Should I go to win her back or just run away?

[Englishman]

Well... .here's the story. My girlfriend and I met on the internet in 2004 in Los Angeles. I'm English and she's Asian American. She had been married for 6 years and had two kids. She met me at 1am outside a bar (she wasn't drinking) and came straight back to my apartment and so that really should have been a clue! Two weeks later we were living together! We found a bigger place and all seemed cozy living close to the beach in LA. Her kids lived with her parents and her  soon to be ex-husband. They were 20 miles further south from where we were. She would see the kids every day and then come back to me at night. Things went well... .all seemed good. After a year or so... .the cheating started. The first was a work colleague who worked in another State. She was off to New York for the weekend with her kids and mom (they were flying from a different airport) and I drove her to the airport, kissed her goodbye... .picked her up on Sunday night and we even had sex that very night. Months later... .I found out that she wasn't even in NY... .she was in St.Louis with the work colleague who lived there. We got into a blistering fight when I found out and she overdosed. I rushed her to ER... .sat with her... .went to the Psch ward, where she spent a few days, and she promised what a bad mistake she'd made and she would never contact him again if I took her back. I agreed. Of course... .weeks later... .she was trying to contact him! I spend my summers back in the UK due to my work and I didn't know anything about abandonment but it seems these trips for several months were the triggers. One summer I came back to find that she'd had sex with 7 different men in three months. Including a few ex's and her ex husband. The ex husband said... ."well you were sleeping with her when we were married... .so I did the same." So... .there have been lots of cheating over the years. Lots of angry outbursts from her... .and then we would fight. I never knew about BPD and so I fought right back! If only I'd known! She would always treat me amazingly though... .as she put it... .she likes to smoother!

A couple of years ago... .I came back from the UK and she had been seeing someone but she claimed they were just close friends... .yea, right! Of course, I insisted she stop being with that crowd and she angrily agreed. We were kinda happy for a while... .looked at rings... .talked about a baby. She was 43 by now and it seemed a nice idea. Maybe this settling down would be the beginning of no cheating and calmness. She had a busy job by now and it was taking up all her time. She was living back with her parents and her kids as the ex had moved away. I was living in my own place but she visited every day. Then... .it comes to this summer... .remember... .I know nothing about BPD. We'd been fighting for 5 or 6 months and not getting on. Our intimacy was very rare and she was driving the 4 to 5 hours a day doing the home-work-me-home triangle. She would only stay over on a Saturday night and then I would be working Sunday mornings. We argued and called each other names and she held onto some insults like she had been raped. To this day she says that's why I hate you! She just couldn't let them go. These words were to be the end of the relationship! I did my annual trip to the UK in mid April... .un-known to me... .she went straight onto 3 or 4 dating websites. She later told me... .I just can't be alone. The third date was her man of choice. She immediately spent every weekend living with him... .and missing from her phone. I accused and accused all through May, June and into July. She finally admitted it... .and I guessed from her FB who it was. A mid life crisis guy who is obviously a user of drugs and I thought possibly a dealer. After creating a fake female FB profile and befriending him... .and him trying to sell me coke and Molly (MBNA) it turns out he really is a dealer. He also bad mouthed his ex-Asian girlfriend saying he wasn't into her and she was to old for him. She thought they were taking a brake. Anyway... .I confronted her that... .yes he really was a drug dealer and wasn't even into her... .and she stopped seeing him for two weeks. She was horrified by the transcripts.  Well... .that was until last Sunday when she disappeared again and admitted Monday that they were back together. She also admits doing the drugs with him. She says that he didn't mean the things he typed and didn't intend to cheat on her? Yea, right! I'm stuck here in the UK for a couple of weeks... .but she says when I get back she is with this new guy and we can be friends? What the heck. After 10 years... .after almost being married and having a baby. She says... .I left it to late! Anyway... .I've told her this was my last trip... .but she doesn't care. I've told her that now we can settle... .but she doesn't care. She says that she's SUPER angry with me and she  can't recover from the words I called her! I haven't called her in a few days and don't really know what to do. I've said I'll come straight back... .and she says... .don't come home yet?  And that... .is up until today! I'm 100% sure that she has BPD. Never been diagnosed. I've told her about it and she laughs it off and says "well none of my friends think I have it!" What's a man to do? Run away... .or come back and win her back to have a relationship with treatment of this new found condition? Funny... .no contact for two days and she just calls me just before I hit "Post"... .and we had a two hour conversation. Says she's happy with her new guy... .and just called to see how I am. Says she was heart broken when I didn't marry her two years ago... .and that's when the feelings began to leave her. She never even told me that. April 15th... .the day I left she said she loved me and she dreamed of us settling down and marrying. Now... .she says she doesn't know what she wants!

