ex BPDGF heard things about her from my friends

[outside9x]

Hi,

I feel kinda bad about this and wondering how to handle this or even to respond to it.  After many break up espsoides and raging, and false accusation, cheating and splitting, and just awful and brutal behavior that my friends noticed and started to see, I finally confided in them and let them know what was going on since many times, I was attending big events like weddings etc, by myself, without her, because she demanded many things, one being wanting a large sum of money for me to move in with her, even after I lost my job at the age of 62. If not she told me I didn't love her, and we are done!

We have been apart for over a year and sometimes I hear from her, and I almost went back a few times, but remembered the pain and punching and scream and cheating etc.

Anyway, out of the blue she text me and said, it would be nice if you won't act like I am in high school and stop saying bad things about me, and actually say something nice.  I haven't talk to my friends about her in sometime.  

I don't know if she talk to any of my friends since they were never fond of her to begin with and they never email her , or text her.  She doesn't have any friends (she would jettison them for any little reason if she believe they didn't agree with her, and her family doesn't seem to want any connection with her) I never seen one friend or family member in 2 1/2 years except her 2 daughters.

I am thinking the text could have been about the one friend of mine whom she wanted to be friends on FB when we were just starting to date.  Recently , about 3 months ago I asked my friend to drop her, but wantedto be sure it was ok, and she told me she thought it was weird since she really wants nothing to do with her, and doesn't communicate with her.  Seeing her face and comments was like reopnning wounds.  I told my friend at the time, she didn't have to do it if that may her feel uncomfortable, and she was fine with it, and understood her emotional problems as she seen and or heard some of the things she done.

So, do I reply back to my EXBPDGF?  I don't know if she referring to being dropped or if she heard something about her nutty raging that she would do even during the most romantic or fun times, I mean, it was like someone invaded her body in a second.

Anyway, I feel sorry about this but I spoke honestly, when my friends would ask where she was and were astonished to learn she would even demand money ($65K, )to move in and be part owner knowing I was losing my job and unless I did, the relationship was over.  I just got done being divorce too, after 34 years.    The raging and hitting stuff, I confessed to them after I left her since I caught her cheating on a internet site, and she refused to get off, and told me too bad. That was the last straw!

Any advice? I want to do the right thing.  :)o I text an apology sayng I am sorry,e tc.  I mean I am still feeling pain from her, and even at times, express feelings of wanting to go back as stupid as that sounds.  Or do I just ignore it!

My other concern is she could try to find my girlfriend and make things rough as well.  Maybe I am being a bit paranoid about that.

Thanks  

[Linda Maria]

Hi there! Sorry to hear you're having to feel all these difficult things again.  You have done nothing wrong, and have nothing to apologise for.  If it was me, I would not respond - you know it won't lead to anything good - what is there to say?  It's in the past - you have every right to say what you like to whom you like, and you didn't do anything bad anyway. I would not look back, carry on with your new life, enjoy your new relationship and focus on the future.  Good luck!  JB

[outside9x]

Hi Linda Marie,

Thanks , I was feelign that way too.  I spoke honestly to my friends abotu the situation and about her, and even said, I think deep down she didn't mean to do these things, it hurt her deeply as well, it's not like she didn't want love or to love, but just couldn't.  I also said she was a very good mother to her kids but even that (just between you and me) was a bit rocky, but that can be even with the best of parents. 

Thanks

[rock_and_a_hard_place]

Hi outside 9x,

Your post is so timely. I went 6 days NC, and this morning I get a bunch of texts raging on the other side of the world about someone she didn't even like "unfriending" her from facebook (from my ex-BPD partner). She did not even like the person that unfriended her (in fact she's been "obsessed" with that person's partner for some time), and had been off facebook for some time. I don't know why she re-activated and I am not on facebook (nor will I be - if anything can gaslight someone with BPD it's that site). The truth is, after several crazy interactions, not showing up to events, with the person that unfriended her, I told this mutual friend and her partner what was going on (not about the obsession though), just that my partner had BPD and she had issues with one of them.

I have not told my exBPD partner this, but was beginning to cave just this morning till I read your post. I am actually going through a tough time right now and she knows this (but didn't even ask me about it), just raging texts about people talking about her. And, she's on the other side of the world. I tried to validate that it hurts to be unfriended without going into details.

I will not respond either.

[rock_and_a_hard_place]

As an aside, lying by omission gets exhausting. But I don't even know if I should tell my exBPD who I am hanging out with - got a bunch of texts asking that too. I mostly just want to move on or for her to get better. I thought 5 timezones would be enough.

[outside9x]

Well, it it my sentment that I agree with not bring it up for you as well.

Like the one person post, what good would it do, and for me, might pull me back etc.  I only said what was true and my friends were wondering at the time, why she wasn't showing up for their Son's or daughter's wedding.  They were baffled and knew I just adored her.  

Anyway, I think it's better to let it pass.  If I said something that was mean and vicious that was untrue, (which I would never do) then I would certainly aplogize even by phone etc.  

I at the time, probably like you were thinking did I do something that set her off to go crazy things, like rage and run out of the cars (several times) without notice in the middle of the night, and punch and scream.  SO, I wanted to let my friends know and get their advice, like should I give her all that money to move in and be on her title of her house even though I just about to lose my job.  It didn't make sense to me, and I thought she would have a tiny bit of compassion, so I told them.  They thought it was insane and so unbeleivable that she would even have the balls to ask.  WHo does that to one they care n Love.  

Then later, after the break up (the final one) some the craziness I was punished with I shared some actual details.  I know it's not her fault 100% (BPD emotional probelms) but still I was getting beat to death.  They , even now don't understand why I stood so long and why I loved her.  (Me too!)

SO, don't give in and thank God you are far away.   We all reap what we sow, as they say, and so that is their harvest.  I am sure, she is telling every new guy, how badly we screw them.  I know mine feels this way saying she made all this plans etc,etc and I screw her.  WOW!

Pretty much their SOP!

[myself]

If you're done with her, be done. Why are you still in contact with her?

There's no telling what triggered her. If you asked her, would she even tell you the truth? If you respond, would she twist things and hurt you again? No need for you to apologize for something you haven't done. She may have just wanted some attention. A dumping ground. This is probably more about her bad reactions to her inner world, not what's happening on the outside.

It's better to live your own life than to play someone else's game.

[outside9x]

Thanks MYSELF!

Succiently put, direct to the point, and my God, so true in every single powerful word.  Simple yet power paragraph, you captured everything that needed to be said, about these twisted bonds or relationships we have with BPD's.

Thanks again! 

and I am sure, whoever reads your post thanks you as Well, I do feel relief and strenght!