This happened and it really has me down..

[rg1976]

So, my pwBPD has been distancing herself for a few months. Rather than just let her go and be done with it, I tried to keep up contact.

She decided she is "scared" and that my repeated attempts to contact her amount to stalking, so she contacted the police and they came to my house and gave me a "friendly warning".

She has nothing to charge me with, but at this point, I'm afraid of false accusations.

She sent me a text the day after I was contacted which read:

"I know the police contacted you, I am here for you if you want to talk, but only on the phone. Don't come by my house or work."

To which I want to say:  BS. She hasn't been "here for me" for months. 

Anyway, the anxiety of having legal liability when dealing with my pwBPD is much worse than the anxiety of being away from her and etc.  She may or may not know it, but this is the end of the line for me. I blocked her on everything I could think of, and the only reason I know about that text is because I checked my blocked inbound texts and saw it.

To be honest, it kind of upset me, but oh well.

Please give me some no contact support. I have a feeling I will need to be reminded how dangerous this girl is for me.

Thanks so much forum!

[willtimeheal]

Wow. So sorry this has happened to you. I am glad to hear you blocked her on everything. No contact is the way to go. Stay strong. You can do this. You deserve so much better.

[fromheeltoheal]

The cops could be the good news, the thing that finally pushed you over the edge and invigorated a commitment to be done with her; my "ah-ha" moment was when she kicked me out of our room on vacation and spent most of it with her daughter, and I was left alone in foreign countries.  Sometimes enough is enough.

So think about it: if she was ordered, you could do something like meet at a neutral place like Starbucks or whatever, and have a cordial conversation, agree on the terms of your separation, and go your own ways wishing each other well.  That would never happen with a borderline, if something similar went down it would surely include more bullsht, so it's best to cut your losses and start focusing on the future instead of the past, a bright future without her.

Lots of stuff will come up for you once you leave her orbit, all good stuff, all fuel for growth, something to look forward to, and also a good reason to take very good care of yourself right now.  It's a process.  Take care of you!

[myself]

If you want to be with her, she's made it clear. Leave her alone.

If you're done with her, make it clear to yourself. Leave her alone.

Why did you keep trying? (We've all been there/had our reasons.)  

[Tausk]

So, my pwBPD has been distancing herself for a few months. Rather than just let her go and be done with it, I tried to keep up contact.

She decided she is "scared" and that my repeated attempts to contact her amount to stalking, so she contacted the police and they came to my house and gave me a "friendly warning".

She has nothing to charge me with, but at this point, I'm afraid of false accusations.

She sent me a text the day after I was contacted which read:

"I know the police contacted you, I am here for you if you want to talk, but only on the phone. Don't come by my house or work."

To which I want to say:  BS. She hasn't been "here for me" for months.  

Anyway, the anxiety of having legal liability when dealing with my pwBPD is much worse than the anxiety of being away from her and etc.  She may or may not know it, but this is the end of the line for me. I blocked her on everything I could think of, and the only reason I know about that text is because I checked my blocked inbound texts and saw it.

To be honest, it kind of upset me, but oh well.

Please give me some no contact support. I have a feeling I will need to be reminded how dangerous this girl is for me.

Thanks so much forum!

This is good. Clear boundaries have been set. If you have been trying to contact her and she has not wanted it... .it is stalking.  The obsessive/compulsive component of people on this side of the board is clear. And if I were your ex, I'd be scared also and have called the cops.

So the lines have been set.  If you cross, you will have an RO and your reputation for the rest of your life will be affected.  Jobs will be denied.  Apartments denied.  Women won't date you. Your family will be embarrassed.  You friends will no longer trust you. You will never be able to volunteer with vulnerable people... .

It's a public record and a big label.   A label that says you are a dangerous person in the community with limited frustration tolerance, limited ability to self soothe, and limited impulse control.

Therefore, after this warning, if you are still thinking about contacting her again, then the issue is YOU!

And it's time for you to get some help.  And you need more than just support of hte board.  You need big time help.  Like some professional help.  

I say this, because it's past fun and games.  It's about long term damage.  Both to your psyche and to your reputation in the community.

If you are in denial about your issues, the Disorder will feed off of your denial. It will punish you to validate the dissolving of your interaction. It will punish you because the Disorder needs to punish people who care for them.  

