I'm reflecting today. I decided to note my accomplishments within myself and in my recovery journey thus far: 5 weeks NC w my ex BPDbf. Oh, trust me, I was tempted to text and break NC on the anniversary of his brother-in-laws passing. I knew it would be a difficult day for him and his sister (who he lives with). But, I reminded myself that I am no longer his rescuer or care taker. Been reading a lot about my role and how my childhood predisposed me to being a caretaker.
I also reminded myself of how I rescheduled flights and flew 2,000+ miles back home a day early from a business trip to be there to support my ex BPDbf at the wake & funeral. When I landed, I texted that I was in the car and and would meet him at the wake. He responded, "oh, well you don't have to come... .I have to be the "strong" male figure and be there supporting my sister." I won't have time to spend with you." Real nice, ha? I responded that I understood, reminded him my father knew his brother-in-law, and of course we'd still plan to come pay our respects.
When my father and I arrived we paid our respects to his sister. She hugged me and thanked us for coming. We also paid our respects to all of her grown children. They were all in the receiving line. BUT, My ex BPD bf was "nowhere" in sight! My Dad was even perplexed! We walked outside and looked around and my ex BPDbf was standing outside talking to his best friend. I gave my ex BPDbf a hug and I told him how sorry I was about his brother in law. I rubbed his back and he was acting very nervous and jittery. He told me I didn't need to stay, it would be a long night. My ex BPDbf leaned down and kissed me. Again, he was very nervous and looking around. It felt as if he was seeing if anyone saw us kiss. It was really strange behavior at a wake.
That night he texted he was exhausted and finally home. I texted back that he should get some rest and I would see him at the funeral the next morning. He responded that the "funeral" was for "family" only. I texted back, "oh, sorry, I didn't realize." mind you, we were together for 4 years! When I told my Dad about family only, he showed me the the obituary from the paper, it read, and I quote "friends and family are welcome to join us for a funeral Mass"! We later found out from a friend of my fathers that over 100 people attended the funeral. Have you ever been uninvited to a funeral? Well I was! He must of had "another" (OW) date for the funeral. Sorry so long, but my point is it also goes to show that remembering the bad and crazy behavior can help us to keep and stay no contact!
Congratulations Reddove! You sound very strong and I applaud your self care! And of course you have a warm heart to fly cross country to be w your expBPD during his loss. I can imagine how you must have felt being pushed away like that. Yes, I have been disinvited to similar. Church! Hows that? And add a smear campaign there too just as a bonus to my soul. But dont you worry bc my expBPD told me when he split me for the last time that he was working on himself with God. Phew!
Thank you for reminding me of the insane push pulls. I needed the reminder greatly.
Stay strong and on your path back to normal ville!
