Give up the illusion

[caprice]

Hi,

The hardest thing for me is giving up on the illusion of our relationship.  The incredible highs.  Total feeling of contentment.  When things were good - they were really really good.  I felt so connected to him.

I have to believe that he cared in whatever limited way he was able to.  I have a tough time believing all the romance, everything was all a lie.  We had amazing sex together.  Each and every time.  He was/is a total sex addict.  I almost left my marriage to be with him full time.  I was seriously considering an "open" relationship because even though he told me I was the "one", I knew eventually he would get bored and move on.  (This guy is on his 2nd marriage and I am not his first affair.)  By contrast I've been with my hubby 15 years, married 12 and never once cheated on him until last summer where I stupidly got to close to this man.

I'm not sure if I'm still harboring guilt... .but I know I have so much longing for this man.  The chemistry was intense.  It was never like that for my hubby and I, not even in the beginning.

How do you let go of the illusion and appreciate what you life is?  Every day of NC gets a little easier but then some days as I feel my life return to normal, I literally panic, I check him on FB and twitter... .looking for some sign that he still cares.

[elessar]

Isn't it amazing how can they make us leave everything? Last year on these boards I read a post from a man whose BPD significant other in his 20s came to his life about 25 years later, and he left his wife to be with this ex... .for her to leave him again.

I was ready to leave my amazing parents 8 years back (I was 21 then), I did leave my faith and never got back to it, and I let being with her decide my career, courses, and eventually where I live. It all turned out to be for nothing. And everyone writes how amazing the sex was. It surely was. Even last month it was as amazing as it was all those years back in college. And as she was my first, and my only one, I do not even know what to expect in the future from a normal human relationship... .

It was a child-caregiver relationship though, she would run whenever angry at mommy-daddy or feeling alone, and run back to them whenever the anger was over. Now she found a new guy to marry, let's see if he is going to be the same care-giver. Heart says it was a real relationship, intellect is starting to say there was nothing normal or healthy about it. Just an illusion.

[Heartandsole]

Heart says it was a real relationship, intellect is starting to say there was nothing normal or healthy about it. Just an illusion.

That is what I am beating myself up about.  My intellect has a gun to my head forcing me to walk the divorce plank while my heart is clinging to the side of this sinking ship.  It's brutally heartwrenching!

[gtrhr]

I left my wife of nine years at the time to be with my BPD gf.  It started as an affair a couple of years prior unfortunately too but it took me a long time to make the decision to leave the marriage, and her ambivalence which she blamed on the affair I think really had more to do with BPD based on how she behaved later.  She moved the carrot again - oh, I'm just treating you bad because you're not divorced yet.  Huh?  In what universe does that make sense?  So many ups and downs even after I left my wife.  And yes the sex was amazing and early on she also seemed to really get me, and provided tons of validation which I was lacking in my marriage.  She was going through her divorce when we started dating and so I was helping her get over him too it seems.  Until she no longer needed me.  Until I broke up withher when I tried to do the right thing and figure out what to do in my marriage.  After that she claims she hated me and the way she treated me certainly shows it.  If I could back up to the point where I told her I had feelings for her and not do it, I would and put an end to this nightmare.  Once we got together it was a tumultuous six months together.  Followed by several years of being apart long periods of time then recycling.  I even just saw her once recently but nothing has changed with her in terms of not being able to be stable for a relationship.  I am certain without a doubt this will perpetuate itself as long as I let myself stay in it being unfulfilled and unhappy.  That cannot happen long term. *sigh*

[Caredverymuch]

Hi,

The hardest thing for me is giving up on the illusion of our relationship.  The incredible highs.  Total feeling of contentment.  When things were good - they were really really good.  I felt so connected to him.

I have to believe that he cared in whatever limited way he was able to.  I have a tough time believing all the romance, everything was all a lie.  We had amazing sex together.  Each and every time.  He was/is a total sex addict.  I almost left my marriage to be with him full time.  I was seriously considering an "open" relationship because even though he told me I was the "one", I knew eventually he would get bored and move on.  (This guy is on his 2nd marriage and I am not his first affair.)  By contrast I've been with my hubby 15 years, married 12 and never once cheated on him until last summer where I stupidly got to close to this man.

I'm not sure if I'm still harboring guilt... .but I know I have so much longing for this man.  The chemistry was intense.  It was never like that for my hubby and I, not even in the beginning.

