what sort of family dynamic is created in a household with an adult son with BPD

[stuckgirl]

suppose the son in his mid 20s and stays at the home,what kind of relationship is developed with the parents?what kind of relationships with brothers and sisters?

and what if the family members were unaware that the son had BPD,how would that unfold?

im not being curious,im bothered about my fiance and how he is treated,and treats the others.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I think you will be able to get a sense of this when you read posts of parents with children with BPD, or siblings with BPD... .the family dynamics will become clearer.

[chooselove]

In our case, the relationships deteriorated one by one until the adult child decided to estrange from everyone and move out.  While living in the home there were periods of calm, periods of joy and periods of rages, and a growing mistrust and analysis by the BPD of the extended family. She decided we were all heartless narcissists.  She was an innocent amongst brutal uncaring people. This was her reality.  She was torn at times and struggled with her judgment against us but over time the demons won because the bad thoughts are the belief she is invested in supporting and proving. Our story is not over yet and in the end good will prevail... .for all of us.  We are all limited here on earth with what we can do, given our own flaws and mistakes and inability to have a true enough deep enough empathy.  It's impossible to achieve without giving up your life, your home and your principles.  We try our best and extend grace to ourselves and to her.  We believe she has the best chance being out on her own where she can't blame others with the veracity that she blamed us since they do not have the history.   

[Kate4queen]

my second son 23 has BPD and unfortunately his presence in our home created a war zone with other siblings and us. his parents, having to choose 'a side'. And if it wasn't his... .he made life very miserable for everyone. Eventually, we had to make the decision to move away from him when he started in on his little sister. So we support him financially, he lives in a nice apartment with his younger brother. He hates his older brother and the feeling is mutual. He hates us, which makes us very sad and he can't get at his young sister. Son #3 is totally in his camp and that causes friction between him and everyone else in the family.

We don't get drawn into arguments, we try and remain reasonable, listen to his point of view and engage when necessary, but not seeing him and not living in the same house with all the anger has been a blessing for all of us. Probably him too if he stopped to think about it.

[lever.]

Yes-splitting, and trying to force parents to "choose sides".

Distress for everyone till situation completely breaks down in one way or another.

Perhaps estrangement between parents and siblings or between parents and adult child wBPD-usually NC between BPD person and siblings.

Perhaps a gradual re-building of bridges after everything falls apart?

[sparrowfarfrom home]

In my case with a UBPD mom and UBPD younger sister-conversations were basically very selfish. When they needed something or took issue with something i was doing"wrong" in my life--in other words to criticize or set the record straight-- they would want to have a "conversation" My UBPD maternal grandmother this this too. That was the only time they were interested in having a  (one sided) conversation. And that would be a "conversation" attacking you of course.

Since they did not know how to handle their own anxiety ( they've always been codependant and for the last 8 yrs are living with each other) they needed to wrangle someone else in to be the scapegoat to blame-that was my role. Once the blame was well and properly dished out they were releived of some of the anxiety --until of course the next time they would have some stress, and then the cycle would repeat.

But as for mutually loving or encouraging conversations, or conversations about life and our observations about it--they did not ever exist.

AFM my BPD family members were/are not very enlightened people with nuanced thought processes. They are so busy defending/being in endless cycles of conflict/keeping account of the slights and mistreatments done to them by others-they don't have any energy or time  or loving positivity left to wonder in awe at the beauty of the world around them and want to share that with the ones they love.

It is very unfortunate b/c I have seen glimmers of the good hearted people they are inside if even just for fleeting moments. Too bad they are encaged by the prison that is BPD.

[stuckgirl]

Yes-splitting, and trying to force parents to "choose sides".

Distress for everyone till situation completely breaks down in one way or another.

Perhaps estrangement between parents and siblings or between parents and adult child wBPD-usually NC between BPD person and siblings.

Perhaps a gradual re-building of bridges after everything falls apart?

thanks a lot for responding

my SO says that he no longer communicates with his family,because it seems to him that he's saying the same old things over and over to them,has nothing new to say, and they dont get what he means.he says he feels now as if he is a burden to them.

is this common feeling for pwBPD?

also if anyone could help me with this,what if he had a break up in the middle of feeling this way,i mean he stays at home voluntarily having quit a high paying job,he feels as if it is the lowest period in his life in which he feels worthless ugly,unloved by me,what is the worst that might happen or that he might do if a situation life this might develop? any insights from people's experiences?

SO is 'waif' and seemed high functioning at our r/s's starts,but seems to have gotten very depressed and low functioning now.

[js friend]

HI stuckgirl,

Going back to the family dynamics... .Yes the splitting was awful when my dd19 lived at home. She "hated" all of us, thought she could just come and go as she pleased,wouldnt speak to any of us for lengthy periods of time,couldnt be trusted to be at home alone, was demanding, sarcastic and caused a lot of drama between everyone., would cause many arguments between her siblings and just go to bed and leave them at it ... .It was a total nightmare!

But is funny you should mention that your SO talks about feeling like a burden to his family. MY dd said the exact same thing after she returned home after spending 2 days out of our home the first time after she had"runaway".

As for your SO going from high functioning to low functioning PwBPD definitley have very thin emotional skins and It sounds as if your SO is depressed to me.Myabe his job got too much for him to cope with as pwBPD are not good with dealing with stress and anxiety. My dd has started college 4 times and not completed a whole course yet, and has had only 1 job that lasted for a few weeks.Im just guessing here but  if you are at home in the day too it could be a reason for your SO to jack in his job to spend as much time with you as possible. pwBPD hate to be alone or feel like they are alone .My dd was the same when she first met her b/f. She wanted to spend all day and everyday with him and couldnt seem to focus on anything else or let him focus on anything else, and if she wast with him she would be calling him all the time... .Poor boy.

I have checked out a few Bpd websites out there to further my own insights and I suppose to get a real understanding You could pose your question, but i think the best thing would be for your SO to speak to a professional.It is good that he is willing to open up to you but He needs professional help from a t that is experienced in BPD.