"I don't want to hurt you"

[Rollercoaster1]

How many of you have heard this line from your pwBPD? What do you think it 'means'?

For mine it seems to be the only thing on his mind...

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Rollercoaster1 

Gosh, this was one of my dBPDexbf's favorites! "I don't want to hurt you anymore", "I'll just hurt you more if I stay", "I just hurt people"... .there were many variations  In fact it was one of the last things he said to me when I busted him for lying 3 months ago.

What does it mean? I feel with my ex he did know on some level his behaviour wasn't cool, he used to say to me "my head isn't right sometimes" (it was quite sad actually) and he hated to see me upset because of his behaviour which I think largely was out of his control, even though he was aware of it.

My ex was a textbook male waif and he always used to say it in a "woe is me" kinda way so I also felt there was a bit of a "pity party" for him when he would use it... .I don't know, to try and make me feel sorry for him, to comfort him, say "no, that's not true" and so on. I used to say "WELL STOP IT THEN!"

[Narellan]

My exBPD was more confident/cocky even. He stated numerous times that he would never ever hurt me, that he would always have my back.

It was the exact opposite to what he did.

I think he wanted to believe that love would conquer all. He said I'd helped him deal with issues he'd battled on his own his whole life.

In the end, he hurt me so much more than anyone in my life.

And still continues to try to.

[MissTajo]

I hear that one a lot. I always answer: Then just stop doing it.

Everytime we argue _{(which lately has been every week because he is "sensitive" and everything I say might hurt him)} he brings out the Hulk and THEN its all about the "You deserve so much better." "I can´t stand causing you so much pain"


Why doesnt he just stop it?... .He is aware he is a little brat when he gets into the BPD side of him but he is also addicted to it and addicted to the fights and having all my attention on him. Its really sad to see it... .

[pavilion]

I do have some empathy for someone with BPD saying these words because I actually think that they can be said congruently (at the time). They don't want to hurt you but also they don't know how not to hurt people. It is natural. Perhaps like asking us to start hurting someone deliberately. Or asking someone who self harms to stop cutting themselves. It feeds something within them and is very difficult to fight the urge.

[BlondeRunner]

I do have some empathy for someone with BPD saying these words because I actually think that they can be said congruently (at the time).

Agreed, Pavilion. I did feel it was sincere when my ex used to say this. You are very wise to add "at the time"!

They don't want to hurt you but also they don't know how not to hurt people. It is natural.

Agreed again. It's like he is aware but can't control it, as you say - it is natural to them. Example: Very early on in our relationship my dBPDexbf told me a completely hideous lie, something so awful that when I exposed it I really I should have run. It was designed to elicit sympathy for him and when the truth came out I got the "I don't want to hurt you", "I do this all the time, I hurt people" and so on. I once asked him about the ease with which he told me this lie and he said "It just came out. I couldn't stop it. The minute it had come out of my mouth I wanted to take it back because I knew I had damaged our relationship before it had even really started. I had ruined something yet again".

[pavilion]

[/quote]
Agreed again. It's like he is aware but can't control it, as you say - it is natural to them. Example: Very early on in our relationship my dBPDexbf told me a completely hideous lie, something so awful that when I exposed it I really I should have run. It was designed to elicit sympathy for him and when the truth came out I got the "I don't want to hurt you", "I do this all the time, I hurt people" and so on. I once asked him about the ease with which he told me this lie and he said "It just came out. I couldn't stop it. The minute it had come out of my mouth I wanted to take it back because I knew I had damaged our relationship before it had even really started. I had ruined something yet again".[/quote]
That's very sad :-( It is awful that they are suffering like this but awful too that we have to be on the receiving end. I don't know what lies (if any) I have been fed because there would be no way of discovering the truth as he has no friends or family around him to uncover the truth. Am I naïve to be thinking that he was being honest?

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Pavilion 

That's very sad :-( It is awful that they are suffering like this but awful too that we have to be on the receiving end.

It is very sad, you're right, for both ends. Once we cried together over it (before I found out the truth), later on I said to him "If it was a lie then why were you crying so convincingly about it?". He said "I cried because I lied. I knew it was wrecked. I knew I had hurt you and I knew I was in a mess yet again"

I don't know what lies (if any) I have been fed because there would be no way of discovering the truth as he has no friends or family around him to uncover the truth.

