Can you help me stop feeling so guilty?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Did I emasculate the man who craved love so intensely that the fear of abandonment consumed him?  OR did my instincts surface in the form of intense preservation and it was that inner voice that kept me from falling so deeply in love with the illusion that I may have been blinded for 8, 15, or more years? 

Some background:  I had no idea about BPD for the better part of 7 years.  Life was an inexplicable chaos I could not keep up with.  When he found me I was educated, structured, independent, strong in every sense…and ready for a partnership.  Before I knew it, I was losing the ability to function as a human being and I couldn’t understand why.  I held a job, ran a household, even started a business in addition to our day jobs (made him the face of the business) for us both to enjoy and thrive in.  He lived there too, but barely functioned as a grown up.  I could never put my finger on why every moment of every day felt so chaotic, tense, negative, and flat out uncomfortable, lacking joy.  It wasn’t just that he never opened a single piece of mail, never did his laundry and seemed to live as a squatter in his own home – he handled most every moment of life like a 3-year old child in a fit of anger (never a “happy” 3-year old either) and I struggled to breathe more and more each day for 7 years. 

I didn’t back down though.  I stood up for myself.  I threated to leave, over and over.  Again, I had no idea of “BPD”.  I said awful things to him.  I “wore the pants” and hated it every step of the way.  His immaturity pushed me into a corner to be like a parent to the man I “perceived” was my real life superhero.  I wanted the partner that I gave him.  I gave and gave, while he received and received.  He “said” a ton, and “did” so little.  Promises were made and always broken.  Sobbing tears and admission of "issues" lured me back in every time.  He begged me not to leave.  He was impossible to keep company with, yet showed a kind, stable, even charismatic face in front of clients, friends, and family.  Glimpses of the man I thought he was became nearly invisible over time.  He left me totally abandoned as a partner in the daily functions of everyday life but wanted me to treat him like a king because he made me breakfast or bought me something special and expensive (without a care in the world that our bank account couldn't actually afford what he just purchased).  He was exhaustingly negative and raged constantly, yet expected me to smile once it was over and he was ready to cuddle.  I couldn’t keep up.  On the whole, I called him out every step of the way.

In hindsight, I realize that my growing up with a mentally unstable mother helped to pave the route to my finding my way into a relationship with my uBPDexh.  I was at the same time both patient and intolerant of his irrational behavior.  I stayed, but not quietly.  I coped, but called him to the carpet to let him know he would not steal my soul.  I said awful things I cannot seem to forgive myself for.  In the end, as I have been "painted black" with utter cruelty…I found out that HE is the drug user, drug dealer, pwuBPD, adulterer, thief, fraud…yet it is ME who feels such heavy guilt and sits quietly alone grappling to understand what was reality and what was an illusion.

[Hope0807]

Did I emasculate the man who craved love so intensely that the fear of abandonment consumed him?  OR did my instincts surface in the form of intense preservation and it was that inner voice that kept me from falling so deeply in love with the illusion that I may have been blinded for 8, 15, or more years? 

Some background:  I had no idea about BPD for the better part of 7 years.  Life was an inexplicable chaos I could not keep up with.  When he found me I was educated, structured, independent, strong in every sense…and ready for a partnership.  Before I knew it, I was losing the ability to function as a human being and I couldn’t understand why.  I held a job, ran a household, even started a business in addition to our day jobs (made him the face of the business) for us both to enjoy and thrive in.  He lived there too, but barely functioned as a grown up.  I could never put my finger on why every moment of every day felt so chaotic, tense, negative, and flat out uncomfortable, lacking joy.  It wasn’t just that he never opened a single piece of mail, never did his laundry and seemed to live as a squatter in his own home – he handled most every moment of life like a 3-year old child in a fit of anger (never a “happy” 3-year old either) and I struggled to breathe more and more each day for 7 years. 

