How to handle false accusations of cheating - need some skills

[hark]

Hello,

I have been reading and learning for days on these boards.  I have been separated for two months from a four year relationship with my uBPDbf. I am currently split black, and he is refusing all contact and communication.

At this point, my heart is still with him, and I want to keep trying for a healthier relationship with him. Throughout our four ears I have been split black and given the silent treatment for days, weeks, even months at a time. With one exception, all of our reunions have been from my reaching out to him, or keeping occasional contact with him so that he knew the door was still open.

This split is different in respect to what I believed triggered it, and the severity of the accusations. In the last year we became very close; he opened up in huge ways emotionally; he reacted in healthier ways to small stressors; etc. I really think he was trying to let himself feel safe and secure in a life-long relationship.

I believe the trigger this time was that we became pregnant, and then lost the baby. We mutually agreed to try for another child after this loss. All of the splits since this loss have been because he is convinced I've been unfaithful. It started with him expressing fears that he couldn't satisfy my sexually, and that he thought I would become unhappy and unfaithful. His idea to fix those fears was to give me "permission" to cheat, as long as he was notified in advance, and kept involved in that process. He said that the emotional side of our bond was worth dealing with me being with other men.

Of course I reacted badly because I was offended and completely against any sort of sexual relations outside of the relationship.

He didn't believe me. He started manipulating and manufacturing ways to get me to "open up" and "express my true sexual needs". He became paranoid about who I was friends with on social media. Finally, he disintegrated into the firm belief that I was cheating on him with multiple partners; that I have been cheating on him with dozens of people (men and women and family members) for the duration of our relationship, and that he would have accepted my promiscuity, but not my lying about it. He also accused me of giving him multiple STDs. (Side note: he told me in the beginning of our relationship that his ex-wife had cheated and given him herpes, but in four years he has NEVER had an outbreak, and takes no medication, and has not been diagnosed by a doctor for herpes... .so I wonder).

I have never cheated on him, nor have I given him any reason to think so. His beliefs are complete and utter delusions.

So, my question is, IF this current cycle follows the pattern of the others, and we end up having another go at it, HOW do I handle the infidelity accusations when they com up again? The way I've handled it in the past hasn't worked, and has been counterproductive. I get upset and vehemently defend myself. I offer proof of where I was when he thinks I've been out screwing someone, I've even asked to take a polygraph test. This method hasn't worked AT ALL. It only makes him angrier.

I'm looking to learn some skills to handle this when it comes up again.

If the mind of a pwBPD creates facts to match their emotions, will he rewrite the facts when I am painted white again? Will he "absolve me of my sins", or will he just accept that I am a cheater and live with it? I know that accusations of infidelity are common to BPD. Does anyone have any personal experience with how it played out for them?

And, yes, I am going to be tested for STDs myself next week in case his accusations are really projections.

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[DreamFlyer99]

Wow, all that sounds pretty intense! And i'm so sorry to hear about the baby, I went through that myself years ago, so I know it can be pretty tough.

Is there anything in your bf's history with you that leads you to believe he will "absolve" you? I know that one of the things I struggle with as a person is when someone says i'm something that I'm clearly not, so that would be really hard to have your bf accusing you of unfaithfulness when you are faithful. Dang.

Does he have a flip side where he can admit those things are untrue, or do they just stay part of his version of the story?

[MaybeSo]

I get upset and vehemently defend myself. I offer proof of where I was when he thinks I've been out screwing someone, I've even asked to take a polygraph test. This method hasn't worked AT ALL. It only makes him angrier.

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby.  Yes, this would be a huge trigger for him. Sigh.

Stop all JADE.  (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

When you do the above…two things happen.  It feeds into the delusion, which means you are feeding his  worst fear the more energy you put into defending.  For example… no one would put that much energy into arguing about something that is a compete and utter delusion….what if he said you were sleeping with little green men from Mars?  You wouldn’t go to great lengths to prove him wrong about that….you probably wouldn’t even be mad... just shocked and wondering what is wrong with his poor head, right?  If you start arguing and suggesting polygraphs both of you are going to start acting as if little green men maybe really are in your bed.  It will freak him out even more.  You reinforce and participate in the delusion by arguing.   Don’t legitimize his delusion. 