If you can't stay away.  Pack up and move as quickly and as far away as you can.

Any interaction from this point onward is due to your mental health issues, and will only lead to further destruction.  

I know I've been down that path myself.

Look at how many of us on this board have RO's against us.  Right now you've just placed your chin on the tee and the Disorder is rearing back to knock it out of the park.  

Oh, and in the meantime, be sure to document all contact that she attempts with you, and all  your past contacts.  Because at this point even if you stay away, the Disorder can make things up.  The Disorder need relational drama.  You staying away does not provide it.  And remember she is Bat Sht Crazy. And Crazy Is as Crazy Does.

Be Afraid.  Be Very Afraid!

You've put yourself in a vulnerable position.  It's time to take care of yourself and seek the help that you need.

Good luck.   I hope you make it.

T

[rg1976]

T,

It wasn't that clear. She would invite me over for dinner one night, then the next night tel me she didn't want to see me anymore, and to leave her alone. Then, 3 days later she would invite me over again.

It was maddening, but yes, clear lines have been drawn. I had a pleasant discussion with the officer and asked him about her contact of me.  Sure enough 1 day later she texts and says she's concerned and will be there if I need to talk!

The officer said: "She can't have it both ways. You need to think about protecting yourself. So it's best to not engage with her in any way."

[Tausk]

T,

It wasn't that clear. She would invite me over for dinner one night, then the next night tel me she didn't want to see me anymore, and to leave her alone. Then, 3 days later she would invite me over again.

It was maddening, but yes, clear lines have been drawn. I had a pleasant discussion with the officer and asked him about her contact of me.  Sure enough 1 day later she texts and says she's concerned and will be there if I need to talk!

The officer said: "She can't have it both ways. You need to think about protecting yourself. So it's best to not engage with her in any way."

I was not judging you, and I glad you are not out of control.  It was not clear from your original post.  I was just stating it in stark terms so that the realities were clear in case you were stalking. I know that stalked... .FB, driving by her mom's to see if she was in town, stalking her FB friends... .so I understand.

And that is why I also said document any interaction between you.  The line has been drawn.  And remember she is crazy.  If she called the cops once, no matter how nice she is to you, she'll call them again at some point.  She will feel bad and ashamed inside, and she will need to project and punish, and she will try to do it to you.

Make sure she has nothing to pin on you.

It's a Disorder.  It's a mental illness.  It's Bat Sht Crazy.  And the Disorder feeds on drama, destruction, punishment and distortion.  

Stay away.

Be well.

T

[tired-of-it-all]

I would find a way to document that text.  Forward it to an email.  Also take a digital photo of it on your phone.  Get a copy of the phone record where she sent it to you.  Then, and this is the really hard part, forget about the b**ch.  She will lure you in and have you locked up.  Don't go there man. 

You really, really deserve better.  She is obviously trouble.  Serious trouble.  Don't respond to that text just document and then ignore her.

[Vatz]

Well that sucks. Good thing you're not talking to her. Keep up NC, it's good for ya.

I think that thing she says about being there if you need to talk... .after accusations, man that's something I could not ever conceive. Like if you asked me to write a book about a disordered person, I could not come up with that if I had a lifetime.

[FindingWings]

Dude,

It won't matter two s#$%s what you text her. You could tape a message onto a pony, or have a singing telegram delivered and it will result in more of the same. My ex is in therapy and has people around her that I'm absolutely sure are aware of her 'eccentricities,' shall we say? Each and every time we have what I believe to be a meaningful conversation it is dissected and restructured to suit her reality within 2-24 hours. Here's an analogy for you:

"I can go outside, lie down on my driveway and bang my head on the cement for as long as I wish. When I stop? It feels pretty good.''

[willtimeheal]

Dude,

It won't matter two s#$%s what you text her. You could tape a message onto a pony, or have a singing telegram delivered and it will result in more of the same. My ex is in therapy and has people around her that I'm absolutely sure are aware of her 'eccentricities,' shall we say? Each and every time we have what I believe to be a meaningful conversation it is dissected and restructured to suit her reality within 2-24 hours. Here's an analogy for you:

"I can go outside, lie down on my driveway and bang my head on the cement for as long as I wish. When I stop? It feels pretty good.''

