What is going on?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So I know I’ve been posting a lot here but this is where my brain is right now…

The first week after my wife left, I felt great, happy to be free, happy to have my time to myself and not have to take care of her anymore. Now I’m in some sort of funk. I don’t know exactly what it is, but it feels weird. Sometimes I express myself better in bullet points.

•I do not miss her

•I’m so mad at her for manipulating me and convincing me she wasn’t mentally ill

•I’m mad at myself for buying her BS

•I don’t even love her anymore

•She is not trying to contact me (many of you say your exes keep contacting you) because we sort of had a blow-out over email

•I do not want to get back together

•We’re getting divorced

•I am refinancing my condo with a better interest rate

•I took care of her for so long that maybe now I don’t know what to do with myself?

•It feels sort of like I don’t have a purpose

•I’m not eating well (and I usually eat really really well), I’m having trouble calming down at night to go to sleep

•I love cooking, but I’m not really cooking right now (no one to cook for?)

•I sit at work all day on this board reading about everyone’s experiences

•I google things about BPD and read more about it

•I check up on my wife’s dating profile and also check out her craigslist ads (it’s easy to tell which ones are hers)

•After a ton of socializing that first week without my wife, I suddenly want minimal contact with people

•I have no interest in dating just yet

•I spend a lot of time at home watching t.v. and not eating healthy food

•We live very close to each other (like a 15 minute walk) so I’m paranoid I’ll run into her if I walk home from work instead of taking the bus, so I’ve been taking the bus home a lot

•I want to walk because it’s healthy and I need to get into better shape

What is going on? Am I obsessing too much? Instead of reading about BPD all day shouldn’t I be doing something else with myself?

[SpringInMyStep]

So I know I’ve been posting a lot here but this is where my brain is right now…

The first week after my wife left, I felt great, happy to be free, happy to have my time to myself and not have to take care of her anymore. Now I’m in some sort of funk. I don’t know exactly what it is, but it feels weird. Sometimes I express myself better in bullet points.

•I do not miss her

•I’m so mad at her for manipulating me and convincing me she wasn’t mentally ill

•I’m mad at myself for buying her BS

•I don’t even love her anymore

•She is not trying to contact me (many of you say your exes keep contacting you) because we sort of had a blow-out over email

•I do not want to get back together

•We’re getting divorced

•I am refinancing my condo with a better interest rate

•I took care of her for so long that maybe now I don’t know what to do with myself?

•It feels sort of like I don’t have a purpose

•I’m not eating well (and I usually eat really really well), I’m having trouble calming down at night to go to sleep

•I love cooking, but I’m not really cooking right now (no one to cook for?)

•I sit at work all day on this board reading about everyone’s experiences

•I google things about BPD and read more about it

•I check up on my wife’s dating profile and also check out her craigslist ads (it’s easy to tell which ones are hers)

•After a ton of socializing that first week without my wife, I suddenly want minimal contact with people

•I have no interest in dating just yet

•I spend a lot of time at home watching t.v. and not eating healthy food

•We live very close to each other (like a 15 minute walk) so I’m paranoid I’ll run into her if I walk home from work instead of taking the bus, so I’ve been taking the bus home a lot

•I want to walk because it’s healthy and I need to get into better shape

What is going on? Am I obsessing too much? Instead of reading about BPD all day shouldn’t I be doing something else with myself?

[amigo]

Don't beat yourself up over reading about BPD all day long. I do the same. I have plenty of other things to do, I have come a long way getting over the acute pain, but I still can't stop reading and posting here all the time. I think it is a good thing. Every post I read confirms, that I am doing the right thing by staying away. When I stop coming on here regularly, I end up fantasizing and selectively remembering the good things. Being on here keeps me focused on reality.

It is so early for you yet. Let yourself grieve. In time you will get active and eat right again. Maybe take a different route home from work, a longer one. More exercise

You don't know what to do with yourself? Make a list of stuff you would really enjoy, even if some of it is not feasible, just to get yourself to think of pleasant things for you to do.

And you know what, if there is absolutely nothing you feel like doing, and you are just in a total funk, that's ok too. Just stay here and read and post and eventually you will want to do something else. No need to force yourself to "snap out of it". Just my take on it. I've been there. Still am sometimes. Have you looked into mindfulness and meditation? Yoga? Just some things that really helped me cope.

[MommaBear]

Been over 1.5 years for me, and I still grieve. In fact, I didn't want to learn a THING about BPD when he first got diagnosed because I felt like enough of my time, energy and attention was wasted on him as it was, so I didn't give a s**t about his mental illness or the finer points of communication at that point.

I was burned out, and all he could talk about was his BPD. It was like his new free pass for crummy, intolerable behavior and selfishness.

Now, he denies ever having it.

But I read about it now, and sometimes I ask myself WHY?

Sometimes, in bed with my bf (new man, totally the opposite of the xhwBPD), I get flashbacks of our old apartment, and lying in bed next to the ex. Nothing intimate, but just being there. We rarely cuddled. But it was almost as if I knew my place, there, by his side, and now in this new relationship, my place is anywhere I want it to be.

I get what you mean by, why care/cook if there's no one to care/cook for. Sometimes I feel useless having such a well-adjusted, organized, motivated, positive partner in life!

But I took baby steps. I took up some old hobbies, and let them slide when things got too difficult or I felt the urge to recycle. Part of getting over this is allowing ourselves to let things slide, to be lazy, to be selfish and to "not care" and to be okay with that. A difficult thing for many of us, but when you take a step back you realize it's really no big deal. In time, it gets easier, and the passion for all those things we cast aside begins to spark new life in us.

Maybe we need to learn to be passionate about caring for ourselves? At least for a little while.

