desperately need your advice

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Please excuse the length of this, or depth of detail. But I'm simply at my wits and. Desperate. I welcome any insight that any of you might offer me.

I know how long this post is, so I'll cut right to the chase-

How do I overcome the false belief of everyone involved in my court case, that I am done kind of domestic violence abuser?

A year ago, my soon to be xBPDw made numerous allegations of child abuse and a CPS investigation ensued.

Recently, the findings of that investigation returned and were found to be unfounded. (joy?)

The authorities also were able to (for the first time) respond to my request for information about the nature of the allegations and the subsequent investigation. That information arrived last week.

In it, I learned for the very first time in nearly a year since this all began that my xBPDw not only had alleged child abuse, but also that she had been "physically assaulted in the presence of the children".

Here's what I do know, as facts-

My daughter has been coached by her mother on numerous occasions. Documentation of this exists and had been shown to the previous law guardian.

If it is the case, that my daughter had in fact corroborated her mother's allegation of spousal "assault", then I think that also might fully explain why my previous attorneys were so unwilling to offer me any reasonable defense.

And also maybe why, none of the attorneys (even my own) would ever even acknowledge the presence or existence of the spousal "assault" allegation, because they were possibly required to maintain and protect my corroborating daughters confidentiality.

What I also learned (from the children's previous law guardian) is that my xBPDw had a CPS investigation in 2003. I've been unable to get any of those records because they were sealed just prior to her allegations against me last year (interesting timing). Somehow, she was able to get CPS to conceal from me (father and husband), that investigation of her while it was being conducted as well as the entire subsequent 10 year afterwards.

I've also learned that when CPS did its investigation of the xBPDw 10 years ago, they somehow compelled her to see a psychiatrist. That psychiatrist diagnosed her with BPD and she completely rejected the diagnosis, treatment etc.

I remember at the time being very confused about everything going on because here she was seeing a psychiatrist but at the same time, acting completely combative and hostile to the entire experience. I couldn't figure out why she was going.

So here's my question, reaching out to the wisdom of your experiences and better judgement:

How do I best proceed with my own attorneys?

Up and until this point in time, everyone involved with this case (at every level) including my own attorneys, judges, child law guardians, have treated me with complete and utter disdain, contempt and even anger.  My attorneys have essentially refused to engage any valid defense on my behalf. My last attorney made the following statements to me:

"My job is only to guide you through the process"

"You're the idiot who married her, and now you expect me to fix it?"

"What do you expect me to do about it?" (In response to every request of mine for access or visitation)

The attorney prior to that, fashioned herself a social worker of some sort and had effectively abandoned the case about a week into accepting the it, refusing even to return my phone calls.

All attorneys (even of the soon to be xBPDw), past and present have been sourced and funded from the assigned counsel program, which provides legal services and representation to those who can't afford to pay for it on their own.

[GhostDad]

Please excuse the length of this, or depth of detail. But I'm simply at my wits and. Desperate. I welcome any insight that any of you might offer me.

I know how long this post is, so I'll cut right to the chase-

How do I overcome the false belief of everyone involved in my court case, that I am done kind of domestic violence abuser?

A year ago, my soon to be xBPDw made numerous allegations of child abuse and a CPS investigation ensued.

Recently, the findings of that investigation returned and were found to be unfounded. (joy?)

The authorities also were able to (for the first time) respond to my request for information about the nature of the allegations and the subsequent investigation. That information arrived last week.

In it, I learned for the very first time in nearly a year since this all began that my xBPDw not only had alleged child abuse, but also that she had been "physically assaulted in the presence of the children".

Here's what I do know, as facts-

My daughter has been coached by her mother on numerous occasions. Documentation of this exists and had been shown to the previous law guardian.

If it is the case, that my daughter had in fact corroborated her mother's allegation of spousal "assault", then I think that also might fully explain why my previous attorneys were so unwilling to offer me any reasonable defense.

And also maybe why, none of the attorneys (even my own) would ever even acknowledge the presence or existence of the spousal "assault" allegation, because they were possibly required to maintain and protect my corroborating daughters confidentiality.

What I also learned (from the children's previous law guardian) is that my xBPDw had a CPS investigation in 2003. I've been unable to get any of those records because they were sealed just prior to her allegations against me last year (interesting timing). Somehow, she was able to get CPS to conceal from me (father and husband), that investigation of her while it was being conducted as well as the entire subsequent 10 year afterwards.

