Trying to plan a wedding as a "BPD Orphan"

[isilme]

I am happy that I am finally in a place where getting married is actually something on the horizon, money-willing, but am having a lot of trouble with envying friends who were able to share this with moms, sisters, and so on.  A lot of friends have gotten married in the last 4 years, with 3 couples alone this summer and fall.  All in all, about 18 couples have gotten hitched, and we've been able to attend many of the weddings to help them celebrate.

But as I try to think about what to do for my own wedding, I find my NC status with both parents, and total lack of any other relatives is making me sad, as is the inability to explain it to people.  Close friends and FI's family know I was abused, and do not talk to my parents... .but being so close themselves, can't really understand why it's needed.  There is always the underlying idea that I am just being a stubborn child, mad about not getting a pony or something, not that I was trapped for 15 years in a house with 2 adults, both mentally ill, violent, verbally abusive to each other as well as to me, suicidal, and both the only people I was allowed to talk to when I was not in school (my only reprieve), living several states away from any other relatives, many of whom are now deceased.  

I find that even friends who managed to pay for their weddings all themselves don't realize how much help they had from family with regards to meeting appointments, going dress shopping, moral support, decorating, picking out a place, etc., they had.  I am feeling overwhelmed, and FI and I are not affluent, and so don't have a lot of the options open to us that many of our better supported friends did.  Fi refuses to go for a courthouse, saying we've never been able to do anything nice for ourselves (a lot of that having to do with my starting off at 19 with nothing after dad finally kicked me out of the house, working my way )

Added to the mix is a slew of issues with FI's parents being essentially immobile, and his mother pretty much fitting the profile of a "Queen", we don't want to invite anyone simply to not offend her or have to get married in her living room (which would be the only way she could attend - she refuses to move from the love seat in her living room, even to eat regularly, ad so can't even go to the store anymore).  Getting her, FI's dad on a walker and oxygen, and the 90+ year old grandmother to FI's brother's wedding just two years back was hard, and they have declined more since.    The dad knows he can't go, he gets anxiety away from home as it is, around people, and had a panic attack at the brother's wedding, and just wants photos.  The grandmother is sadly lost in her own world due to her age and dementia, and on good days knows we are engaged, but also isn't really someone we think will be upset.  It's all the mother we worry about.  She's a hoarder, she's easily upset if you do anything that wasn't her idea, as she sees it as a power struggle, and she balks when you ask her to simple things, like eat on time for her own health, or move from the love seat more often than just restroom trips so her legs wouldn't atrophy.  FI's parents are an hour+ away from us, in an even more rural area than we live, so compared to the limited options here, they have even less there.  And a trip of 5 blocks to the church the brother and his wife chose was a Herculean effort.  Coming an hour's drive here might as well be the moon.  FI and I really want to do a small destination thing, where you show up, get married, and have a honeymoon the rest of the time.  But I'm not sure how she's going to feel about that, even though we are not asking anyone to contribute, not doing a registry, it will all be on us.  The only thing I'd like to ask from her is my "something borrowed", some item of her choosing I can carry on our day to have something of her and his family there.      

I want friends, the people who have become the Weasleys to my Harry Potter, and if I knew FI's mom would be able to travel even to our town, or a local beach, I'd love her to come, too, so we could have his brother and sister there, but as it is, it seems like in order to ease her feelings, we have to invite no one, to be some kind of fair to her, for FI's sake, even though I kinda want to save for a few years, go to a cheesy all-inclusive place in the Caribbean, and tell friends if they can pay their own way, they are more than welcome to come, sharing any discounts I can swing for them.  

Just feeling down about this, needing to share.  

[Harri]

Congrats on the upcoming wedding but wow, that is a complicated and lonely mess you are dealing with there.  I think the envy you feel about your friends having family who are healthy participants in their lives is expected and totally normal.  It is a big event in your life and of course you want to share it with people.  It does hurt to know there is no one in our own family who will stand beside us.  It is a terrible reality of mental illness.  I have no answers or suggestions for making those feelings go away.  "It is what it is" is a phrase that can simultaneously drive me batty and comfort me as well.  It helps me to just focus on reality and stop making comparisons.  I don't know if that would work for you, but find your own mantra, it may help.