Ha! Mine thought he wouldn't be caught out because he too has no family or friends. I rumbled him myself via the fabulous medium of... .Facebook! I nearly passed out from shock!

Am I naïve to be thinking that he was being honest?

Well, I couldn't really say because although pwBPD seem to have predictable traits they are certainly not all the same. For example I see a lot of stuff on here about pwBPD cheating but this wasn't a concern of mine when I was in my relationship. I can't be 100% sure, of course, but I never had any reason to think he cheated. I always think gut instinct is your best bet - I knew something was up with the lie he told me, I just couldn't put my finger on it!

[pavilion]

My ex wouldn't cheat either. All his spare time was with me and he was investing all his energies into me which became quite suffocating in the end. My gut is telling me that there were some lies woven in somewhere.

How do  you quote specific parts of a past as you have above?

[BlondeRunner]

Well when you have the tet that you wish to quote you can delete the part you don't want. I just copy and paste it a few times and keep the bit I want and delete the bit I don't!

[Caredverymuch]

My exBPD was more confident/cocky even. He stated numerous times that he would never ever hurt me, that he would always have my back.

It was the exact opposite to what he did.

I think he wanted to believe that love would conquer all. He said I'd helped him deal with issues he'd battled on his own his whole life.

In the end, he hurt me so much more than anyone in my life.

And still continues to try to.

Narrelin this was my experience as well.  I was told this repeatedly. I would never let anyone hurt you, you couldn't push me away ever, etc. repeatedly.  And like you was hurt the greatest by the very same person who did the literal opposite repeatedly  and harshly.

I was continually told during the push away pre- split " I dont want to hurt you anymore."  It was like pushing the repeat button.  When I would ask him to justify why he was treating me the way he was. No real answer at all, but that statement.  Then he would just leave me there and depart.  Until he would come back and do it again.

[elessar]

Heard it too many times to remember. And I do believe her, and I believe she meant it. It was one of the infinite reasons why she would break up... .she would realize she is hurting me, and thinks we are better apart than together. Children are impulsive, and so are borderlines. They might do something without thinking it through or how it might hurt someone. When they do realize it hurts someone, they do feel extremely bad and guilty. But they just can't control it while they are doing it. Because it feels "right" at the time they are doing something that might hurt us.

[Sugarlily]

Heard it too many times to remember. And I do believe her, and I believe she meant it. It was one of the infinite reasons why she would break up... .she would realize she is hurting me, and thinks we are better apart than together. Children are impulsive, and so are borderlines. They might do something without thinking it through or how it might hurt someone. When they do realize it hurts someone, they do feel extremely bad and guilty. But they just can't control it while they are doing it. Because it feels "right" at the time they are doing something that might hurt us.

Elessar that is how I experience this too. If I have a need or try to sort out an issue between us, it will always end with "I don't want to hurt you" and "you deserve better than this." Like you I think it is sincere and he suddenly realises what he has done and the accompanying shame often leads to him running or suggesting we just be friends or take a break. I think this is because he has no idea how to stop hurting me, it is how he has always interacted and he can't change the script.

I've heard him discuss how he interacts with his friends and he will have impulsively reacted to feeling rejected or feel indebted to someone with a hurtful remark, at the time he means to hurt but afterwards really wishes he hadn't, knows it wasn't deserved and that it isn't within his normal character reaction to behave that way. He prefers it if the issue isn't pointed out and then he can just rewrite it. Pointing out the hurt or appearing hurt touched deeply on his core shame, so hurt someone once becomes he is a bad person who always hurts others and does nothing good.

[Caredverymuch]

Heard it too many times to remember. And I do believe her, and I believe she meant it. It was one of the infinite reasons why she would break up... .she would realize she is hurting me, and thinks we are better apart than together. Children are impulsive, and so are borderlines. They might do something without thinking it through or how it might hurt someone. When they do realize it hurts someone, they do feel extremely bad and guilty. But they just can't control it while they are doing it. Because it feels "right" at the time they are doing something that might hurt us.

Elessar that is how I experience this too. If I have a need or try to sort out an issue between us, it will always end with "I don't want to hurt you" and "you deserve better than this." Like you I think it is sincere and he suddenly realises what he has done and the accompanying shame often leads to him running or suggesting we just be friends or take a break. I think this is because he has no idea how to stop hurting me, it is how he has always interacted and he can't change the script.