How do you let go of the illusion and appreciate what you life is?  Every day of NC gets a little easier but then some days as I feel my life return to normal, I literally panic, I check him on FB and twitter... .looking for some sign that he still cares.

Hi Caprice,

I most certainly can relate to the illusion of giving up the r/s. Yes, the highs were beyond comparison and in that time frame, immense contentment existed. I could liken it to the most peaceful and tranquil state of being on earth. Like time was standing still for just the two of us. I could have slept forever in his arms. It was that kind of peaceful tranquility. I do know what you mean and what you struggle to have to give up.

I do understand the complexity of the disorder and the mechanisms related to the latter phases, and I do understand that the idealization phase is not fully realistic but I do believe the feelings shared during that time most certainly were real. The unfortunate part is they were not sustainable for the pBPD. Thus, the latter phases occur.

It is fortunate you picked up on the red flags associated with your expBPD having several past r/s. I unfortunately did not at that time.

I believe that this level of connection was never felt before bc it was so inflated. PBPD inflate and idealize their partners by mirroring to an extreme that many of us had never known before. This occurs very quickly  red-flagand and becomes very intoxicating. Healthy r/s don't start off like that. They take time and confidence in knowing to bond to a unique degree.  

THe bBPD love bombs. They use sex as a tool to hook their partners by assessing the partners sexual appetite and then over compensating in a way we may also have never known before  .

When this is "gone" it indeed leaves a sense of longing. Are you recommitted to your marriage?  If so, my suggestion would be to focus on the r/s with your spouse which is based on much more than idealization and is safe from subsequent push/pull/devaluation and abandonment, which is what your r/s with a pBPD would become.  

[caprice]

Wow. Wow. Wow.  Thank you for all your responses.

It’s been 10 months since my ex and I split up.  (Granted I had a few slips ups in that but we’ve been mostly NC for the last 3-4 months.)  After posting yesterday, I thought about what my therapist said that I’m just continuing the affair in my mind by obsessing on it and I wondered if joining this board would be a good thing.

You’re responses literally made me cry.  I’m a pretty strong person but this whole affair has left me weak and unsure about who I am.  I am not an adulteress.  This is NOT who I am.  Luckily I have close friends who know and love me and don’t judge me.

However the sex with this man was so fantastic that even now I obsess about starting back up again.  In Sept my youngest will be in school which means I will be alone at home and it would be SO easy to rekindle the affair.  (He works shift work.)  Sometimes I wish I was strong enough (and perhaps cruel enough) to continue an affair for years while staying married.  That's how good it was.  Have my cake and eat it too!

Caredverymuch - you hit the nail on the head.  "like time was standing still for the two of us.  I could've slept forever in his arms."  That is EXACTLY it.  I have so much grief that I will never feel that way again.  My hubby's self esteem has taken a huge slap and I wish I could love bomb him like my ex did to me.  But I don't have the energy and he has never felt like my soulmate.  He's reliable, a good dad, a good man but it's making me question our whole relationship.  If I really loved him that much how could I do that to him?  I know if I put the effort into it we could move forward but it feels like I'm losing something very valuable.  Not just my ex, but the part of me that was fun and sexy and free with him.  I just went on a two week holiday with my kids but no hubby.  I had fun.  I was free.  That scares me that I didn't really miss my hubby that much.  But I also realize that we are in a crappy place right now.  Still walking on eggshells.  Still unsure of our future. 

I'm getting to a place where I know my ex was not for me... .but his my hubby going to be "enough"?

[Huh?]

Wait. Im sorry, am I reading this wrong?  Youre married?  Like married, married? And youre upset your arent with your ex boyfriend anymore... .while you are married?

[elessar]

Yes, it might be a little shocking to read at first, but before we judge... .lets think about our own BPDs. and what can they do to a relationship. I left my faith and barely had a normal relationship with my family for nearly 4 yrs... .a family who have loved me unconditionally and given me everything at great personal sacrifices.

So we don't know what Caprice experienced. We might look back and wonder what the heck did we do and why. But they come like this dream just made for us, and we lose ourselves in them.

[Huh?]

Yes, it might be a little shocking to read at first, but before we judge... .lets think about our own BPDs. and what can they do to a relationship. I left my faith and barely had a normal relationship with my family for nearly 4 yrs... .a family who have loved me unconditionally and given me everything at great personal sacrifices.

So we don't know what Caprice experienced. We might look back and wonder what the heck did we do and why. But they come like this dream just made for us, and we lose ourselves in them.