How about deciding what you and FI want and to heck with anyone else.  Plan the wedding you want, invite his family so they know they are welcome.  That puts the choice of attending directly in their hands.  Regardless of what they say or how they act, they are entirely capable of planning out what they need to do to make this work for you both so leave them to it.  If they can get there, fine and if not, that is fine too.  After the wedding you and your fiance plan you can have a celebration at the in-laws house if that will appease them and make you feel better about things.   

  You can have a weenie roast and include them if you like. Okay, sorry, I promise you I am not making light of this, but seriously it sounds like you realize they have set up a perfect situation where you will become the aggressor and they the victim no matter what you do... .so I say do what you want for you.  Do the destination wedding of your dreams.  Plan a party for after you come back from the honeymoon.  People do that all the time these days.

Keep posting. 

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

You have no family and his family sounds depressing.    I had the joy snapped out of my moment only just reading about them.  How do you envision your future?  Your life?    Build that new vision together.  That is what marriage is about.    You can't allow all these life "giver uppers" to drag down your plans.

Sounds like the two of you need to move away and start a NEW LIFE.    Have a small wedding.   Go for a cruise if you have to.     If you have a ceremony send out the invites and include directions.  AMEN!   

You know why?  Cause as you and your new husband build happy lives together you are going to attract some wonderful people into it.    Family isn't all blood.   

Good luck to you... .you deserve better.

[isilme]

Thanks Harri and funfunctional,

I really needed that.  Yes, his family is depressing.  He is trying hard to be the "good son", but frankly with their own levels of dysfunction, it makes it hard on him.  I feel bad, not being able to bring in supportive family of my own as  balance, and instead have a vacuum.  FI was there for my being kicked out, and then dealing with a serial shoplifting, Identity stealing mom, and even he has trouble at times understanding how I can be so sad not having them in my life seeing as how bad they were for me.

I really DO want to basically elope to one of the cheesey all-inclusive resorts that handles small weddings, tell some friends the date and place, and see who can make it.  It will take us 2 years to save for it, which is good as far as losing weight goes, but I guess I'm just tired at feeling I have to wait so long for 'normal' things, and that they are 5 times harder to accomplish than for our friends with more traditional backgrounds.

There's just a lot of other stuff on our plates now, too, and I'd really like to have something solid to plan for, look forward to, but FI has some job issues making that look hard on top of the existing issues with family.  Ugh.  I just want to go marry him on a beach and have a real vacation for once in our lives.  I don't want to feel guilty or selfish for wanting that.

[P.F.Change]

How about deciding what you and FI want and to heck with anyone else. 

^^^Good question.

Isilme, as I read your post I kept getting the sense you are trying to punish yourself somehow. Maybe you don't feel you deserve to do things the way you want to? Do you feel guilty about something?

It's understandable to be feeling sad about not having a supportive family during this time. Yet there's still a choice of what to do with those feelings... .Can you acknowledge them and then acknowledge the positive things as well? Maybe somebody took a big swig out of your metaphorical glass before it even got to you, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy what's left of it or fill it up with something else. Not half-full or half-empty... .just a glass, your choice what to do with it.

Any chance a wedding planner can help you with some of the details? It seems like an added expense, but for me even on a budget it was well worth it. She lined up the vendors and handled everything (including my mother!) on my wedding day, so we could enjoy it. Something to think about if you want.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[martillo]

Are you in the States?  My brother and his fiance are going to Vegas in a month to a wedding chapel there and getting married - basically all alone, and the ceremony will be streamed live online for anyone who cares to participate "live" and for later viewing for those who can't do that.  I would guess that many of the "destination wedding" sites have something similar.