Don't beat yourself up. It's a process, and I'm a lot like you in that I try to rush the recovery and force myself to be okay with it all. Part of the problem in my marriage was forcing myself to be okay with things I really should have never tolerated.

Sometimes I wonder if my comfort zone - like a lot of caregivers - isn't someone else's chaos.

[Popcorn71]

If it helps you, then carry on reading.

At first, I was obsessively reading these boards.  It kind of made me feel that it wasn't me that was the problem because so many others had been through the same experiences.  I wasn't alone.

As time has passed, I have got back into my own life, but still look in here most days.  Slowly, I am sorting out my mind.

The past couple of weeks have been bad.  I am back to constantly thinking of my ex.  I have put it down to being a year since he left me.  Maybe once the anniversary is over, I will feel better again.

Anyway, I find some kind of comfort from reading here.  I think it's a great thing how we can all support and help each other to recover  

[seeking balance]

Look to the right strawberries, 5 stages of detachment.  This is what processing looks like, it is normal and you won't be here forever.

Pick 1 thing (maybe walking) and decide to do it whether you feel like it or not.  One new creative action helps move forward.   You won't feel like it, but do it anyways.

There is a balance between giving ourselves the space we need to process and slowly building our new life... .it isn't going to look perfect.  Be very kind to yourself as you find your balance... .you are processing way more than you realize right now and you are much stronger than you even know.

Peace,

SB

[SpringInMyStep]

Thanks you guys! 

I just got home from therapy and feel soo much better! You're right, I was being very hard on myself when it's only been 3 weeks.

Regarding the whole worrying what my ex is doing business, my therapist says that's not healthy (duh) and asked why I was doing it. Am I worried about her? No. Do I care? No. Then why do I want to know what she's up to?

I thought about it and realized that I'm really really pissed off that I supported her for so long and tried to build her up and realize (or so I thought) that she is a worthwhile person with a lot to offer. So now, reading her craigslist ad and knowing that basically she's now a prostitute, she's fulfilling her own negative self-image! Her ex/roommate moves out today and I just know she's going to slip back into drugs. It's maddening. This woman who comes from a wealthy family, had all of her college & law school paid for AND her parents bought her a condo with cash, just throws it all away like this! And I thought for a time that I could help her! That I could snap her out of it and help her live a better life.

But she doesn't want that. She wants to be the victim forever.

My therapist also discouraged me from sending any sort of "manifesto" telling my ex exactly why I can't be with her because it won't help. It'll just encourage my ex into thinking she's the victim even more. Also, I mentioned how she's not contacting me at all and my T says it's possible she might try to after all of this calms down. She may realize that I have something that she wants and may try to manipulate me again. Not gonna happen! So I'll be on the lookout for that.

AAAAH I feel so much better! I do like hanging out here but I think I should be careful because I don't want to start to feel like I'm a victim. I don't do victim very well. I am very independent and self-sufficient and can take care of myself. 

[martymcfly5]

She wants to be the victim forever.

... .for EVERYTHING... from having a f'd up family and treating it likes it's a badge of honor too, to having a year-long adrenal issue, to having one pupil larger than the other... folks, I can't make this stuff up.

My therapist also discouraged me from sending any sort of "manifesto" telling my ex exactly why I can't be with her because it won't help. It'll just encourage my ex into thinking she's the victim even more.

... .Good to hear this as I have also have NOT given a "manifesto" to mutual friends as well. I don't need to feel that sort of pride or to smear her... .she'll smear herself soon enough. I know what happened between us, they don't need the 3-act play on a stage and I certainly do not need the BPD backlash. Why add lighter fluid to a 3-alarm fire?

AAAAH I feel so much better! I do like hanging out here but I think I should be careful because I don't want to start to feel like I'm a victim. I don't do victim very well. I am very independent and self-sufficient and can take care of myself. 

... .  ditto, this site is a great place to visit to get an injection of validation/camaraderie as we have all experienced something that is quite outside of the lines of comprehension... .however we can't live here forever. Myself, I know that I am making progress as my visits here are not as frequent as they were when the $hitstorm first made land-fall early summer. I'm in the paying it forward mode, which also helps reinforce my NC and staying the course... which we all are in different stages. My NC is now 6 weeks and going strong. Lately reading posts regarding NC and those who broke NC have helped me reinforce what I already knew long ago "I don't deserve ill treatment" and "I matter."

[MammaMia]

ilovestrawberries

Listen to your therapist: 

Stay away from your ex.  Do not contact her by e-mail, phone, or letter.  No manifesto.

NEVER check her FB or anything on-line. Block her from your social media outlets, and consider blocking her on your phone.

Do not ask her friends or family how she is or what she is doing.   

Deal with her only through your lawyer.


If you do any of the above, it will get back to her with serious consequences. Accept that the relationship is over, and you did your best.  It is very "normal" to feel sad when a marriage ends, but understanding that it was a mistake is crucial to healing.  Just leave it at that.

Most importantly, do not see this as a failure, but an opportunity to move on and be happy.

There is life after BPD. 

[topknot]

I honestly allowed myself to gain some weight, even though I didn't need to, and to just pamper myself after he left.  In looking back, I think how frantic I was when he lived here to please him, to make sure he was happy here, to make every meal a gourmet one... .to make sure he wouldn't need another woman.  No, it can't be any other cheese but gruyere with mushrooms... .I'm running thru the grocery store like a nutball trying to find the cheese he wants... what the hell was I doing? After all that, he was talking to other babes anyway. Who was the idiot here?  Now I sit back, make whatever I want to eat, and am learning to like myself again.  I see myself as a likeable person, not a codependent nervous wreck.  Give it a lot of time; progress to heal from this is a long haul.  View your little successes each day