A recycle is coming Help please

[londonD]

My ex finance and I were together for four years, we have a two year old son together.

We broke up on 23rd May 2014. Within six weeks she was seeing another man, who I found out was a friend of a friend. He is a psychiatrist and he finished things with her two weeks ago. He found her extremely needy.

I was painted blacker than black, she told me she hated me and wanted never to speak to me again.

Low and behold he dumped her and she paints me white. She is away in Tanzania working in a hospital for 4 weeks (she is a final year med student).

She has been messaging me since she went away telling me she loves me and misses me. She has asked that we spend time together when she gets back for our sons sake. I do still love her but know if I do this I will be back on the boards back to square one.

Before she left we spent a day together with our son, we ended up having sex. I’m very confused because she is getting jealous about me going on dates etc.

What should I do?

[mapys]

Be smart about it.

You have the knowledge from this board - you know where it is headed... .

[londonD]

Be smart about it.

You have the knowledge from this board - you know where it is headed... .

I do have the knowledge. My head says one thing but me heart says something different. I love the person she can be, even though I know that the bad outweighs the good.

Its very difficult. All I want is a stable and happy home for my son. By us breaking up I lost seeing him every day, a family is all I've ever wanted!

[OutOfEgypt]

You know where this is headed, my friend.  And if you forget, let us remind you.  It is headed to the *same place* you were in.  They are pathological... .that means they follow the *same path*, the same pattern, over and over.  Sounds like affection and sex are how she lures you back in.

I understand that you cannot stop contact because of your son.  But you can maintain low contact.  There is no need to talk to her about anything other than your child.  There is no reason to spend time alone with her.  None.

Unfortunately, you are the only one who is going to enforce these boundaries and rules -she will not.  So, it will be hard, but you can do it.  It can be done.  All of us here have been there and many of us still are.

You know what you should do.  Keep distance.  :)etach.  Come up with reasons why you need to get off the phone.  Lie if you have to, about having to rush off to be somewhere else.  Never be alone with her.

And of course she is jealous about you dating other people.  She demands that you be obsessed with her.  :)on't confuse that with anything good or healthy.  She wants you to be obsessed with her.  That will only destroy you, and you know it.

[OutOfEgypt]

My head says one thing but me heart says something different. I love the person she can be, even though I know that the bad outweighs the good.

Right.  All of us can attest to this.  But isn't it more that you are chasing a fantasy of the person you wished she actually is?  If you really look at it, while she may have good qualities, aren't many of those just courting rituals to lure you and other men in?

And of course all you want is a family.  But you know it will never be stable as long as you keep doing this back and forth thing.  She isn't going to stop it.  Only you can.  And only you can see how harmful that back-and-forth will be for your son and stop it.

[rockinne]

The key word is "wanted" in you last sentence.  Staying with her does not mean you will have the family you want.  In fact, it will end up being the family you will wish you never had.  I stayed 20 years with my BPD for the sake of our children.  Things only got progressively worse and worse over the years.  Both of my children are damaged and scarred from their years surviving in the family we had.  I wanted it to be so different for me and for them.  It was 20 years of hell I kept myself in and am a broken man now.  The children received severe collateral damage.  I'm not saying to abandon your child.  Share in his life.

[Recooperating]

Nobody can tell you what to do. I think we have all recycled more then once. Remember that with all of her good, you will get all of her bad. We all want to believe the fairytale and happy endings, but it isnt realistic. You will be caught in drama again.

It is a consious choice now. Please ask yourself what you get out of being in this relationship. Is it really a stable environment for your child. Is this the relationship you want him to have as a model for him? Or would you like to show him a different kind of relationship based on honesty, trust and unconditional love, even of it is part time?

Isnt it better for him to learn that taking care of yourself and being in a respectfull relationship is better?

We all here cannot make your choice for you, I know it is so hard! I personally know that my longing for my exBP comes from a lack of love in my childhood. I want to believe in the fairytale, but I know I cant... .Its not reality.

Good luck on your decision, no one can make it for you... .

[OutOfEgypt]

I second what rockinne said.  I held on for 14 years, thinking that "around the next corner, maybe things will finally smooth out and get better."  They never did.  They got worse.  You can't "hope" a situation into becoming better, unfortunately.  Our wishes for the family we always wanted with them do not make the situation into the family we always wanted.  In fact, many times our endless and unrealistic hope is a way to avoid facing the pain of reality, which has a way of becoming so bad and so painful that we are eventually (after 14 or 20 years) FORCED to look it in the face.

