Can someone explain the EXTREME attraction I (we) have for the BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was pondering everything last night. I even looked through some of the absolutely crazy insane Skype transcripts from when we first met. You would think that would be the worse thing to be looking at right now. At the time we had those interactions though, I had NO IDEA she was a pwBPD or even what BPD was! As I read through the dialog (chats), I can clearly see it all - plain as day. Today, I would never pursue something like that. Which means either I was broken back then, or I simply did not know what I was even dealing with. She truly had me off kilter back then! Big time. Maybe it was both - I was a bit broken, and had no idea how toxic this was that I was getting involved with. But MY GOD! I am attracted to her in the worse way! She was intelligent, witty, confident, passionate, so interesting! But she was so unstable - and I kept coming back for more pain as if it were a bad drug!

Today, I do feel more at ease about the breakup. But one thing just kept eating at me. WHY? WHY? WHY? Why is the BPD SO attractive and alluring? What is it that they possess? Or is it that I am broken in some way that I wanted her and accepted her? I know I am still not quite right. I can feel it. I am afraid that if she came along right now, I might just go with her! If she showed up here and smiled, and poured on the charm, I would probably sleep with her! And not even think twice about it. The attraction is TREMENDOUS! It's hard to let go of this. She is crazy as can be, and yet I never felt so alive when I had her. I hear that song by John Legend (All of Me) and the line is "You're crazy and I'm out of mind". It describes our dance perfectly. She constantly would be dropping me on my head, and I could not get enough of her.

I live in the Philippines now. And I think I need to move to another island! I have to be away from here. I am afraid of what I might do if she shows up.

[whiskey]

I was pondering everything last night. I even looked through some of the absolutely crazy insane Skype transcripts from when we first met. You would think that would be the worse thing to be looking at right now. At the time we had those interactions though, I had NO IDEA she was a pwBPD or even what BPD was! As I read through the dialog (chats), I can clearly see it all - plain as day. Today, I would never pursue something like that. Which means either I was broken back then, or I simply did not know what I was even dealing with. She truly had me off kilter back then! Big time. Maybe it was both - I was a bit broken, and had no idea how toxic this was that I was getting involved with. But MY GOD! I am attracted to her in the worse way! She was intelligent, witty, confident, passionate, so interesting! But she was so unstable - and I kept coming back for more pain as if it were a bad drug!

Today, I do feel more at ease about the breakup. But one thing just kept eating at me. WHY? WHY? WHY? Why is the BPD SO attractive and alluring? What is it that they possess? Or is it that I am broken in some way that I wanted her and accepted her? I know I am still not quite right. I can feel it. I am afraid that if she came along right now, I might just go with her! If she showed up here and smiled, and poured on the charm, I would probably sleep with her! And not even think twice about it. The attraction is TREMENDOUS! It's hard to let go of this. She is crazy as can be, and yet I never felt so alive when I had her. I hear that song by John Legend (All of Me) and the line is "You're crazy and I'm out of mind". It describes our dance perfectly. She constantly would be dropping me on my head, and I could not get enough of her.

I live in the Philippines now. And I think I need to move to another island! I have to be away from here. I am afraid of what I might do if she shows up.

[Green_eyes]

Hello Whiskey,

I can only speak from my own experience with my exBpd fiancé.

When we met I was in a vulnerable place and longing to find "the one" and someone who wasn't afraid to show their emotions and show their love. My previous committed relationship of 3 years had come to an end and I felt I needed someone different and more capable of showing emotion and affection.

My exBpd was wonderful during the idealization phase and seemed to worship me and truly made me feel special. As time went on I noticed a slight shift in our relationship but I enjoyed being there for him and helping him with any problems that seemed to be coming up in his life and they were beginning to come up on a more and more regular basis.

The longer the relationship the longer I would wait for that same kind if intensity of love to be felt. I waited for crumbs to be thrown my way and it felt so relieving and so incredibly satisfying to get those crumbs... .it became an addiction. The highs and lows and the wonderful feeling of getting those love crumbs, of pleasing him, or making him show me he "loved" me again.

I am in therapy and learning about my own family dynamics growing up and how those have played a major role in the relationship choices I have made in my adult life. I have seen that codependency and self sacrifice will leave you miserable and lost.

Look inside yourself and challenge yourself to believe that you deserve more.

It will happen when you are ready... .

[Ventus2ct]

John Legend, All of me……! My ex said that this was a song about us, it was our song!

