A Perfect Description of BPD in Spouse

[takingandsending]

Hi all. I came across this on the web from a young woman who has BPD. She has been in long term therapy and gave this description, which fits nearly exactly what my wife has been saying to me for over a decade. It is a starting place for understanding. It explains some of the seemingly undecipherable language that my uBPDw uses - "not being in her body", "routine is critical", why she totally disrespects my boundaries because I am inconsistent with them. I hope it benefits those of you trying to understand, trying to make your relationship work.

"Another ongoing struggle for me is that my boundaries seem really fragile. At times, I feel like my sense of self is shattered and bits of me are lying everywhere. This is a very vulnerable and threatening feeling. Boundaries are what keep you intact as a person. They let you know where you end and others begin. Having a sense of boundaries helps you know you are in control of your own behaviour. Losing those boundaries can feel like you are flowing everywhere, like spilled milk.

When I lose my boundaries, I so want someone else to be able to understand how I feel and help me put all the pieces back together. But it also feels threatening for anyone else to come too close to me. I tend to dissociate a lot during these times, which is like spacing out and not really feeling like you’re inside your body.

While others can support me in re-establishing boundaries, it seems like it has to be an inside job. I need to regain the sense of control over my own behaviour. Grounding myself and being connected with my body is important. I need to be able to define what is safe for me. It can be a long process, over the course of weeks.

When my sense of self is unstable, it helps when people in my life are clear about their boundaries with me and keep them consistent. I feel more in control of my own behaviour when I know what others expect from me. For example, knowing that my therapy session will end at the same time every week is important because then I know I can’t do things to try and extend it. It may be hard for me in the moment when people set those boundaries, but it is better in the long term. Having a consistent routine in my life also gives me the feeling that life is predictable and helps me feel more secure.

Another recurring theme to do with BPD is referred to in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) diagnostic criteria as, “chronic feelings of emptiness.”1 I think saying it that way makes it sound so benign. The actual experience is a lot more raw. It’s an intense kind of longing . . . as if someone you really love has died and you want them back terribly.

Even though I have created a support network for myself, sometimes I still struggle with a colossal sense of aloneness. It comes like a tidal wave and sweeps away all memory of connections to people. I may have seen someone an hour ago, but I can’t remember how it felt to be with them."

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