Did I invalidate her?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

I finally went NC after 7 weeks of trying to break down a wall of silence... .text / email / calls / etc

I sent the below email, I do love her but did I invalidate her in anyway? 2 days NC sofa... .

Hey

All the best, hope you find what your looking for. (said she wanted a more superior man?)

Please don't think I didn't care or didn't try and find away forward.

I cared deeply for you

Take care

x

Hopefully it didn't invalidate her?

Please someone comment on that?

[Flora73]

Hi everyone,

I finally went NC after 7 weeks of trying to break down a wall of silence... .text / email / calls / etc

I sent the below email, I do love her but did I invalidate her in anyway? 2 days NC sofa... .

Hey

All the best, hope you find what your looking for. (said she wanted a more superior man?)

Please don't think I didn't care or didn't try and find away forward.

I cared deeply for you

Take care

x

Hopefully it didn't invalidate her?

Please someone comment on that?

[Recooperating]

2 days NC here too... .He called and called... .Left messages and git his shrink to contact me.

Can I ask you an honest question? Why are you so worried you invalidated her? She can put you down saying she wants a superior man and you worry that this non-insulting message hurts her?

It is best to stop feeling guilty, responsible, obligated etc.

How she takes a messages is not your responisibility, nor is it your problem when you ended the relationship. I know its hard... .Im trying to get out of the FOG too!

Hang in there! Stay NC and take care of you!

[Flora73]

Oh I didn't end the relationship.

Why do I care, its my nature... .she has a mental illness... .

Its not her fault.

I'm looking after myself very well... I just don't want to compound to her issues.

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, you didn't say much, but a borderline hears everything through the BPD filter, so she could take it any number of ways.

It's important now to speak from your heart and be 100% honest about everything; see if your email passes that test, if it does, let it go, she'll do with it what she does with it.  Borderlines are extremely needy, as anyone who's life is a living hell would be, and if you're anything like me, you edited what you told her, didn't tell her certain things, started to put her possible reactions to things first as you made decisions on what to say or do.  That is NOT a healthy relationship: for contrast, a healthy relationship is one in which both partners are open, honest and forthright with each other, show each other respect, and when issues come up they are discussed, also openly and honestly, until they get resolved, which might result in growth for both people and strengthening of the relationship.  That probably wasn't the case with her, yes?  You probably put her needs ahead of your own constantly, until your needs didn't exist.  Are you still doing that just a little bit now?

[Flora73]

Thank you fromheeltoheal

I have put my needs first, have gone away and spent 7 weeks strengthening myself, read too many books etc... .all because I do love her.

But your right in what you say. My issue was from day one I wasn't strong enough to push back and say this isn't correct behaviour and walk away.

I was to loving and wanted to be there how ever I could... .so I got sucked dry and discarded.

Would I take her back... .yes, however Im one hard ass now and will not show to much emotion and be a rock that doesn't waiver... . 

[Recooperating]

I am sorry Flora73 for jumping to conclusions about you breaking up or that the relationship has ended. I assumed so since you are posting in the failed relationship section.

Sorry.

[TheBPDSurvivor]

I have put my needs first, have gone away and spent 7 weeks strengthening myself, read too many books etc... .all because I do love her.

I find it ironic that you say you put your needs first and did this and that but at the end you say you did all these because you love her.

So you're still putting her on pedestal. You've to come out of the vortex to see the real you and your needs. She doesn't really care about what you think or feel. Its all about her NEEDS.

I'm sorry but you're still in the FOG. Hundreds of Thousands members here in this leaving board thought the same way as like you... to help her, to be supportive to her, to be the life savior, etc... , unfortunately their mind won't work that way.

Better put the thoughts about her away for a week or two and see if it helps make you think with a clear mind.

[Flora73]

Cheers TheBPDSurvivor

I feel you don't get my point... .is that ironic?

She is mentally ill... .

Im a strong person but as anyone knows BPD is kinda left field when you have never encountered it.

My BPD exGF is the transparent type and has had a hard life, of  the time with her 90% was great and 10% rubbish.

My statement of "I have put my needs first, have gone away and spent 7 weeks strengthening myself, read too many books etc... .all because I do love her"

Is exactly that, as I need skills to deal with the 10% that has been rubbish. Would that not be called getting out of the FOG as you put it?

[OutOfEgypt]

I agree with Recooperating.  I thought the same thing.  First, I thought, "Ok, where is the allegedly invalidating statement?"  Second, I thought, "She says she wants a better man, yet he is worried about invalidating *her*?"

I agree with BPDSurvivor, too.  FOG, bigtime.  You did those things because you love her?  Time to take hold of your life, my friend.  Time to take her off the pedestal and stop fawning all over her.  

I can't really restate it better than the others, so I'm just going to challenge and encourage you forward.  At some point it really is a choice between you or her... .you either choose you, and your life, and your potential, and your future and ability to have a healthy and happy relationship with someone else (or really anyone else... .because even friends will not be able to compete with the version of her you have enshrined in your head)... .OR... .you choose staying in this FOG with her, always worrying about if you pissed her off, always walking on eggshells, living like you are in a cheezy romance-drama movie where literally everything you do is all about her (they call that obsession, by the way, not a healthy love), and always being stuck on her, never being able to move on, yet never having the relationship with her that you crave, endlessly walking the earth like a trapped soul.  You are holding the key, not her, my friend.  Swing the gate open and walk out, and keep walking out.

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm looking after myself very well... I just don't want to compound to her issues.

Is it that you see her as a fragile vase, too delicate to actually handle real life like everybody else (which would be her problem to rectify, not yours), or is it that you see her as an intimidating, hungry lioness, ready to attack when provoked?