PTSD Triggered by BPD/NPDxh latest breakup...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

BPD/NPDxh rang me about a month ago to play victim and said young fiance had cheated on him, cleaned the house out while he was at work, stole the car and been a b*^&h and he was worried how to tell the kids as he had them the next weekend. I told the kids for him, he agreed, and it meant he'd be in a better mood if they knew already and the shock had lessened, she was practically their babysitter for the weekends he had them last 3 years.

I am now his babysitter when he's meant to have the kids every second weekend while he's working etc. It means I am seeing him up to 4 times a weekend, so I am taking my sister with me for support. I am recording the extra time he doesn't have the kids, whatever. I am so glad they are only with him 2 nights a month now. I hope this new normal continues.

The kids have noticed a few things - they both got new ipads and he's been spoling them with lots more meals out etc.

He sets them up to say things and then tells them off.

They don't want to go with their dad as easily - not sure why, can't get to the bottom of it yet.

DD9 is getting in trouble at school for trying to get the boys to be her boyfriend. Acting out what should happen?

DS7 and DD9 far more argumentative at home with me, calling me rude words and being very unreasonable.

Starting to hate ex-fiance based on what BPD/NPDxh is telling them.

Ex-fiance called me, apologised for everything she ever thought and was desperate for info on how to be free. Told me that she finally understood everything and the lies he had told her about me.

He is back to verbally/physically abusing her before she left. It was getting worse.

Stalking, threatening, ex-fiance, her parents, her friends and her brother (including damage to their property).

He is a smiling assassin - kind to the kids, and days later, throwing rocks through their houses and slashing their tyres.

I do feel some relief that the battle is not against me or the kids, although he has tried to enrol me on his team and I had to write a letter to him (cc'd his lawyer) to say don't involve me, it's none of my business.

I am keeping to my boundaries but it's so hard. His ex-fiance calls or texts me to ask advice or tell me what's happening and although I try to be helpful, it is doing a complete number on my PTSD.

I feel anxious, close to tears, angry, checking for cars that look like his on the road, not feeling safe, feeling like he will know she is contacting me, stress when my phone rings or text message arrives etc.

I even told the kids I was scared of him when we were 5 minutes late to his drop off on Friday night.

I'm trying to stay out of his way, but it freaks me out seeing how he wants me to see him and knowing what he's doing to her. I know that there is not a single person that can control him or question him. I know she is on her own and that eventually he'll stop or he wont. No one knows.

I leave for holidays O/S in 2 weeks, away for his bday and father's day and that he's really angry about that. I know where his anger is going though. It's horrible.

Can't wait to be out of the country so we can recover xx

[Forward2free]

BPD/NPDxh rang me about a month ago to play victim and said young fiance had cheated on him, cleaned the house out while he was at work, stole the car and been a b*^&h and he was worried how to tell the kids as he had them the next weekend. I told the kids for him, he agreed, and it meant he'd be in a better mood if they knew already and the shock had lessened, she was practically their babysitter for the weekends he had them last 3 years.

I am now his babysitter when he's meant to have the kids every second weekend while he's working etc. It means I am seeing him up to 4 times a weekend, so I am taking my sister with me for support. I am recording the extra time he doesn't have the kids, whatever. I am so glad they are only with him 2 nights a month now. I hope this new normal continues.

The kids have noticed a few things - they both got new ipads and he's been spoling them with lots more meals out etc.

He sets them up to say things and then tells them off.

They don't want to go with their dad as easily - not sure why, can't get to the bottom of it yet.

DD9 is getting in trouble at school for trying to get the boys to be her boyfriend. Acting out what should happen?

DS7 and DD9 far more argumentative at home with me, calling me rude words and being very unreasonable.

Starting to hate ex-fiance based on what BPD/NPDxh is telling them.

Ex-fiance called me, apologised for everything she ever thought and was desperate for info on how to be free. Told me that she finally understood everything and the lies he had told her about me.

He is back to verbally/physically abusing her before she left. It was getting worse.

Stalking, threatening, ex-fiance, her parents, her friends and her brother (including damage to their property).

