I split with my BPDexgf on April 14th. It was a mess to say the least.
I am exactly 50 days NC today. Previously I was very LC for 6 weeks.
In the last 50 days she has emailed me directly 5 times. She also tried to reach me through my aunt and another time through a mutual friend.
Each time I have ignored her attempts to connect. I have felt empowered and resolute.
This morning I woke up with a strong feeling that she would reach out. As soon as i opened my mails this morning there was a mail from her with the subject "friendship"
Immediately I felt that familiar anxiety and discomfort. I decided to read the mail and I'm glad I did. It went like this... .
She started by asking how I was.
She then stated the obvious that it was apparent that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with her.
She then said she could understand my pain but was not sure of exactly what this was
She then told me "her side" which was that she could not tolerate being in a relationship where she was "the therapist and caregiver and her needs were not being met"
She told me how disappointed she was that I was not the man she thought I'd be and that this devastated her and made her feel "unsafe"
She told me she loves me deeply and misses her "friend"
She attached two pics of her diary... .one was an entry of the day we met and the other was the date I told her I loved her.
She asked me to put my ego and fear aside and hopes that I will one day reach out too in true friendship.
I had to laugh
This mail is just a bunch of mixed messages. A dump of bs in my opinion. I was able to see it for what it was. She is looking for some supply. A validation that she is special to me. The part about being my therapist and caregiver was ridiculous
She needed taken care of constantly on all levels. The stance she took towards the end of our relationship was that I was mentally ill and needed drastic and intensive help. She was convinced that I was the one making her ill by triggering her and forcing extreme reactions. This is untrue and today I have enough distance and time between to not buy into it. For a while I also suspected that I was mentally ill and abusive. Now I know I'm not.
I was able to step aside and observe this.
On the positive side, I had no urge to respond nor was charmed by her sketchy messages.
On the downside, this made me feel uncomfortable and I just wish she would vapourise and the whole story would disappear.
I have followed guidance in terms of NC. I have chosen not to respond for now.
There is a part of me that wants to send a short message to tell her that I have moved on, to respect this and to leave me alone completely.
The reason for this is that these periodic emails derail and defocus me and I just don't want her in my life anymore! Simple.
She is blocked on all levels apart from my email. I have tried but her mails slip through somehow
Does anyone one have more experience in this. I welcome any shares and guidance.
Peace
LF
