How do you know it time to throw in the towel

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am at my wits end, i have endured years of false acqusations from affairs to oggling to pervision etc ... .- it just never seems to stop, in fact it is getting worse.

I hate it, i hate my life and i want off this freakin insane ride.

Maybe i just answered my own question.

If so, where do you start ?   

[moonunit]

I am at my wits end, i have endured years of false acqusations from affairs to oggling to pervision etc ... .- it just never seems to stop, in fact it is getting worse.

I hate it, i hate my life and i want off this freakin insane ride.

Maybe i just answered my own question.

If so, where do you start ?   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey moonunit, Are you a Zappa fan?  In my experience, it is unlikely to diminish and, as you suggest, can get significantly worse.  The question is: when do you want to get off the Crazy Train?  It's a tough question, I know, and if you're like me, you are already running on empty.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[moonunit]

Thank you, and yes the tank is pretty empty

[Hopeless777]

There will come a time when you say it's enough. Took me years of abuse before I finally left. You will know. Get yourself prepared.

[Pingo]

Finding a good therapist to help me find the right decision with clarity was what it took for me... .And helped with the grief you will inevitably feel after you make the decision... .also finding time away alone from the situation to reflect without being mixed up in all the high emotions was very helpful in allowing me to trust my decision.

[Tausk]

After three plus years on this board and close to 500 posts, your question is one that only you can answer.  You know the answer, but can you execute the decision.

When does a heroin junkie know when to stop?

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired.  

Or does the thought of being apart too fearful.  Only you can decide.  

Many people don't recover.  Just like the alcoholic, some people live in the familiar pain until it eats away at them.  Many people lose their entire lives to the Disorder.   We all know couples that exist only through the contempt and hatred that they feel for each other and the even more so the the hatred that they feel for themselves because they were too afraid to try and live a better life.  

So they settled for the hell of the Disorder, and in the end it's all that they know and all they have.  

[Tibbles]

You'll know - for me it was when I felt I was going to break apart for good. Time to go. I agree with Hopless777 advice - get prepared. Have a plan of how you are going to leave and where you are going to go cause it is so very difficult to  leave and for me my emotions ruled and my ability to think clearly went out the door. Good luck

[Blimblam]

When you trust your gut instinct within and listen to whatever it tells you

[Lucky Jim]

Agree w/Blimblam: go with your gut feelings. 

Try to think from the neck down.  Chances are, your head is still lost in the F-O-G that those w/BPD are so adept at creating . . .

LuckyJim

[seeking balance]

You know when you know - I hated hearing that, but it was true... .there was a day when I know I had to save myself.

If so, where do you start ?   

Get the best Therapist for you and Attorney you an afford - both are critical.

[expos]

You will know when - when you observe how good your life will be WITHOUT them.  You will realize, at some point, that your world can be one of great hope, fun, love, you name it ON YOUR OWN. 

In order for a relationship to work, TWO parties need to really work at being the best for, care for, and support for one another.  Even a good relationship has it's struggles, but it's how you overcome problems and work together based on equal, mutual respect.

A bad relationship is when someone doesn't want to put in the effort, works against, or abuses the other party.  After several infractions, you need to assess when to cut ties with a person.   

More importantly, a relationship should be just an "addition" to a GREAT life you have built for YOURSELF.  You absolutely need to be at place where you love yourself in order to contribute effectively to this relationship. 

It's a bit cold of me to think of it this way - but you need to see it almost like a business approach.  Getting rid of a bad product to SURVIVE no matter how much personal investment you have in it.   

[Heartandsole]

I can't take credit for this as it is a "repost" but someone said something that struck me and it was something like "You will leave when the pain of staying is greater that the fear of leaving"

I can relate to what you are going through Expos.  I am in the period between deciding and filing my uBPDw of 10 years.  It is brutal and I am guilt ridden.

I can tell you that the concept they use on the airplane when they say "put on your own oxygen mask before you can help your child"  I realized that I was completely out of gas and had no more energy to work on US and had to put on my own oxygen mask.  I could barely take care of myself, ans so there was no way I could take care of someone else.

I also began seeing my codependency issues and realizing that if I stayed, I was going to stay co-dependent, and I want to learn and grow as a person, and I want her to learn and grow, and together we are going to stifle that process, so it's the best for both of us not to be together... .but it's hard when your rational intellect and your emotional heart don't agree.

In the end you are the one that has to make the decision and live with it.  I went around trying to find validation from others and I was confused with all the chatter in my head, it took a few months of a separation to center myself and quiet down enough to listen to myself. 

Take care of yourself, eat healthy, get more sleep, stop using/abusing if you are, and see if you can find a peaceful space to retreat to. 

You are not alone, it's hard to know what the right thing to do is.  Period.

[biglearningcurve]

How do you know it time to throw in the towel

« on: August 15, 2014, 02:48:00 PM »

Reply with quoteQuote 


I am at my wits end, i have endured years of false acqusations from affairs to oggling to pervision etc ... .- it just never seems to stop, in fact it is getting worse.

I hate it, i hate my life and i want off this freakin insane ride.

Maybe i just answered my own question.

If so, where do you start ?   

Hi Moon unit.

I can feel the years of pain in your brief post.

I would suggest it starts when you believe you are worth the effort it will take to leave and rebuild your life and self worth.

[Recooperating]

I just couldnt anymore. I came to a point where my exBP didnt even have a really bad anger episode... But I couldnt take another apology. I didnt wanna hear it. Again he accused me of ridiculous things... .After 14 years off on and off pushing pulling, abussive behaviour I had gotten burned out completely. I wasnt able to work anymore, the stress and the nonsense kept on going. I feel guilty for leaving him, he didnt ask for this disorder! But it is never ok to let it affect your health! We shouldnt take the verbal abuse personally, i know that, but in the end its just as hurtfull as physical abuse. Yet with physical abuse "people and therapists" will tell you to leave right away. I sometimes wonder why that isnt the case with verbal and emotional abuse. I came to a point after 14 years that my empathy was gone. I also hated the highes he had, i hated being on the peddistle, cause I knew I would be kicked off and hated any minute.

People break up all the time over different things. With BPs we find it hard, thats quite odd. If he or she wasnt BP, would you have left already? I would have a long time ago. I still love my exBP to death, but the relationship is too unhealthy and it affected me to a point I was unable to function. We are both hurt. BP sucks.

[Witchway]

When things just got too damn scary. 

[Pieter2]

When you realise he/she has BPD. That's when.