It doesn't take away the feeling of being alone that you are experiencing in the planning process, but it solves the dilemma of finding the just-right locale to meet potential guests needs - meet you and your fiance's needs and let family and friends share in the moment in their own way!

[isilme]

PF,

Yes, I feel guilty about a lot - it's a big leftover from growing up as I did.  It's still hard to shake the feelings that something is very wrong with me or I'd have parents with me in my life.  I had to explain it to someone by asking if they'd ever read/seen harry Potter - I feel like Harry, and there've been some kind Weasleys in my life, but I know that awkward feeling Harry would get, painfully aware of how he was borrowing Ron's family.  God, I'm crying now about this.  

I feel terrified of trying to plan something like this, like I am presuming I DO deserve it.  I bucked up some courage and asked two friends if they'd mind coming with me to dress shop, and it's hard to explain how terrifying just asking that was to do.  I know that sounds nuts, but that's just me.  I've done pretty much everything I could on my own, because I was trained very much not to ask.  FI is one of the only people I CAN ask, and even with him I have a hard time admitting I need help.  Also, FI and I have been together a loong time, and so I feel a little silly that after 18 years we are finally engaged, and it might be 20 before we can be married, again, like I don't deserve to do what I want.  

Yes.  I still have trouble believing I have any right to anything happy.  I still feel very much my job is to take care of people, hence the issues with FI's mother.  When we stay over, I can't stop myself from falling back into caretaker mode, partly because I feel I owe it to her for helping me have a roof over my head when I was kicked out.

I guess I am just waiting for the two people I am NC with to pop in - another reason FI wants to go away for a wedding is he knows my dad would love to stop by, uninvited, if her gets wind of it, just to put me off-kilter.  I still give them too much room in my head.  

Today also just seems to be a dumpy mood day.  FI is having a bad time right now with work being what it is - he's trying to talk to an attorney today and might have to file a lawsuit against the boss and her conduct.  I'm afraid I've latched on to this idea of a chance for a wedding as a way for us to finally do something that makes life feel like more than work, sleep, repeat, for us to have a bright goal, hopefully in reach, to work towards instead of just feeling like we need to only survive.  We both feel that way right now, and I know it's not right.  We are usually only able to live paycheck to paycheck, especially in the last few years as things seem to have gotten more expensive without an increase in spending ability.  So I guess part of this is wanting to give myself something, and yes, feeling guilty for daring to want it.  The worst sin in my household, other than waking up Mom, was to be a selfish child.  I was selfish for wanting school clothes.  I was selfish for wanting toys.  I was selfish for needing to go to the doctor when I was sick.  I made sure to chose the cheapest, least troublesome option with anything, from getting myself to prom to attending college.  

So I guess I feel selfish for wanting to just go to the Caribbean for a quick wedding and honeymoon, a "real" dress, and some small trappings of a wedding.  I am pretty sure we can afford it in 2 years, and the places I'd want to go do all the planning for you - you get off the plane, and they tell you what to do.  I really, really just needed a place to talk today.  Since we got engaged in May, close friends have been asking our plans, FIs parents and siblings have been asking, and I really WANT us to HAVE plans.  Fi said it kinda funny while telling a few friends what we are thinking about (he must really like the idea somewhat, too, because he's always looking at the brochures one resort sent us) - his sister had the BIG wedding, his brother the smaller, home-town wedding, and so we get to elope, just to round things out.  We just have to sort his work out, hope he still has some sort of paycheck, get through a few holidays at home with his parents, and then hopefully do what we want.  

[isilme]

martillo,

We thought about Vegas, but I think for both of us, being outside on the water is what we want, and I looked at Vegas venues and they didn't feel right.  Originally, we both wanted to a place in Michigan from a movie we love, "Somewhere in Time", but that's pretty pricey

So I have been asking for information from all-inclusive, pre-planned places after talking with one of the recently married couples about their honeymoon at Sandals.  FI really likes their brochures, and I got quotes from their competition that can be done, if we wait a while longer to save.