I've heard him discuss how he interacts with his friends and he will have impulsively reacted to feeling rejected or feel indebted to someone with a hurtful remark, at the time he means to hurt but afterwards really wishes he hadn't, knows it wasn't deserved and that it isn't within his normal character reaction to behave that way. He prefers it if the issue isn't pointed out and then he can just rewrite it. Pointing out the hurt or appearing hurt touched deeply on his core shame, so hurt someone once becomes he is a bad person who always hurts others and does nothing good.

Sugar,   

Reflective and holds truth. In the moment I do believe there is a feeling of shame for hurting others.  It is not a shame that rises any where near to the surface to allow any real change though.  Its perhaps felt for that moment, like a child having to listen to a parent, but its quickly projected with " if i am hurting you i am bad, i must then leave you."  They run from accountability really. Thats what the entire idealization phase encompasses as well. All good. All fantasy. When the reality/bad comes, they ditch.

These moments of very brief realization as to the very real hurt BPDs impose on others could be a beneficial jumping point, but bc they are emotionally arrested, lack empathy, and are one sided in their ability to understand need, it goes no where.  Just repeats.  The nons are the ones left  truly feeling the hurt.  And it is in the hard truth of that very real hurt which repeats and worsens that  can and should have been the jumping point for us here.  The effort now should be turned inward on ourselves to understand why we did not jump, rather, we stayed and justified.  There's the healing work to be done so these interactions do not repeat. Or they indeed will

[elessar]

Its perhaps felt for that moment, like a child having to listen to a parent, but its quickly projected with " if i am hurting you i am bad, i must then leave you."  They run from accountability really. Thats what the entire idealization phase encompasses as well. All good. All fantasy. When the reality/bad comes, they ditch. [/quote]
Beautifully said! In an adult relationship, we can mistakenly hurt someone, and we realize that if you hurt me you would apologize and we will work on fixing it. For them, any disagreement or hurt means that "we aren't compatible" or "right for each other". For years I had wanted to tell her that "I can never express my feelings of hurt to you because every time I do, you decide to leave or think we shouldn't be together."

Similarly in the idealization phase when they mirror us, they do it because they have no inner self. If I like XYZ, they like XYZ. If I think in a progressive way, they would start thinking in a progressive way. I appreciated having the similar thinking about human rights and equality. But her liking everything I do, and having no interests or hobbies of hers always made me uncomfortable in the honeymoon phase. And once that phase was over, it would be back to "we aren't right for each other because I liked these things only because you like them". Asking her "what do you like/what do you want to do" never got a reply. Because she (or they) grew in a controlling environment where her parents threaten to disown her if she isn't obedient to them, that's the mentality they have when they are with us. If they can't fulfill all our fantasies (no one can and we don't ask for it), or if they hurt us, or if we can't give them all they want, then they must leave us. Because it is all or nothing. Either we are mirror images of each other, or we aren't good for each other.

[Bak86]

Heard it too many times to remember. And I do believe her, and I believe she meant it. It was one of the infinite reasons why she would break up... .she would realize she is hurting me, and thinks we are better apart than together. Children are impulsive, and so are borderlines. They might do something without thinking it through or how it might hurt someone. When they do realize it hurts someone, they do feel extremely bad and guilty. But they just can't control it while they are doing it. Because it feels "right" at the time they are doing something that might hurt us.

Sounds about right. Mine broke up with me in the first place because she didn't want me put up with her problems and i was way too nice for her. Heard a lot of other reasons for the breakup afterwards though, so i don't know if she actually was serious about it. Maybe at the time... .

[Bak86]

Its perhaps felt for that moment, like a child having to listen to a parent, but its quickly projected with " if i am hurting you i am bad, i must then leave you."  They run from accountability really. Thats what the entire idealization phase encompasses as well. All good. All fantasy. When the reality/bad comes, they ditch.

Beautifully said! In an adult relationship, we can mistakenly hurt someone, and we realize that if you hurt me you would apologize and we will work on fixing it. For them, any disagreement or hurt means that "we aren't compatible" or "right for each other". For years I had wanted to tell her that "I can never express my feelings of hurt to you because every time I do, you decide to leave or think we shouldn't be together."

