Having grown up with an uBPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone,

I haven't started a thread in over a year, but I am in a process of writing down everything I have learned about this disorder from my research and studying my ex (being a professional scientist makes me compelled to find out the 'why'!). One of the most common things we read is, "they were like this before you met them, they will be like this after you meet them".

I have known mine since I was 15 and she was 16. We went to school and college together. The girl I fell in love with was a completely different human being from the one I have known the last few years. At 29 now, I have spent half my life loving her and being in love with her. If getting over first love is hard, it becomes even harder when you have spent half your life loving someone and then being abused and betrayed by them.

We know one can't diagnose a child. But towards the end of college there were a sign or two I should have noted more carefully. But it was nothing compared to a full blown BPD. She left me after college for 4 yrs, no contact, and suddenly showed up 4 yrs back. The girl who showed up then was a completely different person... .and last four years have been a hell of ups and down - leaving me every few weeks, coming back after every few weeks, abusing me and blaming me for everything, saying some cruel and demeaning things, treating me like her hero and savior, trying to get married to others... .the usual idealization and devaluation. Once again, she left a month back saying she has said yes to another guy to marry him.

So why am I saying this? I knew her background and her abusive and controlling family. I knew her past sexual abuse. I knew how her parents threaten to kick her out if she isn't obedient, and threatened to kill us if she married me. At age 30, she still lives her at home because her father wouldn't allow her an iota of independence. And I have read how childhood abuse, enmeshed family, and abusive/disordered parents can lead to a child developing BPD. Of course it is undiagnosed because she refuses to meet a therapist. When she came back 4 years back, every week she told me she needs help and should see someone. When she ultimately did a year and a half later for 3 appointments, she realized her troubles start at home and promptly quit and hasn't accepted anything is wrong with her after that. I want to hate her for what she has said and done to me over the past 4 years, for wasting my entire 20s on her or waiting for her to come back... .but I also accept my responsibility for allowing her to abuse me. And that thing I have learned from a BPD's perspective has led me to take a stand against any abuse or controlling nature of parents or society.

To all the new members, they do not change. As long as someone else is there to feed them what they need, they will not change and have no reason to change. We cannot fix BPD, only they can with years of therapy. But maybe we can create a society that prevents BPD... .sure, some might be genetically predisposed to it, but so many develop these traits through years of abuse which can be prevented.

I am in a very tough situation. This site helped a lot over the past 18 months, and I made sure she wouldn't hurt me. Yet last few months she tried harder than ever to come close to me, and she succeeded in breaking down my walls. The moment she did and I was all hers, she decided to marry someone a few hours later. yes, it is very confusing. i have spent the last 3 yrs crying at this confusion. but this is the disorder. you cannot change them. we all hope, as do I, that maybe "they will see", and she does see it 1-2 times a year for a few minutes. But then it is all gone and they are back to being themselves. it is hard to let go of your childhood love whom you knew before they became this person. i spend a lot of time telling myself how it is all "unfair", but the adult and mature thing is to realize that no matter what we do, we can't control what others do. others change, they can leave us, they can abuse us. life is unfair, so do what you can to make yourself strong and do not depend your happiness or self on another person. sure it is cynical, and i am afraid if i will ever be able to give my all to another person, but protect yourself first. you can't save anyone. you can help them if they are trying to help themselves, but if you see no effort on their part, all our effort is just a waste of time and emotion.

[elessar]

Hi everyone,

I haven't started a thread in over a year, but I am in a process of writing down everything I have learned about this disorder from my research and studying my ex (being a professional scientist makes me compelled to find out the 'why'!). One of the most common things we read is, "they were like this before you met them, they will be like this after you meet them".

I have known mine since I was 15 and she was 16. We went to school and college together. The girl I fell in love with was a completely different human being from the one I have known the last few years. At 29 now, I have spent half my life loving her and being in love with her. If getting over first love is hard, it becomes even harder when you have spent half your life loving someone and then being abused and betrayed by them.

