New and need advice

[PyneappleDays]

Hi, I'm new here, I can't remember if I've posted anything.  I can't find if I did.

My daughter is 18.  Apparently I can't legally do anything to her to help. She ran away a year ago, no money no education but a lot of tattoo and piercing. (Go figure).  She's been collecting welfare for about as long as she’s been out.  Who knew you could get money for nothing.

We keep in contact or a least I try, her father and his family have completely disowned her (I known that he's seen her at least once but he denies it) I have long suspected that he has BPD as well.  I know someone will say I'm just speculating or I just don't like my ex.  He and my daughter have the same personalities and he has burn marks on his hand.

So my questions are this: How do they (BPD's) handle the lack of education.

What should I steer her towards?

How do you handle this as a parent (lack of education)?

I refuse to be an open bank account.  There's no sense replacing something that will just get stolen again.

The places she lives? How often they move?  I won't go near them (call me a snob; I came from a foster home worked my way into my job and my house.)

How do you handle a partner (husband) who is a little hostel to her ungratefulness?  I am working on their relationship.

I just look at her potential and it's killing me.  Her father is another story.

PyneappleDays

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Hi PyneappleDays:  

Can you tell us a little more about your daughter.  Has she been diagnosed BPD?  When did this start and what was your relationship like before she moved out. I am glad that you keep in contact with her, our children need our support as best we can.  I think I used to be a "snob" when it came to education.  I put myself through college and reaped the rewards of working hard and getting a good education.  My older daughter nonBPD, went through High School a great college and now has a good job.  This is what I EXPECTED AND I THOUGHT WAS RIGHT. I captialize that because my DD18 path did not follow my mold.  She struggled in high school after the first two years and went from a high 90 average to barely getting herself out.  I struggled with this for a long time until I realized that it is her life and she is not here to fill my expectations.  We all have the best of intentions and want the best for our kids but sometimes they follow a different path.  I have learned to change my expectations.  The old saying you can't fit a square peg in a round hole.  I am here to support my DD however I can in finding her path in life. I have my boundaries and will not be an open bank. She has to work for what she wants but I am willing to work along with her. 

Does she know you are there for her?  Thats the most important.

Griz

[PyneappleDays]

My daughter was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago.  I suspect that she was struggling before but her father moved her out of the province.  I thought something’s wrong. She bagged to come back and he wasn't doing anything.  When she moved back in with me I had her accessed.  She was see a councillor and on medication. The minute she was diagnosed she started using it as an excuse to get out of things, one of the rules was she had to attend school without question as well as a therapist.  I told her 1 night you’re not going out (there were other things lying stealing, smoking pot).  She ran away and her father scoped her out to another province again.  She ran away again.  Her father stopped all contact with her so I brought her back here.  This way she has someone.  Even though it's driving me nuts.  Running away seems to be her coping mechanism or leverage.  It use toget me to say ok you can come back and you can do whatever as long as you’re safe.

I decided to stop allowing it.  I set up rules of the house so she has told me she's never coming back.

The highest education she has is grade 11, she has 8 more credits her grades could be 80 or 90 I've seen it, but she complains about difficult focusing.  I keep on her about going back.  I'd be happy even if she had a trade.

I have read walking on eggshells and a couple of other books which helped me with the boundaries.  I still feel guilty and exhausted.

It has always been the 2 of us from age 4 till she was 13.  We had a good relationship up until she turned 13.  Her father disappeared and would show up when it was good for him.  When she was 13 and seen that he had more money than me (she told me this after).  After that we fought a lot.  But always close.  I'm her mother first never a friend.  

Sorry about the rambling

PyneappleDays

[vivekananda]

Hi PyneappleDays   

Welcome to our 'family' here, I am glad you have joined us.

You have had a difficult time trying to negotiate your life with your dd (dear daughter) with her coming and going and the added difficulty of her father. Did you know that there can be a genetic component to BPD? It is a complex condition and I think it requires a lot of reading before we can get to understand it.

My dd is 32 now. We have limited contact. We are not open purses for her either, and since we put our boundaries regarding money into place, things have been better for all of us I think. I understand what you mean when you say you are not a friend but a mother. I think that when our children become adults that our relationship with our children has to change and I know that is something that is so hard when your dd has BPD. Because your girl is 18, she is now legally adult. In theory you should be able to have an adult relationship with her. Not so easy, is it?

I see you have done some reading to help you understand. Have you read Valerie Porr's book: Overcoming BPD? It is an excellent book that most of us parents find helpful. Can I suggest you explore boundaries a little more... . are you boundaries based on your values? Did you consciously work on them that way? I have found that it made so much difference to how I felt to go through that process. Here is a link to a workshop on values based boundaries: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

There are lots of valuable sources of information here, I would like to encourage you to familiarise yourself with what is available.

I wouldn't be worried about her getting an education at the moment. If I were you I would be focussed on trying to just improve my relationship with her. I think her health is the most important thing. Is she seeing a therapist?

Cheers,

Vivek    

ps you can see how many posts you have made on the top left and underneath your name and avatar