Similarly in the idealization phase when they mirror us, they do it because they have no inner self. If I like XYZ, they like XYZ. If I think in a progressive way, they would start thinking in a progressive way. I appreciated having the similar thinking about human rights and equality. But her liking everything I do, and having no interests or hobbies of hers always made me uncomfortable in the honeymoon phase. And once that phase was over, it would be back to "we aren't right for each other because I liked these things only because you like them". Asking her "what do you like/what do you want to do" never got a reply. Because she (or they) grew in a controlling environment where her parents threaten to disown her if she isn't obedient to them, that's the mentality they have when they are with us. If they can't fulfill all our fantasies (no one can and we don't ask for it), or if they hurt us, or if we can't give them all they want, then they must leave us. Because it is all or nothing. Either we are mirror images of each other, or we aren't good for each other.[/quote]
Well said! I always said to her, nobody is perfect. I know i am not perfect, neither are you. You have to accept that people have flaws. And if they have some traits you don't like, talk about it! Maybe you can fix it. I accepted the whole lot of craziness she had, but she would never accept any flaws i had. I wasn't right for her she said. Ugh... .

And yeah i always had to make plans for dates and i always had to tell "us" what we would do. And she would go mad if i the plans i made didn't go accordingly to her wishes. It's so stupid.

[no_ordinary]

yes, i heard it a couple of times, with sincere tone... .but, but... .___ it.

when she admitted that she cheated on me, i kissed her again an hour later.  so sick. 

[elessar]

And she would go mad if i the plans i made didn't go accordingly to her wishes. It's so stupid.[/quote]
That is what led me to stumbling across BPD 2.5 years back. She has never made plans even once... .not once. In late December 2011 (after she had already broken up with me officially), she wanted me to take her on a date. Any place I suggested in NYC was unacceptable to her because 1. she doesn't want to be seen with me in case she runs into people who will recognize her and tell her parents. 2. she doesn't want to go too far from work because her parents expect her to be home by X time (usually 8pm). After giving tons of choices, I said how about a motel. Because since college days she would tease me why I am not taking her to a motel... .

She said No. I said ok, you can think of something and let me know. Towards the end of conversation she said "motel is fine. i just want to spend time with you". Next day when I picked her up and she asked where are we going, I said this motel. What followed was one of the worst rages I have seen. She equated me to her uncles who had sexually abused her as a child. She refused to accept that she ever said yes. I mean... .being equated to rapists is really hurtful... .haha. That led to me research online that my gf lives in an alternate reality. And as you, movie wasnt a choice coz she cant talk to u. Starbucks? "thats where you want to take me"? bar? i can't near my work area coz i don't want coworkers to see us. "you should have just taken me to a restaurant". but i asked you that last night! that was the first time I broke down crying in public... .and she walked away saying I don't want to be seen with someone who is crying.

[Suspicious1]

My exBPD was more confident/cocky even. He stated numerous times that he would never ever hurt me, that he would always have my back.

It was the exact opposite to what he did.

I think he wanted to believe that love would conquer all. He said I'd helped him deal with issues he'd battled on his own his whole life.

In the end, he hurt me so much more than anyone in my life.

And still continues to try to.

Oh my, this is exactly like my ex too. I remember him saying "I'm done hurting you" with such sincerity, and it was one of his biggest, most repeated promises that he'd always protect me (although I didn't feel I needed protecting), that I'd reduced him so he'd always be there to rescue me no matter what. Once, after one of his episodes, I asked him how he'd have responded if it had been someone else speaking to me the way he had done. He looked incredibly guilty.

I reached out for that help, once when he was splitting me black. I was desperate and asked for his help. He didn't even ask what was wrong, he just said no. It was all highly conditional.

He also seemed to want to reject me in order to protect me from himself. I remember him saying "just dump me and go out with an accountant so you don't get hurt again". It always made me angry that he was content to make my decisions for me like that.

[Bak86]

And she would go mad if i the plans i made didn't go accordingly to her wishes. It's so stupid.

That is what led me to stumbling across BPD 2.5 years back. She has never made plans even once... .not once. In late December 2011 (after she had already broken up with me officially), she wanted me to take her on a date. Any place I suggested in NYC was unacceptable to her because 1. she doesn't want to be seen with me in case she runs into people who will recognize her and tell her parents. 2. she doesn't want to go too far from work because her parents expect her to be home by X time (usually 8pm). After giving tons of choices, I said how about a motel. Because since college days she would tease me why I am not taking her to a motel... .