I get the "illusion".  Im not judging, but I am wondering how when typical the typical BPD behavior cliche is to "throw away an old boring toy for something new and exciting"... .how is this not any different?

[elessar]

hmm, my bad then. i apologize. i guess only Caprice or others who have gone through this can answer that.

[charred]

Isn't it amazing how can they make us leave everything? Last year on these boards I read a post from a man whose BPD significant other in his 20s came to his life about 25 years later, and he left his wife to be with this ex... .for her to leave him again.

Not sure if I am that guy or not... but certainly similar... dumped in 20's... ended up divorcing to be back with her about 5 yrs ago... I ended it about 3 yrs ago. But... did learn some stuff.

The BPD r/s is not a normal BF/GF one... it is a primary r/s. The pwBPD ignores your boundaries,idealizing you at first... it can be intoxicating... you notice  , but want to ignore them. Next thing you know, you are idealizing the pwBPD just as they did you. You find yourself putting them on a pedestal, and wanting to talk or spend every minute you can with them ... just as they may be with you (isolating you). The love bombing seems like unconditional love. Unconditional love is NOT normal in a BF/GF r/s... it is normal in a parent-infant r/s. You don't consciously relate to them as a pseudo-parent... but that is what happens. So long as they are idealizing you it is wonderful. However when the BPD kicks in and they get clingy... you are miffed... as the last thing you would want to do is leave them or breakup... then when they go full on hater... you take it, rationalize it away, blame yourself... exactly as a kid would do.

I had 6-7 recycles with my exBPDgf... and each was worse than the one before. Had thought that my life's course was devastated from losing her 30 yrs back... and that everything would be different (better really)... if I just had her back. Then ... after decades she was back... and on hearing her voice 100% of the feelings were back... and that ultimately is how I know it is like a primary r/s not a normal one... thats not how normal relationships work... time changes things... but with a parent it doesn't.

Anyway, the r/s brings back the feelings from your FOO... you FEEL strongly again, both good and bad and feel alive. Colors are brighter, you have intense emotions you have repressed for years... and you are torn between the intense good and the toxic bad in the r/s. When you leave or worse yet get dumped... it is devastating, far worse than a normal breakup... more like the death of a parent... .or even the death of an ideal parent, one you valued more than the real ones... but the pwBPD isn't dead... in fact they may show up hanging on a neighbor (like mine did... making me so suicidal/homicidal... I felt I had to move 1500 miles away to keep my sanity... leaving family,friends, hometown... 27 or so years back.)

First go round, sure had no clue what was going on... but as a guy around 50... was much more analytic and caught on eventually. The r/s is an illusion, it is need driven by both people... and usually both the pwBPD and the other one... are hurt and do things that are stupid/juvenile. Lots of pain all around. The pwBPD isn't going to get cured... is unlikely to admit to any problem, and if they were they wouldn't be the person you fell for, as that person doesn't exist... it was a fine job of mirroring and flattering you with your own self reflection that hooked you.

[Blimblam]

charred,

excellent analysis! so true.  It is true that I found unconditional love with my my ex.  I felt it stronger than I ever had before in my memory. Like i found the missing piece. I realized though that the unconditional love was from within me. So, now I am digging within to find this missing piece. 

One thing I noticed about my ex is their is this certain smile she gives to inspire this feeling initially which i call the love at first sight look. I though i was special when she gave it to me.  Then later when she was devaluing me i saw her giving it to other people in my presence which really boiled my blood.  It was just a pattern. a pattern she had to learn so mommy would stay. So daddy would come back.

[gtrhr]

I get the "illusion".  Im not judging, but I am wondering how when typical the typical BPD behavior cliche is to "throw away an old boring toy for something new and exciting"... .how is this not any different?

Mr. Huh, It's a fair question.

And caprice I know exactly what you're going through.  I eventually left my marriage to deal with my feelings for the pwBPD which started as an affair.

1.  You can have a failing or dead marriage and not have BPD.  In a marriage with two nons, it can take years to decline, and if certain problems develop in the marriage and are not dealt with it can be a killer!

2.  You can have an affair and not have BPD.  You can even be going against your own morality because the "love" you feel for the person seems real beyond belief.

3.  The pwBPD may awaken feelings you haven't felt in ages, or never at all in your entire life.

4.  When reality hits you end up managing the situation.  It doesn't make you a pwBPD, but to your spouse you are being pretty f<bleep>ing s<bleep>ty.

