Trigger after Trigger

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, it's been a couple months NC. I have blocked her in every way imaginable. I do admit I feel significantly stronger than I did a couple months ago, but I always seem to find a trigger. A couple weeks back I got a friends request on Facebook from someone with a weird name and no picture whose friends with a couple people from my hometown. The account was created on July 31. Was this really her? Or am I just being paranoid? I have never got weird friends request on Facebook. Ever. I denied it, which gave me some satisfaction or rather validation that she cares, but we all know that is not the case. Then again, it could have been a real person. No way to know for sure. Fast forward to yesterday -  I get a call from an unknown number on my cell while I am at work. Instant Chills. There is a message. I debate all day whether or not to just delete it. I eventually decide to listen. If it is her voice at first I will just delete. Turns out it was Fedex. Later that night I am driving around looking for parking and I see her car. I can't be sure because I am in a big city but it was the exact make/model of her car. A car that is older and kinda rare. If these are all coincidences then What the heck . Give me a break someone. Do the triggers every end? I still can't even listen to music without thinking of her. We literally like all the same songs. I can't even tackle new music because I think, "she would have really liked that song."

And today, oh today. Burning Man talks ensue all over social media. A constant reminder of her blatant disregard for me. She went every year without me and I'm 100% sure she is on her way there now. I found out later on that her ex was there every year and he camped with her group which included her mom.

I know one day she will run away from here. She always runs away. I just hope I don't run into her before she does, so i'm not the one running.

[robert4574]

Well, it's been a couple months NC. I have blocked her in every way imaginable. I do admit I feel significantly stronger than I did a couple months ago, but I always seem to find a trigger. A couple weeks back I got a friends request on Facebook from someone with a weird name and no picture whose friends with a couple people from my hometown. The account was created on July 31. Was this really her? Or am I just being paranoid? I have never got weird friends request on Facebook. Ever. I denied it, which gave me some satisfaction or rather validation that she cares, but we all know that is not the case. Then again, it could have been a real person. No way to know for sure. Fast forward to yesterday -  I get a call from an unknown number on my cell while I am at work. Instant Chills. There is a message. I debate all day whether or not to just delete it. I eventually decide to listen. If it is her voice at first I will just delete. Turns out it was Fedex. Later that night I am driving around looking for parking and I see her car. I can't be sure because I am in a big city but it was the exact make/model of her car. A car that is older and kinda rare. If these are all coincidences then What the heck . Give me a break someone. Do the triggers every end? I still can't even listen to music without thinking of her. We literally like all the same songs. I can't even tackle new music because I think, "she would have really liked that song."

And today, oh today. Burning Man talks ensue all over social media. A constant reminder of her blatant disregard for me. She went every year without me and I'm 100% sure she is on her way there now. I found out later on that her ex was there every year and he camped with her group which included her mom.

I know one day she will run away from here. She always runs away. I just hope I don't run into her before she does, so i'm not the one running.

[fromheeltoheal]

so i'm not the one running.

  Running is OK, as long as your focus is on taking care of yourself, doing whatever you need to do.  There's a certain amount of pride in standing your ground and healing in place, but just be honest with yourself; if you need to bail, bail, if you need professional help, get it.  We need to take care of ourselves extra-well after these relationships, think twice as well as you normally would.

Someone said that someone won't leave our heads until the lessons they were there to teach are learned.  I buy that, and sometimes it can take a while.  It's best to start some activities that have nothing to do with her, and slowly shift your focus from her and the past to you and your bright future.  It will take a lot of effort and conscious focus to begin with, and may feel like nothing more than a distraction, but distracting yourself from something you don't want to think about ain't a bad thing, and then what started out as distractions will eventually become your new life.  And when you do create that new life, the triggers won't trigger, and she just won't matter.  Take care of you!

