breakup rollercoaster

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the past month has been break-ups and reconciliation on a nearly daily basis. i recognize that i enable his behavior, but it has been so hard for me to let all of this go. even accepting his BPD, i find it hard to believe he is willing to just walk away from our me and our dreams that we have been planning and saving for.

a month ago today, actually, i relocated to phoenix, where he was to later join me (this weekend, actually). the first weekend i was there, he came to visit and bring the first carload of his belongings. his visit ended with him a rage (like i have never experienced before) and him walking out on me. a few days later, i found out he cheated on me the very night i moved and he went running back to her (his ex) when he left me in phoenix. i shortly thereafter returned to our hometown, but didn't tell him. when he discovered i was in town, he was outraged that i hadn't told him - he couldn't believe i wouldn't want to see him. after he cheated on me? walked out on me? broke up with me? after much begging, i agreed to see him and stupidly agreed to reconcile. i returned to phoenix, but came home on sunday night to see him. i drove all night, only to reach his house at 5am and find his ex's truck out front. he had the audacity to tell me the electricity was out at her apartment and she was staying at her cousin house, which just happened to be across the street from his. the frightening part is he told me this lie without pausing for one second to think about it. i told him i didn't believe it. for the first time ever, i saw him panic. he was frantic. all night and beginning at 6am the next day, he spent hours texting me - apologizing, begging for my forgiveness and another chance, how he realizes he had been wrong and what he has put me through and he would never treat me like that again. he said he "never ever" thought he would lose me or that i would walk away. he left long-stemmed red roses on my porch. i held my ground and said no. yesterday morning i woke up and decided that i did believe all the nice things he  said the day before (i wanted to believe him anyway). i drove to his house and sure enough, his ex's truck was there. he his excuse this time was that i said i didn't want to be with him and he can't be alone. he apologized and asked if we could make up, but he was cold and distant. he wasn't as frantic or desperate as he had been the day before. i was supposed to return to phoenix today and he said he wanted to go with me. i said i wasn't sure i wanted him to come live with me now. from 4 - 7pm, he repeatedly asked what time we were leaving. after 7pm, i felt his mood shift and could see the rage unfolding. suddenly he claimed that i can't give him the future he deserves, that i don't have the characteristics he wants in a "companion" (i thought this was a strange word to use?) he said he didn't care if he lost me, that i do nothing for him. the day before he said that no woman had ever treated him as good as i had, that he wished he could start over with me and not take me for granted. how quickly that changed. he continued to say horrible, very hurtful things to me and even rubbed salt in my wounds by asking if he could take over my lease in phoenix so HE would have a place to live. to make matters worse, his ex (who also appears to have a few screws loose) has been publicly cyber-bulling me on instagram.

i feel like i don't know which way is up anymore. his decisions and moods are fleeting and i can't keep up with the lies. i deserve this most recent break up, because i gave him the last chance he asked for. at this point, i actually expect this kind of behavior from him, but every time it shocks me just how cruel and cold he can be... .how he can turn and walk away without thinking twice. my heart just doesn't work that way.

[pieceofme]

the past month has been break-ups and reconciliation on a nearly daily basis. i recognize that i enable his behavior, but it has been so hard for me to let all of this go. even accepting his BPD, i find it hard to believe he is willing to just walk away from our me and our dreams that we have been planning and saving for.