I've also learned that when CPS did its investigation of the xBPDw 10 years ago, they somehow compelled her to see a psychiatrist. That psychiatrist diagnosed her with BPD and she completely rejected the diagnosis, treatment etc.

I remember at the time being very confused about everything going on because here she was seeing a psychiatrist but at the same time, acting completely combative and hostile to the entire experience. I couldn't figure out why she was going.

So here's my question, reaching out to the wisdom of your experiences and better judgement:

How do I best proceed with my own attorneys?

Up and until this point in time, everyone involved with this case (at every level) including my own attorneys, judges, child law guardians, have treated me with complete and utter disdain, contempt and even anger.  My attorneys have essentially refused to engage any valid defense on my behalf. My last attorney made the following statements to me:

"My job is only to guide you through the process"

"You're the idiot who married her, and now you expect me to fix it?"

"What do you expect me to do about it?" (In response to every request of mine for access or visitation)

The attorney prior to that, fashioned herself a social worker of some sort and had effectively abandoned the case about a week into accepting the it, refusing even to return my phone calls.

All attorneys (even of the soon to be xBPDw), past and present have been sourced and funded from the assigned counsel program, which provides legal services and representation to those who can't afford to pay for it on their own.

[Matt]

GhostDad,

Well first let me say welcome - I'm glad you're here but sorry for what brings you here, and I hope you get as much help and support here as I have.  This place and my friends here have helped me so much I could never explain it to anybody who hasn't been through the same thing.

Also, I want you to know that many of us here have been through stuff a lot like you have - different details but a lot in common.

For example, I was accused of assault - in fact if the police had believed what my wife said they would have charged me with attempted murder.  I was arrested and spent the night in jail, and couldn't come home because of the accusations against me.  If I had been found guilty I could have spent time in prison, lost my job, and lost contact with my kids.

I also had similar experiences, at first, with my lawyer:  He claimed to know what he was doing but he really had no experience with cases like mine and he made it pretty clear he wasn't going to take my word for anything.

Several things have helped me and others going through this, and I think they can help you too.

First I would suggest you take steps to manage your own stress so it doesn't get to be too much to handle.  Regular cardiovascular exercise, counseling, a good diet, regular sleep, maybe meditation or music or whatever works for you - you need to consider stress management as a very important task until things are much better, which will take time - probably years.

I did all this, plus meds for awhile, to fight depression, and it all helped, and now it's not such a problem.  (6 years out and my kids and I are all doing pretty well.)

Second, I think you know you need to find the right attorney(s).  If there is any risk you could still be charged with any crime(s) related to this stuff, consult with a criminal defense attorney and make sure you are handling everything the best possible way.  For example, my criminal defense attorney told me to have absolutely no contact with my then-wife, without a non-family adult third party present, because if I did she could make more accusations and things could go from bad to much worse.  A good criminal defense attorney could give you other Dos and Don'ts that could really save your bacon.

[Matt]

How do I best proceed with my own attorneys?

This is the right question, and I think you know the answer:  No matter who pays your lawyer, you are the boss and he works for you, and you need to establish right from the start, the basic facts and the outcome you are looking for, and if he won't commit to pursue your objective, then he's not the right guy, and you need to fire him and find somebody else.

Here's what I mean by that... .

First, identify the key facts, and decide on your objective(s) - not all the details, but the basics.

As an example, you might decide that the basic facts are:

* You have never hurt, tried to hurt, or threatened any member of your family.

* You have never lied to anyone about this case.

* You are mentally and physically healthy, and able to take care of your kids in every way.

* Your wife has been diagnosed with a very serious psychological disorder (BPD) and has refused treatment.

* Your wife has repeatedly made very serious accusations which are false and are supported by no evidence.

Your objectives might be something like:

* Primary custody of the kids.

* Their mom should see them regularly under professional supervision.

* Professional counseling for the kids to overcome the impact of what their mom has told them.

Keep it simple!

If you present these to your attorney, and he accepts them and commits to them - he won't make any guarantees but if he accepts the facts and signs up to pursue your chosen objectives, and if he can convince you that he has good experience in cases where the other party has some psychological problem, then maybe it can work.  But if he expresses any skepticism about the facts, or won't commit to pursue the objectives you have chosen, you need to confront that right away:  "I need to understand:  are you saying that you don't believe what I am telling me?" or "I need to understand if you are committed to my objectives or not."  He will give himself away pretty quickly - either he'll give you a very clear and positive answer, or he won't.

