What pushed you over the edge?

[NeedHelpPls]

She was the most beautiful thing on earth to me, a walk talking doll, who seemed to share so much similarities with me, starting with hobbies, food, taste in music, and we would have long and meaningful conversations.

I instantly adored her, I instantly grew attached.

As the relationship went on, I have noticed strange behaviours that were completely inexplicable to me, at the time however, I brushed it off, thinking,

ah must be the time of the month, ah must be the stress from work, ah, of course, if I had a fight with my mom, I would be in bad mood too.

and each of those episodes were followed by "sincere" apologies, sweet message and letters, and sometimes gifts. Which was more than enough

for me, and I remember thinking, 'ha! women, can't live with them, can't live without'em' but I still loved her, and all of her strange behaviours and unwarranted or exaggerated burst of anger.

Now the question at hand... .what pushed me over the edge?

It was actually a combination of things, but first and foremost, my deteriorating health from the stress of being in a relationship (and how fast I've recovered after it was over), walking on eggshell all the time (and being blamed, "you are too sensitive", this is what relationship is!, every couple is the same! she would tell me), and her complete withdrawl and disassociating when upset, and I remember many dinners, coffee breaks, even resting at home, trying to engage in a conversation, while she stared blanked at the wall.

If the server at the restaurant wasn't quick enough, I had to watch out and make sure she won't be upset. If the traffic was bad, or we couldn't find a parking spot, I had to tread very lightly lest I trigger a landmine.

Eventually, my love, and attraction was eroded away from stress, and constantly being pulled back from actually being able to enjoy her company.

When things were good, they were so good. we would laugh, make jokes, speak of our future together, places we would travel, then the car behind us would "honk". and it all goes to ___.

[NeedHelpPls]

When things were good, they were so good. we would laugh, make jokes, speak of our future together, places we would travel, then the car behind us would "honk". and it all goes to.

Apologies, didn't mean to use profanities. I'll watch out next time. what I meant to say was, "it all goes downhill from there... ."

[Pieter2]

What drove me over the edge was the double standards and the total lack of respect for me. Total disrespect for my needs, family, career, boundaries, friends. It was a one way street. She was never really interested in anything I said. Never interested in making an effort for me. It was just about her. Every day, all day, all the time. Makes me smile when I think how hard I had to work to keep her happy (Egg shells) and how it just ended abruptly when I went No Contact. If anything, now I can get a little revenge... .

[kc sunshine]

Oh NeedHelpPls, I totally get how the good times were so good. All of that resonates with me.

What pushed me over the edge was a demand that I could not fulfill, a line in the sand that I could not cross, and then being split black when I wouldn't/couldn't cross it. The experience of being split back for a sustained amount of time (usually in our fights, she'd be able to come back after a dysregulation pretty quickly, the next morning for example) pushed me over the edge of thinking we could ever be good for each other.

[NeedHelpPls]

(usually in our fights, she'd be able to come back after a dysregulation pretty quickly, the next morning for example)

That totally rings true with me too... .after 2-3 hours of draining, weeping, phone conversation, me explaining, imploring her to please go easy on me, please don't twist things, please don't assume things, total exhaustion. Then by next morning, she would smile, completely jolly, as if nothing happened, and I'm blamed for not being able to let go, being too sensitive, holding grudges, and not being able to forget past transgression and move forward. Because, according to her, this is completely normal, and couples fight.

[Harri]

What pushed me was knowing that my ex would never be able to admit a mistake or take responsibility for his own actions.  Or on the few occasions he did do those things, I could predict that he would pick a fight over the most ridiculous thing and use that as a way to boost himself up so he could be the more stronger, more healthy person in the relationship.  For a long time I put up with it and gave him what he wanted so that he would not have to feel bad.  We were two nons, both with 'fleas', trying to make a relationship work through our personal wounds. 

[Junknown]

To me, it was all the lies, lies, lies with all the cheating, cheating, cheating. When i discovered she was maintaining two parallel relationships since she started being my girlfriend and that now she had betrayed me with a third one i just couldnt take it anymore. Especially when she kept lieing to me and throwing sand into my eyes... .