[Lolster]

Low and behold he dumped her and she paints me white.


What should I do?

Barbie would rather have a broken Ken doll from the charity shop than no Ken doll at all.

What should you do?  Depends on whether you're happy to be chucked in the bin once she's offered a brand new spanking Ken doll for free.

[londonD]

I second what rockinne said.  I held on for 14 years, thinking that "around the next corner, maybe things will finally smooth out and get better."  They never did.  They got worse.  You can't "hope" a situation into becoming better, unfortunately.  Our wishes for the family we always wanted with them do not make the situation into the family we always wanted.  In fact, many times our endless and unrealistic hope is a way to avoid facing the pain of reality, which has a way of becoming so bad and so painful that we are eventually (after 14 or 20 years) FORCED to look it in the face.

You are all so right. She uses affection, pretend love and sex to lure me back in. Unfortunately it works, because we spend time as a family together and I think "this is why we have a child together".

We recycled recently and it only lasted three months. I got made redundant and hat to move 200miles from home to get work. She hated this and became awful and finished with me because "she couldn't trust me"

I think she realises most men have sex with her becuase shes attractive, as soon as they find out she is damaged they split. I'm the only one that stuck around for our child. When these men USE HER FOR SEX she comes back to me!

It doesn't make it easier. I have dated, I'm a fit guy, I'm 29 but the problem is I'm not hugely attracted to any of the girls I've been out with. They just aren't for me. That's why I'm struggling.

I WISH the relationship worked, I wish she wasn't damaged, I wish my son could have a happy family with two parents that love each other.

That's not the reality

[camuse]

Nothing to add to the good advice. It's hard when our hearts don't listen to our heads.

You know what you should do, hopefully you will find the strength. But I know it's so hard.

It's a fault in us to not accept that which cannot be changed. You wish it had worked out. I wish mine had too. I also wish I looked like Brad Pitt with the money or Donald Trump. But I don't, and I accept that Why is it so hard to accept that our relationships were doomed from the start?

I know how hard it is not to fall for the false kind words, the manipulative affection. And of course, the great sex offered on a plate But I see my ex like a pitcher plant - such tasty nectar to sample ... .but the sweetness is only there to ensure I fall into the abyss, where I will be sucked dry then discarded. It's a trick, you know it, don't fall for it.

Look after yourself.

[seeking balance]

The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Feelings are not facts, facts are facts.  Loving her does not change the facts of BPD.  If you really want this to work, you will need to spend a lot of time over on the staying board so you can become a partner capable of this relationship dynamic.

Discipline is how we don't get recycled; emotional discipline... .

Best,

SB

[OutOfEgypt]

I understand.  It is hard.

Maybe take a step back and think about what exactly you are attracted to.  Lustful attraction?  Her ability to lure and make herself look like a prize?  My ex is still like that.  She walks into a room and "struts", smiles, and shakes her hips.  And she knows every guy in there wants her, and she loves it.  In fact, she gets off on rejecting them all.  She enjoys it.

So, I've been re-examining what I'm looking for in a woman.  There's a reason why women like her, though sexually attractive, immediately spike feelings and anxiety.  It's because I know they are fakes who use and dominate men, and enjoy it.

Because of that, I start asking myself different questions... .how do I feel when I'm around this person?  Not, "how wonderful do they make me feel?", but "how do I feel?"  :)o I feel calm?  :)o I feel like I can be myself?  :)o I feel pressure to follow her down the fairy-tale road, or do I feel like the person is actually stable and level-headed?  Are they a good mother?  Can they keep functional long-term friendships with people?  Are they well respected and have a good reputation?

But you know what?  Being single is okay, too.  I would stay single for the rest of my life if it was the only alternative to being with my ex wife.  Hands down, I would stay single.

[londonD]

But you know what?  Being single is okay, too.  I would stay single for the rest of my life if it was the only alternative to being with my ex wife.  Hands down, I would stay single.

This is what I'm struggling with. I get lonely away from home without my son. I date girls but don't feel all that attracted to them. Am I being shallow, yes I am!

I have narcissistic traits and I need a woman to make me feel good about myself. This is something I need to deal with!

My self worth is not based on the girls I can bag

[OutOfEgypt]

I need a woman to make me feel good about myself. This is something I need to deal with!

