Anger

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As my NC continues, I now find all my emotions replaced by one of pure anger - anger at the lies I was told, the way I was made to believe I was the one behaving badly. the clues to her cheating that have only just clicked in my brain, the fact I was potentially exposed to STIs, anger a the wasted time I could have spent on someone healthy, anger at the money I spent, gifts I bought, kind acts and favors, and that she simply moved straight on to someone else once she was finished with me. Anger that I was abused and didn't stand up for myself. But above all anger that I was made a fool of, persuaded through projection that I wrecked everything and made to feel unimaginably miserable.

I'm hoping this is progression of sorts, and the anger will eventually subside. I have a deep desire to wreck her new life in return, and I could easily - but I know this is utterly pointless, and will only set me back, and reinforce her victim status. I know I need to reach a place where I simply no longer care about her, and rarely think of her or what happened.

I know logically that I'm on the up again now, while she continues her hopeless pattern of misery with her ridiculous anyone-will-do rebound. But again, the emotions are difficult to control, and right now it is anger and an unhealthy pointless desire to cause her harm.

The only positive is that anger is much easier that hurt and heartbreak! I can take it out in the gym

Has anyone else experienced their emotions turn to anger as they progress through NC? Is this a sign of progress? I hope detachment is not far behind now! Getting tired of thinking about the past.

[camuse]

As my NC continues, I now find all my emotions replaced by one of pure anger - anger at the lies I was told, the way I was made to believe I was the one behaving badly. the clues to her cheating that have only just clicked in my brain, the fact I was potentially exposed to STIs, anger a the wasted time I could have spent on someone healthy, anger at the money I spent, gifts I bought, kind acts and favors, and that she simply moved straight on to someone else once she was finished with me. Anger that I was abused and didn't stand up for myself. But above all anger that I was made a fool of, persuaded through projection that I wrecked everything and made to feel unimaginably miserable.

I'm hoping this is progression of sorts, and the anger will eventually subside. I have a deep desire to wreck her new life in return, and I could easily - but I know this is utterly pointless, and will only set me back, and reinforce her victim status. I know I need to reach a place where I simply no longer care about her, and rarely think of her or what happened.

I know logically that I'm on the up again now, while she continues her hopeless pattern of misery with her ridiculous anyone-will-do rebound. But again, the emotions are difficult to control, and right now it is anger and an unhealthy pointless desire to cause her harm.

The only positive is that anger is much easier that hurt and heartbreak! I can take it out in the gym

Has anyone else experienced their emotions turn to anger as they progress through NC? Is this a sign of progress? I hope detachment is not far behind now! Getting tired of thinking about the past.

[Pieter2]

Halo Camuse

Yes dude, I totally relate. 100% - I was exactly in the same place. So here are my thoughts.

1. You say that logically you are on the up. Totally! I had the same logic and it is true. It'll take time to make sense of it all. At least you are sound of mind in that you know you are on the up and you also know that you should not wreck her life as that would make her the victim again. That is very positive. You realise that you should be out and this is good.

2. Her lies, cheating etc. says something about HER, not YOU! You will be angry. Hell, I was too. But then, over time, you realise that it's not you and you'll start feeling better. You wouldn't tell a buddy of yours to feel bad if his woman cheated on him, would you? So give yourself the same advice.

3. Realise this now : She won't change. Trust me. She'll be the same with the new guy - Over and over again. You got out. Be glad. Take a spreadsheet and write down every negative thing she said to you and note every fight you had. When you look at the evidence you'll be happy you got out, not angry.

4. Go to the gym - I'm in the best shape I've ever been, don't stop.

5. Lastly, you want revenge. OK. You can get it. Here's how: Do the right thing! They hate abandonment and they want to be the victim. So, No Contact that bitvh and do it now. NO MORE CONTACT. Serve that abandonment up buddy. Ice cold. Secondly, be nice to everyone. Go out, make friends, appreciate your old friends etc. etc. Go and enjoy yourself without this leech.

Good luck dude. You'll get there.

[camuse]

Thanks a lot pieter! Fantastic words of truth there

I'm going to bookmark your post and refer to it when I feel like this, until it passes.

It's so strange having such mixed emotions isn't it?

[Pieter2]

It is strange but at least we both know that you should never go back. If you're not confused about that, you'll be OK.

[Infern0]

I get the anger.

When I was younger I was an angry person, not a great person for a few years there,  terrible temper and always in fights.

Took me a while but I matured and grew up and became a better person. I feel that was used against me.

It's tempting to unleash,  but I don't want this to ruin me.

Revenge would be easy. All I'd have to do is forward some of our Facebook chats or the text or the letters. Her lies are all documented. Her admissions too. I'm sure my replacement would love to see the things she was telling me while she was with him.