[no_ordinary]

To me, it was all the lies, lies, lies with all the cheating, cheating, cheating. When i discovered she was maintaining two parallel relationships since she started being my girlfriend and that now she had betrayed me with a third one i just couldnt take it anymore. Especially when she kept lieing to me and throwing sand into my eyes... .

it was the same in my case... .she was so surprised when i told her to stay away from me... .i don't believe what she put me through... .    5 girls she slept with (that i know) in one year (she was in relationship with me almost all the time)... .it was more than enough.

[biglearningcurve]

Seeing his wedding photo on my replacements face book when he was recycling with me, and seeing he married her when he was still in relationship with me.

Something moved in me then.  Hopefully it was the necessary pain to help me move on, but it still hurts like nothing I have ever felt before.

[SpringInMyStep]

It happened gradually, but a few different things helped me come out of the fog. My therapist, first of all, is great and would always ask me "why are you in a relationship like this?" and I kept saying "but I love her!".

Then one day my wife said that if I didn't save enough for retirement, she wouldn't be able to financially support me. Keep in mind, she's 20 years younger AND has a trust fund. I work. She doesn't.

She kept saying she was afraid of men, yet went on dates with them (we were poly).

Just so many things... .but I think the final thing was when we took a two day break in which she stayed at a friend's house and I felt SO good and relieved. Then I knew. I wasn't buying her ___ anymore.

[elessar]

With my codependency issues, since my late teens I felt I am living my life for her. The classes I took in college, changing religion, distancing from family, the career, finally over the last few years agreeing to leave my city so she can get out of her parents' enmeshment (she eventually didn't follow me out and stayed with parents) to allowing her to teach our future kids whatever she wants with no input from me, to allowing her to decide whether I drink alcohol or follow her kosher... .well anyway... .list can go on.

i finally reached a point where I thought... .was there anything more I could have done, was there anything different I could have done. I had tried everything. I have given my everything - something I hadn't given my family, career, education. I lived for her (yes, very unhealthy for me). And she didn't try her best. She complained she only wants to be with me but can't coz mommy-daddy wouldn't allow. But besides complaining, she didn't try. And once she realized there is nothing more I could do because I had emptied my proverbial bucket, she turned her attention to other men. That's when I knew emotionally that she was gone and I was done with her. I still allowed her to string me along for a year and a half after that. But there was a point in early 2013 where I was too exhausted to even care what happened to her. that's when I was done.

[NeedHelpPls]

Just so many things... .but I think the final thing was when we took a two day break in which she stayed at a friend's house and I felt SO good and relieved. Then I knew. I wasn't buying her ___ anymore.

It feels like you've been holding your breath underwater, while inside the water, your vision was murky, movement was a struggle, but you got used to being underwater. then BAM. you emerge above the water, remembering how awesome it is to breath fresh air, being able to walk on land. the freedom you enjoy, is... .evolutionary almost.

[Hopeless777]

I'll be brief since lots of people already know my story. We re-exchanged wedding vows at a marriage conference after a 26 year marriage on May 4. That night she tried to attack me with a hammer. I left permanently, after three recycles, now she's suing me for everything I've got claiming I abandoned/deserted her. I figured between to be rid of her than wind up in a jail cell... .that pushed me over the edge.

[Narellan]

For me it was the betrayal... Telling me he had waited his whole life for me, then ditching me within minutes and replacing me with my best friend. Lying to her that I was nothing to him just a friend and I had so many issues he was done with me.