She said No. I said ok, you can think of something and let me know. Towards the end of conversation she said "motel is fine. i just want to spend time with you". Next day when I picked her up and she asked where are we going, I said this motel. What followed was one of the worst rages I have seen. She equated me to her uncles who had sexually abused her as a child. She refused to accept that she ever said yes. I mean... .being equated to rapists is really hurtful... .haha. That led to me research online that my gf lives in an alternate reality. And as you, movie wasnt a choice coz she cant talk to u. Starbucks? "thats where you want to take me"? bar? i can't near my work area coz i don't want coworkers to see us. "you should have just taken me to a restaurant". but i asked you that last night! that was the first time I broke down crying in public... .and she walked away saying I don't want to be seen with someone who is crying.[/quote]
Ouch... .that's awful. It was never that extreme with my ex. But she did flip out once when she noticed i didn't make a reservation for a restaurant for example. I mean come on... .relax will ya?

[Bak86]

I actually just remembered the most painful thing she said to me. I told her we were 3 months together and i was happy. She told me, who cares? You sound like a woman... .

[elessar]

Stay away from them. I wouldn't have said these words even last week. But stay away from them. Years of psychological and emotional abuse will reduce you to dust. I just got back from therapy... .one of my best therapy sessions ever. I finally cried at the end because finally a human being believed my stories. My friends or our mutual friends wouldn't believe my stories because they couldn't believe a human being could do something like that. especially someone as successful as a dentist in outward appearances. my therapist said she has heard horror stories like these from the children of borderline mothers, so she believes all the hell i went through. and in 45 mins i could only tell 8 months of stories... .years of stories still to go.

but stay away from them, and go to therapy if you have to. protect yourself first before they destroy your inner core and leave hollow and empty inside.

[Caredverymuch]

My exBPD was more confident/cocky even. He stated numerous times that he would never ever hurt me, that he would always have my back.

It was the exact opposite to what he did.

I think he wanted to believe that love would conquer all. He said I'd helped him deal with issues he'd battled on his own his whole life.

In the end, he hurt me so much more than anyone in my life.

And still continues to try to.

Oh my, this is exactly like my ex too. I remember him saying "I'm done hurting you" with such sincerity, and it was one of his biggest, most repeated promises that he'd always protect me (although I didn't feel I needed protecting), that I'd reduced him so he'd always be there to rescue me no matter what. Once, after one of his episodes, I asked him how he'd have responded if it had been someone else speaking to me the way he had done. He looked incredibly guilty.

I reached out for that help, once when he was splitting me black. I was desperate and asked for his help. He didn't even ask what was wrong, he just said no. It was all highly conditional.

He also seemed to want to reject me in order to protect me from himself. I remember him saying "just dump me and go out with an accountant so you don't get hurt again". It always made me angry that he was content to make my decisions for me like that.

This is perhaps one of the most damaging ways pBPD hurt us. The emotional gas lighting.

They make us believe we need their protection, their ever presence in our lives in which we can always turn to them, no matter the reason, and they will be there fully. 

I can recall my expBPD saying things like this to me as well. And I too thought, I don't need protection. But he phrased these words interlaced with such endearment. Such "love", in the us against the world type way. And then went on gain my trust in revealing my inner most feelings as he poured his onto me. 

During idealization, we are also idealizing our partners. So, when the pBPD claims to be by your side through the good and the bad and goes to great length to make you believe this, it truly begins to feel ideal. Even if you never thought of yourself as needing a protector. Who doesn't want someone to "care" about them to this degree?

It's extremely traumatic that the very person who goes to the endth degree to become your confidant, your other half, your protector, your "soulmate" then becomes the hard cold opposite over night.

They can take no accountability for their cruel actions. They hook you in with manipulative falsehoods then harshly exploit you in these now most vulnerable areas. Their only plan of action when approached is to leave you. So you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Accept the treatment or I will leave you. Don't call me on my actions or I will leave you. Don't try to rationalize with me to make me see how I am hurting you and how I might correct this, or I will leave you.

It's another cruel gas lighting manipulation. Becoming the false protector once again.

Of only themselves.