I cannot explain the attraction, sure mine was half decent looking but I think it's the "package" the whole being, "Jack of all trades but masters of none". They after all mirror everything you want or need, this in turn makes the attraction even stronger and I guess their attitude to sex, using it as a commodity as opposed to what 2 normal people would use it for. Sex makes them feel wanted for a brief moment, it also gives them power, control. I have come to realize that sex was never or very rarely about me, it was about her. She liked to have the power and sex gave it to her on a plate but did she even enjoy sex, I seriously doubt it, it was a means to an end and that end being power/control.

I once remember after her giving me oral, her quote was "I love doing that as it's so empowering" never once was it about me.

I look back now and think she was everything in a person I wanted in life, I only wish she wasn't BPD but then I ask myself would she be the same person or not? Hell, we got on so well! But then I remind myself that this was during the idealization phase and wasn't real.

Having felt the extreme attraction and the happiness during this stage I struggle to understand if I will ever feel it again with anyone else.

I met a lovely girl a couple of weeks ago but for some reason I feel I need to end our friendship, she just doesn't do it for me like my ex did, it also makes me aware that I am clearly not over my ex, which is frustrating and annoying but very obvious to me.

[woofhound]

When my ex and i first got together it was a "too good to be true" scenario. I was still coping with my mothers alcoholism, and I was also partying a lot to fill the void. When we started talking about my issues she was eerily perfect in that she had a caring and seemingly empathetic solution to every problem. She "loved" me and wanted to "help" me through these issues. For the first few months it was this way. I was weak... .

After a while though, as i started to resolve the issues in my life, it was as if she still needed me to be weak. I won't say problems hadn't occurred before then, but thats when i became aware that something wasn't right. She kept behaving as if i hadn't grown any at. It was as if she needed to be the dominant force in the relationship. She would occasionally comment on my mother's problem in a negative way, and i would reply "i'm glad i'm not plagued by that anymore." To which she would generally give me a "yeah right" look... .Eventually all of my weaknesses, even those that i still work on to this day, were ammunition for her. By that point I was hooked. We couldn't move past the emotionally damaged me/healer her position. It didn't matter though; i had already, in her mind, given her all the power in the relationship. At that point it turned into a constant emotional struggle.

[Ventus2ct]

  given her all the power in the relationship. At that point it turned into a constant emotional struggle.

This was exactly where I got to with our relationship, I gave all the power to her, all the control because that is what I felt needed to happen, it was the last gasp attempt to try and prove I did indeed love her. Why? Because i was stupid and had dropped all boundaries and was weak!

[whiskey]

When I examined some of the text of our initial Skype dialog, I can see that almost immediately she was doing push/pull. She went from "I love you so much" to "I need time and space away from you. I don't know if I really want this". This drove me completely insane for the 4 months we did this. There were times even then I wanted to escape. But I was STILL drawn to her. It was EXTREMELY powerful. I can't overstate that.

Right up to the end, I can tell you that the sexual encounters we had were absolutely explosive. And I don't mean rage or anger. I could say that without a doubt, the encounters were more exhilarating than any sexual encounters in my life! THAT... .is very hard to say goodbye to.

[Ventus2ct]

Yes, I don't doubt that Whiskey. Mine would think that, she would dress up etc do all sorts of things but and this is a big BUT I was incredibly fortunate to have the most amazing sex I have ever had with a normal non, for 13 years. I am 43 and have been around the block a few times so to me the sex was good but not mind-blowing with my exBPD, it was the combined emotional connection/sex that was the drug for me with her.

Sex with my non ex was on a much deeper level, more intense, more natural, more giving more everything!

I deleted all my texts and mails, I do think now it would be most telling to be able to read through them all now, would prove very interesting.

The "push-pull" situation is just sick, it destroys you over a period of time, been there got the T shirt and know how it/you felt.

[Blimblam]

It is an addiction plain and simple.  The initial high from a BPD person is like heaven on earth. The thing you've been seeking your entire life that missing piece is found. On top of that you feel like her personal jesus and god rolled into one. It's like you have your own personal porn star.  They are so feminine and their coy playfull mannerisms and that little voice. The way they look at you. They become your best friend and seem to understand and accept the parts of you no one ever has ever and they love you for it.   Nothing compares to that.  It feels better than any drug.  Then like drugs they start to take a toll on your health. The push pull and all the times we save them created trama bonds and betrayal bonds when they eventually screw us over.

It's not like we started heroin. All we did was fall in love with a woman.  Nonetheless we are addicts.  

