Mourning the disease

[Hawk Ridge]

I just read a lovely quote on here about depersonalizing what feels so personal.  Excellent.  Through the last several months of feeling as if BPD and it's unkind bedfellow, depression, has stolen the woman I love, I have felt shame over her degradation, demeaning, and finally her dissertion of me for another woman.  This quote, and a lot of therapy for my own PTSD and depression now, helped.  Lately, as I have been working on getting myself back together while hoping we have another chance to make it work, I have begun to realize part of my depression is attributed to the fact I am mourning her disease.   She has been through so much trauma to arrive at this place of dissociation and relational instability to be so sad, so lost, so empty, so hopeless.  Has anyone else felt this horrible pain at the realization their loved one suffers from a disorder that seems hopeless unless they finally obtain the willingness to stop the pain? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Samuel S.]

Yeah, I am feeling the pain due to the mourning of the disease big time for quite some time. I am angry that my BPDw duped me. I am angry with myself because of this. I am sad that she has suffered so much, although she has gotten traditional and non-traditional therapies throughout the years. Due to her abusive mother and having lost a child who was only 7 1/2 years old some 15 years ago, she has a lot on her plate. Due to all this, she has gotten a "medium counselor's" help to feel better. On the other hand, the ramification is that she prefers to be away from me. I don't want her to suffer at all, but she has chosen to stay away, probably due to the fact that she doesn't want to get too close to anyone, not alone myself.

So, yes, I am mourning the disease big time, and I feel trapped. If you could quote your help, perhaps, it could help many others and myself. Believe me, I have been taking it out on myself in so many ways personally, although I am extremely satisfied with my professional work, and others feel the same way. Ironic, huh?

[takingandsending]

Hello Hawk Ridge. I too am in the grieving stage, although like Samuel S I also am working with self betrayal anger. It can seem very hopeless, but this site is about learning the tools for healing - if not your SO who must make her own choices, then definitely yourself. It is helping me to share my feelings, and I am glad that you have taken the time to post here. The only thing that we can do is to not make it worse through self care and learning. I encourage you to read the lessons on this board and possibly do some good things for yourself daily. Living with PBD takes it's emotional toll on us, and dealing with a partner that has left can make the send of isolation worse. Please take care of yourself now and keep posting. Feeling for you in your grief.