This is so true. Mine is in therapy and even with the therapy the conversation and reality is restructured to fit her needs. An example... .the other day she stated that every time we had broken up I had run off and met a guy. That I couldn't handle being a lesbian. Truth is while we were together she was constantly talking to men behind my back. Then she asked a guy to move in with her while she was on vacation with me!  He moved in and then she ran off and married a different guy. While she was married I met a guy and started dating him. He was wonderful to me. That is the piece she can't stand. That he treated me well. I told  the only time I met someone was when she got married... .but in her eyes I cheated on her... .totally messed up.

I am almost frightened what she tells her therapist. Her therapist just think I am a crazy psycho. When I am the normal one... .for the most part .

[rg1976]

Surprise, surprise!  She texted me 2 days after the incident, and then again today.  Also received an email asking me how I am doing, etc.

Lucky for me I have some things to occupy my time and I really really don't want to contact her when I am the subject of an investigation. So, here I am. Posting. Please, please help me stay strong and remain no contact.

Thanks,

rg1976

[Turkish]

T,

It wasn't that clear. She would invite me over for dinner one night, then the next night tel me she didn't want to see me anymore, and to leave her alone. Then, 3 days later she would invite me over again.

It was maddening, but yes, clear lines have been drawn. I had a pleasant discussion with the officer and asked him about her contact of me.  Sure enough 1 day later she texts and says she's concerned and will be there if I need to talk!

The officer said: "She can't have it both ways. You need to think about protecting yourself. So it's best to not engage with her in any way."

This is wisdom, rg1976. I know you want closure. I feel that you are still attached. She's playing a dangerous game... .for you. What Tausk said about the restraining order is true. If you read the legal board, you will see stories which are devastating to those who get served. Have you read the DV against men link:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

Ease of having someone arrested - The Violence Against Women Act of 1994 explicitly endorsed a mandatory arrest policy—a watershed by traditional law enforcement standards that has increased arrest rates by 200%-400% in participating jurisdictions. As of 2007, the following 21 jurisdictions had established mandatory arrest policies - if the police come out, someone goes to jail.  Now, about one million persons are arrested annually under criminal law for intimate partner violence. Seventy-seven percent of these suspects are male

Can you risk something like this?

[Vatz]

Surprise, surprise!  She texted me 2 days after the incident, and then again today.  Also received an email asking me how I am doing, etc.

Lucky for me I have some things to occupy my time and I really really don't want to contact her when I am the subject of an investigation. So, here I am. Posting. Please, please help me stay strong and remain no contact.

Thanks,

rg1976

Hey man, you already know why you shouldn't be talking to her. You're under investigation, and contacting her right back will probably make your situation real bad.

I'll say this, get a restraining order. As someone here already pointed out.

Beyond that, take care of yourself. If you don't mind me asking what are some things you enjoy doing? What sort of things occupy rg's time?

I myself started missing my ex today. Some days I think "glad she's gone" other days it isn't so easy, the nice things creep back in. Two days ago I found three pictures of her on my PC that I hadn't gotten rid of. I deleted them, but not before taking a good look. It was a dumb move. They were with our dog and her. Her smile... .it was her smile that had me wishing she was still here. Problem is, she isn't, she's with someone else, she won't be coming back until things go bad with the new guy. These are facts. Four years... .I think I'm still reeling it's over, yet somehow I felt this alone quite a while before she actually told she was done with me.

She might have a stones to send me something on my Bday, she said "even if we're broken up I want to get you things for your birthday." A nice sentiment, but even with a healthy person I'd decline. Too much pain. If she sends me something, I'm just going to toss it. I'll have to.

I work, work out and for some reason spent some time on dating sites, I think the last thing was just a distraction. I knew I wouldn't find anyone, but... .I'd be too worried about being rejected by strangers than in pain at losing her.

When I called 911, I did the right thing. I got her away, and after a few weeks of staying with me, but while not together... .it was an emotional hell. It was the right thing to do.

ANYWAY, I'm going to a birthday party for my sister tomorrow. Maybe that coworker of hers I met two years ago will be there. Maybe she's still interested. Probably not, but the thought keeps the bad stuff away.