I really thank everyone for understanding the whole alone-aspect.  It's hard to explain to people with family around them all their lives.

[claudiaduffy]

isilme,

Just wanted you to know there's someone else out there who is a BPD "orphan" who just did a do-it-ourselves wedding. While my uBPDm (waif/hermit), enabling dad, and uBPDmil (queen/witch) were all in attendance, they did nothing to help in any way (and did some things to hinder. My uBPDmil marked things on our public registry as "purchased" if she didn't think we should have them, so that other people wouldn't buy them for us.   ) My then-fiance's father died suddenly exactly one week before our wedding, and his mom put immense pressure on us to not get married - or to not have our wedding at my church as planned - because it would somehow be "disrespectful" of her husband's memory. She wanted to turn our wedding (which had guests coming from out of the country and couldn't be postponed, not that we wanted to) into being about her grief (which was more about losing her son to me than losing her husband to death).

We refused. We refused to let our losses define us. We refused to let our parents' dysfunction rule our choices. We wanted our life together (because of our personal beliefs and commitments, we did not live together before our marriage ) and we refused to let even our own desire for a lovely wedding get in the way of having our wedding as soon as we wanted it. We found ways to have beauty, grace, and joy all over the wedding day. We used flowering herbs from a friend's yard instead of paying for flowers. We used another friend's field for our cake-and-fruit reception, and a friend made the cake. I called in favors from everyone whose weddings I've helped with over the years, and we ended up with a professional photographer who shot our wedding for the price of her plane tickets - which my maid of honor took up a collection for from among other friends, to defray the cost for us. We would have loved to have served wine and food, because those are very important to us, but we could not afford it, so instead we had our wedding early in the afternoon and had a group sing-along instead of a meal, where we could enjoy our friends - who all understood that we were throwing the best party we could.

I want to encourage you to reach for what you want with your wedding, but to also not let anyone's ideals - even your own! - stop you from moving steadily toward what you REALLY want (which, I'm guessing, is the actual marriage - not just the wedding.) Figuring out that balance isn't easy, but for me and my husband, it was a really great time of growing closer together as we solved the problems inherent in such a difficult situation and stressful time.

And I'm really sorry about all of it for you. I really do know how much it sucks. One of the very few actual bad parts of my wedding day was when my mom insisted on getting a picture of her kissing me as I was dressing in my gown. It wasn't worth it to me to have her go into hysterics if I refused, but all my bridesmaids were on the alert and distracted her away from me again after the photographer got the shot. I also had police force and nurse friends at the wedding who were ready for my MIL to try a dramatic fight or fainting spell. Fortunately, none of that happened, and also fortunately, my husband and I were so done with all the drama that we just quit worrying about it and let our friends be ready to handle it for us. We had our eyes set on the goal of the no-phone-access honeymoon we had coming up and NOTHING was going to keep us from that.   

[isilme]

claudiaduffy,

Thank you.  Yes, I want the marriage, but for a long time I've kinda denied my desire for either, which I guess has been my coping mechanism.  And the more I think about PFs comments, the more I realize that I HAVE been operating under an assumption that I do not deserve happiness.  That I am not good enough, that I am just selfish. 

I understand about the not wanting the staged photo with your mom.  I'd love to have A mom, just not the one I've got - our relationship is more like she is my 68 year old teenage daughter I've cared for since age 7,  who steals, shoplifts, and writes hot checks in my name, abuses medications, then denies all of it while I bail her out of jail.  She came to my college graduation.  She didn't 'misbehave' other than hanging on me, but I really didn't want her there.  I'd done it on my own, from scholarship to graduation.  It irked me somehow.