He is a smiling assassin - kind to the kids, and days later, throwing rocks through their houses and slashing their tyres.

I do feel some relief that the battle is not against me or the kids, although he has tried to enrol me on his team and I had to write a letter to him (cc'd his lawyer) to say don't involve me, it's none of my business.

I am keeping to my boundaries but it's so hard. His ex-fiance calls or texts me to ask advice or tell me what's happening and although I try to be helpful, it is doing a complete number on my PTSD.

I feel anxious, close to tears, angry, checking for cars that look like his on the road, not feeling safe, feeling like he will know she is contacting me, stress when my phone rings or text message arrives etc.

I even told the kids I was scared of him when we were 5 minutes late to his drop off on Friday night.

I'm trying to stay out of his way, but it freaks me out seeing how he wants me to see him and knowing what he's doing to her. I know that there is not a single person that can control him or question him. I know she is on her own and that eventually he'll stop or he wont. No one knows.

I leave for holidays O/S in 2 weeks, away for his bday and father's day and that he's really angry about that. I know where his anger is going though. It's horrible.

Can't wait to be out of the country so we can recover xx

[catnap]

I am glad that you and the children are going to be able to go away for two weeks to get away from the chaos. 

Think about a therapist for the children as well as yourself.  The acting out is a sign of something and might be better to address now. 

Advise the ex-fiance she and her family members need to be reporting incidents to the police and attempt to get a restraining order(s). 

[Forward2free]

Thanks Catnap, you're right.

I have approached the school for a counsellor to get involved for DD9 and hope that will happen in a couple of months. The holiday will be the first chance we've all had in 5 years to be out of BPD/NPDxh's instability and the court orders only include a few calls so that will make things easier too.

I actually called the police and told them about the ex-fiance's call and got them to bring up BPD/NPDxh's file. They were blown away that I stepped in for her and it helped them expedite the restraining order for her. I didn't want to be involved, however, my children are, so I needed to know that the police were aware of everything so that I could make the right decision for the kids if they were/are at risk.

They said I was wrong when I said he had about 30-35 restraining orders against him. They counted 55+ (and climbing) but he still gets away with all of the damage and is never questioned. I hope his actions catch up with him. It's not fair.

Ex-fiance told me a few years ago she was contacted by a 21y.o. girl on Facebook who told her she'd had underage sex with BPD/NPDxh when she was 14 and he was 35. She told BPD/NPDxh and he had a huge and believable excuse so she dismissed it. I asked if it was [name] and she said yes. I told her to report to the police. Along with my statement 5 years ago and one by girls mother, the details are building.

Could this be the start of the end?

I hate thinking about the aftermath for the kids, but I would rather deal with their disappointment and loss than with him hurting/touching either of them.

It really seems like this will never truly be over.

[catnap]

Ask the ex-fiance if she can print out the exchange off of her Facebook.  Would it be possible to get your daughter to a therapist sooner rather than 2 months from now?  I have a feeling that your ex put something in her head about needing a boyfriend. 

In your position, I would consult my attorney about filing to have any visits with the children be in a professional supervised setting. 

[livednlearned]

F2F, you are going through a lot right now, re-experiencing your own trauma, managing your kids' behaviors, and triggered PTSD. Are you doing ok? How are you taking care of yourself?

It sounds like you are thinking that the ex-fiance, in combination with the young woman, might be able to help you get full custody. Or are you thinking it's possible N/BPDxh could get put away?

As for the kids, I know it's different with each situation, but my son hasn't seen his dad since March and the difference in his demeanor is remarkable. He is much more emotionally centered, more relaxed, more confident, laughs more, is less pensive, and he's nowhere near as brooding. He had the best summer he's ever had, and I feel like he was finally able to be a kid. Mind you, he did not have a Disney dad kind of relationship with N/BPDx, so there was no disappointment when the r/s paused. It sounds like your kids had a decent r/s with their dad when the ex-fiancee was in the picture, and now they're probably seeing the volatile/disordered side without the filter of another person present. What do you do when they talk back and use rude language with you? I'm wondering if they are also experiencing PTSD.