How to Handle Disrespecting Tantrums from a BPD Woman

[WisdomSeeker]

After 3 years living with BPD girlfriend and a 5 year relationship, I discovered my girlfriend was having an affair with a guy she met job networking as she was laid off. She is a high functioning BPD. It devastated me as I was already going through bankruptcy and suppose to be laid off from my job soon. But I packed my stuff and moved out when she was out with her girlfriends. I left a note and said only good things except that I knew about the affair. Three weeks without contact and then she started making excuses to contact me. I said I wasn't interested in talking when she wanted to discuss unresolved issues. After another month, she then made more concerted efforts to contact me. She then started asking for help with her dogs that I absolutely love and miss. She had me take care of them when she went on travel a few times. She continued showing signs of wanting to get back with me. Then one time, one of the dogs got seriously sick and she called me to support her emotionally by going with her to the emergency hospital. She definitely relies on me emotionally. But then she started rearing her ugly personality and started talking down to me and disrespecting me when I was at her place having dinner as she was thanking me for watching her dogs. She then said that we don't have any chemistry. She is now paying to go to speed dating and not showing any interest in me. I know now that she is using me to help her with the dogs.

I know that women continually test men to see if they are healthy or not. But I read that BPD women test 10 times as much as a regular woman. I now realize that I didn't pass her tests. My pattern of defending myself is a turn off to her. I need to not react to her complaints and show that I am emotionally in charge of myself and not affected by her childish tantrums. When she use to do this, I would leave and tell her I wasn't going to put up with this nonsense. But when you live with someone and put so much time and energy in trying to make them happy, it becomes difficult to respond correctly to their bad behavior.

Can anyone provide advice or suggest some reading material on how to best respond when a BPD woman starts disrespecting you? I know I need to regain respect for myself as well. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thank you so much for reading!

[rg1976]

WisdomSeeker - Stop enabling her BPD behavior.  She'll treat you however you let her treat you.  Remove yourself from the situation and surround yourself with healthy women who wouldn't dare treat you that way.

I've had my own struggles with a BPD woman I loved with all of my heart.   The only way to win is not to play.

You have to take yourself out of the unhealthy situation, you have to want to do it.

There is nothing that can be done to help her be more respectful.  If she doesn't respect you as you are, no amount of gaming her is going to work.

[WisdomSeeker]

Hi RG1976. Thanks for responding. She use to show me respect for many years. But I fell on hard times financially and that led to her abuse. I am working on fixing my financial problems, but it takes years to come back.

[rg1976]

WS - A true friend and companion would love and respect you no matter what your financial status.  She may even *gasp* contribute to your financial well-being or be your provider in times of need.  All of this without the slightest hint of disrespect.

This, my friend, is what you should seek.

[myself]

BPD women test 10 times as much as a regular woman. I now realize that I didn't pass her tests.

I think the number's closer to a thousand, with many men who are like this, too. Either way, we can never fully prove ourselves to someone who has BPD. This disorder denies itself. It mocks and twists the truth. Toxic smoke and broken mirrors. Why should we be tested by someone we're close with? Held to standards they don't live themselves? We're adults. We have choices. To respect or disrespect. To take or give abuse or not. To stay or go. To face the facts or keep dreaming. Is she your gf or your ex? She's not your kid. She's choosing to be with others instead of you, let them handle the tantrums. Or not. Walking away can be difficult, and more peaceful.

[WisdomSeeker]

Thank you all for your posts. I have been trying to forgive her for her cheating (no apology ever received) because I threatened abandonment, prior to her cheating, which was the worst thing I could do. Also, we hadn't had sex in 18 months as she stopped our intimacy right when we were doing it.

I love those dogs. I walked them everyday for 3 years. They are all rescues and they are attached to me.

I know that she will drive everyone away sooner than later. I thought that I could adapt and do a better job of validating her.

But again, can anyone recommends some materials or the best way to respond to tantrums?

[letmeout]

When my ex would get out of control with his raging, I would ask 'do you need me to call an ambulance?' That sometimes would make him stop his tantrum. Mostly because they know their behavior is crazy, and they fear ending up in the loony bin.

[woofhound]

I like to elaborate on what Tausk said about getting out of there... .

(clears throat)

RUUUUUUUUUUUN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GET THE F* OUTTA THERE! FORGET THOSE DOGS, AND GET THE F* OUT!

Mine cheated on me... .It was my fault of course and we weren't together (the lies she told everyone), but in reality we were together. Not only that but I was paying a pretty penny for relationship counseling... .Everything to them boils down to "what can I get". What can I get from my S/O, what can I get from my friends, what can I get from this new guy i'm screwing, what can I, ME ME ME, I want, give me... .

You aren't dealing with an adult. My friend, you have entered the realm of a damaged child in the (probably very sexy body) of an adult... .

RUN!