A lot going on

[PyneappleDays]

It’s been a few weeks since I've been on this website.  Too many things going on and not enough time to thoroughly update situations properly.

I went away on a cruise to get some RR only to not quite get off the plane to a series of txts and messages.  Seriously if your pregnant you have 9 months surely it can wait till Wednesday?  I wish I had never got off the boat.

So with the pregnancy she now seems to think that there will be some leniency in getting what she wants (clothes, money and s shuttle around town).  I'm trying to explain to her no, I'm here to support you but this is your decision, yours and your bf child and responsibility not mine. So it begins.

Also, this starts and episode with my sister who now supportive in words and not deeds with my daughter.  My sister likes to step in and tell me what I'm supposed to do as a new g-ma.

My husband it is ecstatic "you’re going to be a grandma" invites the couple over to toast the new couple in parenthood and is gidaughtery.  I don't think it sunk in at that point.  It doesn't sink in till she starts phoning for rides and asking for favours then he's angry because he thinks I'm covering things up and giving into her.  Which I'm not.  My husband delivers water to a home for unwed pregnant teens.  She asked me if I thought it was a good idea.  I said yes and I was determined to get her in so I made sure she made the apt.  I figured that if she was assessed properly if there was a chance that they thought was unfit they would make arrangements for the baby.  If she was fit they would help her set up in her own place.  Therefore not moving around from place to place and wouldn’t be me telling her.

I feel like a ping pong between my daughters her bf and my husband and my sister.  It's a lot of from my daughter "Mom", from my sister "a g-ma is a very important station in life and daughter is a most loving person" and from my husband "it's not our problem"

I’m not trying to mean condescending or dismissive but I see a very ugly cycle coming back to me.  I grew up in foster care.   My mother was way too busy chasing after my father to care for her kids with all kinds of conspiracy theories on my dad fooling around.  I’m starting to see in my daughter.

Or am I just being paranoid

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear pyneappledays

I do think you are in a tough position and one that is hard to balance. How to be supportive and still have your dd take the bulk of the responsiblity. How old is your dd? Where is she living right now? Does she and her bf have the means to take care of this baby?

Here is a quote I keep by my computer...

It is not within my power to orchestrate the outcome... . 

I can only try to create opportunities... . 

How can you go about supporting your dd through this time? Can you put her intouch with organizations that can help her? This teen home is a great start and I hope that pans out for her. What other kinds of things is she asking for? Is she scared and wants you to come to doctor appointments? I would try to put yself in her shoes right now and see what is underlining her behavior.

Maybe you need to put some boundaries in place so you are not being asked on a daily basis to do something... . Can you say I am available Tuesdays if you need a ride etc... . that way you can have the rest of the week to yourself... . is there a way to limit what you do?

I might try and limit my contact with your sister... . or at least change the subject when it comes to your dd and how she thinks you are not doing enough... . try to think of your cruise when your day is extra hard... . 

[PyneappleDays]

Thanks for replying.  Sometimes I think when I write people are reading and going "yee not sure how to respond".

My daughter is 19 and she is in the facility that I mentioned for unwed teens.  Knock on wood she does nothing to get kicked out.  Neither she nor her bf has jobs but they are both in school.  The 12 year plan school, but in school.  He still lives at home

I'm really pensive about seeing her because she always wants something you can't give her enough.  I work though my fear and just say no most of the times to things that are frivolous.  She wanted to go to Harvey's last night and wouldn't let it go till I got a little nasty.

I'm a 100% sure she's scared although she thinks this is great she's expecting to get all kinds of attention.

I'm really afraid of the future of this kid (the baby) my daughter has no means other than welfare and you can't raise a kid on love.  I'm going to end up taking care of it and look how well the first one turned out

PyneappleDays

[jellibeans]

Oh pyneappledays... .you really had me laughing at your reply... . it is good you still have a sense of humor... . 

I think you are doing the best you can and that is all we can do... . don't be hard on yourself. A baby can really change things and I have seen it have a positive affect on pwBPD... . I think it really has them grow up fast. I have read stories where the pwBPD has really had a huge change during this time and much improvements have been made... . it might end up being the best thing.


When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.


Try posting on the parent board... you will find a lot in your same situation and it is a great place for support... . I hang out there so I will be looking for you! I am glad you found us!

[jellibeans]

Dear PyneappleDays

I think I am having one of those days when I am jumping from one board to another... . I am so sorry I have suggested a board you are already on... . I am hoping more will chime in with advise for you. I know there are others here who have a dd that is expecting and one who have children... and although it probably has caused some concern I do think a baby also can add so much joy at the same time... .

