Getting ready to take the plunge

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my  dBPDgf and I have broken up.  She wanted me to stay at the house until we found someone else.  That I told her that I couldn't do. 

So I think I have found a new place to live.

But she is acting very manipulative ( i think)  Saying the only reason she is still around is because of her daughter.  She said she had suicidal thoughts before I met her.  She's done this a couple times since we've been together and looking back I think she was doing it to get what she wanted.  We would be in an argument and she would see me pulling away and would start in on that.

She started talking to me telling me how I don't include her into my son's life and how "other" people see it too.  I got a little ticked and said other people... .well good for them.  That of course made her mad at me.  ... .it's breaking my heart... .  I've poured my heart and soul into this relationship and now look at me.  Five years... .I feel like crap.

All she keeps talking about is how I haven't changed for her.  How I don't do things to show her that I love her.

I'm at work but not really sure I can function.  I didn't think it was going to hurt this much.    I just want to hold her and shield everything from her and not let her hurt.   I am so distraught.  But at the same time I feel all of the hurt/anger from everything that's happened.

She say's that I always play the victim.  Funny because I feel that she is totally projecting that onto me.  It's like she wanted to talk to other women and date but keep me at home as well, I guess until she found someone that could replace me.

  I feel so broken.   

So I go and look at the new place today.

[seh77]

So my  dBPDgf and I have broken up.  She wanted me to stay at the house until we found someone else.  That I told her that I couldn't do. 

So I think I have found a new place to live.

But she is acting very manipulative ( i think)  Saying the only reason she is still around is because of her daughter.  She said she had suicidal thoughts before I met her.  She's done this a couple times since we've been together and looking back I think she was doing it to get what she wanted.  We would be in an argument and she would see me pulling away and would start in on that.

She started talking to me telling me how I don't include her into my son's life and how "other" people see it too.  I got a little ticked and said other people... .well good for them.  That of course made her mad at me.  ... .it's breaking my heart... .  I've poured my heart and soul into this relationship and now look at me.  Five years... .I feel like crap.

All she keeps talking about is how I haven't changed for her.  How I don't do things to show her that I love her.

I'm at work but not really sure I can function.  I didn't think it was going to hurt this much.    I just want to hold her and shield everything from her and not let her hurt.   I am so distraught.  But at the same time I feel all of the hurt/anger from everything that's happened.

She say's that I always play the victim.  Funny because I feel that she is totally projecting that onto me.  It's like she wanted to talk to other women and date but keep me at home as well, I guess until she found someone that could replace me.

  I feel so broken.   

So I go and look at the new place today.

[seeking balance]

She say's that I always play the victim.  Funny because I feel that she is totally projecting that onto me.  It's like she wanted to talk to other women and date but keep me at home as well, I guess until she found someone that could replace me.

I am sorry seh77, I remember being told I was acting like the victim too, the projections made me think maybe I was losing my mind... .it was so hard living in the same house during that time.

  I feel so broken.   

You will not feel this way forever, do you happen to have a T of your own?

So I go and look at the new place today.

This really will help... .space to clear our head, get out of the FOG - take care of your own needs.

Hang in there!

SB

[SpringInMyStep]

You got the place! Yay!

I promise it will get better once you move... .once you're in your own place and it's quiet and peaceful and no one is yelling and you can just breathe.

Hang in there. Please don't get sucked in by her manipulations.

[Harri]

Hi seh77.  I am glad you will not be staying in the house with her.  Good for you for recognizing that would not be a good decision! 

The suicide threats, I believe, are indeed manipulative.  I am sure you know the best way to handle that is to call 911 on her behalf.  If she is serious, she will get help and if not, perhaps she will learn to stop using one of the most vile manipulation tactics out there.  Either way, calling 911 is good for everyone involved.  My heart breaks when I think of her daughter being around that.

I always hate it when people bring in these "others" to reinforce their stance or point of view.  It leaves one guessing and wondering who is talking about you and watching you.  I am 99.9% sure these others do not exist outside of her own mind and she is saying this as another manipulative technique.  Again, good for you for responding the way you did!  Excellent!   

All she keeps talking about is how I haven't changed for her.  How I don't do things to show her that I love her.

apparently her idea of love requires you to change who you are to suit her.  Everyone defines love a bit differently... .she has shown you at least part of her definition of it.  Do you still want it if it requires you to be someone other than the authentic you that you are at this very moment?  (I know!  That was an awkward sentence!)  Does that match your definition of love?  Somehow, from reading your post, I think not.  It sounds to me like you have a beautiful spirit and your heart is in the right place.  Hold on to that.

As for hurting right now... .well, I do not mean this sarcastically at all... .but(!) of course you hurt.  It will get better.

I hope you find a safe warm place to call your own. 

Take care.

[seh77]

Thank you everyone for being so uplifting.  Sadly the place that I looked at was a bust.  The landlord would not let me keep my dog.  I can make do without a lot but I am not giving away my four legged kid. So the search continues.

So yesterday while I was waiting on my son to finish up with Football practice I received a text from her.  She stated that she had fell and messed up her knee.  (Something always happens like this)  Me I'm not cold and hearltess asked her if she wanted me to take her to the ER.  She said she couldn't afford it.  I told her I was sorry.  I get home and she has it propped up on the coffee table.  I looked at it and it really didn't look bad at all.  I know this is bad to feel.  But deep down I really don't think she has hurt it as bad as she is playing it off to be.  So I didn't fret over her like I normally would.  I told her that if she wants to go to the ER I would and left it at that.

I don't like seeing anyone in pain.  But have you ever heard of the little boy that cried wolf? 

I also know all the while she is playing it up to me she is texting her new person of interest and that she has sent flowers too. 

I really can't wait to find a place. 

[kc sunshine]

"She say's that I always play the victim.  Funny because I feel that she is totally projecting that onto me."

That exact same thing happened to me-- every time I tried to explain or defend myself, she wouldn't let me open my mouth, accusing me of thinking I was the victim. ?