I think this is pretty common.  I know I believed for a long time, even back as a teenager, "If I had a girl, I would be someone."  Of course, my ex wife, in some ways, was the ultimate of that.  She was like my own personal porn star.  Of course, it didn't last in this bliss.  The very things that I idolized and which made me feel like a "man" were the very weapons she used to destroy me.  She put me on a pedestal, and I did the same to her.  Time to take women down off the pedestal.

Great self-observation!  This is what I was getting at.  I realized that the *biggest* reason that I needed an extremely sexually attractive woman is because of how it reflected on my self-image.  I felt that if I had a hot woman, I would be an "awesome man."  But I had to die to that.  Who cares how I look to others?  Time to take a stand for our lives against the tide of nonsense that destroys people.  Better to find a GOOD woman than one that wears temporarily like a trophy but ruins your life.  A good woman will last, and in time, will shame all the fools who chase superficial qualities to support their egos.  And even then, if I can't find one, better to be single.

How long are you away from your son at a time?  Maybe focus on what you can do with your son when you see him and focus on being the man that you want him to grow up into.  I *know* you don't want him to grow up with the same issue of needing a beautiful woman to feel like he's someone.

[londonD]

Yup, and probably also because you think that having a hot woman makes you a strong, manly man like your father appeared to you as a kid.  If you aren't one of the "manly men", then you must be a loser, right?  wrong.

[londonD]

Yup, and probably also because you think that having a hot woman makes you a strong, manly man like your father appeared to you as a kid.  If you aren't one of the "manly men", then you must be a loser, right?  wrong.

Very true... My self worth has often been based on the woman on my arm!

[elessar]

London, I've never once in my life felt that my worth is dependent if I had a girl. I don't want to sound like a jerk, but I am trying to explain why. I did feel my worth is dependent on my ex being with me, but if she wasn't with me... .I was never bothered if I am single or not.

One way to help would be to look at yourself. Everyone is excellent at something. You must be excellent at something. You must have some talent. You can do something really really good. Focus on that part. Focus on your strengths. Because you by yourself are worth it. Another person does not define you. Your awesomeness, in whatever it might be, defines you. Society makes us feel insecure if we are single. Screw them. You can be happily single, or you can be miserably taken. If I cared what anyone thought, I would be permanently depressed. So look at yourself, your strengths. People get really confused and jealous if you are comfortable and happy in your own company. Because being in a relationship is work and compromise, and so many people are miserable after the honeymoon phase. My friends envy me at my freedom. Look at the positives of being single, and when you are looking at the positives, amazing healthy women will be coming towards you 

[goldylamont]

I need a woman to make me feel good about myself. This is something I need to deal with!

Great self-observation!  This is what I was getting at.  I realized that the *biggest* reason that I needed an extremely sexually attractive woman is because of how it reflected on my self-image.  I felt that if I had a hot woman, I would be an "awesome man."  But I had to die to that.  Who cares how I look to others?  Time to take a stand for our lives against the tide of nonsense that destroys people.  Better to find a GOOD woman than one that wears temporarily like a trophy but ruins your life.  A good woman will last, and in time, will shame all the fools who chase superficial qualities to support their egos.  And even then, if I can't find one, better to be single.

How long are you away from your son at a time?  Maybe focus on what you can do with your son when you see him and focus on being the man that you want him to grow up into.  I *know* you don't want him to grow up with the same issue of needing a beautiful woman to feel like he's someone.

so true. i've discussed before how embarrassing it is for me to realize how motivated i am with being with a physically attractive woman. i know this was a big pull with my ex since i no longer felt the need to search. pretty much anywhere i went, i felt for myself that i was with the most or one of the most attractive women in the room. and this is something i've been distancing myself from, questioning, testing.

londonD i suggest you stop comparing any women you may be dating to your ex. because you aren't fully detached and what you're really doing is comparing them to some idealized version of your ex on her undeserved "pedestal". what i did and which helped me to find love again--i would treat the woman i was with with the same regard as how she treated me, by what she *did*. what actions she took. so, it was training myself in a way. if i was dating someone and they were honest and sweet, had integrity, then i would be sweet back to them. i'd reflect this back to them. i began rewarding their *deeds* rather than the superficial emotions i may have at the time of how attracted i *thought* i was to them. it may take some time to recalibrate. after doing this for a while i completely fell in love with a woman who i never thought i'd have feelings like this for.

