Does it bother you just how little they put the kids first?

[momtara]

Sometimes I want to say to exH, "LOOK AT THESE ADORABLE KIDS.  How can you not be thinking about them as much as you should, and putting them first?"  My D2 is so cute and sweet.  He recognizes it when he's not triggered.  Otherwise, he just doesn't seem to care.  He only calls at night to talk to other child (she IS young, but still, d2 wants to get on the phone too... .)

As part of disengaging, I guess I just have to not get angry that he doesn't have the boundless love I do.  It is hard for me to imagine not loving the kids unconditionally.  Hard to explain what I mean, but.

This is part of what worries me about how someday he might hurt them - a concern I always have, not really based in anything actual except that he gets so hostile and cold sometimes.

[Aussie JJ]

Every second of every minute of every day I wonder then remember she doesn't want to change. 

[bravhart1]

I totally understand. I am the step mom and this is her own child and when SD5 says to me "you're a better mom than my mom" in the most innocent way, it truly breaks my heart. I know how much she wants her mama to put her first, but she is let down all the time. She notices the smallest things, like who gives her vitamins and fixes her hair and let's me know her mom doesn't do any of those things for her.

Yet has to listen to her mom tell the whole world what a great mom she is.

When the 5 yr old shows better judgment and manners than the 47 yr old uBPDm and has to practice how to say to bio mom "I'm only five, I think you need to talk to a grown up about this", its really troublesome.

[Xstaticaddict]

Yet has to listen to her mom tell the whole world what a great mom she is.

My ex would do this all the time. Perfect "single" mom (being fully supported) loving the kids for a facebook image. In reality, the kids are just neglected props trotted out to get attention. She didn't have any interest in being a real mom. The whole last year i was with her was mostly because i couldn't stand the idea of her being in charge of their care while in the downward spiral she was in.

Hardest thing to understand, that lack of nurturing instinct in a mother.

[thinkingtooslowly]

I think SO's exuBPDw likes being a parent in theory, rather than practice.  She constantly claims that SS is the most important thing in the world to her, and that he is the only thing she lives for.  However, she gave primary custody to SO without any fight at all (now she only has him EOW), and has never asked to work back to 50/50 or anything.  She rarely ever calls or asks anything about him when she doesn't have him.  She is not involved in school stuff, the last few parent teacher conferences she didn't show up, or left early to go on dates.   The way it is now, she can be the Disneyland mom without actually having to do much of the hard work of parenting.  When SS does go over there, there are very few rules or boundaries at all.  I think she likes it much better this way.

[catclaw]

Same here! She left her sone to move in with us the day before his birthday - with nothing but the clothes he had on. Then showed up at his bithday 2 hours late and telling lies to the parents who were there. Like her son had never been to a foster family (which he 100% had. She even wanted him to stay there until 2025, we have it all in written form from the child care service), he desperately wanted to move in wits his dad because of the garden and nothing else, how she would do anything for him. i.e.: he moved in with us because she didn't feel she had the time to care for him, because her new boyfriend lives 200km away and the driving takes so much time. The day after his birthday she changed her WhatsApp status to "I'm back to the club, b___es!".

It's hard. SO7 (is that the right abbreviation to Stepson, 7y/o?) talks about her a lot, telling us how loving and caring she is. I just say "OK, yeah, good for you" but inside my heart burns...

[apple]

So much of what has been said in this thread rings true in my experience... .The thing that is so sad,  is they are not capable of giving of themselves even to their own children. They will put on a front or show when people are looking but underneath there is an empty shell.

[Cmjo]

Hi Momtara, how are you? I think sadly that the obvious course tis will take, is the upd having serious problems in their relationships with the kids as they become adults. The kids will realise for years something is odd about the uBPD parent, then when it clicks will stand up to it, and that will trigger abandonment issues and raging, just like happened to us in our marriages.

[PinkieV]

My SSs' mom told my DH she'd never give up her boys, then in the next breath said "well if I let you have them, you still have to pay me". She models herself as a perfect, caring mom on FB - last week she asked everyone to pray for her baby boy because there was an earthquake in CA. Never mind that we live at the opposite end of the state. Then yesterday she called SS14 and was insisting that he's already doing poorly in high school, despite the fact that there's no grades even posted yet. She was just trying to tear him down. Mom of the Year!

[Panda39]

My SO's uBPDexw alternates between being neglectful and indulgent.

Before the divorce was final she had primary custody and she and the kids lived in filth, she pulled 1 daughter out of school to do on-line school from home... .that would be a 0.0 GPA for ninth grade, other daughter had to have a tooth removed due to lack of dental care, the kids clothes weren't kept clean etc... .She has been evicted 3 times (now lives in a hotel - at least we know it's clean because of housekeeping!) and the kids have had to come home from school to find their possessions on the lawn.  When my SO asked for some of the kids clothes since they would be staying with him her response was to call the police   . In between evictions she couch surfed with family and friends and the poor kids had to do this too during her visitation.

