Communication discussion...

[MaroonLiquid]

Here is a link to my original thread... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229475.0



Now, today, my wife began texting me about what to do about a vehicle she is trading in and she started talking about specifics bout a deal.  We have only been communicating by text (her decision), for the last several weeks and finally I told her these are things we needed to talk about over the phone.  She won't hear of it.  She said she doesn't agree and this cuts out misunderstandings.  I thought to myself, "no, this is so you can control things, don't have to hear my voice and confront the issues of what you have caused", but didn't go there.    In the past, I have always given in to not get caught up in a fight.  I'm done being a pushover and won't be as God is changing me and getting me stronger.  She needs to see that and see that I won't sit and dish out however she wants to treat me at the moment.  This is what I sent her with no response yet... .I probably ticked her off that I stood up for myself, but oh well... .

I truly respect and understand the fact that you don't agree.  We are individuals and that is going to happen.  I also understand that you are trying to hold boundaries, just as I am.  Boundaries we can both agree on is not arguing and resolving disagreements with respect and that is beneficial for the both of us without losing dignity or our own core values.  I am committed to that kind of communication between us.  Last thing We need is to have misunderstandings or arguments that we can't resolve or that blow up.  I am a person who enjoys the communication aspect of phone conversations.  You are like that too.  Or at least we have been like that together.  As it stands right now, we have no communication outside of this medium.  All this is doing is continuing the division between you and I.  We need to have conversations over the phone regarding issues about us, business issues, or about the kids.  :)one constructively, it will really benefit us and our children.  We each deserve healthy, honest communication and so do they.  This is a core value I am ascribing to going forward in my life.  How can we solve this together?

What do you guys think?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DreamFlyer99]

hi MaroonLiquid!

I went back to your original post, and it sounds like your r/s can be quite volatile, correct? I understand the desire to have "normal" communication via phone, since that is less taxing perhaps in trying to get out bigger information, but i'm wondering what you think the chances are of having a less-loaded-by-emotions conversation over the phone? Is that a realistic goal?

[MaroonLiquid]

I desire to make it a reality.  I'm making the changes necessary in my life to be a person who can have that kind of communication.  At some point, if her and I are going to work on our marriage (which is what she said she wanted when we first separated and I know its only been two weeks technically that we have been apart), this needs to happen.  Right now, she is controlling everything (when we contact, when we see each other, if I can or can't contact the kids that call me dad, etc) and I'm trying to set my expectation remind her gently that relationships are two way streets.  I'm done being controlled and coming out of the FOG and getting stronger.

[123Phoebe]

Here is a link to my original thread... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229475.0



Now, today, my wife began texting me about what to do about a vehicle she is trading in and she started talking about specifics bout a deal.  We have only been communicating by text (her decision), for the last several weeks and finally I told her these are things we needed to talk about over the phone.  She won't hear of it.  She said she doesn't agree and this cuts out misunderstandings.  I thought to myself, "no, this is so you can control things, don't have to hear my voice and confront the issues of what you have caused", but didn't go there.    In the past, I have always given in to not get caught up in a fight.  I'm done being a pushover and won't be as God is changing me and getting me stronger.  She needs to see that and see that I won't sit and dish out however she wants to treat me at the moment.  This is what I sent her with no response yet... .I probably ticked her off that I stood up for myself, but oh well... .

I truly respect and understand the fact that you don't agree.  We are individuals and that is going to happen.  I also understand that you are trying to hold boundaries, just as I am.  Boundaries we can both agree on is not arguing and resolving disagreements with respect and that is beneficial for the both of us without losing dignity or our own core values.  I am committed to that kind of communication between us.  Last thing We need is to have misunderstandings or arguments that we can't resolve or that blow up.  I am a person who enjoys the communication aspect of phone conversations.  You are like that too.  Or at least we have been like that together.  As it stands right now, we have no communication outside of this medium.  All this is doing is continuing the division between you and I.  We need to have conversations over the phone regarding issues about us, business issues, or about the kids.  :)one constructively, it will really benefit us and our children.  We each deserve healthy, honest communication and so do they.  This is a core value I am ascribing to going forward in my life.  How can we solve this together?

What do you guys think?

Hi MaroonLiquid,

Have you heard anything back, yet?

This stuff is really hard, I'm sorry you're dealing with this kind of frustration.

Have you read up on JADE?  In brief it means, DON'T Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself, when things are somewhat out of sorts.  While I can see what you're trying to accomplish with your text, there's a possibility that she won't see it the way you would hope.  It's also the opposite of what you're trying to accomplish = less texting about important issues.

The feeling of being controlled is horrible, so I get where you're coming from with not liking the idea that she's holding all the cards here. 

Unfortunately (for us), I think people with BPD hate feeling controlled more than we do   So they sometimes dig their heels in more than we could ever possibly imagine, even when we think we're doing the right thing for the relationship.

What would happen if you didn't respond to her texts now that you've cleared the air for yourself?  Is that a boundary of yours?  That you will not discuss important topics via text?

One thing I've learned the hard way is that I have to absolutely mean what I say and follow through when it comes to my own boundaries.  I was not taken seriously otherwise.  So whatever I said kinda blew up in smoke, making it that much harder to secure the next time around...

We have no control over how another person chooses to communicate with us.  The only control we have is how we go about communicating our desires, the rest is not in our hands.

So, how do you think you'll respond to her next text, IF she doesn't/hasn't called by now?  Any ideas?

[MaroonLiquid]

I have not heard back in any form.  I expected it as she doesn't like me setting a boundary.  I'm going to stick to my guns.  We have a family outing planned for Sunday and looking forward to that.  I think that will change things as when we are around each other, 95 times out of a 100, we have a great time and it leads to better communication and intimacy.  Well see though.  I'm not looking for those things as I want it to be about family and no pressure to her about our relationship.

[MaroonLiquid]

Why won't she communicate by phone?  What is she afraid of?  :)ealing with emotion between us?  I was also trying to use the DEARMAN technique to open communication about talking on the phone.

[123Phoebe]

Why won't she communicate by phone?  What is she afraid of?  :)ealing with emotion between us?  I was also trying to use the DEARMAN technique to open communication about talking on the phone.

Bear with me here, MaroonLiquid, I'm working this through as I go along... .

I have no idea why she won't communicate by phone.  I try to stay away from trying to figure out what's going on in the minds of others; I'm very good at making up wild scenarios, but they haven't worked very well for me so far   I try to stick with facts.  

She doesn't want to communicate important issues by phone.  You do.  She wants to text.  You don't.  So you send her a text communicating an important issue.

That to me says that what she wants is more important than the content of the message you sent.

An important issue was communicated by text.

She wins this round!

If I want to talk to someone over the phone, I'll call them.  If their boundary is that they do not wish to receive phone calls from me, I respect that and don't call them.  If I want to talk, but they want to text and I don't want to do that.  Hmmmm... . What to do?

This is tricky!

How would you feel about keeping texts to a minimum, strictly logistics and then when you're together use the tools (SET or DEARMAN) to communicate the deeper stuff?  So maybe no phone or text to get down to heart-to-heart matters?  A compromise?

I'm at a loss as to how you'll persuade her into actually talking on the phone if she doesn't want to.