It's hard, and I know that you might want to say something. But it's best not to. Best just try to forget the whole thing and move on. Focus on you. Not saying it's gonna be alright, but we're here. Also, she's not really wondering how you're doing. Either she's TRYING to get you in trouble, or she's so damn desperate for her emotional drug that it ain't even about that. It's about knowing she can still rely on you, use you even.

Don't, man. Your soul amounts to so much more than just some cheap drug to to a disordered and emotionally stunted creature. You're worth more than some "supply." Especially if the price of contact is jail. J.A.I.L. For what? Over whom? Think about it.

Oh and make the Legal Board your friend. Like what Turkish just said, and Tausk before him, you need to put on your game-face. It's some good advice from some insightful people.

[Tausk]

Surprise, surprise!  She texted me 2 days after the incident, and then again today.  Also received an email asking me how I am doing, etc.

Lucky for me I have some things to occupy my time and I really really don't want to contact her when I am the subject of an investigation. So, here I am. Posting. Please, please help me stay strong and remain no contact.

Thanks,

rg1976

This the last I'm going to write on this.  I appreciate how difficult this is on you.  I understand.  Really I do.  I got the police called on me too, because there wasn't enough for an RO.  In fact there wasn't enough for anything, but she complained anyway.   SO I UNDERSTAND.

And I'm telling you that it's time to wake up and smell the coffee.   I'm not judging you.  I understand.  But, right now you may seriously need outside help.  You may not understand the depth of your FOG.

Because, if you are still craving contact after talking to the police. If the shame of having to discuss the matter with the cops does wake you up and make you absolutely want to stay away... .Then you need professional help and sooner rather than later.

Don't rationalize.  It doesn't matter if she's initiating.  She's CRAZY.  And it's not a matter of "if" she'll call the cops again, but rather WHEN she calls again.

She will call. She will not have have any choice. The Angry Child and Punitive Parent modes will force her to call. And she will lie and confabulate and be the victim.  And they are the best victims... .You know why?... .Because the honestly believe everything they will tell the police and the judge.

They will honestly say you are the stalker and abuser and the harasser.  And they will honestly with all their hearts believe it, and because they believe it... .you will be looked up with suspicion.

It doesn't matter who it is... .If someone says they were abused by you... .there is an element of suspicion. And if the accuser without a doubt believes their accusations... .then the is guilt presumed.  You will be presumed guilty because not rational accuser believes false accusations.  But your ex isn't rational.  She's Bat Sht Crazy.   

This is your warning.  If you fck this up, you're going end up in court and you'll be saying, why didn't I listen.  You are the problem if you can't walk away.

And none of this has anything to do with your ex.  If maybe contacting her is still a possibility then understand the problem lies in the wetware inside your noggin.

So, stay on the board and continue to share.  And read and distract yourself. 

But, you should be afraid.  You should be very afraid.  You should hope for the best, but expect that the police will be called again.  Any opportunity to punish you will be executed.  Your ex does not have a choice in the matter.   The Disorder forces her to punish you.  

Get some professional help. Confess the issue to all your close friends and family.  Make yourself as accountable as possible to as many people as possible, so that you can refrain from doing something that will result in you ending up in jail.  Even a dropped RO charge will cost you time, money, reputation, and a big piece of your soul.

And I'm deeply worried about you. A visit to the front door from the police should have been enough.  Since it doesn't seem to be enough to stop the OC behavior in you, time to ask for help.

Be well.  If it's all right, I'll keep you in my prayers and send you good energy.  I hope you get through this.  We care about you on this board.  Keep us posted.   And be I hope you can be open minded to tharapy. 

Take this advice from one who knows,  you are right now standing in a pool of gasoline, and lighting matches and watching them hit the fuel.  

[Suspicious1]

During one of his episodes, my ex said he was feeling harassed by me. Well, that was that. If someone so much as mentions the "h" word (or the "s" word) or says they want you to stop contacting them, then any contact after that is harassment/stalking by definition (at least it is in the UK).

It's kind of "game over" in that situation. I had lots of things to say and exchanges of property to arrange, but I just couldn't, and if he really didn't want me to contact him then that's his right. I have no business forcing myself into someone's space like that.