I've been through this, and it took me months to get this job done - while my friends here told me to just fire the guy.  My hope for you is that if you decide your lawyer isn't the strong advocate you need, you will fire him and find somebody else, or even do without a lawyer - usually a bad idea but maybe better than having a wolf in the henhouse.

[livednlearned]

What exactly does it mean when a CPS file has been sealed? Under what circumstances can someone do that?

I would listen to everything Matt is suggesting, especially the part where you find the right lawyer. This is critical. Start by asking the lawyer to help you understand how your ex could seal her CPS records, and what it might take to have that file opened.

If you can't access those files, then maybe you can at least find out who the attending psychiatrist was and subpoena him or her.

Even if you aren't legally allowed to use this evidence in court, you may need it to convince your lawyer that you have been falsely accused. Usually, many of us here feel obligated to convince our ex's L that we are not who our ex's allege we are, but you are in the awful position of needing to convince your own L. No one wants to be hoodwinked by someone who would commit a vile act, and there is no loss to them if they don't do a good job representing you.

I think you need to find an L who is willing to suspend judgment, and having access to those records might be how to reach them.

[ForeverDad]

My CPS told me a judge can order a report to be released to the court.  Of course you would have to file a motion with the court.

[GhostDad]

Thanks to all for the incredibly thoughtful advice and other insights.

I guess that where I am right now is just an incredibly bad place that I can't seem to get out of. I've been held over a barrel with the cps investigation, criminal charges (technical violation of a r/o) and constantly being pulled into court, having the police called constantly, arrested. The "anonymous" phone calls to my co-workers, just to give them a heads up (for their own protection)

The amazing thing to me has been the degree of absolute devastation that the legal system has levied on my life and children's.

I've done absolutely nothing wrong (other than telling her I wanted divorce). And yet, my life has been turned upside down. The kids have just become accustomed to the circumstances and accept it as the status quo.  Most everyone else around me just kind of assumes that there must have been something I did, otherwise none of this could have happened. There's no way they'd be able to deny me my rights like this, if there was no reason for it, right?

I'm faced with the DA essentially dragging out (ad infinitum) baseless criminal charges that they and everyone else knows will go nowhere in front of a jury. They keep pressuring me to accept a plea deal and when I refuse, they use it against me in my family case.

This has gone on now for nearly a year.

Haven't had any access to my kids and no one seems to care.

Despite the fact that I've had absolutely zero contact with the xBPDw or kids in over three months, it doesn't seem to stop her from showing up I  court with new accusations. Nor does it stop the judge from taking her seriously either.

I'm getting totally screwed and so are my kids. 

The situation seems so totally hopeless and out of control. 

[sanemom]

I agree with all of the above advice--you really really need an attorney who believes in you and will fight for you.

Also, you may want to check out Bill Eddy's book, High Conflict People in Legal Disputes.  You may find some good information there as to how to handle negative advocates, etc.

[Matt]

I agree with all of the above advice--you really really need an attorney who believes in you and will fight for you.

Also, you may want to check out Bill Eddy's book, High Conflict People in Legal Disputes.  You may find some good information there as to how to handle negative advocates, etc.

Yes, and there are some good articles on Eddy's web site, www.HighConflictInstitute.com.

[Matt]

Thanks to all for the incredibly thoughtful advice and other insights.

I guess that where I am right now is just an incredibly bad place that I can't seem to get out of. I've been held over a barrel with the cps investigation, criminal charges (technical violation of a r/o) and constantly being pulled into court, having the police called constantly, arrested. The "anonymous" phone calls to my co-workers, just to give them a heads up (for their own protection)

The amazing thing to me has been the degree of absolute devastation that the legal system has levied on my life and children's.

I've done absolutely nothing wrong (other than telling her I wanted divorce). And yet, my life has been turned upside down. The kids have just become accustomed to the circumstances and accept it as the status quo.  Most everyone else around me just kind of assumes that there must have been something I did, otherwise none of this could have happened. There's no way they'd be able to deny me my rights like this, if there was no reason for it, right?

