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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: confused  (Read 457 times)
peiper
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: August 11, 2014, 11:10:04 AM »

I'm confused. I know she had a boyfriend a month after we were married if not before. Yet a month before she left and files divorce she spent 11 k of her money on new kitchen cabinets, then walks away. That's nuts.
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peiper
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« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2014, 11:39:57 AM »

Plus she lets me have all of her new appliances and her furniture. On the other hand she wants me to pay for her attorney which is 2500. For something I didn't want.
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2014, 01:36:54 PM »



I'm sorry peiper.  I know it's mind-boggling to try to figure our "rational" reasons for some of the actions.   In many cases, it's impossible.   Yet, our brains seek answers and we ruminate endlessly.

Sometimes, it's better to accept the confusion rather than try to find a reason for it.  With acceptance, we can then decide how we need to move forward.
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OutOfEgypt
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Relationship status: married
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« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2014, 07:49:03 AM »

Yes, their behavior is far from rational.  My wife (at the time) was having an affair with two men while we were finishing having a house built together.  It's like... .are you kidding?  You let me commit to that house and spend ALL that money on it?  Yup, and it was fun for her because she got to help design it.  These people are like grown children... .they live for their feelings in the moment and have almost no insight into the pain and damage they cause for others.
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Popcorn71
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« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2014, 04:38:34 PM »

The more I read these posts, the more I marvel at the similarities in all of our relationships.

My xBPDh left after spending 8 years remodelling my house into a dream home for us.  We had just bought another property that was to be our home when my kids had left home and we could retire.  Everything was finally settling down for us and our future was all planned out.  It was finally a time that we could enjoy and relax as we had no problems (except those he caused in order to end our marriage).

I can't understand it either.  It's like they can't stand a normal, peaceful life and have to escape into some kind of drama, but they go to such lengths to fool us into believing everything is ok right up until the minute they leave.
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NorthLight
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« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2014, 03:37:52 PM »

The more I read these posts, the more I marvel at the similarities in all of our relationships.

My xBPDh left after spending 8 years remodelling my house into a dream home for us.  We had just bought another property that was to be our home when my kids had left home and we could retire.  Everything was finally settling down for us and our future was all planned out.  It was finally a time that we could enjoy and relax as we had no problems (except those he caused in order to end our marriage).

I can't understand it either.  It's like they can't stand a normal, peaceful life and have to escape into some kind of drama, but they go to such lengths to fool us into believing everything is ok right up until the minute they leave.

Wow, so similar to my experience! My exBPD had never had a "home" before (just living at different renting places her whole life) - So we bought a home together after almost 2 yr of renting together, she got so happy ("Finally I have my own keys, and this is our place, and i share it with my soul mate, i am so happy - I have found my dream man and my dream home!". She decorated the whole place as she had dreamed of her entire life, our home just got PERFECT and our "calm and happy days" was ready to finally begin, then BOOM woke up same day as we got our names on the post-box and dumped me and never looked back.

It seems like they have so much trouble inside their mind, that they always need that issue or problem to focus on, like their job sucks / home sucks / studies sucks, and if we give them everything and make their dream come true, they still have those issues in their mind, and can't just relax and enjoy it, so they run instead...
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elessar
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« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2014, 04:01:18 PM »

oh wow. these are some horrible stories. I am sorry you guys had to go through all that. there are those of us who are miserable because of our BPDs before marriage. but having invested all those years in a marriage for them to do such a thing, it is unimaginable
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