I hate BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

I just have to say that I hate BPD. I hate everything about it. I hate that steals the lives of our children and attacks the lives of those who love a BPD.

[tristesse]

I just have to say that I hate BPD. I hate everything about it. I hate that steals the lives of our children and attacks the lives of those who love a BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Northmum]

I just have to say that I hate BPD. I hate everything about it. I hate that steals the lives of our children and attacks the lives of those who love a BPD.

I have to say those words ring loudly with me today.  :'(

[Kwamina]

Hi tristesse,

BPD is a very difficult disorder with all the drama and chaos it causes. I can definitely understand why you would sometimes feel like this. Dealing with a BPD daughter can be very tough and take a toll on all the other family members involved like you of course know very well from your own experience. It seems like you are having a particularly difficult day right now. Did something happen with your daughter that caused you to feel this way today? Or is it a culmination of everything you've been through and the realization of what you're facing here?

Northmum It's clear that you are having a difficult day too and that this post really resonated with you. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Is this something you would like to discuss further? Perhaps in a separate thread of your own?

[tristesse]

Kwamina,

I just feel very consumed by the BPD right now... .My dh and ds have learned the skills , they both use SET to perfection and they both validate the valid etc. but no matter how hard I try, no matter how many techniques I use, my dd still charges ahead with her attack. I understand that I am the most reliable person in her life and that she knows I will love her no matter what, so I am always the subject of her attacks. But I am so tired of just enduring.

[murmom]

Yes, it is so all consuming!  Sometimes it actually sucks the life right out of everyone in the family.  But on other days (like yesterday when our entire family visited DD in the hospital), it brought us together as a family and we had a very good day.  But yes, our lives revolve around this horrible disorder.

Murmom

Mom to daughter dx BP, age 16

[Kwamina]

Hi tristesse,

I can definitely relate to this feeling of being totally consumed by the BPD. It can be very overwhelming indeed

... .but no matter how hard I try, no matter how many techniques I use, my dd still charges ahead with her attack. I understand that I am the most reliable person in her life and that she knows I will love her no matter what, so I am always the subject of her attacks. But I am so tired of just enduring.

It can be quite frustrating to keep trying new things only to see it has no effect at all. The communication techniques can help but there's no guarantee that the person with BPD will respond better. The way you describe things here it seems like your daughter specifically targets you and uses you take her frustrations out on. She's your daughter so I totally get why you would always keep trying and loving her no matter what. However, loving her unconditionally doesn't have to mean that you just gotta accept everything she does. It sounds like her behavior is taking a real toll on you, do you feel like you have any possibilities to take a step back and recharge your batteries somewhat? I know you love her, but perhaps now the time has come for some new strict boundaries with your daughter to protect your own emotional and mental well-being.

How do your other family members react when your daughter targets you?

[tristesse]

I have set a strict boundary about being called dirty words or having obscene things screamed at me, so when she starts that, I give her a warning and if she continues, I leave the situation.

I have the full support of my dh and my ds, and they agree that distancing myself is the only way for me survive mentally.

Yes my dd does target me to take her frustrations out on, she always has, so it isn't anything new.

I am really very pleased that my dh and ds are able to use the techniques effectively with her, 3 or 4 months ago, neither one of them would have made any effort. They would have both made a valiant effort to protect me from her, with no thought or worries about how it would affect her.

I have pushed the family education, I have encouraged and insisted that they all learn about BPD and that they make an effort. So they have... .and she responds beautifully to  them.

I hate that I can't get there. I hate that I try everything and she still responds so negatively. I hate that I am jealous of their success. I hate that I am so tired all of the time. And I hate that I don't like my own child. I love her more than life, but I can't stand her, and I hate that about myself.

BPD is a destroyer of everything.

[Mutt]

I have encouraged and insisted that they all learn about BPD and that they make an effort. So they have... .and she responds beautifully to  them.

I'm so sorry that you are going through a difficult period tristesse. 

They have success because of your encouragement and dedication. You did that.

She is responding negatively to you because of the disorder for now.

It's OK to feel anger and frustration at the disorder. It's tough 

[MammaMia]

Tristesse

I know EXACTLY how you feel.  Overwhelmed, depressed, angry, scared, and frustrated. Me too.  Unless you have lived with a pwBPD, there is no way to understand the emotional and physical devastation it creates for caregivers.

We are dealing with what I have seen referred to as the most "devastating mental illness" possible, and we have a RIGHT to have bad days.  Struggling daily with a cruel disorder that cannot be controlled, no matter how hard we try, gives us that right. We have NOT failed, and every single one of us "hits the wall" periodically. It's ok.