5.  It is a no win situation for everyone involved.

If at some point you figure out the person has BPD do you

a) leave your marriage and potentially wreck the real future you swore to in your marriage vows

b) pursue this "blissful" situation that has tons of red flags.  My pwBPD swore it was just the affair that was causing us problems.  WRONG!

In the marriage it can be tough but really you need to remember the stable, reliable person you fell in love with.  caprice if he's a good father that means everything.  Your affair with the pwBPD is like a drug!  And heroin is not good for you!

During the affair I used to tell myself I "settled for less" in my marriage.  Looking back I realize I actually settled for the person who was ALWAYS there for me when I wanted to talk and was actually my best friend.  At one time we had passion, spark and energy!  We could talk about anything.  We supported each other about some major life events that caused us a lot of pain.  It's taken me a lot of time to wake up and realize all of that.  We were truly family.

In a marriage, you may be not getting your needs met; not wanting to have kids because you may not agree on some fundamental things.  You may grow apart in the marriage.  You may have a spouse that isn't interested in communication, problem solving, and lets things fester.  Even in my marriage I begged my spouse to go to counseling with me and was refused.

I can say I fell out of love and it didn't happen overnight, and any bad treatment I had from my wife now (after time and experience with apw BPD!) pales in comparison to what I experienced later with the pwBPD!

My advice, never have an affair.  You have options with your spouse if you're in a situation and need help:

If you're religious consult with clergy.

Book a couples counselor and hope that she goes, even if she says she refuses.

If she doesn't go then go for yourself and figure some things out.

If after giving a really honest effort and if things really aren't working out and you need to, hire a lawyer and draft a separation agreement.

If she refuses to call your bluff, take the next step and legally separate.

Still request counseling.

An affair, especially with a pwBPD complicates things immensely and makes it really tough to go back to a marriage due to the intensity of the relationship.  But just realize, I spent two years pining over a pwBPD before getting my separation only to have things with her quickly go to hell.  :)uring that time

keeping the marriage, but having the affair, even nons like caprice and I could appear to be BPD-by-proxy.  I know I let my partners volatile mood swings affect me a lot and it greatly impacted my ability to make a final decision to separate or not.  Finally I did so in spite of all the red flags.  And things went to hell quickly.

caprice, I really caution you especially based on this persons history to consider what you're doing.  In the first year I think i could have walked away a lot easier.  After 3 years post-separation it's really worn me out and I still find myself saying... .maybe I can give this one more try.

[caprice]

Thanks everyone for your responses.  I'm going to reply specifically to Huh? because I feel the need to clarify myself. 

I knew before posting on here that some of you would judge me.  I am really very fortunate.  I've been with the same man 15 years.  We have three healthy kids.  Things are supposed to be picture perfect right?

I don't blame Huh? for judging me because two years ago I probably would've done the same.  Two years ago affairs happened to "OTHER PEOPLE". Two years ago I THOUGHT I had a good marriage.

I am Not a victim.  I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and I trusted the wrong man.  For whatever reason, I allowed myself to get closer to him because I didn't see the danger in it.  (Again, never in a million years thought I would have an affair!  I always thought if you were unhappy get help or get out!  I come from a "normal" relationship - my parents have been married 40 years.)

But I was also a stay at home mom with three young kids and the boredom and depression of spending my days doing laundry, dishes and wiping dirty bottoms was getting to me.  Add to that a stressed out hubby who often "checked out" when he came home from work.  He is a great father, but three young kids does not leave a lot of time for us.

I was vulnerable to an affair.  I didn't see it then but I see it now.  This man literally swept me off my feet.  Made me feel powerful. He was so impressed that I would give up my career to raise my kids.  I was attention starved and romance starved.  In my case, I would probably classify him as NPD.  I never went through the devaluation and discard phase.  Once we got involved, I found out it was not the first time he'd cheated... .nor was it his first marriage.  Needless to say there was enough  , I got out before I left my husband for this man who would probably move on once he got bored with me.  Even though I was hopelessly addicted to him, I knew one day I would wake up and think "What the heck have I done?"

But my question is how do you get over this man?  How do you have a real relationship with someone normal?  I am very worried things will start up again if I run into him.  Our kids go to the same school.  I had to move across town to get away from him.  Summer break has actually been a good thing for NC but I still think about him constantly.