So... .where do I go from here?

[mywifecrazy]

Run and don't be like Lots wife and look back!

I'm not making light of your situation, I know how hurt and confused you must be. If you were reading this as a post from someone else what would your answer to them be?

Good Luck!

MWC... .

[Englishman]

So after posting she calls me and I send her a link to this post. Hopefully she'll realize that she actually does have BPD and seek help. Also... .maybe she'll then understand some of her misguided feelings and not be so hateful to me. Also... .maybe think about what she's doing... .or what she wants. I arrive back in LA within two weeks.

[elessar]

My heart still yearns for my ex, but my intellect says nothing good will come of it. That would be my advice to you. She obviously does not think there is anything wrong with her. That should be the biggest clue that the future will be the same as the past. I have known my ex since childhood for 14 years, I have pursued her since 10 years back, she has disappeared from my life for 4 years, and she has made the past 4 yrs an alternating heaven and hell. I am too romantic to let go, I keep chasing, I try to fix it, I try to win her back. She enjoys that chase, that attention, but can't commit because that is their illness... .they just can't stably commit for a long time. If she doesn't get treatment, nothing will be different for your ex. It will be the same cycle. The timing of the idealization and devaluation might vary, but the cycle won't stop. And my years of research and own experience tells me that they do not respect us when we allow them to treat us any way they want. And if she doesn't respect you, if she knows she can come back to you and walk all over you, she might keep doing that. It is sad, and it is unfair. You want her because you love her, she might see it as weakness. As my ex has told me during a few of her devaluation phases - "have some self-respect and leave me". Of course if we do, we are blamed in the idealization phase of how we didn't talk to them and didn't want them and how they were waiting to hear from us... .

[elessar]

So after posting she calls me and I send her a link to this post. Hopefully she'll realize that she actually does have BPD and seek help.

I am sorry to tell you this, and I truly hope I am wrong... .but I don't think that was a good idea. I have done it, and this board is filled with posts over the years of people who have done it. It has never ended well. I wish you both the very best.

[gtrhr]

So after posting she calls me and I send her a link to this post. Hopefully she'll realize that she actually does have BPD and seek help.

Yes, the first thing to do once discovering the person has BPD, NPD, PTSD or some combination of symptoms like that is not to run out and tell them!  It's understandable why you would do that because once diagnosed you think, ah maybe there is help for us!  But it doesn't work that way.  So don't feel bad for doing it. I told my ex gf's therapist I thought she had it.  I am doubtful it had any impact significant impact on her therapy.  For a brief period of time I DID see her make an effort to try but it was short lived and those old patterns of hers re-emerged really quickly.

Listen you have been dealing with ten years of cheating and potential drug abuse by your partner.  It sounds like she has no interest in a true marriage or even a monogamous relationship with you.

As mywifecrazy said you need to run away, get some help and get healthy.  Look at your own role in sticking around when you're not getting the kind of relationship you want to have.  I get that she is sexy and exciting but there is a lot more to life than the high you get from that.  Keep posting.

April 15th... .the day I left she said she loved me and she dreamed of us settling down and marrying. Now... .she says she doesn't know what she wants!

So... .where do I go from here?

My ex gf has been telling me about these dreams of hers too.  She want's a future.  She wants us to work-out.  She thinks of us as a family when I help with her two kids.  She's also Asian with her parents living with her.  She regrets the past and wishes we had done more things together.  She has lots of regrets.