But what would that achieve? I'm not dealing with a sane person here. It's not really her fault.  It's the illness. I pity her,  I feel sad for her, I don't want to hurt her. She's in constant pain.

Walk away my friend.  Walk away.

[camuse]

Yeah I thought of forwarding messages to the replacement, or the ex I replaced, or friends she hates, or whoever. But as you say, what really is the point? It wouldn't even make her feel worse. I know walking away is the only thing you can do, hopefully I will eventually have no significant feelings about her either way. It's annoying how long these people stick in your thought long after you are erased from theirs.

[Ripples]

Pieter2,

Good words my friend especially the reference re fearing abandonment. Ive recently had an aha moment. Following recent dialogue concerning my exes recent marriage (which was decided and executed within a  two week window!) she really stressed how much she wanted to be friends and enjoyed seeing my life on fb. Of course that was a red rag to a bull. Needless to say I hope she is feeling a little abandoned today as she realises she has one friend less in her make believe virtual fb world.

Camuse, revenge is a dish best served cold. Try not to dwell on the injustice of it all. Its bloody annoying I know but despite your pain you have the power. Stay focused.

[LuckyNicki]

I struggled with the anger emotion a lot and still do.   It seems to come even stronger after some time a part.  The fog lifts and you realize all that happened and you get extremely pissed. 

The worst is when you begin to think back at certain circumstances that at the time, your gut was telling you something but you gave her the benefit of the doubt and shrugged it off.  You get angry from reaccesing what happened and discover the truth.

An example:

I got even more angry when I thought back at the times when she was intentionally picking fights.  She did it to cause a reaction and when I fell for it, she'd say "I'm done with this".

What really pissed me off is that I now know she did it strategically to push me away because she was getting closer to her ex. 

Our relationship was dependent on how things were going on with her ex.   Knowing this now infuriated me like no other.  Its just such a sick and twisted thing to do to someone.

What has helped me and I started a thread on anger a couple months ago, is that you should find a way to harness your anger into something positive for yourself.

I am generally a very happy person prior to that horrendous relationship so I experienced anger that I have never felt before in my life.   Since it is so strong and new to me, I had to harness that anger into something positive. 

Gym is a good one generally

I am blessed that I have competitive hobbies and I used the anger to push myself to become better at those hobbies so I can "destroy" my opponents.

Its kind of a philosophy I picked up from Michael Jordan.  Use that anger to get better at the things you do and your life. 

Try to avoid revenge and negative behaviors. 

Trust me, I feel like I know exactly why you felt the need to start a thread on anger.  Its probably at a level you've never experienced before.

[LuckyNicki]

Heres a couple more examples:

This thread helps me  vent a bit so bare with me:

When we got into our first fight where I tried to draw a boundary, she wouldn't talk about it over the phone.  And decided to end us, without really resolving the matter.  After NC for 2 days she messages me and says "what if I was pregnant"

And this girl is suppose to go into chemo a week later and she tells me she might be pregnant.    I went into a state of anxiety for 5 hours because she says she wouldn't know the results for another "4 hrs".  Then later she messages me and says "you're off the hook, im not pregnant, but Im glad because I didn't like your reaction".  Lol guilt tripping. How was I suppose to react when im thinking this girl may be pregnant and is going into chemo... .

This chick has ovarian cancer "apparently".  I say apparently because I still thjnk that part of her life is true, but you never know!

Anyways, recently I started dating a pharmacist who had a family member that had the same cancer.  I told her about the pregnancy story my ex threw at me, and she told me that if that girl did have cancer in her ovaries, she should not be taking birth control "pills" but a shot.  Which means that she could not have "missed" her pill and be potentially pregnant.  

She tells me either one has to be a lie:  she either doesn't have cancer or she was faking a pregnancy story.

I am still searching to see if that's a fact, I haven't come across a professional yet.   But the pharmacist seemed pretty certain about it.  

Lol ok thanks for letting me vent some.  But you see how sick people can be?

[Rise]

There is nothing wrong with good old fashioned healthy angry. We all go through it at some point. It would actually worry me more if you didn't feel any anger about things. It's a completely natural emotion to feel. Anger is just another one of the steps in the grieving process (and that's really what we are going through). So yeah it does mean you are moving forward.

The most important thing about anger is to make sure you're acting upon it in a healthy manner, which from what I can see you are doing very well. People can get trapped in the anger, but as long as you are dealing with things in a healthy manner I wouldn't worry about that. Anger can be very much like a scab. It helps cover up a wound while we are healing. As long as you don't let it turn to rumination, it will fall away when it has served it's purpose. Just keep doing what you're doing. Focus the anger in a constructive manner. Let yourself be angry, don't fight it, and when you're ready you'll move onto the next step in healing.