take all of your misplaced affections for your ex and share this with the next woman who treats you right and makes you feel good. don't wait for the right moment or replacement for the idealized version of your ex to come along... .this person on a pedestal doesn't exist and it's fruitless to waste your energy trying to seek it again. you will find so much more freedom by testing what you are attracted to and why.

i'm still learning by the way... .for example, i am finding that i have certain needs as far as attractiveness. by dating women who i am attracted to a lot but finding out that, well, i do kind of need a woman who maintains a certain level of fitness, or that gives me enough of a feeling of *hellllls yeah!  but it's important to keep our egos in check regarding being with that 'hot' girl. start sharing your affections by how the woman treats you, by her integrity and you may learn some new things about yourself. i still am.

[londonD]

Thank you for your replies, they are really appreciated.

It's strange, when the relationship went bad, I couldn't wait to get out of it because she suppressed me, she wouldn't tell me I couldn't do something. I'd get the silent treatment when I brought the subject up.

I'm addicted to her! She is in Tanzania and she can only log on to the internet at a certain time each day. When she does she messages me. Today she hasn't and I'm feeling anxious.

I'm not messaging her but I'm having withdrawals from her. What's that all about?

I'm addicted to someone who treats me badly!

[camuse]

It's great that you have recognised an area for work in yourself

I too feel the need to impress and have only ever dated very attractive women. Every relationship has been a car crash. I probably have clung on to them too long, because I like having a hot woman on my arm. It's a sign of low self esteem really.  I am working on myself now so I don't feel the need to impress others.

It's good to learn and act on these weaknesses.

[OutOfEgypt]

Well... .it hurts breaking up with anybody you had a multi-year relationship and a child with.  But add to that the fact that you make her "god" to you, and of course it makes you anxious.  Been there.  It is like an addiction in many ways.  But you can work through it.  It does get better.  Let yourself grieve and cry.  That is important.  In fact, the more you allow yourself to feel the pain, the more you will see what's at the bottom of that pain -which is that you've known all along that she'll only hurt you but you still care for her.  And that is okay.  It is possible to care about someone that you need to stay away from.  But follow your "head" when it comes to setting proper boundaries with her.

Anxiety means rise in feelings.  So yeah, when she doesn't text you it probably pokes at all the pain that you are avoiding inside that knows she's gone and needs to stay gone from you.  This is about standing up and taking your life back -not to prove anything to anybody, but for the sake of your life, for what God wants you to do in life, and for your son.

[goldylamont]

i know for me what helped me to stay away was looking at how other bf's/lovers of hers acted. guys that would 'do anything' for her or basically make a fool of themselves under the guise of 'forgiveness' to attempt to stay in her good graces. to me, i'm like "F THAT". seriously. our r/s was far from perfect, and ended worse b/c of her. but i'd be damned before i became someone who enabled her abuse by acting like how she treated me and others was ok. it's not that i didn't still have feelings for her, rather that i realized she didn't deserve to know it, didn't deserve any affection so i cut her off and started giving this affection elsewhere.

a complaint i often hear from men is that some women like "arsehole" type men and will choose to be with them over nicer guys. well, if this is something that's annoying, then we have to realize when our ex's are actually the "arsehole"/abusive women -- we can't keep being there on their beck and call. what example does this set for other young men? it's up to us to take our strength back and show it through our actions.

londonD, the feelings you have are normal. we all have gone through this. but ultimately we just have to repeatedly remind ourselves that this person is abusive and unworthy of our affection or desire. you share a child and a good chunk of history with this person, so you will have to stay in contact. but it is only up to you to set boundaries and start ignoring her petty desires or manipulations. trust that if she's reaching out to you she's simply desperate and likely is reaching out to many other men right now. it's sad, but we aren't really special to pwBPD in any way after we break up and see them for who they are. we serve only to boost their egos and support their emotional dysfunction. as soon as you let your guard down and give her any bit of yourself, she'll feel satisfied and ready to throw you away and go running off with some other guy. in fact she's probably cable of doing this simultaneously with multiple men. so, own your feelings and recognized you are still attached. this is ok, we can work through this. but don't under any circumstances give her any keys to your emotions, your health or recovery at this point. cut her off. she doesn't deserve you. and if you haven't fully accepted this yet, the only way to learn will be to continue the fantasy belief and keep amp-ing up the pain until you finally accept the reality.

i know it's tough, stay strong and keep her at arm's length.

