reconciliation? nope...

[Starrynite]

I've concluded I'm not going to reconcile with my dBPDsis. It took me a long time to come to this  and I'm actually not sure if the day will ever come.

She got really nasty about a year plus ago with texts wishing me death (among other nastiness) and that was my last straw... .I went NC and emailed her as such, very matter of factly, with no emotion. The apology came three weeks later, of course. The NC didn't last long due to the fact I was going home for Christmas. I asked her to stay away, but me being the healthy one took it back as its the holidays and its not right to exclude... .she never did come around (thank Goddess!). After the holidays I contacted her about seeking resources to help her cope and be functional. She didn't like that much and told me her mental health was none of my business. We then we mutually agreed to see her psychiatrist for a session. That session happened last week.

It didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I had planned to not have any emotions and use SET and DEARMAN and all that, but I did have emotions and I forgot the tools. I felt like she was talking to me through her psychiatrist. Her doctor talked mostly. My sister didn't say much, except that she wanted me in her life, and then sat there like she was such a victim, talking in a calm voice (Where's the sister I know who has a chip on her shoulder and knows it all?) I didn't like her doctor much either. She grimaced a couple times at what I said (is that not unprofessional?) and took forever to express her thoughts and questions (maybe because you have to speak ever so gently with BPs). Granted she's my sister's doctor so they have a history... .In hindsight the doctor did what she needed to-no emotion, fact based... .

I did get to tell her that I do not trust her nasty behavior will not happen again and I do not want my young daughter to bear witness. I got to tell her how hurt I felt when she said the nastiness to me after all my years of being soo good and helpful to her. I can't help but go back to the fact that it doesn't matter because she can't empathize... .

I ended up leaving the session about 20 minutes in. What was the point of carrying on if I do not want to reconcile.

My sister is sick and she doesn't take care of herself. She crossed a line with me and I am having a heck of a time going back and trying to forgive and move forward.

My life is peaceful without her. No drama scenes and it's not stressful when I visit with family.

I think I have to grieve a loss of a sister now... .

[Valley Quail]

Hi Starrynite,

I am so sorry for the pain that you don't deserve. You are doing really well... .taking care of your well-being... .and unfortunately having to grieve the loss of your sister in the process.


I too am grieving the loss of my mom. I empathize with your pain and for what it's worth, you are doing a great job... .you gave the therapy the ol' college try, you are seeing that she is sick and doesn't take care of herself, you're staying free from her drama, and are taking care of your needs. Those are incredible healthy steps forward and I am sorry for the grief you're going through. It will get better.


Peace and hugs,

VQ

[Starrynite]

Thanks for your words VQ! It's hard but I know this is the right step for me to take. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to loose your mother. But if it means taking care of your well being and living a healthy life then so be it.

Have you had to deal with the backlash from family? Or trying to justify your decision? Last xmas my cousin requested I be the bigger person and give her a call... .I was pretty put off and explained to him the situation in greater detail. I think he understood after but I know the family wants me to reconcile. I just can't. Not now and maybe never.

[Deb]

I found that what I was actually grieving wasn't losing the sister I had, but losing the sister I could have had. By that I mean, if my sister did not have BPD, I might have had one of those relationships with her where we were best friends. But BPD made it so I would never have that sister. And I can't live with the one that BPD made for me. I can't live with the nastiness and always being blamed for things that she did.

I also had a cousin that tried to get me to be the better person. Tried to guilt me with "What if she died... ." His wife shut him up. I didn't see him for 2 years. During that time, he had an interaction with relatives that was a lot like my interactions with dBPD sis. He has never mentioned sis again to me.

[Harri]

Hi starry.  It sounds to me like you are taking the best possible route to protect yourself and your life.  It is hard and it hurts and I am sorry that it came to this for you but I applaud your decision. 

My dad and brother wanted me to come around and try to fix things with my mother and though my situation was a bit different from you I still had to deal with family trying to interfere.  See my mother started the silent treatment after I moved out of the house, thereby I was abandoning her in her mind.  The Great Silence lasted about 9 months.  So I never had to make the decision for no contact at that point as it was taken out of my hands.  Looking back, I consider myself lucky on that. 

During the time my mom refused to speak or even look at me, I still had contact with my dad and brother and would go to the house occasionally.  Those visits were tense, scary for me and I can remember feeling sick to my stomach.  But I used those visits as an opportunity to practice speaking up for myself, saying no and implementing boundaries.  My dad and brother were welcome to visit me but I told my dad straight up that I would not tolerate him trying to coax me back home and that if he continued to do so, he would no longer be welcome.  As for him trying to defend her and get me to be the bigger person I simply said no, I am tired of being hurt and being her scapegoat for everything and that I refuse to be used by her any more.  he was not at all happy and my brother was pissed off but they got the message.  Eventually, a few years later, things got a bit less chilly and then things happened that just made it easy for her to come around a bit more.  I never did go the no contact route but I did go with limited contact right up until she died.  I can remember feeling guilty because I felt like I was using my family situation as a lab experiment of sorts to learn to stan up for myself and take care of me but it worked for my situation. 

