recycled after 6 months no contact. Found out he is married

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

In a lot of pain after a short recycle with udBLPbf.  He said he still love me  and wanted to live together and I believed him... .fool that I was.

Even after reading this site for months I still had a tiny seed of doubt that it was my fault that we parted and he got into a new relationship with a women he sponsored into the country for a visa from the other side of the world.

He spent last weekend with me after the supposed ex threw a phone at him after she read texts between us with him saying he loved me.

He said he was only sharing a house together until he found somewhere else to live.

After he went back to their house I felt compelled to search for her face book page even though I had searched many times before and never found it.

Her cover photo was of their wedding 12 months ago... .that he had never bothered to tell me about.

When I got in touch with him he said he was going to stay with her... (mostly because he could not find anywhere to live).

I tried to get an appointment with my T but she was booked up.  She suggested I write her an email which I will share here with names deleted... .



Thanks for the suggestion that I write you an email.  I am happy to pay you for any time that it takes you to read it and reply if  you do.

Here is a summary of some of the recent events in my life... .

11.07.14   

Started drinking to try and stop the thoughts of xxxx in my head that I still could not let go.

15.07.14

Stopped drinking after go to the Dr and getting antabuse pills as I know that alcohol will kill me

22.07.14

xxxx contacted me on face book. I did not respond until the next day and made the choice to be in communication with him to see if it would help me either reunite with him or move on from him.

23.07.14

Made contact with xxxx and it was like we had never been apart... .just like alcohol (now there is a revelation)

26.07.14

xxxxg came and stayed for the weekend.  He declared that his former relationship was totally over and that he was looking for a place to move to in xxxx.  I told him I still loved him and he said he loved me also.  We talked about plans to someday live together in the near future after he had sorted out his affairs with his former partner.

He had made an offer on a house bus in xxxx, but this sale fell through and ultimately our plans to be together.

After he went back down South I could feel his reticence and asked him about it.  He told me he was obligated to stay with xxxx until she got her residency permit.

I felt much foreboding and anxiety about this and did not contact him the next morning as usual while I thought about the situation.

Me not contacting him sent him into a tizzy so I apologised for that and we moved on .  When we said our goodnight on viber I sent he sent a message saying I was very dear to him and hoped to live together with me soon to which I replied with a I love you viber sticker (I know. Very high schoolish. He then replied with "I love you also".

He said xxxx had received  a 2 year work visa that day so he did not have to stay after all.

27.07.14

xxxx rang me at 7.30pm telling me that xxxx had creped into the room he was sleeping in and got his phone and read all the viber messages that we had exchanged since we had been in contact.  She went into a "feral fury" and threw the phone at him which gave him a black eye and a cut on his forehead that required 4 stiches.

xxxx must have screamed at him that I was an alcoholic as we talked about that in the messages, so he told her was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.  She screamed that he was a gutter dwelling, alcoholic addict. (Cannot believe that he had not told her already).

She left the house in the morning saying she would be back on Monday.

27.07.14

xxxx rang me at 7.30am to tell me all this and say he was coming up to see me for the weekend ( lucky me).

The weekend was really nice with lots of discussion about our future together and what he was going to do about somewhere to live.

29.07.14

xxxx left at 8am to get back to fed his chickens.  He txt from Kaikoura and when he got home.

Later I sent him some messages that went un answered which was unusual for him and I got a feeling something was happening.

Something made me do another search for xxxxs face book page as I felt sure she would show me something.

Sure enough her page was available to see s it had not been many other times I had searched for it.

The main photo on her page was her and xxxx wedding photo taken in Belfast  on 07.04.13.

At that time we were still close friends and when he got back from Ireland we usually saw each other everyday and he tried several times to reunite with me.  All this time he was married to a women he had only spent 10 days of his life with.

I rang xxxx number several times until he answered.  I asked him what was going on and he asked me if I had seen xxxx face book, which I replied yes.  He said I am married.  I asked why he involved me in his drama and he said he was going to leave the marriage.  I asked if he still was and he said NOT NOW.  I could tell he was talking in front of xxx and manipulating both of us with the one conversation.

I hung up on him.

At stage xxxx said to me that he was too mental to be in a relationship and I believe this to be true. It may also be true of me.

FEELINGS

Anger,  hurt ,  pain,  disbelief  , incredulity,  shame,  despair,  relief.  Not knowing what to do with myself.