[willy45]

Welcome to the club, buddy!

In totally same boat. Have been for 2 years now post break up. And I'm still dealing with the same stuff. Why? Because I still haven't been able to trust my gut that this chick is bad news, doesn't really care about me, is massively needy, and is continually using me. I know it in my head. I knew it then. And, I know it now. But still, there is the pull.

Why am I still dealing with this 2 years out? Because every 2 or 3 months since the breakup, she calls me incessantly. Basically tells me how much she loves me and how much she misses me and then sucks me back in until I come to my senses again and tell her to go away. Then she does for a couple of months. But then she's back. And I have to fight the contact again. And thus far, I have always lost.

What is the biggest reason? I find her super hot. Her hair. Her eyes. Her breasts. Her legs. The way she would use everything she had to please me. But honestly, in my mind, I know that she used this to get me to comply with her. To suck me back in. All the time. It's getting to the point now though that I am starting to FEEL as well as KNOW that this isn't worth it. No matter what.

And the craziest thing of it all, and I'm sure many of you have had this experience... .my ex isn't that hot to most people. People look at her including my friends and are just like, yeah, she's OK. But to me, she is the most stunning thing in the world. But, she is also just a child in an adult body. And she's desperate. And needy. And scared. And deeply, deeply alone.

These are not attractive qualities in a person.

And yes. She will be back. Over and over and over again when her relationship de jour doesn't work out. Because she knows I've been sucked in before. And experience shows that I can be sucked in again.

[willy45]

And I forgot to add... .don't be a sucker.

And yes. She probably does have a whole cadre of men hanging around and she is going to use you for emotional backup before she is ready to see if some other sucker can be lined up next before she makes the plunge to ditch you. And then she'll be back when that doesn't work. And you will be on the line again until the next comes along. And then you will be ditched. And on and on and on until you will be destroyed and will want to have nothing to do with her at any cost.

If I had any piece of advice for you... .You have a son. Maybe focus on him and be a good role model for him. You can teach him how to set boundaries and how to take care of yourself. If you go down the push-pull, back and forth, your relationship with your ex will be completely destroyed as will you own self-esteem. For your sons sake, maybe take a huge step back, listen to your head and not your penis, and take care of yourself.

Sorry to be harsh. I'm in a harsh mood right now after the latest with my ex. Her latest BF ditches her and she back on me like white on rice. And I got sucked in for a week or two and now the FOG is lifting again and everything is starting to make sense again. And the sense is not a very pretty picture of her. Hope you get to this point too. Much better than feeling like it is the end of the world. Right now I'm feeling like getting back together with her would the end of the world. Not the other way around. Which is as it should be. Because that's the truth.

[londonD]

i know for me what helped me to stay away was looking at how other bf's/lovers of hers acted. guys that would 'do anything' for her or basically make a fool of themselves under the guise of 'forgiveness' to attempt to stay in her good graces. to me, i'm like "F THAT". seriously. our r/s was far from perfect, and ended worse b/c of her. but i'd be damned before i became someone who enabled her abuse by acting like how she treated me and others was ok. it's not that i didn't still have feelings for her, rather that i realized she didn't deserve to know it, didn't deserve any affection so i cut her off and started giving this affection elsewhere.

a complaint i often hear from men is that some women like "arsehole" type men and will choose to be with them over nicer guys. well, if this is something that's annoying, then we have to realize when our ex's are actually the "arsehole"/abusive women -- we can't keep being there on their beck and call. what example does this set for other young men? it's up to us to take our strength back and show it through our actions.

londonD, the feelings you have are normal. we all have gone through this. but ultimately we just have to repeatedly remind ourselves that this person is abusive and unworthy of our affection or desire. you share a child and a good chunk of history with this person, so you will have to stay in contact. but it is only up to you to set boundaries and start ignoring her petty desires or manipulations. trust that if she's reaching out to you she's simply desperate and likely is reaching out to many other men right now. it's sad, but we aren't really special to pwBPD in any way after we break up and see them for who they are. we serve only to boost their egos and support their emotional dysfunction. as soon as you let your guard down and give her any bit of yourself, she'll feel satisfied and ready to throw you away and go running off with some other guy. in fact she's probably cable of doing this simultaneously with multiple men. so, own your feelings and recognized you are still attached. this is ok, we can work through this. but don't under any circumstances give her any keys to your emotions, your health or recovery at this point. cut her off. she doesn't deserve you. and if you haven't fully accepted this yet, the only way to learn will be to continue the fantasy belief and keep amp-ing up the pain until you finally accept the reality.

i know it's tough, stay strong and keep her at arm's length.

