Emotional Factory

[ziniztar]

Just wanted to share some insight during therapy, that could be beneficial to all of us. My T talked about every human being being an emotion factory, with 4 pipes to let the steam out:

- anger

- joy/happiness

- sadness

- fear

Whenever we show anger - we get respect & acknowledgment for us as a person and our needs in return.

Whenever we show joy/happiness - we create a positive bond with the person around us.

Whenever we show sadness - we get support in return.

Whenever we show fear - we get reassurance in return.

When we are taught as children not to show a specific emotion (in my case I am very bad at showing anger), we tend to overuse other emotions to let out the steam. I for instance get overly sad about situations when i should get angry.

Why is this a bad thing? Because you do not get the response in return that you need, matching your true emotion, hence get invalidated. So when I get sad with my dBPDbf because he is not spending enough time with me, what I should do is show anger.

There is of course a very thin line between showing anger and continuing the fight cycle, I am aware of that, so I would like everyone to be careful with this... but showing anger can be as simple as setting a boundary using SET: "I understand you need distraction, I really want to be there for you and understand your needs, yet I cannot tolerate seeing each other only once in 2 weeks". Still using SET, you show your boundary.

I know that if I show my boundaries to my dBPDbf, he's not happy about it at first, but after 10 minutes he'll come back to me and act normal like nothing happened. Yet if I start whining or crying - he has no idea what to do with it and the issue lasts a lot longer. I thought it was a good thing to think about - which emotion are you overusing and how is that affecting what you get in return? Not just in your relationship, but with everyone around you?  

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[takingandsending]

I like this, zinitar.   

I knew the 4 basic responses but never thought of them as pressure relief valves - an analogy that makes sense to me. It also feels better with the idea that when one is suppressed it has to naturally vent elsewhere. I have been struggling with the co-dependent label and the three faces of victim article that lay on thick the pathology of enabling/rescuing. None of us had a choice in our FOO, and children do what they can to get needs met. Somehow, in reading those articles, I leave with a sense of shame or brokenness. This view is quite a bit gentler - we come by our natures based on what path we developed most as children. Now we just need to work on removing the obstructions and restrictions in the other expressions so that we can be balanced and healthy.

Thank you so much for this. Anger and happiness are my clogged vents.

[formflier]

Just wanted to share some insight during therapy, that could be beneficial to all of us. My T talked about every human being being an emotion factory, with 4 pipes to let the steam out:

- anger

- joy/happiness

- sadness

- fear

Whenever we show anger - we get respect & acknowledgment for us as a person and our needs in return.

Whenever we show joy/happiness - we create a positive bond with the person around us.

Whenever we show sadness - we get support in return.

Whenever we show fear - we get reassurance in return.

When we are taught as children not to show a specific emotion (in my case I am very bad at showing anger), we tend to overuse other emotions to let out the steam. I for instance get overly sad about situations when i should get angry.

Why is this a bad thing? Because you do not get the response in return that you need, matching your true emotion, hence get invalidated. So when I get sad with my dBPDbf because he is not spending enough time with me, what I should do is show anger.

There is of course a very thin line between showing anger and continuing the fight cycle, I am aware of that, so I would like everyone to be careful with this... but showing anger can be as simple as setting a boundary using SET: "I understand you need distraction, I really want to be there for you and understand your needs, yet I cannot tolerate seeing each other only once in 2 weeks". Still using SET, you show your boundary.

I know that if I show my boundaries to my dBPDbf, he's not happy about it at first, but after 10 minutes he'll come back to me and act normal like nothing happened. Yet if I start whining or crying - he has no idea what to do with it and the issue lasts a lot longer. I thought it was a good thing to think about - which emotion are you overusing and how is that affecting what you get in return? Not just in your relationship, but with everyone around you?  

Ziniztar,

I like this.

I'm thinking if one of my pipes is clogged... .it's fear. 

What are you going to do with this new-found insight?

[ziniztar]

takingandsending, formflier

What I’m trying is recognizing when I am angry instead of fearful or sad, which I tend to overuse.

I remember a time in high school where someone told me I was always a quite annoyed and irritated.

I learnt not to show that any more.

As I am unlearning that I am also trying to show it more.

I’m probasbly not always doing it in the right way but I’m experimenting… I’ll see what works and what does not.

I let my father know I wasn’t up for his sad stories about fights with other siblings the other day.

A friend of mine had just died and all he said was ‘pooh’ and then switched over to his own quirrels.

I got angry (instead of sad) and told him politely to f off > “I really am not in the mood for this now.” and walked away.

He ended up apologizing to me, which he has never ever ever ever ever done in my whole life.

The word “sorry” was not in his dictionary.

So... making progress there. I hope it will transcend into the relationship with my BPD some day, but it’s more difficult.

I can change these things because my father has become more calm now he is aging.

For my dBPDbf this sometimes means trigger... although he is in therapy and forcing himself to react differently, so, I’ve got that going for me which is nice .

What about you two?

[waverider]

This is about us accepting and allowing ourselves to have, and display, the full range of human emotions. When we are conditioned to "put an act on" for whatever reason it throws out the balance out, and as you say we start using the other emotions inappropriately. Which not only makes us feel bad but also sends out the wrong communications and so makes resolving any issues harder.

It is all part of Fear, Obligation and Guilt as we think we are failures for not appearing in control and appropriate at all times.

It is part of the reason I throw all the tools we talk about on this site out the window and just let my natural reaction out unfettered, at times. Even with warts and all I get a good sense that even with my brakes off it is nowhere near as out of order as it once was. This is a good measure to as to how I have improved.