My first step was to go and take an antabuse pill so I could not go and get drunk to numb the pain.

I just sat numb in front of the fire for ages then went to bed and managed to get some sleep.

At this point in time I feel shear relief that xxxx must have taken him  back otherwise I would have fallen all over myself trying to make this crazy relationship work, which I can see it would never would have as he is incapable of honesty.

I can see from the way he has just treated his WIFE would just be how he would have been treating me in the future.

His lies and deceptions are intolerable to me.

I do not hate him, as it would be like hating someone that has cancer.  From what I have read his behaviour is classic Borderline Personality Disorder. 

I am not a mental health professional (although Celine was a physc nurse and plans on becoming a lecturer in the subject). 

These are just the dots that I have joined up in order to try and understand his behaviour.

I walked for hours yesterday trying to get some relief.  I talked to my neighbour xxxx and went to an AA meeting.

xxx sent me the following email... .






I apologize for lying to you xxxx, I never told you I was married, I never wanted to lose your friend- ship, I know now how selfish I am.

 

  I'm sorry for hurting you, I've done similar all my life, my dishonesty hurts others that don't deserve it.

  It's all my doing, I'm the only one to blame, I am terribly sorry, you are better than this.

  I see I've been an ass.







I replied.



Thanks for your apology.

I would suggest it is about making amends so you can feel better.  Good luck with that.

I guess the universe had a few more lessons for me to learn and I must be willing to learn them

Thank you for showing me who and what you are really about.  Hopefully I can move on now with the knowledge that I dodged a bullet.

Go free xxxx





So there is the sordid drama xxxx.  I am determined to move on and learn from this whole sad saga.

I pray that it has not set my healing back, as I do not want to relive the pain of the past 12 months.



If you have any thoughts on how I can get through the pain and despair I feel at them moment I would be grateful.



I am considering forwarding this email to xxx so he can get some perspective, or is that just creating  pain and drama for my own purposes.  I still love him but know I could never be with him.



Is any of this about xxxx or is it all about my own dysfunctional beliefs?



xxxx am I crazy?



I look forward to seeing you next Tuesday.



xxxx


  I hope someone can give me some coping strategies right now.  Thanks if you have managed this whole long email x































               

[biglearningcurve]

In a lot of pain after a short recycle with udBLPbf.  He said he still love me  and wanted to live together and I believed him... .fool that I was.

Even after reading this site for months I still had a tiny seed of doubt that it was my fault that we parted and he got into a new relationship with a women he sponsored into the country for a visa from the other side of the world.

He spent last weekend with me after the supposed ex threw a phone at him after she read texts between us with him saying he loved me.

He said he was only sharing a house together until he found somewhere else to live.

After he went back to their house I felt compelled to search for her face book page even though I had searched many times before and never found it.

Her cover photo was of their wedding 12 months ago... .that he had never bothered to tell me about.

When I got in touch with him he said he was going to stay with her... (mostly because he could not find anywhere to live).

I tried to get an appointment with my T but she was booked up.  She suggested I write her an email which I will share here with names deleted... .



Thanks for the suggestion that I write you an email.  I am happy to pay you for any time that it takes you to read it and reply if  you do.

Here is a summary of some of the recent events in my life... .

11.07.14   

Started drinking to try and stop the thoughts of xxxx in my head that I still could not let go.

15.07.14

Stopped drinking after go to the Dr and getting antabuse pills as I know that alcohol will kill me

22.07.14

xxxx contacted me on face book. I did not respond until the next day and made the choice to be in communication with him to see if it would help me either reunite with him or move on from him.

23.07.14

Made contact with xxxx and it was like we had never been apart... .just like alcohol (now there is a revelation)

26.07.14

xxxxg came and stayed for the weekend.  He declared that his former relationship was totally over and that he was looking for a place to move to in xxxx.  I told him I still loved him and he said he loved me also.  We talked about plans to someday live together in the near future after he had sorted out his affairs with his former partner.

He had made an offer on a house bus in xxxx, but this sale fell through and ultimately our plans to be together.

After he went back down South I could feel his reticence and asked him about it.  He told me he was obligated to stay with xxxx until she got her residency permit.

I felt much foreboding and anxiety about this and did not contact him the next morning as usual while I thought about the situation.