  Second, the accusations are a reflection of a very powerful, gut wrenching fear of his…when you argue about it…the fear and agony he is feeling isn’t being seen or addressed at all.  So he gets more and more frantic to be heard.  Find a simply worded, comforting assurance that you are not, in fact, cheating, and say it once and then stop. Do that while emotionally validating what he is feeling  (sickening fear that he is being betrayed or abandoned or humiliated... that would be an awful feeling…in other words…how would anyone feel if they really did have reason to suspect their lover was betraying them…it would be a horrible, horrible feeling…that is what he is feeling).  You can validate a horrible feeling…without validating the delusion. When the underlying emotional state gets addressed…it can be very soothing, and he may start to calm down b/c the sickening fear is being heard and addressed.   If he is getting verbally abusive or it’s escalating despite your efforts…tell him you have to stop this discussion b/c it’s not productive and you are feeling upset and need a break.  Take the break.  Do not keep entertaining this topic ad nauseum. If he will not let it go and it keeps coming up repeatedly…give a last calm reasurance that you are not betraying him, though you understand he must be in a lot of pain and you wish you could help …but you will not discuss this topic with him any longer.  And then don’t discuss it with him any longer.  This will mean probably having to leave the room or telling him you are going to hang up now, or taking space…you can tell him you would love to talk later as long it’s not about this topic.  You may have to do this quite a few times... but if you always disengage this way…over time he may stop doing this….or it may happen much less frequently.

Good luck to you.

[hark]

Thank you both for your replies. Losing the baby was and still is very tough. I am still struggling with my own depression from that, and I know that depression has not helped our relationship. These two months we've been apart have been so hurtful, but it has also given me the chance to lean on my support system and begin to heal from the loss of my baby. I've been self-reflecting a lot these days. I realize that I was not letting myself fully grieve because I was too busy focusing on repairing the relationship. But my focus on the relationship wasn't coming from a healthy place... .meaning that I JADEed all over the place because I was SO sensitive and so raw. All of his escalating false accusations just hurt and frustrated me, and I became almost desperate to prove my innocence to him. I was looking for mutual closeness and understanding... .you know? I was craving for him to fold me up in his arms and tell me we would get through it together; that we would be stronger for it. Meanwhile, he was throwing hardballs by accusing me of running around behind his back. The accusations became more resolute, and each time there would be more men added to the growing pile of my sexual conquests.

I'm realizing more and more how strong a person has to be to weather a relationship with a pwBPD. I wasn't in that strong place - I was in a needy place. I needed him to be there for US.

So, yeah, MaybeSo... .I totally see it now. Your analogy about the little green men is very helpful. I feel relieved in a sense. And I also feel like I understand his actions and reasons a lot better. Thank you.

DreamFlyer, I've thought about your question a lot. I can't think of any time where he has "absolved me" of things, but he has forgiven and moved on. But those things were not anything on the level of cheating. Actually, I can't even call those things accusations, they were more blaming and shaming for things like spending too much time with my family, or not taking his career and writing advice. Funny story, he has an ongoing thorn in his side because I haven't declared that I believe in Bigfoot. Ha ha ha! Seriously though, it's not funny to him. He thoroughly believes... .and I'm fine with that! I go with him on Bigfoot hikes. I take food with him into the forest. I take many, many photos for him so that he can look for blurry blobs in the distance. I search the internet for new videos and evidence for him. And I never question his belief or EVER laugh at him about it. You have no idea how many times it's come up. He'll say, "you don't even believe the evidence when it's right in front of your face. How can you be in the same place, seeing and hearing the same things as me, and not believe?" And I just tell him that I feel like an agnostic looking for a reason to believe. That I just haven't had that realization that he's had... .blah blah blah... .It's never enough for him. But he does forgive my stupidity for not believing in Bigfoot, and he reluctantly accepts it.

He has split virtually every person in his life black. I recognize that. He doesn't keep contact with those people (and if he does it's rare).