Do you know what happens every time I attempt to get closer to her and test the validity of the things she asserts like that?  She backpedals like you would not believe.  "I don't regret anything.  I don't know what I meant when I said that."

If she's not in control she's not happy.

I have recycled many times with her.  In the past I would actually believe her and take her statements of commitment as change on her part, but it wasn't!  But when I test them now I know they're just nice things to say that she knows historically have kept me around.  I used to get furious about it.  Now I accept that it's just her and she's not capable of having a healthy relationship, yet I am.  I have been in one before for over ten years.

Actions speak louder than words!  And reading your post, wow those actions speak to me of a woman who is spoiled, totally self-centered, and not thinking at all about the pain she could cause you or the other men in her life.  She cannot make a clean break from anyone in her past.  Sadly I could say the same about mine.  She's even hurting herself with drug abuse.

You may be told things like it's cultural differences, etc etc or given lots of different excuses.  The bottom line is are you comfortable sharing her with potentially lots of other men?  If so then pursue it.  If not, then get out because you still have your whole life ahead of you to meet someone sweet, sex, fun, hot, intelligent or whatever makes you happy.  Spend time getting to know the person and find out what her values are though.  Most guys let their "I need to procreate" gene take over and only worry about getting laid.  A lot of us guys who've been with pwBPD are absolutely guilty of that.

I would not under any circumstance consider marrying this person given the history you have together.  I mean you think it's bad now?  Imagine her cheating (and from what you've said the temptation for her is too great and she will cheat) and then you find out.  What then?  Therapy?  Treat her sex addiction which it sounds like she may have one?  How do you think the courts will treat you as a guy in a divorce, even though she's the one cheating.

[thereishope]

Run and don't be like Lots wife and look back!

I'm not making light of your situation, I know how hurt and confused you must be. If you were reading this as a post from someone else what would your answer to them be?

I agree... .It wasn't just "your one 'bad' decision" (her excuse) of not asking her to marry you... .but a WHOLE HISTORY of her not being faithful to you, and yanking you around.  She has a habit of hooking up and not being able to let go... .now she is not wanting to let go of you... .You are out of the clutches... .KEEP GOING FORWARD!    You are on the horizon of a healthy, joyfilled life without BPD drama if you choose to take it.

(I am in the midst of the chaos still with uBPDh - wishing for a way out - trying to plan it... .so I envy your freedom from the evils of BPD... .the cycle continues... .but only if you let it.  Think of all the healthy things you can do with your time now! 

[Englishman]

Thanks for the advice everyone. It's good to know that I'm not alone with my experiences. I do however feel somewhat responsible because I've been spending 5 or 6 months every summer back in Europe and leaving her alone in California. Not an excuse for her behavior... .but I'm wondering if I didn't leave her every summer... .and if she got some treatment (which I think she may agree to) she may just be able to clean her act up.

Having said that... .she's now more or less living with some druggy dealer. They broke up briefly after he was trying to get laid with another girl on FB and also admitted dealing... .but it wasn't a girl... .it was me. I showed her the transcript and they stopped talking, she was horrid that he was selling drugs... .but now, she says... .he would never have gone through with it, and he's stopped selling! Right! She messages every other day... .saying she doesn't know what she wants. I'll be back in California in a couple of weeks and then thongs are gonna be hard. Either walk away... .or try to re-kindle... .even though she's already got her next victim. This has happened before! Everyone keeps saying... ."well, why did you leave her?" "What do you expect?" I just didn't expect this. We'd had a non-cheating couple of years and this was to be my last trip before settling. Who knew what would happen. Now I'm banned from all her social media. All our friends and my family have been dumped from her FB... .and she has nice new friends who are her guys friends. She even says... ."these are my friends!" Unbelievable that she doesn't understand what's going on... .but I guess that's BPD.

