a guy on the other side of healing

hello family, it has been long. By God's grace i am in a better place now. I have not been here for a month. two months before, i have been here occasionally. I still can remember how much did i feel when i was in your place. still i can call it the most traumatic experience with the biggest agony i have lived yet. I have read some threads like the one i am writing right now and i was very skeptical about getting back to "normal" if ever. but it does occur. The best advice i can give you is that it takes time. time is a factor in the healing process just important as any other factor. it can not be fast forwarded by overdoing any other factor like getting more education about the disorder and depersonalizing it. all factors are important including the time factor. get comfortable with "bad feelings". now i believe that they are not bad. this community and culture programmed us that these feelings are bad, should not be expressed or felt, a taboo. but they are not. there is a lot of growing and maturing because of this pain. sounds cheesy but really my scope on every aspect of life now is very different. i am beginning to love, accept and improve myself. ironically, i do thank my ex for giving me this wake up call to my life unintended. For me NC was a very useful tool. It was initiated by her and kept and maintained by me. It has been 6 months now. I do not know (and do not care) if she is ever going to contact me in the future but i am really indifferent even if contact did happen. i did have a slight attempts of breaking the contact and was given the silent treatment. It was not to try to get her back but to face her with her doings (still was not a good idea) but sometimes you will break contact. be ok with it. sometimes breaking the contact helps. It made me sure of who i am dealing with and not the person i am fantasizing about. i am not recommending this but incase it happens be ok with it sometimes it is useful. a lot of people here (like i did) try to argue about very detailed things concerning the ex. do they lack empathy or not ? do they discard or scapegoat ? etc etc. Not all of our exs are the same. some have BPD and others have cocktail of cluster B traits so forget about it. what you have on the plate is what you get. it was pure abuse so do not waste your energy and feel pain for such details. concerning us, yes most of us have some issues. whether it is insufficient love during childhood or hard times and vulnerability at the time meeting the ex but most of us are good people overall. we do not have a pattern of screwing up people's lives (at least i hope so :P). take your time to heal and detach before fully getting to deal with your own issues. most of us still have the old pattern of being hard on ourselves. this is not good when you are already detaching from a BPD partner (one of the worst pains in life in my own opinion). try to love and accept yourself during the healing process. looking at yourself and dealing with your issues take months if not years. it is not that urgent when you are already socked in your own pain. deal with the break up then deal with yourself. Will you be loved that much again ? i do not know but trust me on this. the only love you really need is from the person in the mirror. I do believe that the unconditional love (we felt during the idealization phase) can only be obtained from God. I also believe that most people on this planet did not get enough love from their parents during childhood. Its ok. we can heal. we can get better. Before this experience i did not like to sit alone. i was running from myself. Now i enjoy it. Now i love myself and i am not waiting for this "unconditional love" supplied by a BPD. I truly accept myself. the good and the bad. working on the bad to be better. when you accept yourself and accept any trait in you, nobody can use it against you. I hope you find growth from this experience Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)



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