Eventfully after three weeks he explicitly asked to talk, but in this situation he hadnt threatened legal action let alone called the police. That's crossing quite a line, and no way would I have ever risked communicating again.

She didn't call the police by accident - that was a calculated move. Whatever her mental state now she could make a calculated move again if she decides you've gone against what she wants. There is no logic in her behaviour, and that alone is a huge worry. Could you ever feel secure in what she says or does again?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

This disorder ruins lives and not just the sufferer's life.  Delete texts, block email and do not intercept calls.  Time to separate soppy romantic feelings from clinical and rational judgement.  Stay away.

[Visitor]

Dude,

It won't matter two s#$%s what you text her. You could tape a message onto a pony, or have a singing telegram delivered and it will result in more of the same. My ex is in therapy and has people around her that I'm absolutely sure are aware of her 'eccentricities,' shall we say? Each and every time we have what I believe to be a meaningful conversation it is dissected and restructured to suit her reality within 2-24 hours. Here's an analogy for you:

"I can go outside, lie down on my driveway and bang my head on the cement for as long as I wish. When I stop? It feels pretty good.''

I cant agree with this dude enough. I didn't really have much attachment with my BPD ex but I used to find it hilarious when I would send her an email and she would reply back with a completely warped and misconstrued understanding of what I was trying to say. I was accused of being nasty and name calling when there was none at all haha. So funny.

What ever you say, text, email or send to a BPD will passed through some very strange reality filters so it fits with what he/she wants it to say.

It is a losing battle and one you should never enter.

NC

[Take2]

This disorder ruins lives and not just the sufferer's life.  :)elete texts, block email and do not intercept calls.  Time to separate soppy romantic feelings from clinical and rational judgement.  Stay away.

Yes, this disorder does ruin lives.  But do NOT delete texts.  In this situation, save EVERY Single text.  The ONLY communication from you should be ":)O NOT EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN" - and then YOU must NEVER contact HER again.  But SAVE every single text, every single email.

Tausk is right - it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of WHEN she will call the cops again... . be prepared.   I KNOW how hard it is to break off contact.  I too have lived it.  It's a terrible addiction on our part.  Lots of things to explain the whys of why we haven't been able to walk away from hideous abuse.  But when someone like this is out of destroy you?  Believe them.

Walk away.  Work on you.  That's all the matters.  The pain will be HORRIBLE.  But it's so much better than going to jail... .

[Infern0]

It's astonishing the lack of boundaries they have, calling the cops on you for harassment and then text you the next day.  Vulgar.

At this point you have to protect yourself.  No contact means NO contact at this point.  I'd almost be tempted to get a tresspass order against her but that would cause more drama.

Just stay away,  there is nothing good that can come of any further contact.

[.cup.car]

So, my pwBPD has been distancing herself for a few months. Rather than just let her go and be done with it, I tried to keep up contact.

She decided she is "scared" and that my repeated attempts to contact her amount to stalking, so she contacted the police and they came to my house and gave me a "friendly warning".

She has nothing to charge me with, but at this point, I'm afraid of false accusations.

I'm on the flip side of this. I did the same as you, I tried to reach out a handful of times after we split (for the third time) and like in your situation she screams that it's stalking or whatever. To the point where after X amount of time, I found out she was in fact stalking me. Told me to **** off, move on, and never talk to her again, and by the end of the week she was texting my friends made up stories about me. Or calling my mom at 5am. Or messaging my roommate to ask questions about me. Or getting her dad to make threats towards me. Or staying up till midnight finding anything negative posted about her on the internet and accusing them of all being me under a different name. Yep, but I'm the one stalking her. Kay.

Screencap everything, go to the cops, and be an annoying piece of **** about it until it's either put on file or something gets done about it.

These false legal threats constitute as stalking/harassment, and on most stalking information sites you can actually find a section about people with mental illnesses who believe THEY are the one's being stalked (when it's the inverse). Do what I did and compile a bunch of stuff that prove you had a relationship, that she was the one who caused the breakup, and that she's trying to pin everything on you as an act of revenge. Tell the police about her mental disorder (female cops are more understanding in this regard - personal experience), and give them any/all info that you think would be relevant.

It's not uncommon for pwBPD to try this. Give them the straight up facts.