What is your biggest fear going forward?

[PyneappleDays]

My biggest fear going forward?  the cycle repeating itself.  That she interns raises a child in poverty that eventually have BPD as well or tat the child will be taken away.

[jellibeans]

Dear PyneappleDays

That is one thing I find hard to control in myself... . I tend to jump ahead and start worring about things that have not even happened yet... you know the quote?... . Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy... . I feel living in the present hard to do sometimes because I am a worrier but I also realize I need to put things into perspective and I need to try to stay positive. Ultimately if the baby is going to have BPD there is really nothing anyone can do... . I really beleive that it is not caused by upbringing. I think learning some communication skills might help but it is not a cure. I have two daughters... . my oldest is so different from my younger dd but they were raised the same way.

I don't think being raised in poverty is the cause for BPD but I am sure you are concerned for how your dd will manage. Is the father helping with expenses? Is there child support?

[PyneappleDays]

I try that "in the momment" yoga and meditating but doesn't come to mind when someone's pushing your buttons.

The father is in the pictures.  I keep trying to tell them they need to do the work now for their future.  Since they are both still in school they say it's hard to find a job.

[qcarolr]

My biggest fear going forward?  the cycle repeating itself.  That she interns raises a child in poverty that eventually have BPD as well or tat the child will be taken away.

I have lived out both of these scenarios in a way.

Dh and I are raising our gd8 who has always lived in our home. The dad was gone from her life by about 6 months, though he was in/out during that time. He has never contributed to her financial well-being as he is most often in prison in one state or another - luckily not where we live. DD27 has been in/out of gd's life and our home. Very long story. Becoming a grammy/mommy has been a really bigger commitment than I imagined esp. with the energy I still feel compelled to give toward my DD's needs, both emotional and financial. Gd8 is being treated for ADHD, anxiety and some PTSD issues. I am sad that I did not protect her more rigorously from the raging of her mom in my denial of DD's meth use. DD will no live in our home again, and this is so painful for me at times.

My gs6 was placed in foster care at age 5 months and adopted by the foster parents at age 2. We could not take on another grandchild emotionally or financially. The court wanted us to adopt him, and we knew that DD and her new husband would not comply with our wishes for this beautiful little boy. The 18 month process for him to become free for adoption was too long, especially since DD did not make a commitment to follow the family court orders most of the time. This daddy was a good man, but liked his cocaine and beer a lot. He was deported back to Mexico which changed the whole foster/adopt process. I have heard from the adoptive mom that he has anger issues in a rare email exchange. This does not show up on her facebook page where he looks very happy.

There are others on this board that have BPDkids able to be good parents with support from family and community. My story is only one perspective.

Kids need lots of SAFETY & LOVE along with the material needs. Poverty is not nearly as big an issue as the needs for a secure attachment with their primary caregiver from birth onward. This requires the parents to put the needs of this child before their own needs. My DD does not have this ability -- even for her own needs.!

It is good your D is in a program for young mom-to-be. I hope she can get the support she needs even if it is to choose to allow someone else to raise her child.

qcr

[PyneappleDays]

As I sit here at work I'm thinking about what to say.  With my BPD daughter I'm always in this situation.  It's exhausting as everyone can attest.  It takes away from my very patient employer and personal life.  Last week it was a meeting to confront her on her situation that’s coming up very close in the mirror.  CAS.  It’s own word and sentence.  Everyone fears it.

I know that they are in it for the child (unborn) best interest.  But I feel they have a mandate.  Take the child and make everyone sing and dance around them. I’m telling my daughter.  I’m doing my best to get her prepared.  She’s kicking and fighting it.  She’s her own worst enemy.  Really.

You have no income of your own and you live in everyone’s house in fear of being kicked out or taken advantage of.  You sign up for it.  The child does not.

So I get daughter in a center to help her prepare.  She fights them “someone stole my chips and juice my bf and friends don’t come see me, I want to move out”.  So I met with her and her councillor last week to talk her out of her tree and tell her about the storm that’s about to ascend.  The center did not call CAS you were flagged the minute you became pregnant your history and the hospital not to mention your highschool and doctor’s office all have a duty to report. Another one with the bf today.  Yeah.  To get them both on board she will have to take a test to clear for her mental health they need to come up with a plan.  I get to play chauffer to the bf who will probably hate me and want to walk home.   His parent will probably hate me but they are not attending any meeting.  Go figure.

I keep thinking to myself do I want to do this.  She will have to start working on really their end (daughter &bf) because there is no way I’m going to stop it.  To take the baby so CAS won’t only to clear the way for another.  Because my recollection and reading on here they don’t stop at one and they don’t learn their lesson.