[ajr5679]

   my story is long ,but i will try to make it short . my ex and i were living together in 2011. she needed to move in her son  because her ex husband could not handle him any longer. this triggered my girlfriend's BPD and she decided to run away every chance she got. so this left me with her son ,which is BPD and npd. he was really trying to get his life back in order, but she would not allow this so he started doing drugs. one day he decided to paint me black and his rage came out he called me everything but a human and beat me up. i was bruised and had a fracture ankle. my ex stood there and did dishes while he abused me. i was able to call the cops, but because of the abuse i told them it was all my fault. he was told to leave my place for the night. the next day he came back and he would not let me out of my room. he took my light bulbs out and my tv and my cell phone . my ex, his mom, was seeing her ex again and everything was about her. she would not help me with him and there was nothing i could do but leave my home. ( her son was 14 at the time) and i was pushed and pulled so much that i did not even know the day. it was hell on earth, living with two people that had BPD and npd. she would idolize me when her and her sara were fighting  and then demonize me when her son was to much for her to handle then she would run from me and him.

she would tell me she just could not handle him crying and his rage. so it was on me to walk on egg shells around both of them. i was so addicted to her that i allowed this to happen no matter how miserable i was with them both.

on the third day of being locked in my room. i was able to get someone to call a friend for me. although i don`t remember going to the hospital, i did end up in a psych unit after this abuse. i was told that all i did was sit in the shower for hours and brush my teeth while in the hospital. so she and her son moved out after i got home from the mental hospital but before that she did,she told me that when i got home she was not taking care of me. i went in to therapy for ptsd and co-dependents. and i was getting better , my life was okay. i stilled had triggers but nothing like it was.

but then she contacted me again, and gave me a sob story that her girlfriend that she left me for would not allow her any freedom , that she was living in the basement , that she would only give her 20 dollars out of her pay check, that she was cheating on her. and she was having to sleep with a old guy to have any money. it was the same story that i heard before but i thought i was healthier and she told me that she was better. her son was in juvinile hall until he turned 18 because of drugs, and she told me that i would not have to deal with him. so what did i do? you guessed it! i started seeing her again. she moved back in . for the first couple months it was okay. i thought she really did change . nope she was still there she was still talking to her ex she was spending all her money and not paying rent. she was back to the abuse again, but this time it was about how sick she was (nothing was wrong with her)

  i lost hours at work and she was going to have to help. well she did not like this and refused to help so i had to pick up hours somewhere else for a month until my other job was able to get me more hours. well she broke up with me and moved into her own room in the same house. and i allowed it . i really allowed her to do whatever she wanted i did not have any boundaries with her. until one day her son was out of camp . he got out before he turned 18 and need to come and live with us . i said no way but she did it anyway because nobody in the family would take him. and believe me she tried to get him as far away from her as she could . she moved him in anyway . i called the law, but because he was a minor and she live at my place he could stay. i was not having this. and i let her know but she did not care she started seeing her ex again (who is just as much addicted to her as i was.) i kept saying he has one month until he is 18 and he has to leave . During that month i lived in my room in what felt like hell . he had girls in and out of here and also his pregnant girlfriend  lived here also. so i told her that he need to get a job she and him decided that if he sold weed out of my house that could be his job. so she went and bought it for him and allowed him to sell it out of my house. one day she wanted him out . the next day she could not leave her baby on the streets. so she decided to start sleeping with her old guy for money again. she would make me feel sorry for her. but not enough for him to stay.

she decided to leave for a weekend and he was not here either. i cleaned the house and just enjoyed being alone in my home until he came home and made a mess. i told him to clean up his mess because it was not right to leave it. this started a fight that i was not backing down from. he recorded half of the conversation but the half were he called me everything but a human. when she came home she started telling me that i would never treat him like that ever . and the only thing i could think is what about how he has treated me. i have never been mean to her but that day i was done with it. i told her to leave . and if she wanted her stuff to sue me for it . she called the cops and i left the house . she had three hours to get out she only took her son's stuff. i forgot the last time she left me she took everything and i mean everything even the toilet paper. so this time i was not going to allow that to happen . when she left that last time i knew i was done for good . i don`t feel sad for her . i don`t feel anything for her . i feel sad that i allowed it to happened again . i have moved on to my life again. she showed me that they can`t change if they get triggered they will abuse you, leave you , it is all about them and what they need. i could not and don`t want to deal with her again.

[Junknown]

Wow! ajr5679, thats a hell of a story! Im sorry you had to go through something like that and i hope you are better now. You had to endured things that truly were hell on earth.