[mywifecrazy]

Thanks for the advice everyone. It's good to know that I'm not alone with my experiences. I do however feel somewhat responsible because I've been spending 5 or 6 months every summer back in Europe and leaving her alone in California. Not an excuse for her behavior... .but I'm wondering if I didn't leave her every summer... .and if she got some treatment (which I think she may agree to) she may just be able to clean her act up.

Having said that... .she's now more or less living with some druggy dealer. They broke up briefly after he was trying to get laid with another girl on FB and also admitted dealing... .but it wasn't a girl... .it was me. I showed her the transcript and they stopped talking, she was horrid that he was selling drugs... .but now, she says... .he would never have gone through with it, and he's stopped selling! Right! She messages every other day... .saying she doesn't know what she wants. I'll be back in California in a couple of weeks and then thongs are gonna be hard. Either walk away... .or try to re-kindle... .even though she's already got her next victim. This has happened before! Everyone keeps saying... ."well, why did you leave her?" "What do you expect?" I just didn't expect this. We'd had a non-cheating couple of years and this was to be my last trip before settling. Who knew what would happen. Now I'm banned from all her social media. All our friends and my family have been dumped from her FB... .and she has nice new friends who are her guys friends. She even says... ."these are my friends!" Unbelievable that she doesn't understand what's going on... .but I guess that's BPD.

If you go No Contact, let your head clear and come back and read this post in a month or so you will FLABBERGASTED at how much you were in the FOG and how enmeshed she had you in her BPD craziness.  Again not making light of your situation but like Thereisnhope said I too envy your chance to GET OUT. I am out after 20yrs of the FOG but I will never get rid of her completely as we have 2 kids.

You're at a fork in the road. To the left is the BPD craziness you've already experienced. To the right is the path that leads to Freedom, Joy, Happiness and a Healthy Life. The choice is yours, what path will you choose?

Good luck on your journey.

MWC... .

[thereishope]

You're at a fork in the road. To the left is the BPD craziness you've already experienced. To the right is the path that leads to Freedom, Joy, Happiness and a Healthy Life. The choice is yours, what path will you choose?

Exactly... .Gaze intently at these two paths... .Thank hard... .Weigh the options... .and CHOOSE WISELY! 

I'm in the same boat.  I know it's not fun.  Someone told me this morning that we "have power"... .but too often we "give it away".  I'm truly tired of giving it away.

[thereishope]

Exactly... .Gaze intently at these two paths... .Thank hard... .Weigh the options... .and CHOOSE WISELY! 

I meant to say... .GAZE INTENTLY AT THESE TWO PATHS... .(THINK) HARD... .WEIGH THE OPTIONS... .AND CHOOSE WISELY! 

[elessar]

If you go No Contact, let your head clear and come back and read this post in a month or so you will FLABBERGASTED at how much you were in the FOG and how enmeshed she had you in her BPD craziness.  [/quote]
Yes Englishman, if you read your post not even one month, but two years after being in no contact with her, you would think what the hell were you thinking. take this from a guy who had infinite chances to get out of BPD craziness over the years but did not take it.

My advice is first take care of yourself and ask yourself what do you want in a partner and how do you want to be treated. If she is that person or becomes that person, great. But do not wait for her to change or expect her to change. That is her decision and her life. I understand, we desperately want them to see the truth and get help and get better and be with us so that our emotions, efforts and years of time doesn't go waste. But we can't control what others do or think. Even if someone isn't BPD can leave us or cheat on us years into a marriage. Life sucks. But your first goal should be your happiness.

[Englishman]

Just a couple of stories to add just to see if anyone has similar experiences. About 5 years ago... .after I'd found out about her cheating with several guys... .her phone kept wringing  all weekend from her counselor. I'm not sure if he was a psych or not... .but he was definitely helping her and giving her valuable counseling. Finally... .I saw the number and called him back to see if he was just another guy she'd been having an affair with. He said that he was worried about her after her father had just died! I explained to him that her father wasn't dead and was just fine! He was horrified. He then said that he wasn't experienced enough to handle her. End of counseling. She had just found out that her dad was cheating on her mom.