Me not contacting him sent him into a tizzy so I apologised for that and we moved on .  When we said our goodnight on viber I sent he sent a message saying I was very dear to him and hoped to live together with me soon to which I replied with a I love you viber sticker (I know. Very high schoolish. He then replied with "I love you also".

He said xxxx had received  a 2 year work visa that day so he did not have to stay after all.

27.07.14

xxxx rang me at 7.30pm telling me that xxxx had creped into the room he was sleeping in and got his phone and read all the viber messages that we had exchanged since we had been in contact.  She went into a "feral fury" and threw the phone at him which gave him a black eye and a cut on his forehead that required 4 stiches.

xxxx must have screamed at him that I was an alcoholic as we talked about that in the messages, so he told her was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.  She screamed that he was a gutter dwelling, alcoholic addict. (Cannot believe that he had not told her already).

She left the house in the morning saying she would be back on Monday.

27.07.14

xxxx rang me at 7.30am to tell me all this and say he was coming up to see me for the weekend ( lucky me).

The weekend was really nice with lots of discussion about our future together and what he was going to do about somewhere to live.

29.07.14

xxxx left at 8am to get back to fed his chickens.  He txt from Kaikoura and when he got home.

Later I sent him some messages that went un answered which was unusual for him and I got a feeling something was happening.

Something made me do another search for xxxxs face book page as I felt sure she would show me something.

Sure enough her page was available to see s it had not been many other times I had searched for it.

The main photo on her page was her and xxxx wedding photo taken in Belfast  on 07.04.13.

At that time we were still close friends and when he got back from Ireland we usually saw each other everyday and he tried several times to reunite with me.  All this time he was married to a women he had only spent 10 days of his life with.

I rang xxxx number several times until he answered.  I asked him what was going on and he asked me if I had seen xxxx face book, which I replied yes.  He said I am married.  I asked why he involved me in his drama and he said he was going to leave the marriage.  I asked if he still was and he said NOT NOW.  I could tell he was talking in front of xxx and manipulating both of us with the one conversation.

I hung up on him.

At stage xxxx said to me that he was too mental to be in a relationship and I believe this to be true. It may also be true of me.

FEELINGS

Anger,  hurt ,  pain,  disbelief  , incredulity,  shame,  despair,  relief.  Not knowing what to do with myself.

My first step was to go and take an antabuse pill so I could not go and get drunk to numb the pain.

I just sat numb in front of the fire for ages then went to bed and managed to get some sleep.

At this point in time I feel shear relief that xxxx must have taken him  back otherwise I would have fallen all over myself trying to make this crazy relationship work, which I can see it would never would have as he is incapable of honesty.

I can see from the way he has just treated his WIFE would just be how he would have been treating me in the future.

His lies and deceptions are intolerable to me.

I do not hate him, as it would be like hating someone that has cancer.  From what I have read his behaviour is classic Borderline Personality Disorder. 

I am not a mental health professional (although Celine was a physc nurse and plans on becoming a lecturer in the subject). 

These are just the dots that I have joined up in order to try and understand his behaviour.

I walked for hours yesterday trying to get some relief.  I talked to my neighbour xxxx and went to an AA meeting.

xxx sent me the following email... .






I apologize for lying to you xxxx, I never told you I was married, I never wanted to lose your friend- ship, I know now how selfish I am.

 

  I'm sorry for hurting you, I've done similar all my life, my dishonesty hurts others that don't deserve it.

  It's all my doing, I'm the only one to blame, I am terribly sorry, you are better than this.

  I see I've been an ass.







I replied.



Thanks for your apology.

I would suggest it is about making amends so you can feel better.  Good luck with that.

I guess the universe had a few more lessons for me to learn and I must be willing to learn them

Thank you for showing me who and what you are really about.  Hopefully I can move on now with the knowledge that I dodged a bullet.

Go free xxxx





So there is the sordid drama xxxx.  I am determined to move on and learn from this whole sad saga.

I pray that it has not set my healing back, as I do not want to relive the pain of the past 12 months.



If you have any thoughts on how I can get through the pain and despair I feel at them moment I would be grateful.



I am considering forwarding this email to xxx so he can get some perspective, or is that just creating  pain and drama for my own purposes.  I still love him but know I could never be with him.



Is any of this about xxxx or is it all about my own dysfunctional beliefs?



xxxx am I crazy?



I look forward to seeing you next Tuesday.



xxxx


  I hope someone can give me some coping strategies right now.  Thanks if you have managed this whole long email x