I'm faced with the DA essentially dragging out (ad infinitum) baseless criminal charges that they and everyone else knows will go nowhere in front of a jury. They keep pressuring me to accept a plea deal and when I refuse, they use it against me in my family case.

This has gone on now for nearly a year.

Haven't had any access to my kids and no one seems to care.

Despite the fact that I've had absolutely zero contact with the xBPDw or kids in over three months, it doesn't seem to stop her from showing up I  court with new accusations. Nor does it stop the judge from taking her seriously either.

I'm getting totally screwed and so are my kids.  

The situation seems so totally hopeless and out of control.  

Three comments that I hope might be helpful... .

First, one thing you are doing right is refusing to take a plea agreement for something you didn't do.  Prosecutors and even many defense attorneys pressure clients to take plea agreements, and use all sorts of baloney arguments like, "You won't have to go to jail - just take some classes and then it will all be behind you."  But it won't be behind you;  once you take a plea agreement, you can't un-do that, and it means you are admitting to breaking the law.  That will be a public record and you can never fix it (though in some places you might be able to get the record sealed).  Continue to let everybody know that you will not take any plea agreement to a crime you didn't commit - period.  And if your attorney ever tries to talk you into it, fire him, because he is not on your side.

Second, I think it is critical that you have the right attorney(s) - probably one good one for criminal defense and one for family law.  Can you tell us about who is representing you now, and how they are doing?  Many of us here have had the experience of hiring an attorney who was not a strong advocate for us, and having to fire him or her and get a good one - not a fun or easy thing to do but if you gotta do it you gotta do it.  What is your current attorney doing for you?

And third, I would like to suggest that you start another thread to focus 100% on the stress you are experiencing and how you are dealing with it.  This is a very critical matter and it's not going to be fixed quickly even if you find the world's best lawyer and things start going your way more.  You are bearing a huge load, and you'll probably be under high stress for quite a while, and how you deal with it is very important.  There are lots of things we can talk about - exercise, counseling, etc. - too much to deal with in this thread where you're talking about various other issues too.

My suggestion is, start a thread, on this board or wherever, and open up a conversation about the stress you are experiencing, and how it makes you feel - what specific things you feel, like insomnia or headaches or whatever - and how you're managing it, and ideas others have - what works for others here because we're all dealing with high stress at times.

We all need to become "experts" at stress-management or it will eat us alive.  Maybe one good thing that comes out of the struggles of famous people - an obvious example right now is Robin Williams - is that we can see how hard it can be to deal with stress even when you have a lot of stuff on your side.  Super important to make it a big focus right now while you have so much to deal with.

[ForeverDad]

At some point you will need a custody evaluation.  Be very, very sure to get an experienced, unbiased and perceptive custody evaluator.  On the down side, the CE may state that since she was or has become the majority time parent, then she should continue being it "so the children aren't too upset by a big change".  On the upside, it may be the only way to get someone to actually scrutinize the two of you closely, how the two of you interact, how the two of you parent and inform the court of what is really happening.  It's astounding how much the judges profess not to know what's going on - or studiously ignore so much of it.

In my case I had CPS stand up and state they had "no concerns" about me and the judge, despite the unsubstantiated allegations my ex kept making, ordered me to have 'standard' father's alternate weekends and an evening in between.  (However, when there was no order in place the court and the local police allowed her to have 100% possession since there was no court order and the father-child blocking wasn't seen as a violation.  Without an order stating otherwise, both have equal but unspecified rights as parents and therefore the parent in possession gets control.)

These are the steps my court took for the divorce process:

• File for divorce and wait several weeks for the initial hearing



• Initial hearing for temporary order and child support



• Mediation (attempt)



• Parenting investigation by court's social worker



• Custody evaluation



• Settlement conference (attempt)



• Trial



• (settlement minutes before trial)



• Final decree

As mentioned above, Bill Eddy's books are excellent and virtually life-saving, especially Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  In it he stresses the urgent need not to lie and accept a plea deal since they always include some level of guilt, would make you legally guilty of something and drastically hinder your parenting efforts in the years to come.  Plea deals are for revolving-door career criminals and low-life, not you.

How far along is the divorce?  Has a temporary order been set yet?

[livednlearned]

Also, just want to say that you'll get through this. People here understand the kind of h@ll you're in right now.

It will get better.

