.

Another three months on and he started simply giving me the cold shoulder. He seemed to be spending more time talking to someone else (I don’t know who, I just know he was active on IM but ignoring my messages) but became angry if I ever brought it up, claiming “we get on better when we don’t communicate”. After wanting to be a significant part of my life, he had recently started saying that all that was now meaningless to him and didn’t matter anymore. He said he was trying to be more like me, by not caring about the relationship or seeing it as important (the relationship was actually incredibly important to me). I reached out to him for support at this time and he rejected me. This time we just kind of stopped talking - the conversation just ended and didn't restart. I initially made no effort to make contact as I was so hurt and confused, and I have now not spoken to him for two months. After a while I got the hint and dropped his things off at his house, and he gave me back my keys. Unlike the other times he’s not ranted and raged at me, but if I try for any contact at all, he gives me one-word answers and I get no more. He deleted me from his FB friends so I guess he wants to be NC. I haven't tried to talk to him since all my efforts were rebuffed.

After several cycles of this it’s hard for me to move on as I have no idea if he’ll ever contact me again and while my professional head says he might, I am so confused by it all in reality. I feel like I need to give some thought to where I go next and I need to be prepared. My head is spinning with it all and I have no idea what to think. It’s been such a roller coaster ride I feel a bit traumatised by it all.

Since the suicide attempt he has fought hard to access psych services and I know he's now seeing a psychologist. I have no idea if he's been diagnosed or not, but I know he's getting help. I love him and I worry about him and I'm glad he's seeking help, but he's not open to any kind of approach to me and I won't push that on him if he doesn't want it. Apart from these cycles, he has a history of violent behaviour and anger management problems, and also of splitting people black and giving them the silent treatment. Several members of his family have been hurt by this, though I think he's genuinely trying to stop doing it.

I suppose what I don't know is whether he's just walked away from the relationship totally, or if this is some kind of silent treatment. He seems to work in cycles, and I don't know enough about BPD to know if this is usual or not. I guess I just want to be prepared.

Any thoughts welcomed. Apologies again for the length.