a month ago today, actually, i relocated to phoenix, where he was to later join me (this weekend, actually). the first weekend i was there, he came to visit and bring the first carload of his belongings. his visit ended with him a rage (like i have never experienced before) and him walking out on me. a few days later, i found out he cheated on me the very night i moved and he went running back to her (his ex) when he left me in phoenix. i shortly thereafter returned to our hometown, but didn't tell him. when he discovered i was in town, he was outraged that i hadn't told him - he couldn't believe i wouldn't want to see him. after he cheated on me? walked out on me? broke up with me? after much begging, i agreed to see him and stupidly agreed to reconcile. i returned to phoenix, but came home on sunday night to see him. i drove all night, only to reach his house at 5am and find his ex's truck out front. he had the audacity to tell me the electricity was out at her apartment and she was staying at her cousin house, which just happened to be across the street from his. the frightening part is he told me this lie without pausing for one second to think about it. i told him i didn't believe it. for the first time ever, i saw him panic. he was frantic. all night and beginning at 6am the next day, he spent hours texting me - apologizing, begging for my forgiveness and another chance, how he realizes he had been wrong and what he has put me through and he would never treat me like that again. he said he "never ever" thought he would lose me or that i would walk away. he left long-stemmed red roses on my porch. i held my ground and said no. yesterday morning i woke up and decided that i did believe all the nice things he  said the day before (i wanted to believe him anyway). i drove to his house and sure enough, his ex's truck was there. he his excuse this time was that i said i didn't want to be with him and he can't be alone. he apologized and asked if we could make up, but he was cold and distant. he wasn't as frantic or desperate as he had been the day before. i was supposed to return to phoenix today and he said he wanted to go with me. i said i wasn't sure i wanted him to come live with me now. from 4 - 7pm, he repeatedly asked what time we were leaving. after 7pm, i felt his mood shift and could see the rage unfolding. suddenly he claimed that i can't give him the future he deserves, that i don't have the characteristics he wants in a "companion" (i thought this was a strange word to use?) he said he didn't care if he lost me, that i do nothing for him. the day before he said that no woman had ever treated him as good as i had, that he wished he could start over with me and not take me for granted. how quickly that changed. he continued to say horrible, very hurtful things to me and even rubbed salt in my wounds by asking if he could take over my lease in phoenix so HE would have a place to live. to make matters worse, his ex (who also appears to have a few screws loose) has been publicly cyber-bulling me on instagram.

i feel like i don't know which way is up anymore. his decisions and moods are fleeting and i can't keep up with the lies. i deserve this most recent break up, because i gave him the last chance he asked for. at this point, i actually expect this kind of behavior from him, but every time it shocks me just how cruel and cold he can be... .how he can turn and walk away without thinking twice. my heart just doesn't work that way.

[elessar]

I am sorry to hear this

I believe that is how the initial breakups are. Once they decide to break-up, it is daily breakup and makeup for a couple of months. After that it recycles into a few weeks to a few months thing.

You have given him multiple chances, and every time he has broken your trust.

And I absolutely agree that changing his words for you... .yesterday you were his everything, and today nothing... .it must hurt a lot. When we express such strong affection for someone, we do it after lots of thoughts and analysis, and we mean it to last forever. When they say it, they do it based on what they are feeling at the moment the words are coming out of their mouth, not on what they felt yesterday or will feel tomorrow. Because very soon he will be declaring his undying love for you, before leaving you again or growing cold and distance.

The best you can do now is to focus on yourself. These boards are filled with stories of Exes who never went for treatment, and as such their behaviors never changed. He might not be a bad person, but he is an ill person. He needs help, but you cannot help him or do it for him.

Moving to a new city hoping to start a life with him, and it turning out to be wrong must suck. I moved to Pittsburgh three years back from NYC and she was supposed to join me here (she is desperate to leave her parents home, but is mortally afraid of living alone). But when I did, she said "why should I leave NYC for you? I have always lived in a big city and I don't want to live in the middle of nowhere. i don't want to leave my life here to move there for you". so now I am stuck in a city where every moment reminds me that I came here so we can start a life together. and now she has accepted a marriage proposal from a guy who lives in a very small place in Ohio. go figure... .

so do what is best for you, without hoping he will be a part of your life.

[pieceofme]

When we express such strong affection for someone, we do it after lots of thoughts and analysis, and we mean it to last forever.

elessar, your words resonated with me a lot. it was after much thought and analysis that i agreed to move to phoenix with him. i am a very rational, non-impulsive person and i hate taking risks. it was foolish of me to make such a major life decision based on someone who was a flight risk. two days ago i explained to him that i uprooted my life and spent thousands of dollars to move my life for him, for nothing! he said i moved for work and not to put the responsibility on him. while we were both moving for work, i was also moving with him - to share my life, to split the bills, etc. then in the same breath he wanted to know what time we were leaving today to return to our home there. mere hours later, he was back with his ex, whom, earlier in the day, he described to me as "evil, because she wants to ruin his life." i'm sitting here looking at the roses he left for me two days ago :'( his decisions and the speed with which he makes them are perplexing to me. i'm afraid i'll ever understand 

i completely understand your feeling stuck in a city where every moment reminds you of why you moved. i am stuck in phoenix, in a home we found together, but living life alone. when i return home to our hometown, i am haunted by our memories and the fact that he isn't around.