I didn’t back down though.  I stood up for myself.  I threated to leave, over and over.  Again, I had no idea of “BPD”.  I said awful things to him.  I “wore the pants” and hated it every step of the way.  His immaturity pushed me into a corner to be like a parent to the man I “perceived” was my real life superhero.  I wanted the partner that I gave him.  I gave and gave, while he received and received.  He “said” a ton, and “did” so little.  Promises were made and always broken.  Sobbing tears and admission of "issues" lured me back in every time.  He begged me not to leave.  He was impossible to keep company with, yet showed a kind, stable, even charismatic face in front of clients, friends, and family.  Glimpses of the man I thought he was became nearly invisible over time.  He left me totally abandoned as a partner in the daily functions of everyday life but wanted me to treat him like a king because he made me breakfast or bought me something special and expensive (without a care in the world that our bank account couldn't actually afford what he just purchased).  He was exhaustingly negative and raged constantly, yet expected me to smile once it was over and he was ready to cuddle.  I couldn’t keep up.  On the whole, I called him out every step of the way.

In hindsight, I realize that my growing up with a mentally unstable mother helped to pave the route to my finding my way into a relationship with my uBPDexh.  I was at the same time both patient and intolerant of his irrational behavior.  I stayed, but not quietly.  I coped, but called him to the carpet to let him know he would not steal my soul.  I said awful things I cannot seem to forgive myself for.  In the end, as I have been "painted black" with utter cruelty…I found out that HE is the drug user, drug dealer, pwuBPD, adulterer, thief, fraud…yet it is ME who feels such heavy guilt and sits quietly alone grappling to understand what was reality and what was an illusion.

[tired-of-it-all]

If he is truly BPD, then you did not emasculate him.  He is on to the next victim.

I have gotten past the guilt with the realization that the BPD doesn't think the way I think.  I worried that she would take the things I said, had done, failed to do, etc. and rolled them in her mind to feel hurt and pain.  That is not the case with the BPD.  Her feelings are all based on her fantasy, her false reality.  BPD's rewrite history.  They rewrite it no matter how we treat them.  Our behavior did not cause their problem and we cannot fix them.  BPD is like alcoholism, it is a cunning and baffling disease.  We need to forgive ourselves and stop blaming ourselves for their pain.  Again like alcoholism, we didn't cause it and can't cure it but we can damn sure contribute to it by enabling their bad behavior and allowing ourselves to be abused.

[Hope0807]

Yes, BPD through and through.  I suspected mental illness or drugs for years but didn't want to believe either could be possible.  Both turned out to be the reality.  He was on to his next victim before I had even left my home.  Distortion campaign was in full swing and I didn't even know what the hell was happening.  This is by far the cruelest, most devastating event of my life.  I gave him some of the best years of my life, but I have to be grateful to be out of that hell.

If he is truly BPD, then you did not emasculate him.  He is on to the next victim.

I have gotten past the guilt with the realization that the BPD doesn't think the way I think.  I worried that she would take the things I said, had done, failed to do, etc. and rolled them in her mind to feel hurt and pain.  That is not the case with the BPD.  Her feelings are all based on her fantasy, her false reality.  BPD's rewrite history.  They rewrite it no matter how we treat them.  Our behavior did not cause their problem and we cannot fix them.  BPD is like alcoholism, it is a cunning and baffling disease.  We need to forgive ourselves and stop blaming ourselves for their pain.  Again like alcoholism, we didn't cause it and can't cure it but we can damn sure contribute to it by enabling their bad behavior and allowing ourselves to be abused.

[Infern0]

I think you should find solace in the fact that you stood up for yourself. The ONLY "victory" I had was that I walked before I got painted black and abandoned. I just couldn't take it as I could sense I was about to become something less by allowing her to emasculate and dominate me completely.

Trust me as time goes by you won't feel bad about standing up to them, give yourself some credit. The more you let them use you while you just took it the worse you will feel. At the end of the day they have gone, you are only left with you and trust me you are to blame for absolutely none of what happened.