[SC91]

I can relate to this. All very similar.

One past BPD friend, Had argument so not friend anymore. Few days later i had a phone conversation with a mutual friend (the mutual friend knew her know her since teen) and casual chat when she asked me what happened between me and the BPD. A day later you guys guess what happen? The BPD send me email threaten to report to the police should I continue to "harass" the mutual friend! Omg people, you see how Disordered a BPD is! That email didnt scare me at all, rather it was such a laugh and relieve. Becos then i know the BPD was so scared so she would NOT harass me with crazy drama hence a clear cut!

Another BPD/sociopath, this girl is exactly what the previous posters said the BPD WANTS both. On one side use the enablers to make me look crazy and the one to harass her, another side keep doing these subtle acts to make me wonder what really happen and seek answer from her. When i try to seek answer then she sure the enabler audience all present to SHOW how i harass her!

See how twist the BPD are. In their sick mind they really "feel" the need to punish bad ppl (they themselves really n project onto you) to justify their own twisted perception. In reality they are the one who initiate the drama! These ppl waste the police system!

[rg1976]

An update:

Be warned: This is a therapeutic writing effort. The update is real.

No contact from me for 2 weeks. I filed all of her attempted communication (texts, emails, and phone calls) and sent it to the investigating officer.

I asked him if me contacting her was a criminal offense.  He said: "No, there are no charges against you."

He filed this into his report and said: "I'm not happy with her; I'm glad you sent me all of this. Coming to the police and saying she doesn't want you to contact her and then for her to keep up contact with you is an abuse and a waste of our time."

He (the officer) called me as a follow up. He said: "I know you care for this woman, but there are many other women out there who don't come with this much drama. You're a grown person and can make your own decisions, but I would advise you to focus on protecting yourself."

It was very helpful... .I felt determined that I could keep it up.

Then, last weekend, she invited me to go on vacation with her for a day. It was a complete shock.

Stupid me... I went! The trip was good. There were only a few tense moments where I felt like she might lose it at any second. It was like nothing ever happened, things were back to "normal".

I got sucked back in... .

Then, today happened:

She was terribly irritable. She was screaming and swearing at her daughter. She said she was hungry. The 3 of us went to lunch at our favorite Indian restaurant. We returned to do laundry and she snapped.

She decided she wanted to rearrange her bookshelves while she was waiting on laundry to finish. I asked if I could help her. As I went to help her move books, my foot barely touched one of the books on the floor. She yelled at me and told me I was worse than the kids and this is why some of the books are in such bad shape.

I said: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to touch the book. I was only trying to help and it's a crowded space, very hard to maneuver in."

She then took an arm full of books off of the shelf and threw themm on the floor at my feet. The very books she was complaining about being damaged by my mis-step!  The next few loads she threw hit me in the shins.

I said: "These books you just threw hit me."

That totally set her off and she was screaming and swearing at me while making sure the next load hit me too.

I asked her: "Why is it that you are critical of me and scream at me for barely touching one of these books, then you throw them on the floor, and throw them at me?"

She was raging. So I left.

It's the same. Nothing will change. It makes me very sad. She is a wonderful person when she's not raging at me.

She does this. When I'm gone, it won't make a difference to her. She'll find someone else to be her rage target.

I wonder if I really love her, or if I love an idealized version of her: The person she could be if she would behave in a more kind and loving way.

It would be different if she would apologize to me for these rage episodes.  She would be a different person.

My therapist said: "It still trips me out that she invited you to go on vacation with her a few weeks after she's told the police she doesn't want you to contact her anymore. You know that's pretty messed up, right?"

To this I say: "Yes, dude, our relationship is dysfunctional: I'm aware of that."

T replies: "That is an extreme understatement."

[Take2]

It would be different if she would apologize to me for these rage episodes.  She would be a different person.

Yep... .she would be a different person... .   but it appears that's not who she is.  Do you really want that in your life? 

We all know the recycle... .and then wonder why we did it... .hopefully you can continue to work on your own issues that may be keeping you attached to her... .   although I will say that it sounds like your therapist really doesn't know a lot about BPD if he is that surprised about her behavior... .   but as long as he is helping you with yours I suppose that doesn't matter too much... .