So Huh?  have you tried a normal relationship with a healthy happy individual?  Have you tried to give up the intense highs and emotions and been with someone who is stable and predictable and well frankly sometimes a little boring?  It is very very hard.  In my case my hubby has stood by while I've been grieving and angry and sad and yeah a little unpredictable emotionally.  This affair partner never did a full out rage at me.  He always said the door is always open whenever I needed/wanted him.  It's a little hard to move on knowing I could go back.  I could get my fix.  We had some unstability but the guy is also a sex addict and I was addicted to him and his attention.  How do you get over being on a pedestal?  The emotional highs, the intense over the top connection?

So yeah I am a lucky one.  Hubby is still sticking around.  But this affair almost killed my love for him.  It's hard to rekindle our earlier days when things were light and carefree.  And since most of you probably didnt' see my original post... .my hubby and I met in college and a month later his brother was diagnosed with cancer.  He died 7 months later.  So hubby and I never went through a honeymoon phase.  I don't have those happy early memories to draw on - before kids, before responsibilities.  His brother died.  I was his rock, his support during that time.  Three years later we got married.  I always wondered if he was the "one"?  I don't ever remember a time when I was head over heels in love with him.  We've always had good communication and sex was good... .but I was probably ripe for being "in love".  Head over heels in love.  I thought this NPD might be it but I quickly woke up when I realized he had a history of failed relationships.

Judge me if you like.  I know what I did was wrong.  And it sucks that I'm still obsessing on it.  But the sex was really freaking good.  And now I'm back to laundry and dishes and dirty diapers.  A little wiser but still longing... .

 

[Mr Hollande]

Caprice, I have no right to judge or advice you on anything but I'll take the liberty to say this. I am someone who've enjoyed a few liaisons in my life and I can look back at every one of them and say they were a result of not being happy in the relationship I was in at the time. Something to at least consider.

[kc sunshine]

Hey Caprice,

Thanks for your post, it's so helpful and honest. When things went bad with him (your exwBPD or NPD), what happened?

[caprice]

Mr Hollande... .that is what I'm afraid of.  That I'm not going to be able to rekindle the love I felt for my husband.  It's funny how the resentment builds up over the years and the little things that go wrong become huge issues in the long run.    We're seeing a therapist to help resolve some of our issues but I still don't know if that will be enough.  The best part about therapy is that usually afterwards we go out for a run or a drink or something.  Doing something fun together is more effective then picking apart our marriage.

kc sunshine... .it took me a LONG LONG time to extricate myself from him.  I tried to break it off in the fall... .that lasedt less then a week.  A few weeks later I finally broke down and told my hubby.  I spent a few days living at a friends' house before coming home - (did I mention we were neighbours?)  We ignored each other for a few weeks.  I fell into bed with him again a month later.  Then proceeded to freak out and stopped calling him.  It seemed like every 4-6 weeks one of us would cave and contact the other.  Fell almost into bed with him a couple times during the winter.  AFter we moved, I called him once and my hubby found out.  That was the last contact... .back in April. I still saw him at school on occasion but haven't seen him since June.  Once every couple of weeks I check his twitter feed.  Every once in awhile there is something directed at me.  He had posted on the anniversary of our first kiss.

The summer break has helped.  But I still have a lot of good memories of him.  Lots of negative push/pull happened when I tried to do the "right" thing but he always said stuff like "I know we're both just doing what we have to do to save our families even though we really want to be together".  That's hard.  Feeling like we're both still pining for each other.  And it's also why I'm worried about Sept.

[Mr Hollande]

Mr Hollande... .that is what I'm afraid of.  That I'm not going to be able to rekindle the love I felt for my husband.  It's funny how the resentment builds up over the years and the little things that go wrong become huge issues in the long run.    We're seeing a therapist to help resolve some of our issues but I still don't know if that will be enough.  The best part about therapy is that usually afterwards we go out for a run or a drink or something.  :)oing something fun together is more effective then picking apart our marriage.

Maybe there is an unknown person ready to be discovered? Maybe.

The summer break has helped.  But I still have a lot of good memories of him.  Lots of negative push/pull happened when I tried to do the "right" thing but he always said stuff like "I know we're both just doing what we have to do to save our families even though we really want to be together".  That's hard.  Feeling like we're both still pining for each other.  And it's also why I'm worried about Sept.

