What stage of the BPD relationship cycle were you in when the r/s broke up?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think we had moved from the idealization stage to the clinger stage, but weren't quite at the hater stage yet (but we are probably now there because of the break up).

Also, another related question: how did you know you had moved from one stage into another?

[kc sunshine]

I think we had moved from the idealization stage to the clinger stage, but weren't quite at the hater stage yet (but we are probably now there because of the break up).

Also, another related question: how did you know you had moved from one stage into another?

[KrisK7]

We went into full on hate when it fell apart recently. Hate to the point of living with someone else and not telling me while saying we had broken up long ago, though I was not aware. While living with that girl, sending me pictures of wedding dresses and saying she still wanted to marry me. Fulllll on hate.

I recognize the clinger stage in retrospect as when we moved in together and she started to throw massive tantrums and threaten to leave me if I was with any friends. She would take my phone and go through all my messages and demand to know who each person was she didn't recognize. Would get angry if I talked to my mother on the phone alot because "I knew that my mother hated her".

The hate stage happened when she left to live in NY for the summer. We went from clinging, going through a good period, even for a few weeks while she was in NY, then she just dropped off the map and started to be mean and distant. Even when I went to visit her, she was cruel and everything was about how broke she was and how she needed my help. Payed her rent like a shmuck and spoiled her to death. Came to find out that she had apparently stopped loving me as soon as she left to NY and told our roommate that she "couldn't stand me."

[Lion Fire]

I bailed for good after a mini recycle in the middle of a hater phase.

She was in such a state of disorder that I feared for my safety. She was paranoid, hysterical and sickeningly verbally abusive. I even informed the cops at one point.

That was enough for me to run for cover and stay there.

Damn! I've never experienced anyone in such an insane space in my life. She was like a wild animal trapped in a cupboard 

I still get the chills when I think about those few days. It was dreadful

[Boss302]

I was in the "I'd rather mate with the hole in a cinderblock" phase when I told my ex I was divorcing her. Not sure if that's an "official" stage... .

[Boss302]

I've never experienced anyone in such an insane space in my life. She was like a wild animal trapped in a cupboard 

I still get the chills when I think about those few days. It was dreadful

Yep, been there. I told my BPDx I wanted a divorce, and then over the next few days she 1) began hitting me with cordless phones, 2) basically tore my wedding ring off my finger and flushed it (I recovered it - that's worth $$$$, folks... .), 3) took our framed "ketubah" (Jewish wedding document) off the wall, threw it at me and shattered the glass in the frame, 4) tossed a 5 x 7 framed picture of my parents at me like a Frisbee, and 5) took a large mahogany jewelry box and threw at it me from the second floor balcony of the house, narrowly missing my head. Ironically, it almost took out her dog (who I always hated - now that would have been karmic).

But in true BPD fashion, she managed to project all this on to me - she accused me of being abusive, and throwing things.

At some point, she began screaming over the phone to anyone who would listen that this was all my fault, and wanted to kill herself (which she really didn't), which resulted in one of her brothers calling the cops to do a welfare check on her, and sure enough, off to the psych ward she went, in handcuffs (I'll call that fake suicide karma). She called me from there a few times to scream bloody murder at me, then called at about 3 am to have me come get her, which I refused to do.

[elessar]

depends which # break-up. we have had so many, i can't keep a count. but she never took me to the hater phase before breaking up. she either broke up in the idealization phase and painted me black in a second, or broke up in the clinger phase. the last break up last month... .well she doesn't consider any recycle since 2011 as a relationship, so she has only broken up with me once in 2006 and once in 2011 according to her. but the last one was in the idealization phase. in the afternoon she is in love and wants to get married, at night she has decided to marry another guy.

[MommaBear]

I was in the "I'd rather mate with the hole in a cinderblock" phase when I told my ex I was divorcing her. Not sure if that's an "official" stage... .

Bwahahahahaha! This is hilarious! 

He was in the devaluation stage (was stuck there for years) when I left and told him I wanted a divorce. He quickly shifted to clingy, obsessive, and downright nuts soon afterward.

I didn't buy it. I WANTED to believe he was better, but I knew he wasn't even close.

Shortly after he went berserk, I shifted into a similar "cinderblock" phase. I'd call it the "the thought of sharing one more second of my life with a clinically insane nutjob such as yourself makes me want to vomit" stage.

Then there was the "If I don't get laid the way I've been wanting to for the past decade, I'm going to go insane myself" phase.

I don't like to brag, but there was a very, VERY lucky man on the end of that decade long drought who wound up with a very, VERY wild woman on his hands. Poor guy didn't see it coming (no pun intended). 

[Boss302]

Then there was the "If I don't get laid the way I've been wanting to for the past decade, I'm going to go insane myself" phase.

I don't like to brag, but there was a very, VERY lucky man on the end of that decade long drought who wound up with a very, VERY wild woman on his hands. Poor guy didn't see it coming (no pun intended).  

Ah, you see, there IS life after the BPDx! Ditto for me, by the way... .and my SO was in the same boat as I was, so let's just say that four years later, it still works just fine between us.  

Meanwhile, BPDx can't keep a place of her own long enough to get a guy into her life, and when she does have a place, it's filthy, like one of those meth lab houses you see on "Cops" (not kidding about this). and for the last seven months, she's either been living with friends, or in a hotel. Here's how that reads to a 50-year-old guy: single mom, dad has custody of kids, can't keep a place of her own, lives out of a hotel... .well, it's been nice talking to you... .excuse me while I run the other way!

She always did say her greatest fear was ending up alone... .and she's making it happen. Part of me finds that sad, while the other part thinks it's karma.