I only have 1 bottle of happy juice it’s going to be a very interesting evening.  It’s not my go to happy place but a run with the dog will only be soggy in the rain.

[Pizzas123]

I am in similar situation as this.  Scared to death for baby.  My husband is convinced it will end up falling on us... . like you said, this is just another chance for us to screw another child up, we did so poorly with our daughter.  Maybe I'll start taking a whole zanex instead of half from here on in.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PyneappleDays]

.  Try jogging it's cheaper and healther then the zanex

[Verbena]

I just found out over the weekend that my DD is pregnant.  She is almost 29, and her husband is about to be 31.  They will have been married just over two years when the baby comes.  They both have good jobs and a beautiful home.  

I am very excited and happy for them, and I'm terrified at the same time. My DD cannot tolerate stress or not being the center of attention, has a very low threshold for noise and other stimulus, gets upset and offended very easily, and has little physical stamina.  

She did not plan to have a baby for a couple of years.  Her sister-in-law, who she has had a lot of drama with, is currently pregnant and due in September. DD is not happy about having to "share" her pregnancy with her SIL.  

I know our situations are different and I'm thankful my DD is in a better place than in the past; however, I still have concerns as you do.  How would you feel about your DD putting her baby up for adoption?  Given her circumstances, that might be a good solution.  

I am hoping and praying my daughter will be able to to make some changes so being a mom will be easier for her.  

[Pizzas123]

I'm just joking about the Xanex (sort of), I do work out at the gym and it really does help.  I have broached the subject of adoption, but my daughter won't hear of it.  So onward we go... .

[nanamama]

I have lived this.  My granddaughter is now six years old, has been in our care since she's six weeks old.  What it boiled down to for me was this:  the child did not ask to be brought into this insanity.  My daughter made the decision to continue the pregnancy and to raise this child, with help from us, but then when it came down to it, she wasn't ready.  Because the child was born 13 weeks early, we had become very attached to her and up until the day my daughter ran from here, she tried to convince herself and everyone else that she was invested in this child's life.

She was not.  Giving her up for adoption was not our call.  Giving her to state custody was unthinkable.  So we rolled up our sleeves and took hold of the situation.  Reporting honestly our daughter's problems.  Calling the police to intervene when there was abuse and neglect going on.  Asking for law enforcement and court intervention when needed.  Even though this put us in a very adversarial position with my daughter.

This isn't for the meek, but it is something you have to think about.  This child, the one we have here and the one that your daughter will bring into the world, is innocent.  Helpless.  And entitled to a life that is filled with security and well being.  To have basic housing and caring.  To be nurtured and have all needs met, safety, well-being, continued growth and development being first and foremost.  Hopefully, your daughter will be able to step up to the plate and be a mother when the time comes.  Maybe she'll be able to put her own self aside and do that.

I would encourage you to be ready for either instance.  That baby MUST have an advocate and it might have to be you.  It is very hard to do.  My daughter hasn't been real happy about how things have gone for her, but it has all been a matter of her choices that made it be this way.  And it has been a matter of OUR choice to step for this child that has made her life be a good one and hopefully, she'll remain untouched by her mother's mental illness and other issues.

I once was a large part of this community, many years ago when I was first trying to survive my marriage, then my divorce, to my BPD exhusband.  Now I'm going through it with a child.  My ex I could walk away from pretty easily, but this, this is much harder.  What keeps me strong is knowing I took on the responsibility for my granddaughter, and now owe her a duty to continue that way.  We'll be formally adopting her here in the next few months.  With our without my daughter's consent.  It's all about choices.  Some of those choices are ours.

[qcarolr]

nanamama

Yes, this is not for the meek. Yes, our grandchildren do need an advocate and so often we are the best ones to do this. Decisions need to be well thought out, because it is a big commitment. I have so struggled with the adversarial position this has created with my DD27. DD so 'wants' to be the mom, and has made so many choices that make this an impossible thing for her. DD is who she is, feels that she is OK as she is, and this precludes her being in a relationship with gd. I admire your resolve and ability to limit access between your D and gd - am I right about this?

If I knew 8 years ago what I know now, what I have experienced in trying to balance raising gd under our private custody agreement, working through this with more support from social services and pursuing adoption when gd was younger may have been wiser. I cannot go back to live this again and find out. I still can be an effective parent with gd. And I can still find a safe way to be connected to DD away from our home.

