Valued comments from member 2010

[Caredverymuch]

Spending time on this site provides tremendous support and member 2010 provides the kind of depth and breadth of insightful support that speaks volumes to me.

I have been reading back through 2010's posts and encourage you to do the same. You will learn a great deal. I was driving along today wondering why I continue to carry so much thought for someone whom I know is fully disordered, is not getting better, who devalued me harshly, and then erased me. Literally. He is gone.

This defies logic really to still allow this or any such person mental space.  I understand the d/o, I understand grief, I value support groups and utilize therapeutic tools. I am fully NC and I fully ignore the baitings. I want to move on.

So why am I still stuck in those quiet moments? Why do my thoughts go to him? Still. This is where I am in my journey to full detachment. And I am want full detachment. I want nothing more so.

These comments from 2010's earlier posts really spoke to me today and exactly what I needed to read.  Thank you 2010. Whomever you are, you really need to write a book. Soon. I hope you don't mind that I share without correctly hyperlinking. And I will leave those reading with this.

Finding out I was not truly special to my pBPD has been the devastating hold that keeps me gripped to the fantasy.

"In the beginning it felt almost holy- like I had finally come alive and found someone shared the Earth who understood me. But then I realized that this was only mirroring, and a ritualized, systematic, fraudulent manipulation. If I hadn't felt so welcome in my own personality, I dont think I would have had the opportunity to understand myself; to see myself as well as I did. To me, the mirroring was a great unlocking. The mystery of who I am, and what I stood for- became so apparent.  When the devaluation began and the hating and the unwarranted smear campaign and blame- it nearly killed me. But I came through it and now understand that it was necessary. It was painful, but very necessary.

No, not broken down- but I needed a reality check. And I mean that I truly was wandering, wondering about life. Looking outside of myself and feeling fortunate in finding this person (persona) that seemed to think more highly of me than I allowed myself to think- sort of like a loving parent that idolizes. That adoration is like a drug. And when it goes away, you really feel depleted and dead and the only thing you think will bring *you* back is this person who seems to be cruelly withholding.  Not only do you go through the pain of losing someone you cared about- but you lose this high opinion of yourself too, because it was so skillfully reflected in their eyes. They're really great actors you know- and the painful process of healing reveals our own narcissism. That realization was traumatic for me. Now I know that I am the only holder of my self- esteem. It sounds like a bunch of therapy talk, but it really is the lesson that I had to learn.

BPD'rs have a gift for doing this over and over again to many people. Finding out that I wasn't really special was devastating. Now that I have come to terms with it- I feel better. perhaps the best I've ever felt in my entire life- and that's because these feelings go all the way back to childhood.  The BPD'r unlocked my pain from childhood."

[elessar]

Quiet well written. They expose the narcissism of some of us, but some of us deal with codependency or low self-esteem and they make us feel whole and important because they allow us to take care of them. They make us feel that we have a purpose in life. It is their sudden disappearance by blaming it all on us is what brings everything crashing down. One moment we are their guardian angel, next moment they are in someone else's arms. In a normal relationship we have time to grieve, with them we cannot grieve normally because being suddenly replaced by a new person destroys the self-esteem that we had, or reopens our own wound of a low self-esteem.

Oh I am having a tough day today, thank you to everyone who have put up with my messages.

[Caredverymuch]

Quiet well written. They expose the narcissism of some of us, but some of us deal with codependency or low self-esteem and they make us feel whole and important because they allow us to take care of them. They make us feel that we have a purpose in life. It is their sudden disappearance by blaming it all on us is what brings everything crashing down. One moment we are their guardian angel, next moment they are in someone else's arms. In a normal relationship we have time to grieve, with them we cannot grieve normally because being suddenly replaced by a new person destroys the self-esteem that we had, or reopens our own wound of a low self-esteem.

Oh I am having a tough day today, thank you to everyone who have put up with my messages.

Elessar, you are so insightful.  Of course this is the additional and stinging insult. I think, for me, if the BPD r/s had a sense of mutual closure, of open communication in that process, and a sense of mutual caring equal to that which we gave to them so fully in our caring... .it would hurt of course but be sensible to understand in going forward. But we know that is not going to happen and nothing is sensible in how it ends.

There is no time to understand or grieve. It is rapid, rapid cycling. Mentally debilitating in the trying to keep up.  As you so eloquently said, one minute we are indeed their guardian angel whom they not only adore and fully engage in so many endearing genuine ways, they "need" you and "love" you, and then... .we are then replaced overnight.  This would be emotionally difficult for anyone to understand. Add on the intensity of the BPD r/s and the core bonding. It's horrific to witness, to try to understand, to process, and to heal from.

I am sorry for your difficult day. We surely understand.

[elessar]

Thank you.

I knew her from 15, and when she left at 21 (8 years back), she gave me a closure. It was a few months late, but she met with me and did give me one. Sure, she didn't want to break up with me and had to listen to her parents, but I felt it was fair. Looking back, a few BPD traits were starting to make an appearance at that age. But the person I saw 4 years later was another human being. She looked liked my ex, but besides that nothing else was same. I grieved, I wasn't ready to date 4 yrs later, but I had a peace. Why did I let her come back into my life, and how did my "knight in shining armor" mentality never saw all those   she was waving at me as I was charging at her on my horse... .