My SO now has primary custody (Hallelujah!)

On the flip side during 3 evictions, couch surfing and now in a hotel she has somehow managed to send the younger daughter to summer camp in another state last year & this year for $5000 each year, she sent the older daughter  to Europe last year $15,000 and this year to a private liberal arts college out of state, with tuition $50,000 per year (daughter received financial/scholarships so mom actually paid about $30,000) I might also add that we have no idea where all this money is coming from and half expect the police to show up and cart her off in hand cuffs!

So as you would expect she plays up her Disneyland mom side and ignores the rest.

Meanwhile my SO gives them a stable clean home, clothes, food and does small fun things like museums and little road trips, keeps them on track with school work, has bedtimes etc. and his budget is pretty well maxed. He takes care of their needs and gets no credit.

She is supermom and collects alimony   

[livednlearned]

I don't know, I'm beginning to feel almost total disregard for what my ex does or doesn't think or do.

I have spent so much of my life jacked up on anxiety and despite being a "good mom" who cared deeply about my son when he was little, I can see how my anxiety and preoccupation with the stress and conflict in our home made it hard for me to connect -- really connect -- to him. No one would ever accuse me of being a checked out mother, and I don't feel bad about things I didn't really know or understand, but I look back now and see how emotionally detaching it was to try and raise a child while I was so preoccupied with the constant strain of BPD conflict.

If you asked me then whether I put my son first, I would've said "of course!" But I didn't realize how much strain he was experiencing. I was there physically, and I was kind and loving, and I was stable, and consistent. But I was chronically tense and preoccupied, worried about the next conflict, worried about managing this man who sucked the energy out of our family. Kids feel that stuff. They don't develop a secure sense of self because they feel the anxiety of a worried parent, and are constantly trying to manage the fears and sadnesses that happen when a parents' attention is consumed.  

It bothers me how little I put my son first, truly put him first. I think it partly explains why he is ADD and anxious. The attachment theory that people refer to when explaining the origins of BPD apply just as much to me. I didn't have a secure attachment to my parents as a kid, and I didn't even recognize it was missing when I had a child of my own. It is so strange to see how intact my family script was until I finally broke away and divorced N/BPDx.

It bothers me that I didn't know this stuff back when S13 was a baby. But I do believe therapists when they say you can heal the relationship when your child is older. My son is now taller than me, which just happened over the summer, but the biggest growth in him is how signs of a secure self are showing up, day by day. The attachment stuff didn't come intuitively to me, I had to seek it out and ask therapists about it, and read books to find out how to create it. I wonder a lot how different S13 would be if I had learned all of this earlier. People always say a two-parent family is better and I 100% no longer believe that. It would be great if both parents were healthy, but one healthy parent is almost as good, and far far better than two unhealthy parents.

Don't compare yourself to your ex. You aren't going to win any contests if you're marginally better than him. You want to aim for healthy -- really healthy -- so that your kids have the best chance. That's the real definition of putting them first, imo.

Your kids are still young. You still have time to have a big impact before they get older and anxiety starts to manifest. It gets a little harder to fix when they're older, so you're lucky if you can figure this stuff out now.

[Bellerphon]

In answer to the thread title... .it bothers me a great deal. I find it frightening, how the "new joe", or social scene seems to interrupt the xBPDw focus on not on the kids but, her therapy, her visitation, even just her weekly scheduled phone calls.

My main concern is the impact on the children. my S3 and D6 are really vulnerable to the on and off focus and affect. After doing attachment theory based therapy I see the implications and risk it poses. After reading a few psych journal articles and discussing it with the kids therapists I am more alarmed. The xBPDw and I have been apart for 18+ months and she it seems to me just doesn't make the consistant effort as one would expect from a parent.

The end result has come to safety concerns and emotional trauma concerns.

[mywifecrazy]

Yes this is what bothers me to no end.

My uBPDxw abandoned our two sons (9&14) and gave me primary custody without a second thought. She only sees them EOW. When she signed the final divorce settlement papers she didn't say anything about giving up the kids to me. The only questions she asked were how quick does he have to refinance the house, ie when does she get her money and she had the NERVE to ask if she could claim the kids as dependents so she could money back on taxes

She doesn't help with anything as far as raising the kids go. Doesn't help at all with school, doesn't go to parent/teacher conferences. Missed most of the kids musical concerts. The only one she went to she left early. Doesn't go to any of the kids sports activities unless it falls on her EOW and she HAS TO. take them. She went the whole month of July without seeing them but she was posting pics of her and her new r/s sky diving on FB during this time. I've had to console both my sons at different times as they cried and asked questions about why their Mom doesn't want to be with them :'(  I actually caught her once trying to talk my 9yr old son out of going to the mother son special someone dance at school. It fell on Valentines day and she wanted to be with her r/s  

I honestly think the kids would have been better off if she would have TOTALLY abandoned them to me. She treats them like pets. It's OK to have them around just enough to soothe her feelings but that's it.

MWC... .