Another time... .she became pregnant... .and we agreed it was the wrong time to have a baby, although she did like the idea of keeping it. I paid for the termination... .and life carried on. Then, I later found out that she was seeing someone else at the time she became pregnant... .after looking at the calendar and dates ... .there was no ways that it was mine... .and she wanted to keep it, as my baby, without telling me. Very Maurey Povich! Such a sweet girl... .that does very bad things.

[gtrhr]

Such a sweet girl... .that does very bad things.

So in summary she habitually uses drugs; is possibly dating a dealer; she's promiscuous; overdosed; lies to you; cheats on you; lies to her counselor; describes her father as dead when he's in fact alive; has an abortion for a child you couldn't have possibly fathered yet she says belongs to you; and gets you to pay for the abortion.  Did I miss anything?

To be honest this is all in a different stratosphere!  I believe I would change my identity.  She's scary!

[Visitor]

Such a sweet girl... .that does very bad things.

So in summary she habitually uses drugs; is possibly dating a dealer; she's promiscuous; overdosed; lies to you; cheats on you; lies to her counselor; describes her father as dead when he's in fact alive; has an abortion for a child you couldn't have possibly fathered yet she says belongs to you; and gets you to pay for the abortion.  Did I miss anything?

To be honest this is all in a different stratosphere!  I believe I would change my identity.  She's scary!

I'm betting, like the rest of the girls with BPD, she was very "accommodating" in the bedroom... and you know what us men are like... .all the above can be forgiven when she gives a good BJ  

[Visitor]

Englsihman

This girls problems go far beyond the realms of BPD.

You are being what is called a co-dependent enabler.

Cut her off, find your inner centre again and learn to be happy alone.

This is when the right person will come into your life and this is when she will come begging for you back.

[Englishman]

Thanks for the advice everybody. After reading hours and hours of other peoples stories it's absolutely amazing that people have exactly the same experiences. Same lies, same cheating, same games, same fights, same excuses, same splitting etc. etc. It does go to show that this is an actual medical condition. Not many good outcomes to be found unfortunately. In my situation she has called to tell me that she's happen and in love with her new victim. She's obviously in that reaction from being abandoned honeymoon period... .and the lucky guy has the fun stuff all to come quite soon! I do miss her but every day is getting clearer and the fog is thinning. Not one person on here or amongst my friend have said stay with her. Just the opposite. I'm beginning to feel pity for her, because she's just a mixed up girl in a lot of pain searching for love... .which she obviously can't accept or give because she doesn't know what it is... .nor is she likely to. I'm beginning to remember the bad things more than the good... .which is healing! Funny thing is... .when she's seems to be absolutely honest sometimes... .she'll say "I'm no good." I have empathy for her... .although I know that she certainly has none for me. Funny thing is... .I leant her $500 recently after she broke with her new guy... .so she could go to a spa... .she didn't use it and I accused her of conning me. She'd put the money back into my bank account a week later without me knowing... .yet still let me accuse her! Mind games again! Keep the good advice and help up people!

[elessar]

I'm beginning to feel pity for her, because she's just a mixed up girl in a lot of pain searching for love... .which she obviously can't accept or give because she doesn't know what it is... .nor is she likely to. I'm beginning to remember the bad things more than the good... .which is healing! Funny thing is... .when she's seems to be absolutely honest sometimes... .she'll say "I'm no good."

This is why these boards are my therapy. I could have written that. It is amazing to see it is the SAME story. it is nice not to feel all alone where no one gets what u went through. take care buddy.

[Englishman]

So I'll be back in LA in a couple of weeks and my ex has now officially told everyone that she's with her new guy. (drug dealer) Has a million excuses why we didn't work... .although we lasted 10 years. Here's the problem. I own her car, it's in my name. She still owes me $2,500. She was gradually paying it off. Well... .she was getting a severance package to pay it off and now says that she didn't get as much as she thought she would. And... .she can't pay it off. I've told her... .pay it off or I'll tow it away... .sell it... .and give her back her half in cash. The last thing I want is her greasy new druggie delivering drugs in a  car owned by me. I owe her nothing right! She says that I'm trying to ruin her life as she looks for a new job... .yea, right!