[maxen]

hi ghostdad. I haven't had quite your experiences but I also know what it is to have a spouse with BPD create wreckage and to be in situations that no-one would credit. you're in good hands on this board - please keep posting here, you'll get both experienced advice and support. 

[GhostDad]

I just can't tell you all, just how much it means to me the kind words of support.

These have no doubt been, some of the absolutely darkest days I've ever had to to live through in my entire life so far.

I truly never imagined, that my xBPDw would engage in such an enormously destructive process. And I'm not just talking about myself, but her and the kids as well.

I guess that's what's been hardest. The things I never saw coming. I've been so caught of guard and unprepared with the capacity to deal with everything she's done.  I also can't believe how thoroughly and effectively she's been able to smear me with everyone. I am completely very isolated now. There's almost no one left. Members of my own family. Brand new co-workers and neighbors. I thought I was being careful about keeping most details private but she somehow manages to find this stuff out.

I'm currently playing the groundwork for my plans to simply start over in a different city. I can't tell the remaining people I'm close with the smallest details about where I plan moving to.

I feel like I'm in some kind of witness protection program.  Either that, or I'm paranoid.

And so many of these terrible things, it's become obvious now to me how long she'd been planning and preparing strategies for the attacks that were to follow. I'm blown away to realise that during the times that we had actually been getting along, she was at the same time actively making preparations for this day.

[momtara]

Just read your post quickly, but I'm sorry you can't afford real attorneys who actually would help you.  It is possible they['re out there though - maybe some attorneys who may charge a lower rate or work for you for free if you tell your story to enough of them.  You could post on avvo.com for free if you are in the US.

[livednlearned]

I think the hardest is dealing with something so challenging when you feel absolutely beaten down. It's the time in your life when you need the most strength, but often by the time we have to confront this stuff, we are often at our weakest.

What can people here help you most with? Maybe start with one thing that is the most immediate.

[GhostDad]

I guess the toughest thing so far that I could reach out and ask for help with, is the smears. The isolation resulting from that has been pervasive. One thing about BPD that I've learned about is the lack of identity. I feel now as though I really don't know who I am anymore. The accusations have defined me in a sense (at least to others) to the point that it's getting harder to realize there's no factual basis for me to have lost so much.

And yet, the court system keeps clinging to the notion that it's actions so far have been justified. Severing completely a father and his children, for so long is simply inhumane. The fact that they've done this (and other things as well) with no justifiable reason is criminal (or if it's not, it should be!) 

After that, I rationalize the experiences in court as an though they're just an assembled cast of performers reading off of a fictional script.

Nothing in the storyline can make any sense, unless there's someone there to play the role of villain (me). Without a bad guy the whole thing falls apart. There's so many actors that have been on this stage, reading from the same script since the beginning that at this point, they seem unwilling to acknowledge simple facts. They're all just so committed to the theme of a story that falls apart without a villain. All in order for it to make sense, in order to justify their actions. In order to justify their roles.

I'm thoroughly convinced this is the reason they all pushed me so hard to accept a plea to the bull___ criminal charges. Without some kind of admission of guilt from me, they look incredibly foolish, because they also have to realize by now that they can't win a conviction either.

Thanks again everyone. It's cathartic for me just to let that all out. Thanks for listening. You ask go, straight to heaven for listening to it all ;-)

I think the hardest is dealing with something so challenging when you feel absolutely beaten down. It's the time in your life when you need the most strength, but often by the time we have to confront this stuff, we are often at our weakest.

What can people here help you most with? Maybe start with one thing that is the most immediate.

[Matt]

One thing about BPD that I've learned about is the lack of identity. I feel now as though I really don't know who I am anymore. The accusations have defined me in a sense (at least to others) to the point that it's getting harder to realize there's no factual basis for me to have lost so much.

This is a great insight!  I probably should say that I recognized that too, when I was where you are, but I don't think I ever understood it as clearly as you have put it here.

I've heard psychologists say that in order to have a healthy sense of self we need to have healthy relationships;  we tend to define ourselves largely through how we deal with others and how others deal with us.  No man is an island.

But you've spent a lot of time in unhealthy relationships, not just with your ex, but with all the others involved in the court drama.

So what relationships do you have, that are already healthy, and that could become a bigger part of your life?  Or are there people in your life you could develop healthy relationships with - close friendships or whatever?