Sometimes to realise the full extent of the illusion we need to be burned properly. My circumstances were different than yours but I certainly hung on long enough to benefit from the experience of being burned by the illness. It still hurts. It will for a long time.

[caprice]

Mr Hollande.

What's that saying?  "Find the one person whose faults you are willing to live with."   

I'm a believer that anything is possible.  Anything at all.  I've always landed on my feet.  My hubby is more of a pessimist.  So much of what we've done and achieved has been because of me pushing him.  Now I wonder if I want someone who can be more of an equal partner.   I wish I could "love bomb" him.  It's amazing how much you can achieve when someone values and appreciates you.  That's the one thing I learned from the ex.  Even though it wasn't real... .its amazing what a difference a little appreciation can make to your life.

[AlonelyOne]

My intellect has a gun to my head forcing me to walk the divorce plank while my heart is clinging to the side of this sinking ship.  It's brutally heartwrenching!

((HUGS))

Sometimes it is so hard just to realize it is all gone. 

[Conundrum]

I can relate to that particular fear. It's the fear of not feeling alive. Dead. But I think there is an underlying truth. Which is, if you've stayed with your husband all these years--he is yours and you are his. Via the process of caring a life is built.

But when caring negates intensity, sensation and passion the disconnect and comparisons set in, though those comparisons are inherently unfair.

When Cassandra-like notions of failure adhere (concerning physical pleasure), the more dissatisfied party (assuming giving up isn't the immediate preferable choice) has to lead the way in a clinical non-shaming precise manner. When I hear complaints like this from a woman, I always wonder if she's complaining that there isn't any passion, or she isn't coming?  I think expecting the former (as in a burning intensity) in a long term marriage is unrealistic. Instead, a feeling of comfortable intimacy should exist. Still, I don't think feeling comfortable with a partner should negate the ability to come with them (absent some terrible physically debilitating ailment) on a regular basis.

When both partners are routinely satisfying each other physically, that goes a long way towards a general feeling of harmony and balance . Obviously, I don't know you--but if you aren't regularly getting off with your spouse, then kick it with him in a way that ensures it's happening. Who wants to go through life depriving oneself of that with their partner. If that isn't the case and you just want a great deal of intensity and passion, well that's a choice or preference that I'll opt out commenting on.        

[Mr Hollande]

Mr Hollande.

What's that saying?  "Find the one person whose faults you are willing to live with."    

I'm a believer that anything is possible.  Anything at all.  I've always landed on my feet.  My hubby is more of a pessimist.  So much of what we've done and achieved has been because of me pushing him.  Now I wonder if I want someone who can be more of an equal partner.   I wish I could "love bomb" him.  It's amazing how much you can achieve when someone values and appreciates you. That's the one thing I learned from the ex.  Even though it wasn't real... .its amazing what a difference a little appreciation can make to your life.

That sounds awful but isn't that part of staying together? The brilliant Milan Kundera said: “There is no perfection only life”

I used to believe anything was possible until that day in May when she told me she was with my replacement and because she loved him she didn't care how I felt. Thus ended our 5 years together. Till that very moment I really had believed we would work everything out. That anything was possible. I guess one casualty of our abrupt end was my belief in the possibility of almost anything.

The highlighted part of your quote I agree with 100%.

[Blimblam]

conundrum,

it does depend on proximity though and expectations. The sex can be great but if they feel that thing they don't understand and you want them to feel it too it becomes a downward spiral of despair. I think it depends how rooted one is in the material world and its rules.

[gtrhr]

Caprice,

I really think you and you husband owe it to each other to be honest and open to each other about how you're feeling and what you want. You marriage vows still mean something after all and you are still together.  It may be "for worse" right now but if he knows how you're feeling he might step up and maybe it will make a difference.  And even if you decide you don't want the marriage then it really is better to decide that outside of an affair.

[Huh?]

So Huh?  have you tried a normal relationship with a healthy happy individual?  Have you tried to give up the intense highs and emotions and been with someone who is stable and predictable and well frankly sometimes a little boring?  It is very very hard.  In my case my hubby has stood by while I've been grieving and angry and sad and yeah a little unpredictable emotionally.  This affair partner never did a full out rage at me.  He always said the door is always open whenever I needed/wanted him.  It's a little hard to move on knowing I could go back.  I could get my fix.  We had some unstability but the guy is also a sex addict and I was addicted to him and his attention.  How do you get over being on a pedestal?  The emotional highs, the intense over the top connection?