[woofhound]

  given her all the power in the relationship. At that point it turned into a constant emotional struggle.

This was exactly where I got to with our relationship, I gave all the power to her, all the control because that is what I felt needed to happen, it was the last gasp attempt to try and prove I did indeed love her. Why? Because i was stupid and had dropped all boundaries and was weak!

me too man. i sat all sorts of boundaries, she broke all of them, and i kept going back because of the "bond" we had (which was mirrored and therefore fake as hell)

[woofhound]

It is an addiction plain and simple.  The initial high from a BPD person is like heaven on earth. The thing you've been seeking your entire life that missing piece is found. On top of that you feel like her personal jesus and god rolled into one. It's like you have your own personal porn star.  They are so feminine and their coy playfull mannerisms and that little voice. The way they look at you. They become your best friend and seem to understand and accept the parts of you no one ever has ever and they love you for it.   Nothing compares to that.  It feels better than any drug.  Then like drugs they start to take a toll on your health. The push pull and all the times we save them created trama bonds and betrayal bonds when they eventually screw us over.

It's not like we started heroin. All we did was fall in love with a woman.  Nonetheless we are addicts.  

you just blew my mind... .i used to tell her that she thought she was jesus

[hergestridge]

I have ended up with a few BPD type people. When they have been girls I have tended to fall in love with them, and here's why:

They came to with no effort. They have all walked up to me where I have sat at a bench or sat down beside me in a sofa. They have then all "bonded" with me without paying any interest in me as a person whatsoever. I found that committment charming and intoxicating, possibly because I found the demands of normal people intimidating.

I was 21 when I met my wife and I'm 41 today. Had I dated during these years I'm sure I wouldn't have fallen for that.

[Ryan9181]

She went from "I love you so much" to "I need time and space away from you. I don't know if I really want this". This drove me completely insane for the 4 months we did this. There were times even then I wanted to escape. But I was STILL drawn to her. It was EXTREMELY powerful. I can't overstate that.

Right up to the end, I can tell you that the sexual encounters we had were absolutely explosive. And I don't mean rage or anger. I could say that without a doubt, the encounters were more exhilarating than any sexual encounters in my life! THAT... .is very hard to say goodbye to.

Wow Whiskey, this describes to a tee what I just went through after a 5 month r/s with an uBPD.  I am equally concerned I will not find this attraction again, it was so insane, I'm still trying to understand myself why it was so.   She was a total knockout with an amazing body, but it was also her energy and our passion for one another.   We always said that s*x was our strong point and kept us together and helped us "heal."   

I am very concerned I wont find that level of attraction again.   And I dont want to go on the rest of my life thinking back to that as the benchmark for the bedroom. 

I have been seeing a therapist for one month.  My relationship ended with my Ex just one week ago yesterday.  I sought therapy before the end (even tho we had breakups prior) because I knew I needed help and was concerned for myself why I could not let go of something that I knew was toxic.   Well she ended the relationship for us. 

So I go from really hurting inside to periods of clarity and gratitude.  I feel very alone.   Catching myself in old habits of texting girls from the past to relieve the loneliness, but this is not really "learning" or growing, I dont believe.   

I'm going one day at a time here, and its definitely not easy.   

[Ryan9181]

It is an addiction plain and simple.  The initial high from a BPD person is like heaven on earth. The thing you've been seeking your entire life that missing piece is found. On top of that you feel like her personal jesus and god rolled into one. It's like you have your own personal porn star.  They are so feminine and their coy playfull mannerisms and that little voice. The way they look at you. They become your best friend and seem to understand and accept the parts of you no one ever has ever and they love you for it.   Nothing compares to that.  It feels better than any drug.  Then like drugs they start to take a toll on your health. The push pull and all the times we save them created trama bonds and betrayal bonds when they eventually screw us over.

It's not like we started heroin. All we did was fall in love with a woman.  Nonetheless we are addicts. 

you just blew my mind... .i used to tell her that she thought she was jesus

wow this also just blew my mind.   It definitely felt like having my own personal P star, it was like being in heaven.   And she would send me these LONG texts the following mornings (if the night before was amazing) completely ADORING me and telling me the nicest and most loving things anyone had ever said to me (except they were on text, she had trouble expressing things like this to me verbally, or eye to eye).   

