I'm experiencing unfamiliar emotions

[Lion Fire]

I'm 4 months out of my r/s with my BPDex with 56 days NC that was imposed by me.

She has been reaching out regularly adopting several tactics to try and get me to engage with her. Each time I have blanked her.

By nature I am mild and even tempered but I have been feeling strong emotions of anger and hatred towards her over the last week. This has unsettled me as I have never felt such terrible emotions in my life!

At the moment, and I'm sorry to admit this, I certainly do not wish her well. I feel such disgust towards her, how she acts and what she said and did to me. I am struggling to see the good soul that is beyond her dreadful disorder.

I feel strangely satisfied every time I ignore her, knowing that she is obsessing and feeling some of the pain she inflicted on me. I feel no empathy or compassion at all for her.

She is the one person I wish I had never set eyes on, never mind got into a relationship with.

I am a gentle, loving and peaceful person so these toxic thoughts and feelings are totally out of character for me and I feel off centre.

I guess this anger is protecting me from her advances and is a form of laying down a boundary. I'm not certain.

Anyone relate? If so, what have you done to regain peace and freedom?

Blessin's

[seeking balance]

I guess this anger is protecting me from her advances and is a form of laying down a boundary. I'm not certain.

Bingo - anger does have a very useful purpose that you have identified.  Letting anger help you without acting "out" is living mindful... .try not to judge yourself for these feelings.

Love & Hate are very much part of the same emotional plain - severe anger plays in this arena as well.  The degree to which you hurt, tends to be the degree to which you will be angry.

The anger will fade with time - stay mindful, work out even more (this really helps)... .kickboxing does wonders too 

Peace,

SB

[Lion Fire]

Thanks seeking balance. I was feeling awful about the hatred that's in me for her at the moment.

I've been an amateur boxer for over 30 years and haven't been able to train or spar for months due to work and the location I'm in. That's probably why the temperature is rising within me  A guy I know has a jiu jitsu set up nearby so I'll check that out soonest 

[elessar]

At the moment, and I'm sorry to admit this, I certainly do not wish her well. I feel such disgust towards her, how she acts and what she said and did to me.

I feel this is natural. I told my T last week that I am finally feeling angry and disgust. She gave me a few papers to read about anger... .that anger is an emotion that allows you to regain control of what you had lost. I haven't read the whole thing yet... .just the title... .

But if that anger has given you determination to keep NC... .good for you. You are channeling that anger towards a positive thing (avoiding contact), rather than lashing out at her or someone.

And you don't have to feel guilty for not wishing her well. Maybe some day you will. But after X amount of abuse, if the person never admits fault, it is human to wish that karma teaches them a lesson. And I hope there is consequences for actions... .

I hope to be able to use my anger and disgust to focus on myself, to return to hobbies that I left to be an emotional caretaker, to work on online certifications. I want to use this motivation to build a better version of me.

[Lion Fire]

yes elessar, this makes sense to me.

The anger I am feeling is inside and I have not acted out in any way either towards her or others. Sure, it takes up space but I see it serving the purpose of me keeping her away from me and staying safe.

As seeking balance suggested, I need to find a way of releasing this in a positive process such as exercise. That means I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone else.

I look forward to the day when I can find lasting peace with this awful experience.

Until then it's trudging onwards for me