Questions about boundaries

[Bear60]

I think I have an understanding of boundaries but she can really twist your thoughts.

I will use an extreme example to get some feed back and check my sanity.

"I will not tolerate hitting me"

This would be a healthy, normal boundary?

Set for someone else not to cross against me?

Then would it not be an expectation that I would not cross it myself towards someone else?

Would it not be a double standard if it wasn't ok to hit me but I could hit you?

How do you address something like this with them?

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[maxsterling]

Forgive me if I am not understanding your question (a bit under the weather today).  Are you talking about the pwBPD having the double standard?  My BPD fiance can produce a whole list of things that she will not tolerate from others, yet she dishes them out herself.  Very frustrating, and seems to be a common BPD issue.  Double standards are destructive for any relationship, and I don't think I would feel comfortable having a boundary that is not a two-way street. 

Your extreme example is one of those that I would describe as a "universal boundary" that doesn't need to be stated.  You know, the stuff we learned about in kindergarten - that hitting and screaming at others are wrong.  If you have to tell another adult "I will leave if you hit me," that means you already have a deep problem.

[Bear60]

Yes the example would imo be in a normal universal boundary and was one that would not need a lengthy explanation.

Yes I am talking about the BPD having a double standard even thought she is always accusing me of it. I hear all the time "you wouldn't stand for me doing x"  but she does x all the time and more extreme.

[MaybeSo]

Bottom line.

You cannot control others.

You cannot control her.

You can only and ever control yourself.

Using your example... .

If I tell you that my boundary is you can’t hit me but I often hit YOU…then yes…it’s a double standard and I’m being immature and a hypocrite. 

You are not going to argue me out of being immature and a hypocrite. 

Better to notice that I am being immature and hypocrite (so you are clear about my behavior) and then take distance so you are no longer hit. If you stay and argue with me…it’s a total waste of time.   

And, if I am hitting you…and you stay to argue with me…then you aren’t really taking responsibility for  your own boundary.  And I will notice that and learn pretty quickly…. that you are not really serious about your boundaries, you are more interested in arguing with me and trying to get me to change... .than maintaining your own ‘boundary’. 

Which works great if I like to argue and get caught up in a lot of drama/trauma with you.  We can do that forever.

Trying to change or control another person…. is not taking care of your own boundaries. 

The only person you can control is YOU. 

[waverider]

you can only set your boundary, and action it. Boundaries are not negotiated agreements.

You cannot ask someone not to cross your boundary and expect them to comply.

Boundaries are about you taking action to prevent them being crossed.

One would think that you would set a good example by reciprocating that boundary.

You have no say as to what anyone else sets as a boundary or not.