[camuse]

Thanks very much for the posts - lot's of wise words to bear in mind.

I think one reason I'm angry is I never told her I was going NC and she never tried to contact me, so I never got to abandon her properly and wish I had. The last texts from her were one saying she would die without my friendship, followed by a random one about something on TV and I never replied. She never texted again, I think she sensed I wouldn't respond any more and didn't want it confirming.

In the end they are the losers, and we are the winners, and I should pity her for having to treat kind people like dirt just to get by. I was taken for a mug, but I can look myself in the mirror and see a decent human being, albeit one whose good nature and love was taken advantage of.

[Visitor]

I'm hoping this is progression of sorts, and the anger will eventually subside. I have a deep desire to wreck her new life in return, and I could easily - but I know this is utterly pointless, and will only set me back, and reinforce her victim status. I know I need to reach a place where I simply no longer care about her, and rarely think of her or what happened.

Camuse

I guarantee this would be a VERY bad idea. Revenge attacks like this bind us to that person for a much longer time. When the anger subsides you will wish you never did it.

You are going through stages of heartbreak and anger is definitely one of them.

Let time pass and so too will the emotions.

[camuse]

Yes I have no plans at all to actually seek revenge, I just have an urge to.

There's no way I'd act on it, I just want all feelings to fade away til I just don't care.

Thanks though, you are correct of course.

[Pieter2]

Camuse,

You are 100% correct. You'll look stupid if you seek revenge. Let me tell you about revenge. My BPDex went to my family a day after the break-up and told them of all the "bad things" I did and how I "abused" her. So she got her revenge. It was really just everything she did which she accused me of. Then sent me texts with pic of us and message: "Hope you're well". I totally ignored and went NC from the start. She went BALLISTIC! Sending my family messages of how she "hates me" and asking "why can't I just talk to her" because I dropped off her stuff at her house when I knew she was at work. Never contacted me again, but this is how I knew she felt abandoned. You might not be as lucky as me to get some revenge, but since all BPD's are the same essentially (And you know they are) I bet you my bottom dollar she feels it. I guarantee it. And you know the best part : After she went all crazy like that, seeking her revenge and telling my family these things? My family saw the crazy and cut her off too. They all stood by me. BYE BYE BPD - BYE BYE! Best way dude.

[Ryan9181]

Appreciating this thread a lot right now.   It's been only 2 weeks since she split.   And it's been an awful two weeks, the mornings especially are the hardest.   It's like re-living the pain again.  But I'm learning to just watch my body and emotions, let them come up, just watching my heart hurt and knowing its ok. 

But starting last night I started to feel anger.   I have been in a state of denial about all the bad things that occurred, about her behavior, her verbal abuse and small acts of insanity.   I know she kept in touch with her ex, I wonder if she was still seeing/sleeping with him.  I can only assume the worst.   I started making a list in my phone which I will ultimately put in my journal called "ALL THE F'd UP SH*T SHE SAID AND DID".   Now that I have made this list a goal of mine I'm starting to dig up more and more things, from small lies, to accusations, guilt-tripping, irrational behavior and episodes that put gut wrenching pain in my stomach as I tried to make everything better.   On top of this she never paid for a damn thing and I allowed her to make me feel bad for not making enough money compared to all her ex-bf's.   She was a gold digger of sorts, and completely insecure under it all.   It all makes me so sick, I could write a lot more here but I will do that later on.   

I appreciate this thread and seeing how I can harness this anger into positive things for myself.  I'm starting to work out again more, jog, and journal every day.   I am meditating once or twice a day.  I have a health coach.   I am seeing a T once a week.   I dont' ever want to make this mistake again.

I am wondering when and if this anger towards her will become anger towards myself for tolerating this b.s. for months.   I find myself cringing now as I replay some things in my head. 

I certainly have thoughts of a revenge e-mail or letter, outlining all of her issues and how I think she has BPD and needs serious help.    But the motivation of the email would be rooted in revenge.   I want to make my instagram public to her and post a pic about "signs of a dating a borderline" so she reads it and feels it.    She put some insulting things up on Instagram the day after she broke off from me.   I have now deleted the app so I'm not trolling around looking for any garbage she (or her mother for that matter!) are posting, including old pictures of her and her Ex bf (what the heck?).   I wont act on any of these feelings.  And I have her number blocked in my phone since the day it ended so I dont know if she's tried to contact me via phone.   Part of me hopes she has tried, but I doubt it.

I feel like such a sucker right now for all that I put up with.   Later on I may cry because I'm still hurting inside.  But I am happy to feel this anger, it feels like some sort of progress.   I dont know where this will all go, but I look forward to being rid of this for good.   

Although the  situation is different with BPD's I found this article helpful.  I am now past the relapse phase and dipping into the anger phase.   

www.m.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup