Should I get a friend to check on her?

[SpringInMyStep]

Ok, one month ago my wife moved out and we've had limited contact until an email blow-out and now no contact at all. I am very happy to be apart from her. However, sometimes I check up on her by looking at her online dating profile to see when she's online. She is ALWAYS online. She rarely leaves her condo except to go on dates or to therapy. She doesn't travel. She is always attached to her laptop.

I noticed that she has not been on her profile for 2 days. So now I'm worried. Even though it is not my job to worry about her anymore... .I know she's been suicidal in the past, I know she has ads on craigslist, she's transgender, she does dangerous/risky things without thinking of the consequences. It's just got me worried.

Should I ask our mutual friend to check on her or just stay out of it?

[camuse]

Imo, no, it's not your concern now. Sounds harsh, but you can't spend your life taking care of her. Why are you looking if she is online? This will make it impossible to detach and move on. You shouldn't be checking on her, and if you weren't checking, you wouldn't know she had gone offline anyway.

Just my 2c

[seeking balance]

Strawberries,

Why triangulate a friend? 

Listen to yourself, this is you right now:

"Hi Friend, well you see I am on an online dating site and have been watching my wife, well she is not on there right now, so can you make sure she is ok?"

Does this sound rational to you?

Best,

SB

[SpringInMyStep]

Yeah, well since you put it that way, it does sound kinda ridiculous. I know I shouldn't be checking on her but sometimes I slip up. And it's not like I find out any information other than yes, she's online. I already know she's always online, so there's really no point.

Ok good... .I will not say anything. I mean, we are still married, so if something did happen, I'm sure I'll find out eventually anyway. Someone will notify me.

[seeking balance]

I know I shouldn't be checking on her but sometimes I slip up.

Slippery slope here Strawberries - you went out on a 2nd date with a pwBPD and you are still married and dating online... .do you honestly think this is the path you want to pursue?

If I recall correctly, you see a T - don't you want to spend a little time with YOU, so you can gain your balance and perspective?

Have you filed divorce papers yet?

[elessar]

I have done it multiple times in the past. It has never turned out well. As others said, you can't spend your time taking care of her, as much as you want to. They are adults. And as long as they know they can fall upon someone, they won't get help. Just like children, they must learn to stand up by falling down. Unfortunately, most BPDs always find someone to cling to, and never get help. But those who truly can't dig any deeper, they go for help. If she ever asks for help, it is your call. But if she doesn't, and you don't feel there is an imminent danger to life, no reason to involve someone else.

[SpringInMyStep]

We're still married yes, and I have filed divorce papers. I only went on a second date with that woman because I didn't know she had BPD. I'm not looking for a serious relationship, but it's fun to go hang out with people.

Oh and when we were together, we were polyamorous, so I've had my dating profiles up for the entire time. This isn't new.

I'm spending TONS of time with myself and creating new boundaries, such as discontinuing contact with a person after finding out she has BPD. I went on a date last night with a very nice woman who does not have a mental illness and we had a great time.

[Tolou]

Listen to yourself, this is you right now:

"Hi Friend, well you see I am on an online dating site and have been watching my wife, well she is not on there right now, so can you make sure she is ok?"

Does this sound rational to you?

Best,

SB

  Could not have said this better in anyway shape or form! Great outlook!

[SpringInMyStep]

I found out that in order to refinance my condo, because we are still married, she will have to come to my closing and sign some paperwork. Ugh. I don't think there's any other way.

So I emailed her giving her an update on the progress - because she is also waiting for my lawyer to send her the divorce papers when my refi is done - and she finally replied saying just "ok. thanks for the update". At least I know she's alive.

Also, I am hanging out with our mutual friend tonight who told me that my ex is out of town with her mother, hence sporadic internet access.

[bigredboomer]

I've watched some BPD/NPDs for a couple of decades now and my mum was certified insane, and I can say with certainty a couple of things.

1. The relationship with the new person will end.

2. The person that they're with is going through the the same depth of misery and confusion you went through but you aren't privy to those details cause then you'd be right.

3. Insane people get a lot more competent when you don't help them.

4. The more you help them the crazier they become.  This is called enabling.

5. Life is really better with NC unless you were unfortunate enough to have kids with them.