My expBPD recycled me the last time with a manipulation that he "needed me". He needed me to come rescue him. He was sobbing and pleading in such abandoned waif persona when I found him. He was "so undone" about my refusal to participate in the r/s any longer ( of course after splitting me with SL for 3 weeks) that he manipulated me into saving him. He "needed me." The weeks w/out me were "horrible" and he just could not go on this way. It was "us" and he could not lose me.

Bc I had saved him from his grief, his aches, pains, his desperate emotional needs, traveling hither and yon to his side so very many times in the long interaction, I really believed that no matter what bcame of my future with or without him, this man would be there for me. In the most human of ways.

I cared for and about this man. I fed him emotionally and literally. I valued him and I was concerned for him. I respected him and I admired much about him. And I did indeed love him, seeing him as an incredibly sensitive man who indeed needed me. As I did him. In the purest of ways.

I had gone to him for closure after being dumped seemly overnight (pre BPD knowledge) after this last emotional recycle.

I can honestly say that I never, ever believed my expBPD could ever be the very person who literally left me on the side of the road covered in tears, shaking, unable to speak, and completely traumatized. This was a very weak moment for me in which I could take no more and was undone as a result of the immense, cruel, horrid push/pull and d/d of which I had no understanding, only knowing this was horrific to my shattered heart.

I went to him, asked him why he did this to me. What in the world was going on? Why in the world had he yet again begged me to come to him, to be by his side, to take all that effort to reel me back in to then abandon me, hard and cruel and go SL... .for no reason at all?

He was colder than anyone I have ever interacted with. Looking at me with disgust. He could barely make the time for me. And he refused to acknowledge a thing about my need.  I was garbage to him. He had distain and a huge wall around him. He HATED me. A hate I had never known. I could taste the hate, thats how vile it felt.

This was, truly, one of the most emotionally undone moments of my entire life. He just left me there. And seemed not one bit affected. AT ALL.  I don't think a stranger would lack the heart to do so. To anyone. I literally felt like I was going to die. Literally. I could not breathe, see straight, think, or grasp a thing to hold onto to understanding that this man was doing this to me. After he gained my trust. Again.  I can't even believe this as I type. I had never felt this way before. In my entire life.

My protector.

This was one of the areas I concentrated on in EMDR. It was that traumatic.

[elessar]

Oh CVM... .you write so beautifully. Congratulations on becoming an ambassador! It took me half an hour to respond to this because I felt so overwhelmed and teary-eyed. So similar are your stories and our pain. I have reached a place where blaming them won't solve Borderline Personality Disorder in the future. We cannot control genetics, but maybe we can try for a society with good parenting and no childhood trauma that can lead to BPD. This disorder destroys lives in a way that is incomprehensible. Feels like we will go to the grave wondering "why/how/what"... .

[Caredverymuch]

Oh CVM... .you write so beautifully. Congratulations on becoming an ambassador! It took me half an hour to respond to this because I felt so overwhelmed and teary-eyed. So similar are your stories and our pain. I have reached a place where blaming them won't solve Borderline Personality Disorder in the future. We cannot control genetics, but maybe we can try for a society with good parenting and no childhood trauma that can lead to BPD. This disorder destroys lives in a way that is incomprehensible. Feels like we will go to the grave wondering "why/how/what"... .

Elessar, thank you for your words. I dont blame borderlines for their disorder as I realize the trauma they invoke on us is equivalent to the trauma which they endured. It's been said here that understanding BPD is easy, comprehending and  fully accepting it is the difficult part bc these are very loving, good incredibly larger than life ppl when they are " good."  Thats why the heart has a difficult time catching up to the head on full detachment. 

We here tend to remember only the very good. Which keeps us very stuck.  Bc the good was very, very unique and became almost like mothers milk if you will. To both of us for a while.  Just incredibly warm and safe and full of deep affection and unspoken caring. Like rocking a child to sleep deep in the quiet night while only the sound of pure love can be heard.  It was very much that state of defuse and poignant peacefulness when I was with him. And I loved him.  And that place very much. Its difficult to realize that this man I shared that depth of a bond with erased me. And acts as I am a complete stranger, apparently having erased and forgotten very much about our r/s.  I think he gives more respect and acknowledgment to the gas attendant than me. He has erased me fully.  Thats the hurt that keeps on giving. Bc I could never erase him much as I try.