[camuse]

I felt horrific guilt, I questioned whether I even deserved to live if I could make my beloved feel so wretched. Weeks later, I can't even think of what I did wrong because actually I did nothing wrong. Out if the fog, I see that I was very kind and loving, and was treated appallingly. I'm angry about that now but the guilt is gone. I can't actually believe I ever thought I was the one in the wrong. With time and nc comes clarity of thinking.

[pieceofme]

when i tell my friends about something that happened in my relationship, they always ask if my ex's behavior is a result of steroids (he's a bodybuilder) or drugs. while i have always considered that, i know the problem is much deeper and most likely the result of his BPD. i don't necessarily feel guilty because i was always kind to him and tried my best, but i look back and see how i could have acted differently (differently = walk on eggshells) to keep the peace and have held the relationship together. that is where i feel the most regret.

[Witchway]

It was the guilt that kept me emotionally involved for so long. Feeling sorry for him; the childhood abuse he suffered and wanting to help. The thing for me was realising he was just not prepared to help himself and that was his problem not mine. He had seen a therapist (he said for PTSD - i'm not so sure) prior to meeting me and he just devalued her and point blank refused to see another.

I found it helpful to have all the negative behaviours / incidents written down so that I could refer to them when the guilt was at it's worst. It really helped. If they can elicit sympathy from you they will play the vicitm and put you on a guilt trip.

[pieceofme]

I found it helpful to have all the negative behaviours / incidents written down so that I could refer to them when the guilt was at it's worst. It really helped. If they can elicit sympathy from you they will play the vicitm and put you on a guilt trip.

this is, sadly, a great idea. i am going to start on my list today.

[OutOfEgypt]

The fact that you worry about emasculating him is refreshing and shows that you probably did not.  And as someone said, if he truly has BPD then I find it hard to believe you really did emasculate him.  More like you let him guilt-trip you.  My ex did a lot of these things in reverse.  She would say that I de-feminized her because I never revolved around her and her feminine needs and dreams of perfect sexual intimacy enough.  Nothign was ever enough.  With one side of her mouth, calling me to "man up" and be a "leader", while tearing me down, putting me down, cheating on me, lying to me, and sabotaging me every step of the way.

Her emotional maturity was/is also like that of a small child.  I remember finally beginning to stand up to her ridiculous tantrums (at least, about some things... .she still controlled the relationship by sex, rejection, cheating, and threatening the relationship).  We had people over and we were trying to find a movie to watch.  She picked something and expected everybody to want to watch it.  Nobody really did, and I could tell, so I took control of the situation and intervened to suggest we find something we could all agree upon.  She threw the remote control and stormed off to the bedroom and slammed the door.  And that was common.  If nobody did stand up to her, she would pick whatever she wanted, watch it until 2am if she felt like it, and with the TV turned up as loud as she wanted, regardless of if I or the kids were sleeping.

It took me a bit to get through the guilt and sense that I had failed her.  My T really helped me with that.  His point was that in ANY relationship you fail each other.  That is why in marriage we have VOWS.  But with these people, everything is put on us, and it sucks the life out of us in ways we aren't even aware of at the time.  We become drained, unhappy... .and I was even blamed for being "never happy" and told I "rained on her parade" and made her miserable just from my mood.  It took me years to see how backwards that was... .could it be that I was so unhappy because of the torture and abuse she was putting me through, because of the ridiculous burdens she was silently heaping on my shoulders?  Yes.

In other words, my imperfection never warrants the blame and treatment I received, which was completely self-centered (on her) and totally blown out of proportion.  She isn't a victim, and neither is your ex.  They are simply people skilled at taking advantage of the kindness of compassion of others because it allows them to dump all their internal conflicts and guilt and shame on someone else.  And they do it pathologically.

Needless to say, now that I have shed the guilt and so many of the lies I imbibed from her, I see that I am actually a good man who knows what he needs to do.  I'm now dating someone who sees me as quite capable of being a leader and who is not completely consumed with having me be the sole custodian of all her moods and needs.  It is really, really nice.