[GhostDad]

Thanks. So many people have extended themselves to her on a basis went entirely constructed it of sympathy and rescuing her from "the villain" 

They seem unwilling to back down now in any way. You do so would be acknowledgement they've been duped and thoroughly so.

I pin my hopes and dreams of just starting all over again and reestablishing myself, step by step. Little by little.

The prosecutor in my criminal case is dragging the process out so that the custody case is decided while the criminal charges and restraining order hang over my head at the same time.

Both civil family case and the criminal case are in front of the same judge, in the same court. Heard on the same days, over right after the other.

There's simply no way I'll have any kind of chance of fairness with custody under these circumstances.

That's the way Integrated Domestic Violence Court works.

If the criminal case was ultimately heard it would have to be dismissed. The family case would then be taken out of the domestic violence court to family court.

But that can't happen with the prosecutor dragging it out. And she's been doing that now for nearly a year.

One thing about BPD that I've learned about is the lack of identity. I feel now as though I really don't know who I am anymore. The accusations have defined me in a sense (at least to others) to the point that it's getting harder to realize there's no factual basis for me to have lost so much.

This is a great insight!  I probably should say that I recognized that too, when I was where you are, but I don't think I ever understood it as clearly as you have put it here.

I've heard psychologists say that in order to have a healthy sense of self we need to have healthy relationships;  we tend to define ourselves largely through how we deal with others and how others deal with us.  No man is an island.

But you've spent a lot of time in unhealthy relationships, not just with your ex, but with all the others involved in the court drama.

So what relationships do you have, that are already healthy, and that could become a bigger part of your life?  Or are there people in your life you could develop healthy relationships with - close friendships or whatever?

[Matt]

What kind of legal advice are you getting?

I'm very bothered by the "integrated DV court".  It sounds like a way of railroading you into a plea agreement and a bad custody settlement.

I believe you have some constitutional rights, even if they are obscured by the way the system works there.

First, I think you have the right to be presumed innocent til proven guilty, and to be helped by an attorney - one you pay for or one provided by the court.  I also believe that if your attorney tries to bully you into saying you did something that you didn't do, you have the right to another attorney - you can stand before the judge and say - and I've seen this happen where I live - "Your Honor, I am not being represented by my attorney.  He is not advocating for me so I need a different attorney."  It's not easy - the judge may basically ask you to tell what your attorney is doing wrong - but I think you will have a good answer to that:  "He is pressuring me to confess to crimes I did not commit, instead of defending me."  If that is on the record, the judge will have to allow you to change lawyers, or your conviction could be overturned on appeal - you are establishing on the record that you are not represented by any attorney.

The other thing I think is key is that the criminal case be decided first so you don't have that hanging over you and you can say, "Ms. Ex accused me of X, Y, and Z, and I was charged with those crimes, but the charges were dropped because there was no evidence.  Those accusations are false, and it's not in the child's interest to spend too much time with the type of person that would make accusations like that."

The prosecutor can take however long she wants but your lawyer should be opposing all the delays and not agreeing to them, and your lawyer should also be asking the court to hold up the custody matter til the criminal matter is decided.  Your lawyer should know a million ways to stall too.

If you aren't being represented by a competent attorney who is a strong advocate for you, that is the first thing to deal with.

[livednlearned]

Lawyers work for you -- if yours isn't on board with you, then find another L. You aren't guilty, and you need to carry yourself that way. I know it's hard, but it's critical that you start believing that you have been seriously wronged. Learn everything you can about how the system works and ask a million questions so you understand the non-obvious stuff. The non-obvious stuff is what we do here -- we were exactly like you, trying to make sense of how this whole system works. Also, we understand some of the psychology that goes with being the type of person who tries to work things out with seriously mentally ill people. You aren't going to come through this the same person. Your backbone is going to come in and no one is ever going to abuse you again.

Start behaving outside your comfort zone. You're a nice guy, probably accommodating to a fault, don't like confrontation, and feel like if you're just good enough and fair enough, things will work out. Those days are over, unfortunately. That reality is never coming back, and will never be how you deal in life again.

You've had your kids ripped from you based on false allegations by a woman who has had her CPS files sealed. You're wrongly accused and need a fair trial otherwise those kids are going to have one exceptionally bad childhood and will struggle their whole adult lives trying to repair, or else repeat some of the things they learned from her. 

