What seems to be working for me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was with my first udBPD woman for twenty years.  We met when we were both in the Air Force overseas.  Long story short, I am confident she targeted me, seduced me and we ended up with a child.  It started out the same as all the exciting stories you read about with BPD relationships, but it was not long before my life of hell began.  The lovelessness, blame, criticism and most of all the blame.  I allowed myself to feel shame and guilt the dozens of times she threatened suicide.  We did have another child a year and a half after our first.  She left the military before he was born.  I spent most of my time deployed, being away about 7 months of the year.  She soon had an obsession with online chat rooms.  I eventually discovered that this soon became cybersex with various men around the country. She and one of her obsessions even started their own private chat room and spent hours every day. When the kids were tweens and teens, she was a teacher's aid at an elementary school.  On day I was messaged on Facebook by a woman I had never met who told me that she needed to talk to me about my wife in confidence.  Her young daughter had been in my wife's kindergarten class, and she told me that my wife had been carrying on a sexual affair with her husband for about the past two years.  She had tried repeatedly to get them to stop but was unable.  She had to let me know. 

When I confronted my wife, she denied it, saying they were  just friends.  Anyway, another long story short, it was true and I found irrefutable evidence of it myself.  I convinced her to go to counseling, but that failed.  I kept finding out their sneaky and deceitful ways they were continuing their disgustingness.  I found email/test message exchange between them when she was at our son's doubleheader baseball came and trying to arrange with him a rendezvous at a hotel in town during the game. I also found explicit emails between her and her cybersex pals.  One even shared a couple hardcore xxx video clips in a group email, challenging everyone to come up with one that would top it.  My wife saved it.  I also found a pornographic clip on the computer involing bestiality.  One evening when I was deployed, my daughter came home with her best friend to find my wife and her boyfriend together drunk in our hot tub.  They waved to the girls and she introduced him to them.  Of course she lied about the circumstances and the girls believed it. I planned a drive to go visit my family, who lived in the neighboring state but about 12 hours away.  My wife was going to go, but at the last minuted informed me that she was going to have to stay home.  She had a part time job working at home, and claimed she couldn't find someone to cover for her. I took the children and we had a wonderful time. We hadn't seen my family for many years.  While away, I had a strong suspicion that something was going on at home. A day or so after we returned, I felt prompted to contact the by then former wife of her boyfriend.  Their marriage failed miserably due to the affair.  She informed me that she was able to trace his location by means of his cell phone.  As it turned out, she told me she knew I was gone with the children because he was staying at my house.  She tried but was unable to get them to stop.  I tried but was unable to get them to stop. 

By the time the children were nearly grown, I had been to counseling and did much studying on my own about the disorder and learned to stop accepting the blame. I had moved out and rented a room from an elderly man across town to get myself away from the situation.  There was so much fighting, and threats and acts mimicking suicide attempts.  She threatened me with weapons, and beat on me sometimes.  I must admit, that those times she was beating me, I welcomed the pain.  Physical pain is so much easier to bear, and distracts me from the more devastating emotional pain.  My children were suffering.  I was suffering.  I had to get away. 

I got an assignment in the Air Force to another state.  In the meantime, our divorce was finalized, I moved her and the children into another house.  When I moved, my oldest daughter moved with me. She was nearly 20.  My son stayed with her and started college.  I moved to another state and hoped for a new start.  My daughter hoped for a new start also.  It started out wonderfully, but it didn't last long.  I reconnected with a beautiful woman I had known at one of my previous assignments.  We were soul mates.  Destined to be together and live happily ever after.  That was over a year ago.   

[rockinne]

I was with my first udBPD woman for twenty years.  We met when we were both in the Air Force overseas.  Long story short, I am confident she targeted me, seduced me and we ended up with a child.  It started out the same as all the exciting stories you read about with BPD relationships, but it was not long before my life of hell began.  The lovelessness, blame, criticism and most of all the blame.  I allowed myself to feel shame and guilt the dozens of times she threatened suicide.  We did have another child a year and a half after our first.  She left the military before he was born.  I spent most of my time deployed, being away about 7 months of the year.  She soon had an obsession with online chat rooms.  I eventually discovered that this soon became cybersex with various men around the country. She and one of her obsessions even started their own private chat room and spent hours every day. When the kids were tweens and teens, she was a teacher's aid at an elementary school.  On day I was messaged on Facebook by a woman I had never met who told me that she needed to talk to me about my wife in confidence.  Her young daughter had been in my wife's kindergarten class, and she told me that my wife had been carrying on a sexual affair with her husband for about the past two years.  She had tried repeatedly to get them to stop but was unable.  She had to let me know. 

