dumped x 2

[pumpkin79]

My ex and I were friends for about two years before anything happened between us.  She was dating someone else but would always flirt with me.  I was also seeing someone else during this time.  I got dumped and we became closer friends because I would confide in her what I was going through.  During this time I found out some interesting things about her like she had been cheating with her friend while both of them were in a relationship.  Neither one of them would leave their relationship but continued a love affair.  She would tell me what a bad person she was for cheating but that she loved two people.  She would tell me how unhappy she was with her gf and gown controlling and manipulative she was but stayed with her while she cheated.  Her friend she was having an affair with was engaged and she wanted her to leave him for her but she wouldn't and eventually told me ex to leave her alone and my ex would confide in me how upset she was for her being cold and cutting her off.  They worked together and the friend almost got my ex fired BC she told their boss she was antagonizing her and wouldn't leave her alone.  During this time my ex went to some rehab center for depression BC her work made her do so since the friend she worked with told their boss about her depression.  During this time my ex was also raped by a coworker.  We were only friends at this point because  I knew she had too many issues.  This was even before she started texting me all the time in the middle of the night wanting me to "hold her" and felt I was the only one who cared about her because I would always talk to her.  Then she shared that she has a eating disorder and that she cuts herself so she doesn't have to feel the pain and that she sees a counselor.  She started making more advances towards me and I kept my distance.  She eventually ended things with her gf and came over to my house one night during a snowstorm.  She blatantly hit on me and massaged me which I shouldn't have let her do but I have a weakness for those:). She told me she had feelings for me and wanted to date.  I told her she needed to figure things out with herself.  She continued to pursue me and I was stupid enough to hang out with her.  She continued to give me massages until one day I realized I was developing feelings for her.   She came over late one night and she ended up coming onto me and we hooked up.  Soon after we started dating.  I resisted her for awhile but eventually broke down. Things were good for awhile but issues would pop up like her thinking I would think she was fat and didn't want to eat in front of me and scared to spend the night BC she was afraid shed do something and I wouldn't like her anymore.  She told me she was falling for me and was very sexual.  Then she went on vacation and came back and told me she loved me.  Four days later she dumped me.   She rambled and said she needed to make herself happy, that she loved me but wasn't ready for that, that she thinks she might want to go back to her ex, and that her and her counselor thinks she needs to work on herself.  I was very upset but continued to stay in contact with her.  Anytime I would talk about my feelings she would shut down and ignore me and tell me that I would make her feel guilty.  I tried calling her but she told me she was out of town with her ex.  I was so upset.  I felt seduced, used, and dumped.  I asked her if we could talk.  She said shed let me know tomorrow.  The next day she texted me, "I don't want to talk to you because you don't accept anything I say, you scare me, and you make me feel like the worst person in the world.  I no longer want to talk to you.  Please respect this.". I was so upset that I did text her back angry texts.  Fast forward a fee months where mew didn't speak and I texted to apologize for my angry texts.  She responded she was truly sorry and wanted to talk again and wanted our relationship back.  We started texting for a month.  She would write me frequently and we were sharing a lot.  She would send me hearts and ask me how I was everyday.  After a month of texting I asked her if we could get together for dinner.  She said she wasn't sure and she would let me know.  I waited and she never let me know.  She would text but not mention getting together.  I asked her if she had thought of a time and she ignored me.  She lives in my neighborhood so I walked to her house to see her one night when she got off work and when I saw her we hugged tight.   I didn't mention hanging out or her ignoring me.  We cuddled on the couch and she asked me to see her the next day at work but I was going out of town.  I tried to kiss her but she said, "I can't kiss, I don't want to mess with others emotions.".  we just cuddled and talked.  She told me she had been working on not cutting and eating since she has an eating disorder.  She had to get up early so she walled me outside.  We hugged and she said she would think of a time for us to get together.  She joked that she could in January.  I wrote her a text saying it was nice to see her and sorry for keeping her up late.  No response.  I waited five days. I wrote to see how she was and asked if she had thought of a time yet.  No response.  A week passed.  I wrote her a couple texts just saying I cared about her and wanted to hear more about the things she was working on.  Then one week later I got a text back and all it said was, "you scared me coming to my house, I don't want to communicate.". I responded to her that she was scared to love me and was pushing me away because of fear and that she didn't want to deal with feelings with someone.  I told her to tell me the truth and tell me that and not because I scared her.  No response and I haven't heard from her.  She also has now blocked me on Gmail chat.  I have decided now to leave her alone after I wrote her several text messages about how I think she is scared.  I forgot to add that in the past whenever I would try to share my feelings or talk about anything with her she would say, "you make me feel like the worst person in the world, and make me want to cut myself.". Also, when we were dating she told me that "I don't want to hurt you", "I always hurt people", "You should stay away from me.".   I am stunned and don't know how to feel or what to do.  I have decided not to say anything else as I don't see a choice.