Thoughts anyone?

[thereishope]

So I'll be back in LA in a couple of weeks and my ex has now officially told everyone that she's with her new guy. (drug dealer) Has a million excuses why we didn't work... .although we lasted 10 years. Here's the problem. I own her car, it's in my name. She still owes me $2,500. She was gradually paying it off. Well... .she was getting a severance package to pay it off and now says that she didn't get as much as she thought she would. And... .she can't pay it off. I've told her... .pay it off or I'll tow it away... .sell it... .and give her back her half in cash. The last thing I want is her greasy new druggie delivering drugs in a  car owned by me. I owe her nothing right! She says that I'm trying to ruin her life as she looks for a new job... .yea, right!

Thoughts anyone?

I think this is MORE THAN reasonable... .You should not feel bad about getting back your $2500/selling the car and giving her back what is hers and keeping what is yours.  I TOTALLY AGREE also that I WOULD NOT want or allow anything in my name to go into the hands of a drug dealer to be used... .you definitely don't want legal problems because of illegal activity!  Also, my thought is that unfortunately, it shouldn't be too difficult for her to get a new vehicle from her new criminal money-making buddy, right?     I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.  Suggestions... .Stay strong.  Protect yourself.  Look forward (not backward) into a bright, healthy future for yourself, free of this drama.     You can and will get there!

[JohnLove]

Such a sweet girl... .that does very bad things.

So in summary she habitually uses drugs; is possibly dating a dealer; she's promiscuous; overdosed; lies to you; cheats on you; lies to her counselor; describes her father as dead when he's in fact alive; has an abortion for a child you couldn't have possibly fathered yet she says belongs to you; and gets you to pay for the abortion.  Did I miss anything?

To be honest this is all in a different stratosphere!  I believe I would change my identity.  She's scary!

Hello Englishman, I echo this sentiment from gthr... .but I would add the other crazy things you haven't mentioned here and the stuff you've overlooked or since forgotten. Your posts are quite unreal (but living with and dealing with pwBPD I do believe every word you say).

I could be wrong but after all this I don't know how anything good could ever come from this "relationship".

[Englishman]

Everything I've written here is exactly how it happened. This is the second car I bought her. Here's the story of the first. About 6 or 7 years ago I came back from Europe to LA Christmas Eve because she wanted me home for Christmas. A few days later I bought here a new car. She begged and begged to drive the 20miles to her parents to show her kids the new car. With no insurance I reluctantly agreed... .but just for an hour and she agreed to come right back. Of course... .she crawls in at midnight saying she fell asleep with her kids. A few months later I had gotten into her email and she stored all of her text messages going back many months. She didn't go to see the kids... .she went to see a guy that she was seeing at that time. Unbelievable.

The thing is... .I didn't know about BPD and I thought this year that at 45 she was over the cheating and I wanted her in a safer car than the car she had. So, at my suggestion... .we bought the current one. Which... .I will now take back... .and then she will be f****d! The new guy is just an unemployed petty drug peddler... .he won't buy her one. Of course... .I'll get the blame for ruining her life again! But you know what... .she did this... .not me!

[gtrhr]

Englishman, of all the stories I've read on here yours has seemed the most unreal to tell you the truth - and also the most intriguing.  The individual elements don't seem implausible, but taken as a whole I really wondered if you were having a bit of good fun with us at first.  Had to withhold judgment though because re-reading it, there are so many details.  It's not inconceivable to be dating a habitual liar.  You add drugs, promiscuity, and immaturity into the mix and we have a very toxic soup!

Maybe what is most unbelievable is that you tolerated her behaviors for so long.  But how many of us here can say that about our own situations?  My ex gf cheated and lied before.  It was agonizing but the hurt of losing her seemed greater.  And so I came back.  I wasn't well emotionally.  It's possible I'm in the dark about more things than I even know about.