[woofhound]

It is an addiction plain and simple.  The initial high from a BPD person is like heaven on earth. The thing you've been seeking your entire life that missing piece is found. On top of that you feel like her personal jesus and god rolled into one. It's like you have your own personal porn star.  They are so feminine and their coy playfull mannerisms and that little voice. The way they look at you. They become your best friend and seem to understand and accept the parts of you no one ever has ever and they love you for it.   Nothing compares to that.  It feels better than any drug.  Then like drugs they start to take a toll on your health. The push pull and all the times we save them created trama bonds and betrayal bonds when they eventually screw us over.

It's not like we started heroin. All we did was fall in love with a woman.  Nonetheless we are addicts. 

you just blew my mind... .i used to tell her that she thought she was jesus

wow this also just blew my mind.   It definitely felt like having my own personal P star, it was like being in heaven.   And she would send me these LONG texts the following mornings (if the night before was amazing) completely ADORING me and telling me the nicest and most loving things anyone had ever said to me (except they were on text, she had trouble expressing things like this to me verbally, or eye to eye).   

Mine was this way too. It seemed she was far better at being intimate through text messages. I think this is because i could sometimes tell she was lying in person.

[Artisan]

I hear so many comparisons to our attraction to BPD as a drug.

Drugs do less damage.

[Huh?]

I was thinking about this today.  I came to this conclusion, as I slowly (try) to begin talking to other women again.  The reason I was so attracted to my BPD relationships... .was because they actually seemed interested in me... .like right away, instantly.  I never had to wait more than a day to hear from there when we first met.  There were no games, just pure interest.   I found that amazing.  Quick attachment, quick disposal.  Found that out twice in a row.

[Blimblam]

Aphrodite and Mary magdaline and Cinderella all wrapped into one.  They look in your eyes and you feel the love you've been searching for your entire life. Nothing compares. She is the princess of fairy tales the damsel in distress.  She triggers your inner savior on all front and it becomes a porno and an epic love story. 

[Caredverymuch]

  given her all the power in the relationship. At that point it turned into a constant emotional struggle.

This was exactly where I got to with our relationship, I gave all the power to her, all the control because that is what I felt needed to happen, it was the last gasp attempt to try and prove I did indeed love her. Why? Because i was stupid and had dropped all boundaries and was weak!

Venus, I did this too. It was the last of the "upping the ante bc we are in love" manipulations.   

[Harri]

What causes the extreme attraction?  They mirror our idealized self in the beginning, whether it is in the laughter, the serious discussions, the sex... .especially the sex.  Basically we are drawn into a relationship with the super-sized us. 

[elessar]

You guys are creepy as hell. I could have written every single comment you all wrote :P

The attraction comes from their child-like innocence/behavior. You immediately feel like a protector. Then it comes from their idealization and mirroring. Does any other human try to fulfill all our emotional, intellectual, and sexual fantasies? its them calling us their "guardian angel". now who doesnt want to save a girl?

When the FOG lifts, I remember not only how amazing sex was for a couple of months, but also how stressful it was because of her past abuse. I start remembering she was pushing and pulling even during when we were 19-20 years old, not just starting around 26-27. As the fog lifts, I remember the red flags existed even during the extreme attraction phase. But we focused on the good, not the warnings. They dont purposely destroy us, they dont know any other way. And that makes us pity them and stay even closer trying to 'show them the light'. How many of us havent dreamt that we will help them in their cure from BPD and live happily ever after? I believe it is all part of the attraction.

[woofhound]

I think much of my attraction was due to the "fathering" aspect of our relationship. My uBPDex never knew her father, and she often told me "I lack discipline" and would ask that I help her gain discipline. The ironic thing about that: when I would set boundaries she would habitually trample them down. This would cause a reaction in me. I think she was attracted to this because it filled a void for her that she had always missed.

The "fathering" aspect always filled a void in  me too. When I was 15, my dad passed away suddenly from a heart attack, and, as a result, my mother became an alcoholic. Suddenly, I found myself taking on the father role to my younger brother, making sure he was up for school, fed, etc. I also found myself fathering my mom emotionally. Atop that, I found myself making sure mom paid the bills, the yard was mowed, laundry was done, house was clean, etc... .

It was a strange dynamic, but it made me feel great. It made me feel valuable because I would always make sure my ex's car was maintained, encourage her to go to school, buy her food, make sure I knew she was cared for. However, while I think she appreciated this, she couldn't accept this sort of love because she had never experienced it. Now that we are split up, I know that she is out having sex with randoms, I believe she's dropped out of college, and I know that she's doing drugs far too often. She's a rebellious teenager in the body of a 27 year old woman.