So yes, I had to deal with backlash from my family in terms of them trying to play peace keeper (ha!  there was never any chance of 'peace' with her) and in terms of their crying and whining (sounds harsh but that is the way it came across to me).  There was also a bit of a distortion campaign that involved her friends and neighbors. 

I never justified or explained my stance.  I never tried to get anyone to see my side.  I knew in my case it would just backfire and add fuel to the gossip that I knew was going on (though I will admit that my family was very small so I did not have the pressure from cousins like you have).  I kept my reasons to myself unless someone asked and then how I responded depended on who was asking.  My responses ranged anywhere from "i prefer not to discuss my reasons" to "I can't deal with bat ___ crazy anymore" now "do you really want to involve yourself in this stuff?" all said politely and with a smile and with an occasional eye roll.  All were effective and rarely did anyone get upset.  They got it.  People are going to talk and question.  Let them and do not justify or excuse.  The people who know you won't believe it and hopefully they won't involve themselves. 

Hang in there.

[Valley Quail]

Hi Starrynite,

I too have had people say things... .a family friend kept emailing me to try to get me to "work it out". I just ignored it and then he continued emailing and saying he was really worried about me and was really worried about her (fear, obligation, guilt.) My mom's sister whom she's close with put out a poster on facebook. I don't know if she was referring to some other situation she may be going through... .but the poster said "When people walk away, let them. Life isn't about the people who walk away, it's about those that come along for the ride."   The no-contact was my mom's idea ( I just didn't give in when she changed her mind) so that's pretty funny if she's referring to me.


My mom has been to therapy for BPD and she can't stay with it or apply the methods for very long, a common characteristic for those who venture to try the therapy. One of the most helpful things I read while doing research was that therapists agree ... .you don't treat BPD, you ignore them. For severe cases like my mom's, I learned after 16 years of trying, that for me... .this is true. She continues to harass me any way she can usually every few days for the past five months, but I simply ignore. It has brought the most peace and calm into my life in 16 years. I also read that the therapy is great but that you have a better chance of "rocketing to the moon on a banana" than getting them to stick with it and have healthy character. It is a grieving process, but these findings have really helped me to stop wasting precious time, energy and mental health on someone who is harmful and lacks empathy. I can certainly understand your not wanting contact, the grief, the pressure from others, etc, and you're doing a great job.


I like what you had to say Deb about not missing the sister you had, but the one you wish you had. And Harri, I like what you had to say, that the people who know you won't believe them.

Peace and hugs,

VQ

[beatup]

Hi Starry,

  Very interesting, thank you for sharing. Had you decided there was no point before you went to therapy or 20 minutes in?

  My situation is similar... .and I also have decided there is no point. My uBPD sis & I have agreed to therapy twice in the past 2 years and she has found a way out both times. The 2nd time included another verbal assault. I sat with that for a while and concluded there is just no point. As you said, there is no guarantee with reconciliation that more nastiness is not right around the next corner... .and that is hard to agree to... .add onto that there is no remorse for anything, no apologies, no responsibility, no retractions or admission of lies. I think that I have been grieving the loss for a long time and I am letting go.

I know just how you feel.

[funfunctional]

Hi Starrynite,

I read your post and a part of me was "jealous" that your sister even apologies to you or tries to reconcile.    But then I thought but "she then apologies and then keeps up the same behavior."   That is a pickle.   At least with my BPD sister she is NC and I don't have to worry about her trying to contact me.   Hell no.   She is so nasty and bitter and so always the victim it is more fun right now for her to feed herself and everyone else around her that I am the most awful person in the world.   That will serve her nasty drama for a long time.    

I know what you mean Starry about no drama and we really do deserve to live free of daily drama.   Our sisters feed off this.   It is almost like a cup of coffee for me... .these woman have to have it.   Drama, hate, nasty feed their souls.    They are like 5 year olds lashing out blindly becuz they think people are putting them down or talking about them or other people hate them.

Sad - but then we have that choice.   Is it worth it keeping someone in our lives 360 days a year for the 5 holidays?    How do we want to spend our time?

[Starrynite]

Thanks you so much   all for sharing your experiences and support. It literally brings me to tears.

Deb-My sister and I never really got along... .even as kids. As adults it got better, I think because of maturity and complacency on my part. I never had the sister I always wanted, really. I have fantastic friends who have filled that void though

Harri-I too have learned how to filter my responses as to how my relationship is with my dBPDsis. I used to get into deets to defend my stance and get people to understand but sometimes its futile. Such a process managing this poop pile... .

beatup-It took some time, but it was probably a few days to a week before I made the decision. I think what did it was stumbling on old emails from her where I was being supportive and I got back profanity. It reminded me once again how hurtful she can be.

funfunctional-And there you said it 'How do we want to spend our time?' That was the other kicker for me. Sure, she can be nice, but she can be terribly mean and then the rug is pulled out from under me once again.

Hugs and Love to you all! Stay strong