But... .I have noticed something about him in the last year or so. I think he is TRYING to see grey. When I first met him he had nothing good to say about his adoptive family or his birth family. He had only bad things to say about his exes. He had only bad things to say about his previous friends. All of them were flawed, bad people. I remember talking with him about that, and how I had close friendships with people for 10, 20, 35 years, and that those people weren't perfect, (and neither was I), and they sometimes did things that hurt me, but I loved them anyway for all the good things they were. I told him that my family members could be very hurtful, but I was committed to keeping those relationships throughout my life. We even discussed the very few people whom I had "cut out" of my life, but could still see good things about them.

Over the years he has adopted some of those mindsets. I haven't seen him put it in action to rekindle those lost relationships, but it has changed the way he talks about those people. He did have an ex-friend whom he had talked very badly about. That friend of his became terminally ill and eventually died. My bf was there at the time of his death and escorted his body to the morgue. He did not talk about his feelings, but I know it affected him. He didn't "absolve" this man of all of the things I was told he had done, but my bf stopped talking about the negative stuff and focused more on the things that he liked about his friend.

I honestly don't know if he modified his behavior to please me, or if he was mirroring my behavior, or if he was actually evolving emotionally. My feeling is that he was trying to have a normal way of seeing people, but having a hard time putting that concept into practice.

[LittleMissSisyphus]

My uBPD husband does this all the time but not to that extreme.  I'm not sure how much he believes his accusations,  all I know is that it is exhausting and I didn't know JADE was bad,  ,  go figure.

Here's a recent example:

On a very rare occasion, my DH was helping me sort clean clothes. He pulled out a pair of Joe boxers and started hounding me about whose they were.  Nevermind that my washer is broken and my mom had helped me do laundry at her house... .easily could've been a sibling's drawers or other possibilities. ... .They are our son's underwear that my mom bought (she shops at Kmart and likes Joe boxer). But because they were a medium (I've recently started buying DH large so this is roughly his size) they couldn't be our son's ! Surely I must've cheated on him,  and asked my mother to kindly wash the guy's undies along with the rest of our family's laundry!  It's so obvious! (Our son is slightly thicker than DH at that age.  That,  too,  is not only a source for insecurity (being potentially smaller than his son and less popular as well) but another reason to accuse me of cheating.  Said it about both kids.  I told him to have a paternity test done or shut up about it. So it's mostly these ridiculous jabs rather than feasible accusations. ... .mostly)

Ok so that wasn't as serious as other accusations so I am able to laugh about it but obviously it hurts to hear this all the time. It really wears on you.  My son is 13 now and being raised in this chaos isn't helping with being a teenager.  Doesn't help me decide if  keeping the family together is the right way to go.  I feel sorry for my kids because of this relationship.  I don't regret that we have kIds together but his BPD prevents him from being the dad he should be and sometimes makes it hard for me to be the mom (and dad) I have to be.

All I can say is that in my experience the pattern alters but it doesn't go away. If you can develop a thick skin and blow it off,  Maybe that's enough for you.  But before you get back together,  before you try again for a baby,  make sure you know that this is the fine print when you sign on the line.  I wish you all the strength in the world. ... .you're going to need it

[DreamFlyer99]

What MaybeSo said about JADEing, oh so true!

That was always my natural go-to. He was attacking me, so I was defending me. And it just made everything worse. (talk about triggering--he was triggering my hatred of him accusing me of things that "he should know" were not true, and me triggering him by defending and drawing him further into his stance against me! TRIGGERFEST!)

I love the "little green men" illustration, that makes so much sense.

Hark, the reason I asked the "absolve" question is that when I would be telling my therapist another example of what my h had done she would interrupt me and say, "so h was acting like h--"

*SIGH* I was constantly expecting him to do something totally out of character for him like apologize, or know who I am, or believe me (though I never asked him to believe in Bigfoot! ) when OF COURSE he was going to act just like himself.

You've reminded me of how I felt when I miscarried, and I was so full of hurt and anger that he couldn't be supportive of me and grieve together. I wanted that too, I needed that too, but it was like asking him to poop reindeer.

I'm so glad you realized your need to properly grieve for the loss of your baby! It's so easy to get caught up in reacting reacting reacting to whatever is happening with our BPD loved one and lose track of that self-care we so desperately need.

Great story about the Joe Boxers, LittleMissSisyphus! Oy!