This is the hardest part about fully accepting that the disorder will always win. Bc we miss very much that mothers milk, that very special place known to only two, which really was known to only one-us- as it was unwaveringly authentic and genuine.  For us. Somewhat for them too. In the moment only though.  And thats a very hard pill to swallow as is so much else related to the heart letting go.  And knowing that even the very good, was very flawed, bc it it was not sustainable good.  It was actually like a facade to an extent. But we were fully present and committed and believing.

Thank you for your kind words on my writing and becoming an a

ambassador  here. Its one very positive from this experience.  This site and the support of those here saved me more than words could describe. I am truly beyond appreciation and grateful for that.

[elessar]

"Almost like mother's milk" sounds like almost like an addiction... .

Amazing how I have blacked out so much. Way back in summer 2005 after junior year of college, she would chat with me every evening, then turn me down when it was time to sleep. Next day come back saying "I don't know what it is about you that pulls me in". Fast forward to 2011 to 2014... .same thing... ."you are like a drug. you are like an addiction. i need to stop this addiction. but something about you just pulls me in. i don't know why i keep running back to you". i would be thinking... .I don't want to be an addiction... I just want to be your partner and friend and a companion. A drug and an addiction is a negative connotation and you must keep off of, but what about me makes me a negative choice for you? Is it because your controlling and abusive parents see me as a hell-bound infidel and want their daughter to keep the family's honor? Am I an addiction when they threaten to kill us, or threaten to abandon you if you are disobedient? When you refuse to leave those parents' home, are you addicting to them and use me as your occasional escape, or are you addicted to me and really believe they are the right choice for you... .

what is real? agreeing to marry the guy last month few hours after being with me is going to be a real marriage? or the memories we shared over past decade as a couple, or past 13-14 years as friends... .is that real... .

will she go through with this marriage plan with this new person, or like every single time she has done over the past decade... .come back again for her drug hit... .

[Caredverymuch]

"Almost like mother's milk" sounds like almost like an addiction... .

Amazing how I have blacked out so much. Way back in summer 2005 after junior year of college, she would chat with me every evening, then turn me down when it was time to sleep. Next day come back saying "I don't know what it is about you that pulls me in". Fast forward to 2011 to 2014... .same thing... ."you are like a drug. you are like an addiction. i need to stop this addiction. but something about you just pulls me in. i don't know why i keep running back to you". i would be thinking... .I don't want to be an addiction... I just want to be your partner and friend and a companion. A drug and an addiction is a negative connotation and you must keep off of, but what about me makes me a negative choice for you? Is it because your controlling and abusive parents see me as a hell-bound infidel and want their daughter to keep the family's honor? Am I an addiction when they threaten to kill us, or threaten to abandon you if you are disobedient? When you refuse to leave those parents' home, are you addicting to them and use me as your occasional escape, or are you addicted to me and really believe they are the right choice for you... .

what is real? agreeing to marry the guy last month few hours after being with me is going to be a real marriage? or the memories we shared over past decade as a couple, or past 13-14 years as friends... .is that real... .

will she go through with this marriage plan with this new person, or like every single time she has done over the past decade... .come back again for her drug hit... .

It's all addiction... codependency.  For very different and very alike reasons. What is real to the pBPD is whatever is needed in the moment to secure a sense of stable supply and non-abandonment, real or perceived. This is the hard truth on not only why they do, but more importantly why they NEED to move on so fast.

In their projection of us, which is augmented by dissociation as an unconscious yet very real self defense mechanism that takes over, their belief becomes that we ultimately did (as they always knew we would)  abandon them. Why the hate. And the quick need base replacing.

it is a deeply rooted disorder. And exists to deny itself.

[Narellan]

CVM your story affects me so much. They could be my exact words. It's the most devastating feeling in the world. I went from being the one he'd waited his whole life for, to being not worthy of any more of his time and was replaced by my best friend. All within minutes. The torturous hell hole I've been in for 5 months nearly killed me, I literally felt like I was walking around murdered.

Thank you for sharing your story. X

[elessar]

I went from being the one he'd waited his whole life for, to being not worthy of any more of his time and was replaced by my best friend. All within minutes.

That part... .that part about being replaced in minutes! Ughhhh. And it is our fault that they had to leave us and replace us. But I am starting to doubt that they replace us without having thought about it. Most of the times, they have already made up their minds whom to replace us with, then they start a fight, and the end result of every fight is a break up anyway... .and use that excuse to be with the replacement. so devious... .