Fight hard right now and turn this ship around -- it's not too late. It sucks that you're isolated and people don't believe you, but that's a different narrative you can deal with later. Right now you need to put 110% into proving your innocence. Maybe 200%. Don't take losing personally -- court is slow, and it can be two steps back and then one step forward, and another step forward, and another step forward. But first, you need to recruit a lawyer who will represent you properly. Your lawyer should be fighting like crazy to get the criminal charges dealt with on a schedule that is fair to you.

You're on the defensive in every way. It's tough, everyone here understands. You have to get ahead of the message and start working this like someone who has been wrongly accused, who is pissed, and who wants to see his kids. Call as many law firms as you can and ask questions. Don't start from the perspective that your fate is sealed.

My ex is a former trial attorney and never in a million years did I think I would end up with fully custody. You think they're all powerful and can wreak full damage, but that can't happen if you tap into your strength. It's there. Everyone has it. Friends here will help keep you going when you don't think you can take another step.

[Matt]

Ditto to all LnL's points.

One more to add:

Focus on evidence - think creatively about what evidence might be available somewhere and how you can get it - if you can't get it find out about if you can subpoena it - gather it all, organize it, and figure out the best ways to present it.

So when the time comes, the court will see one party making accusations with no evidence, and the other party showing a lot of solid evidence, all organized into a clear account of what happened (and what didn't happen).

If this sounds like you have to prove your innocence, and that's not how it should be - you should be presumed innocent til proven guilty - then you get the picture.  Don't be a victim - as LnL says - be active and strong, and make the best case you can with as much evidence as possible.  That will turn things around.

And yes, as LnL says, if your lawyer is not a strong advocate for you, he's a loser, and you need to find a better one.  A great lawyer who is not fully on your side is not what you need - what you need is a competent lawyer who will be in your corner all the time.

[livednlearned]

And strategy! Your lawyer needs to do a deposition. Put it on a credit card if you have to -- it's the best way to establish credibility and you can ask your ex about the sealed files. Why she filed them. What happened that she ended up with that file. Why did she see a psychiatrist all those years? Raise doubt about her credibility. BPD sufferers can't keep their stories straight because they are fueled by feelings. They shape the facts around the feelings, and that shows up as lying when they're deposed.

Like I said above, my ex is a former trial lawyer. He fell apart in his deposition. It was a thing of wonder to watch, actually, and a major turning point for me. I finally felt hope that I had a chance. He knew how depositions worked, and had done hundreds and hundreds of them. But he contradicted himself, admitted he wrote the email in front of him and then denied he wrote that same email. Bizarre and surreal -- and this is before we were even in court with him being cross-examined against the deposition testimony. N/BPDx was so awful in the deposition that his attorney did a complete 180. I saw it on his face, realizing he had been duped, that his client was the problem, and that there was no way he could win this case with me being a credible witness and his client being too disordered to keep his story straight from (literally) one second to the next.

[GhostDad]

Yes!

You're so right on that. The number of lies and inconstencies that I've pointed out thus far, have been met with resounding thuds-

"Well, it's a he said she said situation"

As one example, the xBPDw sends the entire school district an email at 6AM, the morning after CPS had arrived at the house.

I wasn't home when CPS had arrived and wouldn't meet or speak with them until much later the following day. And the only reason I did become aware of it is because the xBPDw couldn't resist taunting me, "you're in big trouble".

So even though I had not even spoke with them yet, that didn't stop the xBPDw from emailing the entire school, telling them that "CPS had a long talk with me and I would not be returning home".

She just couldn't wait to begin playing the abuse victim and the fact that she was jumping the gun before I had even spoken to CPS spoke volumes as to her intentions about ever calling them in the first place.  I'm convinced that's one of the reasons why CPS was able to see through her accusations and come to a finding of unfounded.

Getting her answers to that topic in a deposition is going to be very helpful.

Thanks for the insight!

And strategy! Your lawyer needs to do a deposition. Put it on a credit card if you have to -- it's the best way to establish credibility and you can ask your ex about the sealed files. Why she filed them. What happened that she ended up with that file. Why did she see a psychiatrist all those years? Raise doubt about her credibility. BPD sufferers can't keep their stories straight because they are fueled by feelings. They shape the facts around the feelings, and that shows up as lying when they're deposed.