We need an emotional outlet when this happens or we will self-destruct.  That is what BPDF is all about. There is no need for you to feel bad about hating BPD.  We ALL hate BPD and what it has done to our families and our lives.  Caregivers are always the biggest target.

When these feelings have passed, we pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off, and move forward.  Why? Because there is no other viable options. In the meantime, let those feelings out here.  No one understands them better than we do.

Tomorrow is a new day.  A new start.  Be positive and yet emotionally prepared for whatever happens.  If it is another bad day, come back.  We will all still be here for you.  And that's a promise!

[HealingSpirit]

I hate BPD too!  I know what you mean about all the rages and tantrums being directed at you, no matter how perfectly you do "the skills."  I'm finding that it does help to validate my DD, but it isn't a cure-all.  Like you, even excusing myself from an abusive conversation, which is healthy and appropriate, gets twisted into, "You never listen!"  UGH!

Sometimes, I just want to run away to a tropical island and stay there forever!

But then, I get some sleep, and things look different on a new day.  What helps get you centered?

For me, focusing on gratitude helps a lot.  But, I have to express my anger and disappointment at BPD and the circumstances it presents first before I can switch to gratitude.  Otherwise, the anger keeps popping back in.

Hang in there! 

[SeaSprite]

Me too!

One of my best friends has daughters the same age as mine, and hers are those perfectly polite overachiever well balanced kids that we all hope to raise. I love her and I love her kids, I've known them since they were tiny.

And some days, it takes all my energy to smile and be happy for her kid's successes, the contrast is too painful.

The other day I actually said, how is it that you have such perfect children? She said it was because it took her ten years to have them and she lost two pregnancies along the way.

I said ok, you win, Karma owes you.

But still... .

The worry.

Feeling trapped, will I ever have an empty nest? Can I make plans that won't be trashed by crisis? Will I ever stop being afraid of the suicide risk?

I keep saying I can't wait till she's 18, but who am I kidding. She'll still be my responsibility. I can't even send her to her dad's for more than a few days because he travels for work.

I hope you are finding ways to be good to yourself, and that you are able, at least on some days,not to take her runaway emotions and actions personally.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Thank you everybody for your kindness.

I am feeling better today. I know I am doing all that I can, and it is not my fault, sometimes it's just hard to remember.

I too feel like I will never be an empty nester, but that is just life. I can not make her leave my home, she has no where to go, and her depression and anxiety are so bad she can't even work.

Nobody knows or understands what it's like to love a BPD unless you have actually done so.

[HealingSpirit]

Nobody knows or understands what it's like to love a BPD unless you have actually done so.

AMEN! That's the truth!

I can't remember, has your DD been dx with BPD? If so, there might be financial assistance because she has it so bad, she is disabled by it. I went to our local NAMI meeting and they discussed how to get $$$ help for the emotionally/mentally disabled. I can't remember if she's already getting assistance.

[tristesse]

Healing spirit

She has been diagnosed... .yes,

I have discussed getting disability,but she drags her feet and does not pay. I wish I could do it for her.

She's afraid they are going to turn her down, I think she will qualify hands down.

I will just keep trying to persuade her.

[tristesse]

pay = apply

[hope61]

I am right there with you!  I feel like I am on a roller coaster and it's never going to end.  Just when I get my hopes up that my son is making progress and making good decisions, it all falls apart the next day (or even the SAME day!).  I'm to the point where I just want to isolate myself because it's too difficult to interact with other people that talk about the successes of their children.  I'm so envious of them for having a "normal" family!

[Kimmom]

I so understand!  You are not alone!  It is an evil illness.  It hurts everyone in it's path.  It is so hard to see out of this deep dark hole. 

Mom of 20yr old daughter BPD untreated (no contact for 1 1/2 years and counting)

[tristesse]

oh KIMMOM I am so sad for you... .I would rather live in the hell of BPD than to no contact with my dd.

I feel very selfish for my complaining, I read the posts by other parents, and I am really blessed and lucky... .I still have my dd, some people have lost their child  to the disease, and others are in NC situations, and I can't imagine either. I went once for 8 months with NC and it is so hard.

God Bless you. hang in there.

[lever.]

Tristesse-you are not selfish for complaining- NC is extremely painful but living with BPD can also be a nightmare for both the sufferer and their family.

[CeeCee]

I don't have the energy to say anything other than -- ME TOO.    Sorry for you... .sorry for us all!

[SCM]

Tristesse,

I know exactly what you mean. My dd who was diagnosed with BPD 17 years ago is in NC mode now, and has been so for many many months. She will briefly contact me if she needs something from me. Otherwise, she won't reply emails nor answer telephone calls. It's a devastating disease for everyone involved.  She has a husband and 3 children who in my opinion are held hostage to this situation.

I keep bringing her up to the Lord for he knows the circumstances that surround every soul.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders