Constant Interference

[PyneappleDays]

Enabling

Ok maybe I’m see in it wrong

I have a problem with my BPD daughter.  We set boundaries and limits but try to keep open mind.  The problem I having is external  enabling.

1

Apparently I’m an unfit uncaring mother

My family.  I told them that for Xmas we were going to my husband’s family this year.  We were with my family last year.  I told my daughter she is more then welcome to come.  She lives on her own  ith her bf. She doesn’t want to because we have rules .  They are as follows: no drinking, no smoking, no you and your bf sleeping over in the same room, you have to get yourself over to our house and back and a gift for the host family. Her bf (who is 16) my daughter (19) and her were going to my family.  Something went a rye.  My niece was going to pick her up and bring her back she was going to stay at her aunts house.

I said to my daughter, fine go, but know this.  I’m not comfortable with my niece driving in this bad weather (it’s been freezing rain and snow)she just got her licence, she has to work and they may not feel comfortable opening their presents infront of them.

Low a behold I got a series of phone calls from my niece confirming what I belived.  I told them that she had a place to go to but made other plans.

Followed by a birage of txts from my sister accusing me being a bad parent no bringing her down and being judgemental.

My daughter told them I called the OW worker ( please see message Illigal acyivity) and not siding with her.  That my husband was the one that kicked her out.  That I don’t like her bf.  That I have no business judging her life style if she doesn’t live with me.

According to my family you don’t tell anybody about illgal activity even if your about to get into trouble.  Your to cover your family.

2 her Bf

He’s 16 she’s 19.  There’s a law that no one is looking at.  I think he should go home and get on with his life.  I don’t know what his parent’s are thinking.  He lives with take money from her and doesn’t contribute. He doesn’t like anything we say and he’s always ready to punch one of us. He hates my husband because apparently he’s keeping me away from her and interfers when N. asks me for money.  If my daughter ifs facing trouble my husband is the first to tell her what she’s getting into.  She doesn’t like to face the truth and she’s happy as long as she’s not getting caught.  She think the he’s snitching on her.

3 The people that she’s living with

The people that she’s living with are on welfair as well.  They drink, smoke do drugs allow her to live with her bf.  Really they are getting money from her under the table (they don’t report it)

I don’t understand if people would stop enabling her she would have to come home live up to her responsibility, go to school, get a job, volunteer.  In essense get help.  But she would have to aknowledge the problem.

They other problem I have is this.  She may want to live her life that way.  But I don’t.  But in doing so I get accusations, judged and threatened.  The possibility loss of the realtionship I have with her and occasionally my family and my spouse.  You can’t win for trying or losing with these people.  Her or them.  Seceatly I think she just wants me to herself.  So no one want to interfer.

I give up.

What do you do with contstant interferance and enabling?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi PyneappleDays,

The way I see it is that there will always be outside enablers where it comes to our pwBPD. My dd19 has become a master of spinning a good yarn since she was 3yo, so I have had many encounters with many people over the years who took her side of the story and accused me of being a bad mother.  some of these very  people were members of my own family or my very close friends and... .Yep they all believed every word dd told them  and they all ended up getting burnt by her too

There is a saying that birds of a feather stick together which may be the case with the family your dd is living with.I know that it is hard to watch, but your dd is 19yo now. She will make mistakes and will even continue to make mistakes whikle she lives with these people.You dont have to like how she is living her life, but just be there without any accusations or I told you so's because in my experience they dont work. If anything it will just drive your dd;s behaviour further underground.

What has helped me is reaching Radical Acceptance with my dd. I still dont like many of her behaviours but I have learned to accept that is the way she is.  It hasnt happened overnight I can tell you that but it has hepled me to have an easier life. I kinow that I cant change my dd. She would have to change herself... .and little by little I have begun to see these changes... .And wherever possible i stay away from lecturing my dd. Even though you are right in your concern for your neice driving in terrible weather conditions, your dd has  only seen it as an attack or that you are trying to prevent her from staying over at her aunts.And of course because she has interpreted it this way she has relayed the message in the same way. You must remember that our pwBPD are very immature in their thinking... .so all they ofter hear is the word "No"!

I think in future it may be better to speak to her aunt or whomever concerned directly expressing your concerns. If it were me I would have expressed my concerns and then suggested another way she could get to her aunts safely... .maybe by taxi perhaps or bus if possible and offering to pay if neccessary.That way it solves the crosswires.

Last Year my dd had a meltdown over the xmas holidays while she was here... .so this year she will only be coming over for the day itself... It was dd's idea and I think it is a good one. It takes the pressure of her to be jolly and festive and it takes it off us being on tenderhooks all the time either trying to involve her or not to upset her... .If she decides to stay longer then thats ok too, but this way I think she finds that there is less pressure or expectations.

so yeah we have all learnt from last years events and we are all hoping for a more peaceful and more enjoyble one this year.  

all the best jsf

[pessim-optimist]

 

Welcome to the boards PyneappleDays!

I know, we all want the best for our children, we want them to recognize their problems and get help.

With the 16 year-old bf, you must be really worried. I'd be worried too... .Hang in there, 

js friend has some good advice and ideas.

Is your dd planning to come over for Christmas this year?

[qcarolr]

Welcome PyneappleDays.

The holidays always present unique challenges for my family too. My BPDDD is 27 now, and has been in/out of our home since she was 17. She has been in many bf relationships over that time - most of them ending badly. It has taken me years of practicing the tools and skills (see list in the sidebar to the right) for things to start getting better.

I had to make many change within myself first. As I became more practiced and letting DD live her own life, and loving her anyway (Acceptance), she has responded with baby steps in our family. Since she has refused to accept she needs treatment, these changes come and go. And the same for me - when I get in a fearful place my new skills become invisible to me.

DD's behaviors have not been limited to our nuclear family. She has acted out against dh and I many times in front of others in our family. So in a way we a fortunate that they 'get it'. The down side is they have isolated from us because they only see the pain DD causes us. They do not understand that logic and reason to not work with a pwBPD. Especially when they are consumed by their emotions. There is a real, neurological blockage to being able to use the thinking part of the brain when locked in the emotional part of the brain. My DD often lives in the emotional part of her brain - common with BPD.

I hope you can give yourself some time to work through the tools and lessons here. It is a lot to take in and it is worth the effort. Then to practice, come here to vent and share, and practice some more.

Are there ways to build some support for yourself in your community? With your dh?  With a therapist? In a faith community? Finding a parenting group (Al Anon, Family to Family, NAMI are a few resources)? We have to take care of ourselves first.

Keeping you in my thoughts a prayers. Hoping you can let go of the need to have your DD be a happy part of the holidays so you can find a few moments of the joy in the day.

qcr