The most important thing in my mind is that each infant deserves to have the best chance possible to form a strong attachment bond with their primary caregiver. All the sciences show this leads to the best development of body/brain, mind, self, spirit. And thus to being connected successfully in the world as an adult and able to raise the next generation in a healthy, attached way.

If the parent(s) are unable to put the needs of the child ahead of their own, then serious consideration needs to be given to the best place for that baby to live. With careful consideration.

It really really has to be about the best interests of the child. nanamama, thanks so much for sharing your story.

qcr

[nanamama]

nanamama

I admire your resolve and ability to limit access between your D and gd - am I right about this?

Yes.  Her access is limited.  But only by her behavior and lack of performance.  There is no contact at all unless and until my daughter does a number of court ordered things, and then, the contact will be supervised by a third party.  She was given a plan and orders to follow, steps to take, to move towards a more normalized relationship with her child.  She was given the same opportunities with the other two children she bore and walked away from.  Her choice has been to do nothing.  Other than blame everyone else, of course.  Or more specifically, me.  And I'm not saying that bitterly, nor do I take it personally.  I know better than that. it's just a fact of life for us.

nanamama

[nanamama]

To take the baby so CAS won’t only to clear the way for another.  Because my recollection and reading on here they don’t stop at one and they don’t learn their lesson.

I know this has been the case with my daughter.  She ran from here at 16 leaving her first child.  That child just turned 6.  She's had 2 more since leaving.  Also abandoned them.  They are 4 and 2.  And I hate to say it, but there are things she's said in the past weeks that make me wonder if number 4 is on the way.  

I know we can only do what we can do and that is to continue to help the one child that we have the ability to help.  The other two are in a different jurisdiction and there is nothing we can do for them at this point.  Except be vigilant and see that social services there are keeping an eye on them.  They are with their jailbird father who has been and now is off a very strict supervision and that has kept him in check.  He's got baby number 4 on the way with another woman.  This should get interesting and I'm glad they are two states away.  

Short answer, at least in our situation, no, they don't get it and they don't stop.  It's really quite sad.

[Pizzas123]

I am so touched by how selfless and kind you are for raising your grandchildren.  You are saints, and your grandchildren are so blessed by having you in their lives. I am not sure I am up to your caliber.

When my husband and I found out about this pregnancy, we were so sad and dissapointed... . just one more poor decision from our daughter.  We feel we've raised our kids, are in a good place in our lives (except for daughter worries) and don't want to raise another child.  However, as much as we are not wanting to do this, we will step up, if we have to.  And I'm sure we will have to.  I just hope my daughter doesn't follow the path of having more kids after this that she won't want to be responsible for.

I continue to pray - for daughter, for a more wlling attitude for husband and I to do what we will have to, and for this innocent baby being brought into the world, through no choice of it's own.

Sorry this sounds like such a downer... . I am truly happy for support found here, and will press on, taking it day by day, as we all do!  

[nanamama]

Pizzas123, I also had no real desire to be raising another child.  I can tell you, however, that it has been a immense joy for me to raise my granddaughter.  I raised my own children with a BPD, alcoholic/addict coparent.  This child is in a home where both parents, me and my now husband, are on the same page about just about everything, almost absolutely.  Our biggest difference of opinion has been about silly things like treats and toys.  I think she needs less of them than she has.  We've worked really hard to balance our need to parent with our being grandparents.  It's been extremely fun.  It makes me wonder what my own children could have been had they been raised in the same environment as this little sweetie is being raised.

You step up to whatever level you have to step up.  Just as water seeks it's lowest level, our love rises where it needs to go to protect and love this little girl.  She is blossoming beautiful and past the age when my daughter and son (also mentally ill, bipolar) began to show signs of not being quite well.  She's loved and adored and gives us the same back.

A new thing we are doing.  I had a little gimmick like this with each of my children.  This is hers.  There's a silly game we played called "pteradactyl."  You talk with your lips kinda sucked in to your mouth and say pteradactyl.  There's more to the game than that, but we've started giving each other pteradactyl kisses every morning when she leaves for school, when I pick her up and when it's bedtime and anytime in between.  Just like butterfly kisses, eskimo kisses, etc.  We have pteradactyl kisses.

Priceless.  This little girl is right where God meant her to be.  And we thank him every single day for being chosen to take this job.  She had a very rough beginning, 13 weeks early.  She's been nothing but a joy to us, even in the beginning when things were so insane with her mother and father.

That's the payoff. 