When I confronted my wife, she denied it, saying they were  just friends.  Anyway, another long story short, it was true and I found irrefutable evidence of it myself.  I convinced her to go to counseling, but that failed.  I kept finding out their sneaky and deceitful ways they were continuing their disgustingness.  I found email/test message exchange between them when she was at our son's doubleheader baseball came and trying to arrange with him a rendezvous at a hotel in town during the game. I also found explicit emails between her and her cybersex pals.  One even shared a couple hardcore xxx video clips in a group email, challenging everyone to come up with one that would top it.  My wife saved it.  I also found a pornographic clip on the computer involing bestiality.  One evening when I was deployed, my daughter came home with her best friend to find my wife and her boyfriend together drunk in our hot tub.  They waved to the girls and she introduced him to them.  Of course she lied about the circumstances and the girls believed it. I planned a drive to go visit my family, who lived in the neighboring state but about 12 hours away.  My wife was going to go, but at the last minuted informed me that she was going to have to stay home.  She had a part time job working at home, and claimed she couldn't find someone to cover for her. I took the children and we had a wonderful time. We hadn't seen my family for many years.  While away, I had a strong suspicion that something was going on at home. A day or so after we returned, I felt prompted to contact the by then former wife of her boyfriend.  Their marriage failed miserably due to the affair.  She informed me that she was able to trace his location by means of his cell phone.  As it turned out, she told me she knew I was gone with the children because he was staying at my house.  She tried but was unable to get them to stop.  I tried but was unable to get them to stop. 

By the time the children were nearly grown, I had been to counseling and did much studying on my own about the disorder and learned to stop accepting the blame. I had moved out and rented a room from an elderly man across town to get myself away from the situation.  There was so much fighting, and threats and acts mimicking suicide attempts.  She threatened me with weapons, and beat on me sometimes.  I must admit, that those times she was beating me, I welcomed the pain.  Physical pain is so much easier to bear, and distracts me from the more devastating emotional pain.  My children were suffering.  I was suffering.  I had to get away. 

I got an assignment in the Air Force to another state.  In the meantime, our divorce was finalized, I moved her and the children into another house.  When I moved, my oldest daughter moved with me. She was nearly 20.  My son stayed with her and started college.  I moved to another state and hoped for a new start.  My daughter hoped for a new start also.  It started out wonderfully, but it didn't last long.  I reconnected with a beautiful woman I had known at one of my previous assignments.  We were soul mates.  Destined to be together and live happily ever after.  That was over a year ago.   

[Pieter2]

I am so sorry to hear this. It is truly amazing what they can put people through. To cheat and still expect you to be there? Such a shame. I wish you the best of luck and would like to point out to you that there is nothing wrong with you and her actions don't say anything of you, rather it says something of HER character. Now that you're out, build yourself up again, go see a therapist because you've got years of damage to repair. But you'll be whole again don't worry. Like a '69 Mustang you just need some restoration.

[rockinne]

Thank you for the encouragement. I actually ended up writing much more about my first relationship when my original intent was to share more about my most recent.  That too has been devastating, but I have found many resources that have been helping me understand the relationship and what was actually going on and why.  More importantly, I have learned even more about myself.  I am gaining more understanding of the things that have shaped me since my childhood, through adolescence and youth, and continued into my adulthood.  I have seen much personal growth over the past many months.  That personal understanding and acceptance has helped me more than anything else.  Has made it easier for me to realize that the toxic relationships I kept finding myself returning and recycling were destroying my life.  I had surrendered my own personal identity and self respect to the needs and manipulations of those with whom I was in a relationship.  When I am tempted to think about the good things about her, and fantasize about how I am the one who can change her life and make her happy, I realize that it is only that.  An unrealistic fantasy in my mind that can never come to be. I will share those things that have helped me in future posts after I get my thoughts together.  I guess this first post was just ended up being a means for me to vent about my first failed relationship and marriage.  Unfortunately, I didn't learn from it the first time and ended up in another toxic relationship that nearly destroyed me.  I am doing far better now.  I feel at peace about my life now.  I am confident about my future.  And my life now and in the future will never allow for such a destructive relationship again.   

[Pieter2]

Rockinne - Rock on! Yes buddy, it happens like that. And it's good that you learn. So do I and I agree with you. We will not be in such relationships again. Ever. Just imagine the awesome life that you have ahead of you... .

[Loveofhislife]

Thank you so much for your honesty, and we look forward to hearing more. Part of my anger and upset has been at myself: getting out of a 7 year relationship with NPD only to find myself with a pwBPD. There's a really good thread on this board about red flags and when did we see them... .it is amazing how many of our stories are so similar. One commonality I've found is that we all were vulnerable, and I swear like other predators, I believe they pick up on that. It is still horrifying to me that I went from bad to worse, but I am optimistic that I have learned, and this board has helped A LOT. Please keep posting.