The thing about all of it is, your writing seems rather lighthearted about the whole affair!  e.g. Saying she is a sweet girl who does bad things makes you seem rather unaffected by really painful circumstances.  I'm curious your feelings about it.  :)o you ever feel rage, and hatred towards her for the lies and cheating?  Feel like you deserve someone who will be faithful and monogamous with you?  I know in my own situation it really cut to the core to not be valued by the person more like that.  But we have to value ourselves enough first to not let toxic people in our lives.  Most of the stories on this board end up being about us, the nons, and how we tolerate the intolerable in order to capture that feeling of "being loved" again.

Good luck getting the car situation sorted out.  Hope you can settle your business with her quickly and move into no contact.  It sounds like she's brought you a lot of heartache and she has no motivation to change.  So it's up to you to make better choices in the future.  (spoken like someone who has trouble following his own advice naturally... .)

[Englishman]

Well... .I spend summers back in the UK and lots of people always say, well... ."how could you leave her for up to 6 months. You're really asking for it!" She's a beautiful girl. She's been loyal (as far as I know) for two years and I never expected what's happened this summer. This was to be my last UK trip and the intention was to settle with her back in California. As soon as I left I was split black and the cruelest guy ever who broke her heart again and again. She has nothing good to say about me. She isn't interested in what I'm doing... .she doesn't even check messages on the messenger thing. She has a new guy she's living with and I'm blocked on FB... .except for her nice new picture of her and him... .he has a different pic of her and him for his profile. She just says that I abused her and I hate her and that none of family want us back together.

As for the car... .looks like she paid most of it off today and she says the rest tomorrow. And that I was trying to destroy her! She's never been into drugs really except for sleeping pills. (her mom is a nurse) This new guy is her coke influence that I'm worried about.

Also... .I've lost about 22lbs in two months... .I have to take Antihystamines to sleep... .and I'm falling apart. I do my work on auto pilot... .and I miss her like you could never imagine. She claims we broke up before I left... .and I did say "ok, your single. Leave me alone" back in Feb... .but we laughed and hung out every day afterwards. She remembered it... .and when caught said... .well, you dumped me.

Not a good time for me. I don't know if she'll even see me when I get to LA. She idealizes the new guy already. Not good!

[Moselle]

I've read your story, and can empathise with it. I had 14 years and three children invested in my BPD relationship, before I woke up to reality.

I read a book recently called "How to stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist", which I highly recommend.

It talks about accepting that they will never change, and getting on with living our own life. So to answer your question, I think you should do neither, don't try to win her back nor run away, but start living life - your life, the way you want to live it. And then see what she does. I believe that anything is possible.

In my case this has had a strange effect on my uBPD separated w. After 7 months of raging and hating me, she has switched to chasing me.

The battle of decision making around staying or leaving is secondary to the one about living the life you are meant to live.

BTW, very few people are able to live with a pwBPW. It needs someone with a very strong sense of self, and someone willing to spend alot of time adjusting their lives to suit them.

Good luck with your decision, I'll need plenty with mine.

[NeedHelpPls]

People run away from the fire. not into one.

[Moselle]

People run away from the fire. not into one.

Yes, I can understand that. I ran to another city for 7 months to get the space I needed, and to understand this disease. And I can fully understand why someone would make a choice to run permanently. But there are other choices too, and fires don't usually burn forever.

[NeedHelpPls]

People run away from the fire. not into one.

Yes, I can understand that. I ran to another city for 7 months to get the space I needed, and to understand this disease. And I can fully understand why someone would make a choice to run permanently. But there are other choices too, and fires don't usually burn forever.

Agreed... .wishing you all the best!

also, is that "Invictus"? thats one of my favorite poem of all time!

[NeedHelpPls]

People run away from the fire. not into one.

fires don't usually burn forever.

they do burn... for as long as there is something to burn.

[Moselle]

they do burn... for as long as there is something to burn.

Ha Ha, OK I'll leave you with the last laugh on this one. Yes it is Invictus. Powerful poem for those caught in a fire :-)