 

No, but Ive never cheated on anyone before.  Nor will I ever, EVER.  But thats just me.  My father stayed loyal to my mother throughout their 37 year marriage, til the day he died.  In my opinion, that is one of the greatest gifts a man can give to his wife, and I will emulate that.  

Im not trying to act like Im "holier than thou" here... .Im just saying I personally wont get married if I couldnt be loyal, especially during the "boring" and "predictable" times.  All relationships have that... .even with pwBPD, and that is one of the reasons they seek pleasure elsewhere.  

Honestly, this is the weirdest post Ive ever had to make on this website.  Rationalizing being faithful in marriage on a website where 99% of the people on here are complaining about being cheated on.  Anyways, Im sorry you feel bad you had an affair and it didnt work out, I guess? 

[Hope0807]

Ross Rosenberg has some incredible Youtube stuff on BPD and magnetic relationships.  He fully explains the allure of the intensity, sex, and charisma of the BPD that draws each and every one of us in at the beginning of the relationship.  Also, he thoroughly details the draw between codependent people and BPD people.  Although a BPD doesn't ALWAYS draw a codependent into their web, those two personality types quite frequently team up for this disastrous dance. 

I encourage all on this thread to check out at least his videos on codependence and BPD relationships.  Very eye opening.  Looking forward to your thoughts, bpdfamily

[gtrhr]

No, but Ive never cheated on anyone before.  Nor will I ever, EVER.  But thats just me.  My father stayed loyal to my mother throughout their 37 year marriage, til the day he died.  In my opinion, that is one of the greatest gifts a man can give to his wife, and I will emulate that.  

Im not trying to act like Im "holier than thou" here... .Im just saying I personally wont get married if I couldnt be loyal, especially during the "boring" and "predictable" times.  All relationships have that... .even with pwBPD, and that is one of the reasons they seek pleasure elsewhere.  

Honestly, this is the weirdest post Ive ever had to make on this website.  Rationalizing being faithful in marriage on a website where 99% of the people on here are complaining about being cheated on.  Anyways, Im sorry you feel bad you had an affair and it didnt work out, I guess?

There are people who would cheat once, and then do it again and again and never care about what anyone else feels.  They don't care how many trainwrecks they leave in their path, and do it selfishly and without conscious.  My presumption about cheating before I found myself in the middle of an affair is this is how all cheaters behaved.

Don't be so quick to assume that's what it's like.

If your wife is not communicating with you, isn't keeping her end of the marriage, and this persists for years, and yet you're "loyal" and sticking beside her because, you know, it's also wrong to get a divorce and not try - what is going to happen?  Are you going to run out and cheat.  No.  But after years of this persists what can happen is that you become like a dried out sponge.

And the water could come along unexpectedly - that beautiful person (who may happen to be BPD, or maybe not) is all of a sudden paying a lot of attention to you even on a friendship level at work, may wake something up you haven't felt in ages.

That's how I found myself inexplicably in love before I ever had the affair.  It wasn't wrong to fall in love.  The feelings came on their own.  It was wrong to act on it without demanding some change in my relationship.  Like I said, once I did insist on couples counseling, but was rebuffed.  Still I should have tried harder.  But I was young and dumb and thought I'd be called controlling if I did that, and the idea of divorce or separation at the time seemed totally shameful.

And the rest as they say is history.  I might have made exactly the same statement you made above years earlier.  Live and learn as they say.

No one is defending cheating or infidelity.  It's wrong.  And there are other options.  No one talks about this or tells you what to do when you get married, and how you're going to feel 8 years in when things aren't going the right direction.

Once you've made the mistake and gone down the rabbit hole, and you're emotionally locked in this dance with the pwBPD you're going to have some really tough time unraveling it all and going back to your marriage.  The focus is not on the infidelity, but on how you as the non (with their own issues of co-dependence or whatever) can get better so you can one day in the future have a relationship with ANYONE.  Obviously it's better if that person can be your spouse that you separated from or cheated on if they are able to work with you on that.

[Popcorn71]

I used to believe anything was possible until that day in May when she told me she was with my replacement and because she loved him she didn't care how I felt. Thus ended our 5 years together. Till that very moment I really had believed we would work everything out. That anything was possible. I guess one casualty of our abrupt end was my belief in the possibility of almost anything.

I used to believe that too.  I've now lost the belief that it is possible to be in a relationship where you both love each other 100% and can work through anything.  I doubt I will ever fully trust anyone again.