[camuse]

They definitely pick up on vulnerability. They are instinctive predators. Like emotional rapists. Mine saw my weaknesses, then learned the rest, then turned them against me. Early on picked her up on it, saying it wasn't very nice to do that. A healthy person would have got rid there and then and saved a lot of grief. I just complained about it. A disaster of my own making.

[rockinne]

My most recent BPD relationship was with someone I had met at a past assignment.  She was married to a dude who had serious issues himself.  She was the provider her entire marriage and he refused to work.  They had one small child when I met her.  She got pregnant again and was excited about another baby.  One day at work, things went wrong with her pregnancy and needed to go to the hospital. I took her there and called her husband.  He refused to come to the hospital.  I stayed for her, though I was unable to go back with her to be seen. Eventually she came out and told me she had lost her baby.  A miscarriage.  I held her and comforted her.  One thing that I failed to mention about my previous wife, was that a few years before this incident, my wife was pregnant when our daughter was still a baby, and she ended up losing the baby.  When I tried to hold and comfort my wife after going through this ordeal, she pushed me away and told me she didn't want me to touch her. That was quite painful at the time, and I felt ashamed for not even being good enough to be able to comfort her.  This memory came back to me as I embraced my then good friend at the hospital. We called her husband again,but still he refused to come to the hospital to care for his wife.  Nothing ever happened between this woman and me other than we were very good friends, each going through miserable marriages, but each keeping our emotions to ourselves.  Eventually we each got assignments to different locations. About 9 years past without us contacting each other.  In the meantime, she finally divorced her husband after 21 years together.  As I explained in my earlier post, I divorced my BPD after 20 years.  That was when I got an assignment to a base where she happened to be stationed.  Before my move, I received a mass email from someone at a higher headquarters addressed to several people in the Air Force.  I saw her name was among the addressees along with me.  I sent her an email to verify it was the same person, and she responded that it was.  That day, without my knowing it, was the day after my divorce was finalized, and was also the after she had just terminated a 2 year relationship with a dude she claimed was a narcissist.  The stars had aligned, and God had brought us together.  I moved and reunited with her in a major way. Things went way to fast, and the fairy tale romance soon became my nightmare.  The controlling, shaming, manipulation, jealousy, accusations, and most of all blame eventually became almost constant. I was in counseling from the time I arrived there as follow up to counseling I had been doing at my last base.  I was hopelessly codependent.  I recognized her BPD and even convinced her that that was her issue.  She was in counseling and eventually on meds.  The wrong kind though, and that made it worse.  The final day was when we went out and was drinking, though I pled for her not to.  The drama and manipulation eventually started until I could take no more.  On our way home she threatened suicide repeatedly and kept opening the truck door as I was driving and threatened to jump out.  I somehow got her home and could take no more.  What trauma. 

I had spent much time studying and learning about mental disorders and relationships and treatment, along with just self help type materials.  I have the inattentive form of ADD, so reading is not easy for me. I get several pages into a book before I realize that my mind was not focusing and I didn't recall a thing that I had just been reading.  I do fine with articles that a relatively brief, but books are a struggle.  I recently began buying audible books, and have been listening to them for most of my time at home. I find I can listen to a book while I am doing other things, and that works out quite well.  In fact, I have been listening to these books and relistening to them to get information that I had missed the time previously.  Many of them were about ADHD, but as I listened to them, I realized that a big reason for my codependency may have traced back to my own disorder.  It was very enlightening. 

I found an online article on one of the websites about BPD that have been reading from over the years that really hit home. I don't know if I am able to share other websites, but since it really helped me, I would like to share it.  The article was titled ":)O YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?".  It helped me understand so much about myself and caused me to reflect all the way back to my young childhood and through my adolescence and youth and into adulthood.  As I remembered things that happened in my life, and my relationships within my family and social circles, it really hit home.  I realized how it is that I had become so codependent, as I was. 

Some of the books that I listened to were LIVING AND LOVING AFTER BETRAYAL, HEALING YOUR EMOTIONAL SELF, THE INTROVERT ADVANTAGE, IN SHEEPS CLOTHING: UNDERSTANDING AND DEALING WITH MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE, TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS:Recognize a Toxic Relationship and Learn How to Fix It or Forget It.

Keeping my body and my mind busy has helped me tremendously.  I am living alone with my 4 dogs now, my daughter has moved out on her own now.  And when those old familiar feelings of how I am the only one who understands and is able to help my BPDx, I just turn up my mp3 player and listen to the book that is currently playing.  It seems to work for me, but I know I am not in the same circumstances as others probably are in.  I just wanted to share this and maybe it might help one other person, I don't know.  If it does great.  If not, at least I got to express these things to others who have also been suffering.  I pray for everyone's healing and happiness, including my own.  And I also continue to pray for my xBPD. I still hope for her to find the love she has never known and the happiness she has never felt.  I just know, it can't be with me.