[jellibeans]

nanamama

Having your gd must help a lot with the healing... . I think grandchildren really have the key to mending hurts from the past... . a chance to do it over and apply what you have learned over the years... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Priceless.  This little girl is right where God meant her to be.  And we thank him every single day for being chosen to take this job.  She had a very rough beginning, 13 weeks early.  She's been nothing but a joy to us, even in the beginning when things were so insane with her mother and father.

That's the payoff. 

This is a beautiful post, nanamama 

Thank you very much for sharing it... . jellibeans is right: a chance to do it over and apply what you've learned over the years. A real blessing that you have seen, understood, and made the most of. Priceless, indeed... .

[PyneappleDays]

Dear Pizzas123 I hope I didn’t offend you.  Sometimes in bad situation I cope with a sense of humour not everyone gets.

Although my sister likes to tell me take a pill and chill.  I wish I sometimes could.

nanamama your life sounds a lot like mine.  I think my ex-husband had at least some mental problem but would never get tested.

I think this “talk me out of this tree” mentality is what she’s looking for because all the attention is on her.  At least I found out one thing last night.  Her bf was calm logical and had questions.  I was surprised. Usually he just a bundle or red hair. He also told her that he hopes she stays put it’s best for the baby.

I know this is awful and I said it before if CAS does take the baby I told my daughter that was not stepping in.  It’s what best for the child to go to a family who wants a child and can care for it.  I did not sign up for another kid.  The one I have is exhausting enough.

I hope I’m not taking up valuable space on this site by keeping this topic going.

PyneappleDays

[Pizzas123]

  Wasn't offended at all!  No worries!

[qcarolr]

I am so grateful that DD27 chose to get a copper IUD after the second child - good for 10 years with no hormones (gave her migraines). She does care about her two kids - lots of grieving. She wanted her happy family fantasy to work out -- me too in the beginning. This led me to try so hard to keep the connection open with gd, even when it was not a good situation.

Dh refused to do 12 week program to be kindship approved home for  more support from social services in the beginning. Things are better as I am doing therapy for myself, have gathered a good support group of women in my new church, and working diligently with gd's T. They have been shifting to a focus on trauma based therapies with limited medication. This type of therapy is based on research in neuroscience and attachment for kids of trauma and neglect. I can see it working as dh and I change our parenting methods and gd's ADHD is being managed so she is fully participating in her therapy, school, neighborhood, etc.

qcr

PS. This is a great topic and connects with so many of us on the forum.

[nanamama]

I've heard of others in our situation speak of resentment, anger and other negative feelings towards the child or grandchild when having to step up and care for a grandchild full time.  That baffles me.  Even though I can understand initially feeling some resentment towards the situation, but it's all about choices, for me.

I can feel mean and resentful.  Or I can accept my circumstances as they are and find happiness and joy within them.  I choose to be happy and joyful.  I get really tired sometimes.  I wish I could just go and do whatever I want whenever I want like I could before we took this on.  Now that she's in school, full day kindergarten, I have much more freedom again to do what I want.  Exercise.  Read.  Crochet.  Walk outside.  Etc.  But I spend most of that time watching the clock for when it's time to go pick that little sweetie back up and hear about her day, help her with her homework.  Watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, followed by Frozen for the 97th time. 

I can't imagine my life without her or a world without her in it.  Just like with my children, her aunties and uncle.  It is what you make it.  For my husband and I anyways.  Once the decision was made to go forward with this full time responsibility, it was either going to be all the way, or not at all.  Only fair to the child to do it that way.  She keeps us young and in better shape than we probably would be at this point in time also.  That's a big bonus.   

I don't feel resentment towards my daughter and her baby daddy.  I feel nothing towards him at all.  And I feel immense sadness at times for my daughter.  She is missing so much.  X3.  Even if she were to miraculously get well and join the family again, these years cannot ever be regained for her.  She's missed every single milestone, success, first, etc.  With all three of her children.  That makes me feel very sad, and it must be overwhelming for her if she is able to think that way.  I believe she can and does and that's what fuels HER resentment towards me, the child and the rest of the family.  She can't be happy, so we shouldn't either.

One of her last comments to me was "C is happy, healthy and safe.  She has everything she wants and needs.  I'm not and I don't. . ."  SO VERY SAD.

Our little sweetie makes that not hurt so bad.  I could never resent that.

[Pizzas123]

This struck a chord with me.  It's the way I want to be about this situation.  Positive thinking does not come naturally to me, unfortunately.  But I'm trying very hard.  I have cried and felt sorry for myself over this, now I'm done with it.  I truly don't see a good outcome for this whole situation with pregnant daughter, but I will do everything I can to make life good for this baby.  I know my husband will too. Thanks so much for the inspiration.