how do I respond? So upset

[honeysuckle]

I have remained no contact over a month. He did try to text but I did not respond. I was minimal contact before that month and we have been over for 3 months. Yesterday my 13 and 11 year old children came home from their first day back to school and said He texted us to ask about our first day and that he misses us very much and said maybe we could do dinner one day again. My kids were very close to him the 4 years we were together.

I thought maybe this is a way to get to me to answer. Or maybe he was just being inappropriately nice knowing they would be nervous of their first day but the dinner thing made me mad. We are over. You left us ALL of us... .Whats with the texting now?


I have spent the last day trying to process this.

Any thoughts?

[MommaBear]

My humble opinion below:

If he's not the father of your kids, maintain NC, and please tell your children to do the same.

Block his number, have the kids do the same, and stay strong!

[Tausk]

Are you done?  or are you undecided?  You're going to get very different answers and from what I've seen, people who are unsure and stay on this board, hurt themselves and their children.

Because from what I've seen, half measure just feed the Disorder.

If you're done, you ex should not be texting your children.  He should not have their numbers.  He should not be in contact with them unless you are around.

He is a mentally unstable crazy person.   And crazy is as crazy does.   Why would you leave your children vulnerable to a crazy person?  A pwBPD has no boundaries and can not take responsibility for his actions.  Basically his actions are sociopathic.  And he will use your children sociopathically to meet his emotional needs at the moment.

And remember his emotional state is that of crazy terrified traumatized three year old.

And if he is is BPD, then that truth is that he really don't give two shts about you kids, because he can't really care about anyone unless they can help him.  He can't even remember their faces, and doesn't think about them unless to use them as a pawn.

How much impulse control does your ex have?  Can he apologize?   Does he lie and deny lying?  Is he prone to fits of rage?  Is there very much outside of the realm of possible irrational responses from him?   Can he take responsibility for his transgressions?  Has he changed at all or grown up since you've known him?

Answer the above questions, and then answer the question of why would someone provide the above person with unmonitored interaction with their children?

Escalate as necessary.  Establish a boundary, File a police report, Get an RO.

If you're in denial, or you want to leave the door open for future engagements, don't worry he'll text again and again... .and it's very possible that your children will suffer, because as it is, they are in the conduit between you right now.  

The Disorder takes the lives and souls of adult partners.  Think about what it can do to children.  

[Hope0807]

Contacting YOUR kids post a breakup is WAY crazy and scary…not to mention totally disrespectful of your given rights as the parent of those children.  If you don't feel confident to do it on your own, contact a licensed professional child psychologist to help you firmly explain that safety and absolute distance is a must from someone who is mentally unbalanced and not their biological parent.  For the sake of everyone's safety and sanity, there IS a way to break down the uniqueness of this breakup in kid-friendly terms to this to an 11 and 13 year old.  The kids need to mourn this relationship too and it's very difficult for children to properly process adult relationships…especially when people they have bonded with are no longer around.   

I have remained no contact over a month. He did try to text but I did not respond. I was minimal contact before that month and we have been over for 3 months. Yesterday my 13 and 11 year old children came home from their first day back to school and said He texted us to ask about our first day and that he misses us very much and said maybe we could do dinner one day again. My kids were very close to him the 4 years we were together.

I thought maybe this is a way to get to me to answer. Or maybe he was just being inappropriately nice knowing they would be nervous of their first day but the dinner thing made me mad. We are over. You left us ALL of us... .Whats with the texting now?


I have spent the last day trying to process this.

Any thoughts?

[letmeout]

After experiencing a BPD spouse I know for certain that he is using your children by  pretending that he cares about their first day of school.

Only he knows what his ulterior motive is. BPD people can never be trusted, but its so easy to be lulled into a sense that you can trust them (even when you know better) because they are masters of persuasion.

[honeysuckle]

Thank you for your help.

[MommaBear]

After experiencing a BPD spouse I know for certain that he is using your children by  pretending that he cares about their first day of school.

Only he knows what his ulterior motive is. BPD people can never be trusted, but its so easy to be lulled into a sense that you can trust them (even when you know better) because they are masters of persuasion.

Well said. My ex uses our child ALL THE TIME.