[robert4574]

so i'm not the one running.   Running is OK, as long as your focus is on taking care of yourself, doing whatever you need to do.  There's a certain amount of pride in standing your ground and healing in place, but just be honest with yourself; if you need to bail, bail, if you need professional help, get it.  We need to take care of ourselves extra-well after these relationships, think twice as well as you normally would.

Someone said that someone won't leave our heads until the lessons they were there to teach are learned.  I buy that, and sometimes it can take a while.  It's best to start some activities that have nothing to do with her, and slowly shift your focus from her and the past to you and your bright future.  It will take a lot of effort and conscious focus to begin with, and may feel like nothing more than a distraction, but distracting yourself from something you don't want to think about ain't a bad thing, and then what started out as distractions will eventually become your new life.  And when you do create that new life, the triggers won't trigger, and she just won't matter.  Take care of you!

Thanks fromheeltoheal - I know it's a process that is going to take some time. I am definitely distracting myself as much as I can, but like I said those triggers always seem to find there way in. It's unbelievable how good she mirrored me. I almost have to reinvent myself.

As far as the running statement. I was referring to physically running away from her if I saw her on the street. I'm not running away. Great job, Great home, Great City, Great Friends. I'm strong enough right now to know that's not the best idea.

[fromheeltoheal]

I almost have to reinvent myself.

Yes, I went through profound changes as I detached too, which can be looked at as a great opportunity.  There's always room for improvement, and here's a chance to get rid of some of the stuff you don't like and accentuate the stuff you do.

As far as the running statement. I was referring to physically running away from her if I saw her on the street. I'm not running away. Great job, Great home, Great City, Great Friends. I'm strong enough right now to know that's not the best idea.

I haven't seen mine in 2 years, and probably won't; I don't know that I'd run, but I'd definitely avoid, only because nothing good could ever come from an interaction with her, I've learned too much and know that.  How cool is that though?  We're now inclined to run away from instead of towards something that is bad for us.  Progress?

Speaking of running, I've read more than once on these boards where someone had told their shrink about an interaction they had with a borderline, and the shrink said "Run!".  Hey, if a professional says it, it must be healthy... .

[Tausk]

The triggers are difficult.  It's due to trauma bond, PTSD, OCD, codependency, Walking on Eggshells... .and losing myself to the Disorder such that the meaning of my life eventually revolved around placating the moods of my ex.

Triggers for PTSD are difficult and should be dealt with.  Have you seen a T?  There are some mindfulness techniques that are being taught to returning soldiers that has shown to really help.  It's really helped me.

And for me, when I am triggered now, if I'm really disturbed, I have to lean into the trigger and realize why I'm triggered, and more importantly develop habits with good emotional responses to my triggers.

It's hard.  Keep at it.

An you're lucky that your ex is moving away.  Mine moved 100 miles to marry the guy she cheated on me with in my own town.  So I have to bump into them someday.  I'm still dreading it. 

But when I can tap into myself... .my real self... .the triggers aren't as provoking.

Be well.

T

[myself]

Distractions can definitely be good, but can also be like letting unwashed dishes pile up in the sink. Eventually you have to get in there and get the job done. There's a balance/choice between turn away & turn towards. Knowing that the more we turn towards, the less turning away we'll need to do.

[myself]

Triggers can be everywhere. The deeper/longer/more intense the relationship, the more triggers may still remain. Some of them more painful than others (some are reminders more than triggers). Many of them can be let go of. What's important will continue and be built upon. Many can be reclaimed. This is also letting go. It's a choice. Encouraging yourself to change and following through with it. You liked the same music as her? It's the same music many other people like. Your friends and fellow fans. What matters most is it's something YOU like. If it hurts too much to hear it now, set it aside. Come back to it later, see how it feels then. Maybe it will be something you share with someone else at another time. These things are fluid. I understand what you're saying, 1000%. I was walking to work recently and thought, "Look at that blue sky. I bet she'd think that blue sky is pretty, too," but what am I supposed to do, never notice the color of the sky anymore? It's not reinventing ourselves as much as accepting ourselves, and improving.