FI knows he's been a late-launcher, and has been coming more and more to terms with it, and I see a lot of it was partly due to his mom not wanting to let him go.  He proposed this year after I had a breakdown telling him finally how it made me feel to be together so long but not engaged, not married, while every other couple we know has done so, and even moved on to children (I'm on the fence about kids - worried I'm too messed up to be a good mom).  He said he'd been looking at rings for a few years, but each time he'd saved up for something the AC broke, or another big expense popped up, and he didn't know it made me feel like he, too, didn't feel I was good enough to hold on to, just like my dad's family.  Also, he didn't want to deal with his mother's reactions - not that she doesn't like me, just that she always makes at least one unfortunate comment that you don't realize till you're n the drive home how it really sounded.  He was worried I guess that I'd want a big huge affair, too, meaning his mom would take charge.  It shocked him that he had contributed to my feeling that way, and he proposed a few weeks later as soon as the ring arrived.

We also fear both the grandma and his dad will pass in the next 8-18 months, and how the mom will react, but I guess we both need to step out of the whole caretaker role - she's an adult who has chose to sit on a love seat, not manage her diabetes, and only wants to watch TV all day, regardless of the needs of both herself and the other 2 in the house - the dad and the grandma.  If she finally gets up to cook something, or help with something other than counting pills for the day, it's the most horrible imposition.  If anyone goes, I'll just have to hope it's not in May this or next year - I m going to feel selfish about that statement, but it's honest.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that a trip to the Somewhere in Time hotel or the Caribbean is what I want, what he wants, and he doesn't really WANT his mom there anymore than I want mine. 

So as long as FI doesn't lose his job and the people he's been making reports to about his boss' misconduct DO something, maybe we can finally be married, in a nice way that isn't the courthouse - that's his biggest thing - HE's the one who's said no JP, something nice, small, but nice enough for a few photos to send home, and maybe a video. 

I am sorry your wedding had BPD rearing it's head, but I am glad you both went through with it, and wish you a very happy life together.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello isilme,

I also want to encourage you to celebrate life with your fiance and do what the two of you want.

My husband and I got one of those packages and got married by ourselves, we had nobody we knew there, only anonymous witnesses and the officiating person. It was completely stress free, and we were taken care of - we had a sweet, peaceful honeymoon.

My dreams came true - I wanted a summer wedding (we got married in the fall, but the weather there was summer); I was stressed about having to prepare a wedding for myself, having helped my friends; in the end, I got married stress-free, I didn't have to do anything.

In a way, it was really intimate and romantic, and I wouldn't have it any other way, if I had to do it over. Those are memories that only my husband and I share, and we love to remember it. I didn't even have a dress (I was going to have one for free - provided by our family friends who own a weddings & formal dress rental company; but I didn't want to ask them while explaining the whole situation, plus, transporting the dress wouldn't have been fun either). We were going to have pictures, but forgot the camera in the hotel, so we just rolled with the program and enjoyed ourselves (I hate having my picture taken at formal occasions, so in a way, it was another plus) 

My husband's parents had passed away and mine weren't going to come - they didn't approve, if it wasn't going to be done their way.

Also, a friend of mine was getting married in another country, so she and her fiance threw a pre-wedding party for their friends, and it was a lovely one. I wonder if that would be something you would enjoy with your friends... .

[Panda39]

Okay so the first thing I have to do and this is soo embarrassing... .I must confess to binge watching "Say Yes to the Dress" on netflix    or maybe this      I can't help it the wedding dresses are so fun to look at!

So anyway... .on one episode the bridal couple had their wedding at someone's house at a lovely location in Napa Valley and they had their friends marry them (no minister) many of their friends took turns and the couple said their own vows to each other.  I really liked that idea it was very simple.

My suggestion is to invite the "family" you and your fiance have created around yourselves, your friends.  Also, do you have an older female friend who might be able to act as "mother of the bride" if you asked her? Don't be afraid to ask your friends for help (I know that can sometimes be hard) I'm sure you will find help and support if you ask for it.

I'm sorry something that should be fun and wonderful is being made so complicated by your parents.