[drummerboy]

It is such a relief to know that I'm not alone in going through this.

Your comment that this is the cruellest, most devastating event of your life is exactly how I feel. I'm 51 and have been in 3 long term relationships, two that produced kids and the relationship with me exBPD only lasted 5 months but this one has torn my heart out. It's 5 months since we separated but sometimes the aching is a s raw as it was just after we separated. It's like she has a spell on me!At this point I honestly don't know how I'll get through this but I am seeing a therapist and doing inner child work but its a slow process. The scariest part is I honestly don't know what I would do if she contacted me again.

Yes, BPD through and through.  I suspected mental illness or drugs for years but didn't want to believe either could be possible.  Both turned out to be the reality.  He was on to his next victim before I had even left my home.  Distortion campaign was in full swing and I didn't even know what the hell was happening.  This is by far the cruelest, most devastating event of my life.  I gave him some of the best years of my life, but I have to be grateful to be out of that hell.

If he is truly BPD, then you did not emasculate him.  He is on to the next victim.

I have gotten past the guilt with the realization that the BPD doesn't think the way I think.  I worried that she would take the things I said, had done, failed to do, etc. and rolled them in her mind to feel hurt and pain.  That is not the case with the BPD.  Her feelings are all based on her fantasy, her false reality.  BPD's rewrite history.  They rewrite it no matter how we treat them.  Our behavior did not cause their problem and we cannot fix them.  BPD is like alcoholism, it is a cunning and baffling disease.  We need to forgive ourselves and stop blaming ourselves for their pain.  Again like alcoholism, we didn't cause it and can't cure it but we can damn sure contribute to it by enabling their bad behavior and allowing ourselves to be abused.

[Pingo]

It was the guilt that kept me emotionally involved for so long. Feeling sorry for him; the childhood abuse he suffered and wanting to help. The thing for me was realising he was just not prepared to help himself and that was his problem not mine. He had seen a therapist (he said for PTSD - i'm not so sure) prior to meeting me and he just devalued her and point blank refused to see another.

I found it helpful to have all the negative behaviours / incidents written down so that I could refer to them when the guilt was at it's worst. It really helped. If they can elicit sympathy from you they will play the vicitm and put you on a guilt trip.

Obligation kept me in the r/s and guilt overwhelmed me when I ended it.  After the initial numbness wore off I cried and cried wondering what I had done.  I kept worrying about him, his mental health, even though I knew he was on to another r/s.  Then I realised I'm not his mother nor am I his therapist.  I am his wife!   I shouldn't be responsible to fix his problems.  If losing his marriage wasn't rock-bottom enough for him to seek help than what chance did I have of saving him.  Instead of any kind of self-discovery he just stuffed his feelings away with another gf. 

I also wrote down every last despicable thing he did throughout our r/s and I read it when I start feeling sad or guilty and it reminds me that what I did was self-preservation.  Journaling has really helped me as well as a ton of reading, especially these boards.  Life-saving!

[Hope0807]

Interesting you mentioned steroids.  Mine was a competitive power lifter in his 20s and (wanting to bang my head against the wall as I write this) brilliantly convinced me that due to his super stocky build "those other crazy morons…" resorted to injecting steroids but he "…never needed to".  I bought it hook, line, and sinker.  The majority of his family did as well.  The rages and ups and downs told me otherwise.  I was constantly suspicious of SOMETHING.  At the end I found a mysterious backpack stuffed to the gills with vials and vials and vials of anabolic and oral steroids, cocaine, hypodermic needles, and more.  THEN, a few random people in our circle confessed they knew he "shot up" years ago.  "How the hell else can a human being near 40 retain so much solid muscle and dead lift 600 pounds."  I learned immediately after finding his stash that the "cycling" and "stacking" of steroids explained so much…as did the evidence of the other drug abuse.  All that, combined with the "BPD" actualization made me feel like I was officially in the worst nightmare ever.  The steroids gave him control and power.  I don't think there's many drugs he's NOT involved in.  I know the BPD drives it all.  What a mess!  I'm so disgusted I fell for him.  My T reminds me that I may have given him the best and most stable 7 years of his life he's ever had.  While I believe there may be some truth in that, he has stripped me of those same years and broken me financially, emotionally, and spiritually.  I know I will get past this in time but fluctuating between severe sadness, guilt and anger is so painful.