Thanks for all the advice. I know what I need to do, it's just difficult because I look back to what I want the relationship to be and not what the reality is.

If it wasn't for my son I would have walked away years ago. She waited until I was trapped and then unleashed.

I should stay away but when she gives me attention and tells me she loves me I like it. I makes me feel wanted.

[willy45]

Yeah man. I know it. You aren't alone in your feelings here. I totally get it 100%. It is hard. But don't let yourself give in to the idea that is too hard. That one always got me tangled up. It was always 'too hard' to let her go, to ignore her contact, and her pleas for help. And of course it is extra hard when you are dealing with someone who isn't emotionally stable because you can't really trust anything they are saying. The best thing to do is to detach yourself from the whole thing. Stick to what your mind is telling you, not your heart.

I feel for you buddy. But, you will get out of it. I promise. I've been out of it so many times. It just takes time and it takes sticking to your boundaries regardless of what comes at you. You know what's up. I haven't been able to keep those boundaries myself and every time I let them down, it completely messes with my life, my head, and my heart. I start thinking all kinds of crazy things and honestly, I'm a real bummer to be around.

There are tons of great women out there. Really, there are. You just haven't been able to get into any of them right now because you are still in mourning and comparing your ex to the girls you meet. Once you get over the mourning part, you will see that girls will become more attractive to you. And probably what you will notice is that the things that you find attractive are not the things that your ex has and are things she could never provide. Someone who is going to be good to you. Someone you can deal with problems with. Someone who can be a partner. Not some needy, wretched, emotional baby who uses sex and manipulations to feed her huge black hole.

Yikes. That sounds harsh. Ha ha. But, just because it's harsh, doesn't mean its true. Kind of like that line from Tropic Thunder: Man, just cause it's a theme song don't make it not true.

[goldylamont]

I should stay away but when she gives me attention and tells me she loves me I like it. I makes me feel wanted.

really? to me hearing my ex tell me she loves me would've been offensive. why isn't it offensive to you? she loves you? it's complete and utter BS. and it's breaking your boundaries and it's offensive.

i'm feeling a bit surly now. i hope this is ok.

i finally went strict NC with my ex after 10 months of staying around as "friends", etc. you know the drill. after 6 months NC she starts texting/calling/messaging me. i felt two things--one, my ego got a little boost knowing that she had initiated getting in contact with me... .so i accepted this little ego boost but left it at that. but two, i was equally offended in her attitude acting as if nothing was wrong, not taking any responsibility, etc. this whole short period of contact was good b/c i actually had a decent 10 min conversation on the phone (but only because i refused to bring up any issues, just kept the convo surface). so it was nice to say the last time i spoke to her was cordial. but, seriously? if my ex tried that BS on me *AGAIN*, telling me that she "loved me so much", "missed the way i smelled", "thinks about me all the time", "can't stand waking up without you next to me"---are you f-ing kidding me, seriously?... .my initial emotional response at the time would have been to be *offended*. because i know it's all lies and i know she'd jump in bed with anything that moves regardless of her current 'feelings' for me.

any kind of contact with your ex will bring up anxieties, whether she's projecting good, bad or indifference. but this is a woman who you described faked as if she was a good person until you had a child together, then she let loose on her true self. this is telling of her character.

at this point it may be healthier to start viewing any silliness she's telling you for what it is. it's not love, it's need. it's not connection or commitment or specialness--it's her own needs, and only her needs. always has been. try being offended about it. you have a need to be wanted. and your ex exploits this at her whim with no care in the world how it affects you or likely her son either. this all comes down to having healthy anger. did you ever think that you have another choice, another way to feel when you get these messages from your ex? if you can't be indifferent, then at least be offended.

[londonD]

You're all very right. The whole relationship was about her needs and her wants.

The guy dumped her and she came running to me. She is lonely in Africa so she turns to me to comfort her. She needs help booking flights while in Africa so she comes to me.

It's all about her and her needs. When I refuse to help her, she goes crazy and stops speaking to me.

It's not about her love for me. It's about her needing me to bail her out

[willy45]

Amen to that. That really helps me too. Thanks.