We know one can't diagnose a child. But towards the end of college there were a sign or two I should have noted more carefully. But it was nothing compared to a full blown BPD. She left me after college for 4 yrs, no contact, and suddenly showed up 4 yrs back. The girl who showed up then was a completely different person... .and last four years have been a hell of ups and down - leaving me every few weeks, coming back after every few weeks, abusing me and blaming me for everything, saying some cruel and demeaning things, treating me like her hero and savior, trying to get married to others... .the usual idealization and devaluation. Once again, she left a month back saying she has said yes to another guy to marry him.

So why am I saying this? I knew her background and her abusive and controlling family. I knew her past sexual abuse. I knew how her parents threaten to kick her out if she isn't obedient, and threatened to kill us if she married me. At age 30, she still lives her at home because her father wouldn't allow her an iota of independence. And I have read how childhood abuse, enmeshed family, and abusive/disordered parents can lead to a child developing BPD. Of course it is undiagnosed because she refuses to meet a therapist. When she came back 4 years back, every week she told me she needs help and should see someone. When she ultimately did a year and a half later for 3 appointments, she realized her troubles start at home and promptly quit and hasn't accepted anything is wrong with her after that. I want to hate her for what she has said and done to me over the past 4 years, for wasting my entire 20s on her or waiting for her to come back... .but I also accept my responsibility for allowing her to abuse me. And that thing I have learned from a BPD's perspective has led me to take a stand against any abuse or controlling nature of parents or society.

To all the new members, they do not change. As long as someone else is there to feed them what they need, they will not change and have no reason to change. We cannot fix BPD, only they can with years of therapy. But maybe we can create a society that prevents BPD... .sure, some might be genetically predisposed to it, but so many develop these traits through years of abuse which can be prevented.

I am in a very tough situation. This site helped a lot over the past 18 months, and I made sure she wouldn't hurt me. Yet last few months she tried harder than ever to come close to me, and she succeeded in breaking down my walls. The moment she did and I was all hers, she decided to marry someone a few hours later. yes, it is very confusing. i have spent the last 3 yrs crying at this confusion. but this is the disorder. you cannot change them. we all hope, as do I, that maybe "they will see", and she does see it 1-2 times a year for a few minutes. But then it is all gone and they are back to being themselves. it is hard to let go of your childhood love whom you knew before they became this person. i spend a lot of time telling myself how it is all "unfair", but the adult and mature thing is to realize that no matter what we do, we can't control what others do. others change, they can leave us, they can abuse us. life is unfair, so do what you can to make yourself strong and do not depend your happiness or self on another person. sure it is cynical, and i am afraid if i will ever be able to give my all to another person, but protect yourself first. you can't save anyone. you can help them if they are trying to help themselves, but if you see no effort on their part, all our effort is just a waste of time and emotion.

[imstronghere2]

Very well stated and also very sad but true.

[Blimblam]

damn, I am sorry you went through that. It must be so painful to have to let go of her. So, painful to heal from the abuse she put you through. The disorder is not fair, and it seems to hurt the people most who loved the most selflessly and the most deeply.

[elessar]

The disorder is not fair, and it seems to hurt the people most who loved the most selflessly and the most deeply.

Thank you folks for your kind words. And that's the thing, when her family threatens to kill her and disown her if she doesn't do exactly what she wants - she calls it their love and sticks with them. When I give her every freedom imaginable and allow her to live her life as it makes her happy, its goodbye to me because I am not good enough for her. Quite painful to wrap your head around it.

[SC91]

Very sad. I have a deep deep sympathy on what you have went through, the sweet memories of teen, the devil chaotic drama years, the depressing three years. But also very proud of you keeping your sanity after all these. Keep it up!

[Loveofhislife]

I too am sorry for your pain--I stay in touch with my dearest male friend who has known me and loved me since we were 12 (that would be 40 years ago)--had we married or remained in a romantic r/s only to see his disorder rear its ugly head and/or watch him decompensate over the years would be heart breaking. Instead I have watched his stbxBPD browbeat him for the past 25 years: which has been painful enough. So odd that we both ended up with pwBPD. What I know about mental illnesses and dementia is that they do get worse with time when left untreated. Biological mental illnesses, in particular, seem to manifest in late adolescence. Might she have a co-occurring disorder in addition to BPD ?