when i tell my friends about something that happened in my relationship, they always ask if my ex's behavior is a result of steroids (he's a bodybuilder) or drugs. while i have always considered that, i know the problem is much deeper and most likely the result of his BPD. i don't necessarily feel guilty because i was always kind to him and tried my best, but i look back and see how i could have acted differently (differently = walk on eggshells) to keep the peace and have held the relationship together. that is where i feel the most regret.

[Ihope2]

Dear Hope0807

I can relate to the feelings of deep guilt.  At the end of my marriage, I felt like I  had taken in a vulnerable, troubled man, made him big promises of everlasting and true love that would conquer anything, but then when it all became too much for me, I collapsed under the burden and abandoned him to his fate. He, who was so deeply damaged and troubled and had lived through a lifetime of severe abuse at the age of 37 years!

When I met and married him, he was basically homeless and penniless.  He had health issues like severe asthma, epilepsy (supposedly), peripheral neuropathy, allergies, depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc etc... .

The first few days after he left, I was traumatised by my own "cruelty" for putting him out on the street.  I would cry in deep sobbing fits and say "I am sorry, I am so sorry" over and over again.  I could not handle the pain and the guilt.

As the months have passed, and the divorce was taken care of and I heard less and less from him (I had no idea where he was and what he was doing, except for him warning me that he was about to kill himself and then write to me afterward and tell me all about how it failed), I started realising that this guilt is not mine to bear.  This guilt had landed up with me, but it was passed on to me from him. He projected all his negativity, resentment, rage, fear, dysphoria, hatred towards his parents, etc onto me.  I had not failed him in the first place, it was not me that had damaged him beyond repair!  How can anyone put all of that responsibility onto another person's shoulders?

Now I am trying to recover and repair my own damage, my own issues which I have been stuffing down for all of my life up to now.

At the age of 45 years, I am trying to heal my hurt inner child and I forgive myself for living such an inauthentic and mistaken life up to now.  I was inauthentic towards my exBPDh by making all those tacit promises of loving him and saving him and never ever leaving and forsaking him.  Nobody can truly make those sorts of promises to anyone, except a parent to a child, and even there, the parent does not "own" the child.  Even there, the child must learn to become an individual and take care of him/herself.

Hope0807, don't run away from those feelings of guilt and shame. Stay with them and get to the bottom of why you feel so utterly responsible for the total wellbeing of another human being.  Where did it all start?  Who gave you the idea that you are responsible for another's fate?  Who put that burden on your shoulders in the first place?

All the best to you.

[drummerboy]

Such a great post hope, so much wisdom. I think that the sort of people a BPD attracts is us, possibly some co-dependent issues or "white knight syndrome" Since I started therapy I've become aware of the adult me having reservations about relationship from the start but my inner child was usually in the drivers seat and responded to the idealisation phase. My therapy is now focusing on why my inner child needed this and embracing my inner child and loving him and taking care of him so that this doesn't ever happen again. In my case I could be excused a little for falling helplessly in love so quickly, I was 50, she was a very cute 31 year and to make myself feel better I often say to myself what older gut wouldn't respond to the advances of a cute 31 year? I sometimes feel guilt but only because my ex surrounds herself with co-dependent enablers and I was the one person that was in her life that would not accept the status quo and wanted to help her help herself. But being like that is what I think drover her away. I think a BPD has a massively wounded inner child that screams out for attention and if they do take the steps to getting better they would lose the reason that people give them so much attention.