Wishing you and your fiance a wonderful wedding day 

[claudiaduffy]

FI knows he's been a late-launcher, and has been coming more and more to terms with it, and I see a lot of it was partly due to his mom not wanting to let him go.  ... .  Also, he didn't want to deal with his mother's reactions - not that she doesn't like me, just that she always makes at least one unfortunate comment that you don't realize till you're n the drive home how it really sounded.  He was worried I guess that I'd want a big huge affair, too, meaning his mom would take charge... .

We also fear both the grandma and his dad will pass in the next 8-18 months, and how the mom will react... .  If anyone goes, I'll just have to hope it's not in May this or next year - I m going to feel selfish about that statement, but it's honest.

Oh, dear girl. Listen to you.   Your FI's mom might not be a pwBPD like your mom, but you are both walking on eggshells around her and operating out of fear, obligation, and guilt.

You are totally right that it is time to quit acting like caretakers for his family. To hand the reins of responsibility back to his parents instead of saddling yourselves with the burdens of their lazy choices.

DO NOT feel selfish about hoping their possible passings don't derail your plans - you and your FI can encourage each other toward a much fuller health in this! You are allowed to make your plans. What is allowed to derail your plans is only allowed to do so IF YOU WANT IT TO. The day after his father died, my then-fiance and I sat down with a counselor and talked through what our response would be if his mom pulled a major stunt at any day that day through the end of our honeymoon. So that we knew that if she attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital, or did anything else of a similar nature, what our response would be and under what specific circumstances we'd alter our wedding day plans. It's not that we thought through contingencies for every possible scenario, but that in general, we had our priorities in order so that in the moment of decision, we would not feel selfish or reactive. Nobody else had the power to make our plans different. If we changed our plans, it was our choice. We were not trapped by anyone else's actions or feelings.

Please, if you can, take some time with your FI to purposefully and consciously set your hearts and wills on each other and free yourselves to take responsibility for only your own choices and not anything else! Your happiness together does not depend on how things work out at his job. It does not depend on if/when his father, grandmother, or anyone else dies. It does not depend on any anything other than how you two decide to live your lives and your life together. Yes, you deserve to have the wedding that you want. You are not being unreasonable or selfish with this. But how you make these choices - and what you tell yourself about things being out of your power and what can keep you from happiness - will define your relationship and your marriage. I think you can free yourselves from the FOG, the eggshells, the worry, and the negativity, and have a really great wedding and marriage. It is in your power to do it!

[isilme]

Thank you, all.  This is pretty much the only place I can come to talk to people who can understand. 

[claudiaduffy]

Thank you, all.  This is pretty much the only place I can come to talk to people who can understand. 

While I'm sorry you don't have someone in the flesh who understands, it can be a mixed bag when your five closest friends all have certifiable bat... .crap crazy pwPDs in their family, and then your other close friends start referring you as a resource to people they know who have uBPDs too... .all that to say, I hope you have some good friends with more normal, good, decent families that you can hang out with! You and your fiance need it. =)

[sophiegirl]

Hi Isilme,

Firstly there is nothing wrong with you! There is nothing wrong in wanting a wedding, a honeymoon or children.

I had an orphan wedding. Just me, husband to be, a celebrant, another couple who doubled as the best man, father of the bride and photographer and a bunch of friends. We hired a boat, organised a caterer and bought a ready made cake and a load of fizz. my friend videoed the wedding (we had it in a cave) and it was very memorable for everyone.

I sent the a copy of the dvd to my mother who said it was like a 'joke' wedding as everyone was laughing! so I'm glad she wasn't there, she would have scowled in the corner and would have made the whole day about her.

as for children, I really didn't want them as I have very few good childhood memories and I think that influences the decision, (perhaps I was afraid of turning out like mother) then I changed my mind and wow! at last I know what mother child love is all about and I can see so clearly that my mothers actions towards me were and are not normal. As a mother I would give my life for my kids I love them so much. I don't think my mother would have ever felt like that.

and so Isilme, I really hope you go ahead and have a wonderful wedding, on a beach, far from the madding crowds, in your lovely dress, its your day, enjoy xxxx