I realize now that I have to be my own father in a sense. I have to provide for myself for the first time in my life; focus on my education, my career, my well being, and do you know what? It feels pretty foreign to me, but, ultimately, pretty F*in good

ME-  -ME

[Ryan9181]

I think this is half of the battle for me in letting go.   How can I help myself with this?   My natural, or old way of thought, is to go and find someone else or an old girlfriend or someone I dated.   But my wiser self says that this is NOT the healthy route to getting over this, its just falling back into old patterns of how to relieve pain. 

S*x was a pillar of "stability" for her and I.   It was our "strong point", and so much hinged on it for us.   We couldnt get enough of it. 

The thought of her with someone else is absolutely sickening to me.   I'm not sure which is worse, the thought of another guy touching her and having his way with her, or her seducing someone else.   Probably the latter, but either way its such a horrible thing for me to go over in my head.   Today has been worse than the other days on this topic.   

Can anyone advise how to get over this part faster, how to let this go, in a healthy way?    Unfortunately I think TIME is the main answer, but damn, only one week out for me, and this is clearly my weak area.   I feel if I can get past this possessive, jealous area for me and the thought of her, I will be 50% better or more. 

Any help hugely appreciated.

[camuse]

I still find that thought of her with someone else sexually very unpleasant, but it is becoming less unpleasant. I expect time is the only answer here, but interested to hear any other thoughts. It's an irrational feeling of course, but still it is not nice to think about.

I console myself with the reminder that our amazing sex was actually just fake and manipulative, and not really something to remember fondly at all. Helps a little.

I have also destroyed all possible memories of her - all photos, etc. In time, I think you will find the memory fades, you'll struggle even to remember her face, and the visions of her with someone else will be blurred and much less upsetting. NC is the answer as always.

[Caredverymuch]

I still find that thought of her with someone else sexually very unpleasant, but it is becoming less unpleasant. I expect time is the only answer here, but interested to hear any other thoughts. It's an irrational feeling of course, but still it is not nice to think about.

I console myself with the reminder that our amazing sex was actually just fake and manipulative, and not really something to remember fondly at all. Helps a little.

I have also destroyed all possible memories of her - all photos, etc. In time, I think you will find the memory fades, you'll struggle even to remember her face, and the visions of her with someone else will be blurred and much less upsetting. NC is the answer as always.

Camuse, its difficult to think of our ex's that way but you are correct that it was indeed a hook and not mutually experienced in true intimacy as such. I have 3 very dear friends who were all married to a BPD at one time ( funny after this experience you tend to somehow find others who have been with a pBPD by chance). They ALL have said their partners were hyper sexual initially and then went to a place of complete and total no sexual appetite.  For years. Its said BPDs have sexual anorexia after the initial hook.  It seems very, very true from what I personally know.  I hope that reassures you.

[Pingo]

It has been interesting to read through the comments from mens' point of view.  As a woman who spent my thirties in a bad marriage with a nonBPD where the sex/attraction was not good and I assumed part of the reason was I just had a low sex drive (always self-blaming) I met my uBPDexh when I was 40 and he blew my mind!  I felt more alive than I had felt in years!  I felt young again.  I hadn't lost my mojo after all!  No wonder it was so addictive.  And so good for my bruised ego and sense of self/being a woman.  But after several months as the honeymoon period started coming to an end and expectations were laid on me more and more each day I came to realise that the sex for him was one more way he could control me.  I began to lose my mojo.  It became just one more chore on a long list of chores.  But as the self-blamer I am, I took responsibility and tried to 'fix' my lack of interest, even going so far as doing hormone replacement therapy!  Not too much denial eh?  All the while deep down I knew what the problem was but didn't want to admit it.  My gut was telling me it wasn't a safe relationship and my body was responding by shutting down.

In the end I realised that the lack of intimacy and trust was what was eroding my desire so I quit the hormones and kicked my husband out. 

[Heartandsole]

  given her all the power in the relationship. At that point it turned into a constant emotional struggle.

This was exactly where I got to with our relationship, I gave all the power to her, all the control because that is what I felt needed to happen, it was the last gasp attempt to try and prove I did indeed love her. Why? Because i was stupid and had dropped all boundaries and was weak!

Booya!  Can't say it better myself.  I gave my power away, which is one of the things she liked in the beginning, but her controlling nature and my conflict avoidance was like anti-matter hitting matter and then there was nothing.