But regardless of whether a person has BPD or not, people need to take responsibility for their actions and only they can make the decision to get the help that they need so in that sense I feel no guilt, but I do wonder if I had been a little more patient if that would have made a difference.

Dear Hope0807

I can relate to the feelings of deep guilt.  At the end of my marriage, I felt like I  had taken in a vulnerable, troubled man, made him big promises of everlasting and true love that would conquer anything, but then when it all became too much for me, I collapsed under the burden and abandoned him to his fate. He, who was so deeply damaged and troubled and had lived through a lifetime of severe abuse at the age of 37 years!

When I met and married him, he was basically homeless and penniless.  He had health issues like severe asthma, epilepsy (supposedly), peripheral neuropathy, allergies, depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc etc... .

The first few days after he left, I was traumatised by my own "cruelty" for putting him out on the street.  I would cry in deep sobbing fits and say "I am sorry, I am so sorry" over and over again.  I could not handle the pain and the guilt.

As the months have passed, and the divorce was taken care of and I heard less and less from him (I had no idea where he was and what he was doing, except for him warning me that he was about to kill himself and then write to me afterward and tell me all about how it failed), I started realising that this guilt is not mine to bear.  This guilt had landed up with me, but it was passed on to me from him. He projected all his negativity, resentment, rage, fear, dysphoria, hatred towards his parents, etc onto me.  I had not failed him in the first place, it was not me that had damaged him beyond repair!  How can anyone put all of that responsibility onto another person's shoulders?

Now I am trying to recover and repair my own damage, my own issues which I have been stuffing down for all of my life up to now.

At the age of 45 years, I am trying to heal my hurt inner child and I forgive myself for living such an inauthentic and mistaken life up to now.  I was inauthentic towards my exBPDh by making all those tacit promises of loving him and saving him and never ever leaving and forsaking him.  Nobody can truly make those sorts of promises to anyone, except a parent to a child, and even there, the parent does not "own" the child.  Even there, the child must learn to become an individual and take care of him/herself.

Hope0807, don't run away from those feelings of guilt and shame. Stay with them and get to the bottom of why you feel so utterly responsible for the total wellbeing of another human being.  Where did it all start?  Who gave you the idea that you are responsible for another's fate?  Who put that burden on your shoulders in the first place?

All the best to you.

[camuse]

My T helped make sense of the guilt. Guilt is pointless. Regret is much better as a feeling. My guilt turned to anger - partly anger at feeling guilty when I wasn't the one in the wrong anyway. Anger is now turning to pity, as I recover.

I started a thread on guilt, and got helpful responses. Feel it, let it pass through. Self replection is a positive thing, BPDs done self reflect so they never learn or grow. You will learn and develop from this.

I'm sorry you feel this way, it's not nice.

[camuse]

In my case I could be excused a little for falling helplessly in love so quickly, I was 50, she was a very cute 31 year and to make myself feel better I often say to myself what older gut wouldn't respond to the advances of a cute 31 year? I sometimes feel guilt but only because my ex surrounds herself with co-dependent enablers and I was the one person that was in her life that would not accept the status quo and wanted to help her help herself. But being like that is what I think drover her away. I think a BPD has a massively wounded inner child that screams out for attention and if they do take the steps to getting better they would lose the reason that people give them so much attention.

You should go easy on yourself - we are all human. Mine was a fair bit younger, very attractive, who wouldn't turn a blind eye to the red flags when being showered with compliments by someone like that? I wanted to believe that finally a gorgeous, fun lady had appreciated me for who I was, and probably didn't want to believe it was all make-believe. Especially when being targeted at a carefully chosen vulnerable moment in a carefully crafted way that works directly on your own insecurities.

If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Sad, but that is the truth.

But regardless of whether a person has BPD or not, people need to take responsibility for their actions and only they can make the decision to get the help that they need so in that sense I feel no guilt, but I do wonder if I had been a little more patient if that would have made a difference.

Probably not.