It also highlights that what I do is out of choice not a obligation.

[takingandsending]

Hello all. Thanks for the cool discussion.

Ziniztar, first, I know you are going through a lot right now with your bf, so I wanted to acknowledge that reading your posts has always brought me some better understanding of my behavior in my relationship. I hope that you reach a decision that expresses what you need and who you are in a way that builds something good for you. This dance of hope and hopelessness is exhausting.

I am finding that this tool, and knowing that happiness and anger are pretty clogged vents in my system, has helped me catch on to when I am misdirecting my expressions. I got caught in it the other night with my wife when she decided she had to have some piece of exercise equipment that we have no funds for or room in our house to put it. I was actually angrily thinking of the exercise equipment that has been stored in our small bedroom closet taking up valuable real estate for the past 3.5 years without seeing the light of day. Because I can't express anger easily or openly, I mentioned that walking is actually the best exercise for overall health benefit v. possible injury/risk. So we talked a lot about me being unsupportive (not entirely untrue) instead of addressing my frustration or anger. That's classic me. I did catch what I was doing, thanks in part to this discussion line, and I practiced good boundaries when our communications began to disintegrate into the skirmish realm.

Waverider, the warts and all approach is who we are. My bpdfamily name is all about a practice that just looks at myself where I am right now and takes that in, what it feels like, without averting my eyes, and then sends out first to myself and then to others who find themselves in similar discomfort some form of kindness in that situation. I think the thing for me is seeing more and more that what pwBPD are up against is really not so very different than what we all face, but the frequency and amplitude of their experience is so much greater that it would take incredible skill and practice to work with that mind. And most people, myself included, have not learned (nor had to) that level of awareness and mindfulness.

[formflier]

  are conditioned to "put an act on"

This is a big thing I'm still sorting through from my FOO.  Growing up there was lots of "don't feel that way"... .messages sent to me.  Lots of focus on appearances... .and that focus on appearances hid dysfunctional (or at best unhealthy) behavior.

As my wife and I are trying to put things back together... .we talk a lot about emotional openness and empathy.

Being able to acknowledge feeling out of whack and giving the other person the ability to come alongside... .also realizing that they may not come along side... .and we need to be ok with that as well.

[ziniztar]

It is part of the reason I throw all the tools we talk about on this site out the window and just let my natural reaction out unfettered, at times.

A-HA! There it is. It was on top of my mind these past few days. I felt torn between the tools and the advice in therapy, as showing real emotion does not fit with always validating, SET or DEARMAN.

Then again, my T said 'there is a time for negotiation later on, and as an adult you should, but first you need to show your true emotion to start off your negotiations in a healthy, balanced way.' I think that the key is not to blame the other for your emotion (not YOU make me angry but I feel angry). I felt so relieved, so free when I was allowed to express the anger. I don't think that showing the right emotion only helps you get the right response from others, but also helps you to recognize what you need! To ask for with others, but also to self-soothe! Calming myself down when I really am angry doesnt help take away the anger at all, it makes you feel trapped.

Takingandsending, good work with the tools and self-reflection! I'm glad to read my posts have been inspiring you .

[formflier]

  (not YOU make me angry but I feel angry). 

Exactly!  Your feelings are... .  Nobody "makes" you feel a certain way.

I used to hate being accused of "making" people feel a certain way... .especially when it was an unusual response.

So... .if you curse at somebody... .it is likely that they will feel bad... .angry... whatever.  But if you brought someone flowers... .but not as many as they expected or thought they deserved... .you didn't "make" them feel bad.  In fact... it should have made them feel good... .but the issue is theirs... .not the person that didn't bring enough flowers.

Ziniztar,

You are doing some big... .healthy... .insightful work these days.  Your posts are really helping out the board! 

Thank you!   

[ziniztar]

So... .if you curse at somebody... .it is likely that they will feel bad... .angry... whatever.  But if you brought someone flowers... .but not as many as they expected or thought they deserved... .you didn't "make" them feel bad.  

Ouch yes, I recognize this one. It's when you feel invalidated in your kind efforts because it never seems to be enough or the right thing.

I had quite a few moments this week where I have been able to stick up for myself in a good way.

Example of changed behaviour: Friend never showed up when we were supposed to meet her for drinks.

- First I localized her after hours to find out she was okay yet completely wasted, but at least I know she was safe

- Then instead of relief I felt anger. Usually I would not have acted upon it out of relief and why the hell bother.

- Instead, I texted her: "Hey! I don't think it was okay and cool of you to bail out on us in that way. Good luck with your hang over." She replied: "Yeah you are completely right. How can I make up?" And I replied: "Offering to make up is nice yet unnecessary. I just wanted this to be said. I'll see you on Wednesday!" (we had a new meeting anyways).

Two things I learnt in the past few months.

1) letting someone else know when you're not okay with their behaviour

2) not expecting or allow someone else to make things up or feel like they owe you. That would be entering the Drama Triangle and I kindly refuse that.

Did the same thing with a flirty coworker and my dad who was being an ass. I feel so relieved and empowered. It is much easier (still difficult) to stand up for yourself in a kind way if you value yourself and if you don't feel the need to blame someone.   I know I cannot expect an "You are right" or "Sorry" from my dBPDbf as he is not mature enough to react in such a way... so I won't expect this yet, but being able to do it with others strengthens my capability and paves a way to start doing this with him in different situations.