Like I said above, my ex is a former trial lawyer. He fell apart in his deposition. It was a thing of wonder to watch, actually, and a major turning point for me. I finally felt hope that I had a chance. He knew how depositions worked, and had done hundreds and hundreds of them. But he contradicted himself, admitted he wrote the email in front of him and then denied he wrote that same email. Bizarre and surreal -- and this is before we were even in court with him being cross-examined against the deposition testimony. N/BPDx was so awful in the deposition that his attorney did a complete 180. I saw it on his face, realizing he had been duped, that his client was the problem, and that there was no way he could win this case with me being a credible witness and his client being too disordered to keep his story straight from (literally) one second to the next.

[Matt]

Yes, depositions are a good way to deal with false accusations.  My wife showed her colors - more than 40 false statements in 4 hours.

[Harlequin]

Hey ghostdad, your not alone, and it does get better. Do try to be strong and remember that so long as you can look in the mirror and trust that person your doing OK. And the kids will need you healthy as well


I found these websites useful, for both me and my advocate

www.gbfamilylaw.com/premarital-and-post-marital-agreements/the-mentally-incompetent-party/

www.angiemedia.com/2010/03/29/personality-disorder-abusers-in-family-law-courts/#.U_VBP28_5PE

www.parentalalienation.com.au/node/11

[GhostDad]

Thanks so much for this kind words-

And also the helpful links. They describe my situation to a T. Almost as though they were writing for me.

As an update, I've got a new attorney who seems awesome. Very up front from the start. Told me at our first meeting that the real battle comes during the appeal.

We will lose and lose badly with this judge.

We can expect absolutely no fairness or equality with the IDV judge.

This elected judge is highly political and one who prides herself on the basis of her callous disregard for legal principles and precedents. Unashamed, even boastful of her own naked contempt for men and especially fathers. I've agreed to the notion that we are to hold out absolutely no hope with her ruling fairly in any way, on any level.

Nor can we appeal any of the IDV judge interim rulings until AFTER the case has been fully adjudicated.  We simply have to power through this process and get it over with while filing the appropriate motions of law that will reserve our right to be heard at the appellate level solely on the judges own technical violations and errors of the law.

It's going to be a long, dragged out process. On the upside, I'm positive about this and her frank assessment and disclosure to me.

In the meantime, my life remains in a complete state of limbo-personally, emotionally, professionally and economically.

While not one of my children's law guardians has ever met me, one of them has proposed that I undergo "anger management" and "parenting" of some sort.

I countered that she wasn't capable of making appropriate assessments from the other side of the court room and that further, is even less qualified in prescribing ameliorate therapies based on those assessments.

What I countered with, was that both the xBPDw and I undergo forensic psychiatric examinations by a qualified professional. I will commit myself to following through with whatever recommendations are made as a result of that process. But I will not be subjected to allowing non clinical people compel me to attend counseling of any sort that is based entirely on the xBPDw's unfounded allegations or what she's coached our child to say in furtherance to those ends.

Hey ghostdad, your not alone, and it does get better. Do try to be strong and remember that so long as you can look in the mirror and trust that person your doing OK. And the kids will need you healthy as well


I found these websites useful, for both me and my advocate

www.gbfamilylaw.com/premarital-and-post-marital-agreements/the-mentally-incompetent-party/

www.angiemedia.com/2010/03/29/personality-disorder-abusers-in-family-law-courts/#.U_VBP28_5PE

www.parentalalienation.com.au/node/11

[Matt]

Wow - that's sad to hear - that you can't expect fair treatment from this judge, and you probably have to plan on appealing.  A judge like that shouldn't be allowed to sit on the bench.

I suppose there's no chance to change judges or venues... .?

And I'm sure your attorney told you that if you settle, you can't appeal.  The only way to appeal is to go to trial, and lose, and then file the appeal.  A long and expensive path to justice... .

[momtara]

I hear a lot of hope in your statements, and that's good.  i am sorry it takes soo long to get justice, but on a positive note, someday this will all be behind you.  Some people just give up, and it haunts them forever.  Instead, you are being careful, fighting, and even if you lose contact with your kids in the short term, in the long term you will look back and be glad you did everything right.  This will pass.

Be careful when you choose an evaluator that it's not someone who is going to be bought off by your wife.  Some of them are good and some of them are just hired guns.  The good news is that she will take the time to get to know the situation (hopefully) which a judge really cannot.