am i supposed to care?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

as i've previously posted, my ex and i were moving to phoenix together. after his first rage in our new home, he walked out and broke up with me. i am now in the process of undoing my part of the move. he claimed he was still moving without me. last week he started making excuses and i began to think he wouldn't move after all. honestly, he can't afford it (without me to split the bills) and it seems as if his job there has fallen through (or so he says).

last night, he text to ask when i would be in phoenix again (to get his stuff from our home, i'm assuming). i said i hadn't made plans yet and would let him know. he said "ok." half an hour later, he text again, "i'll be back thursday." (back to our hometown, where i am now - again, i'm assuming). i didn't respond.

i really don't believe he's moving and more than that, am i supposed to care? i don't understand the point of these fleeting interactions.

ps- as i posted this, he text me "hello!" i am beyond tired of this.

[pieceofme]

as i've previously posted, my ex and i were moving to phoenix together. after his first rage in our new home, he walked out and broke up with me. i am now in the process of undoing my part of the move. he claimed he was still moving without me. last week he started making excuses and i began to think he wouldn't move after all. honestly, he can't afford it (without me to split the bills) and it seems as if his job there has fallen through (or so he says).

last night, he text to ask when i would be in phoenix again (to get his stuff from our home, i'm assuming). i said i hadn't made plans yet and would let him know. he said "ok." half an hour later, he text again, "i'll be back thursday." (back to our hometown, where i am now - again, i'm assuming). i didn't respond.

i really don't believe he's moving and more than that, am i supposed to care? i don't understand the point of these fleeting interactions.

ps- as i posted this, he text me "hello!" i am beyond tired of this.

[enlighten me]

These interactions are to gauge your response to him. Its like a small child trying to find out if their parents are still cross with them. Little peeks to judge their mood.

Theyre annoying and will probably continue until he finds someone else. Best thing is to not respond and anything you do have to respond to do so in a emotionless business like manner.

[LettingGo14]

I'm sorry you are going through this pieceofme.

It is difficult to untangle and disengage when our lives intertwine in a relationship.  The first step is to determine what you need to do for you.   If there are administrative things -- like returning items -- you can make a list of the things and decide what schedule works for you.

For me, it was helpful to distinguish between "reacting" and "responding" -- I found myself highly "reactive" for a long time.  Then, I tried to figure out how I wanted to "respond" (that is, on my terms -- rather than in the heat of a moment).

[pieceofme]

enlighten me, i thought he had someone new! his immediate replacement of me was his ex. but she seems to be replaced now, as well. saturday he informed me of this and said he was over me

lettinggo14, i am trying my best to maintain minimal contact and be civil, as he does still have some things at our home in phoenix. as far as i'm concerned, that is the only thing that needs to be discussed/resolved at this point. i am still trying to figure out the best way to return his things, as i do not feel comfortable (or safe) letting him inside.

if i am honest, my heart still skips a beat when i receive a text from him. i still love him, but i absolutely dread our interactions. exercise in futility at its best!

[enlighten me]

Reading between the lines if a BPD has to tell you there over you then theyre not.

Sounds like you've been painted white and he's gauging your response to him.

[seeking balance]

i am trying my best to maintain minimal contact and be civil, as he does still have some things at our home in phoenix. as far as i'm concerned, that is the only thing that needs to be discussed/resolved at this point. i am still trying to figure out the best way to return his things, as i do not feel comfortable (or safe) letting him inside.

One option that I have seen people do to gain a bit of control on these situations is to rent one of those PODS, put his stuff into it, they store it and tell him you have it paid until (pick a month or however long) in his name.  This gets the stuff out of your space and fairly gives him control of when he picks it up.  Otherwise, these things tend to go on months... .my ex didn't get her last things (childhood pics and personal stuff) until almost 2 years after moving out which was close to a year after our final divorce paperwork was signed.

Things are a connection, this is just one of those facts.

if i am honest, my heart still skips a beat when i receive a text from him. i still love him, but i absolutely dread our interactions. exercise in futility at its best!

This is normal - and this is why time with no contact can be so helpful in healing.  Unfortunately, we cannot go NC when there are ties.

Peace,

SB

[pieceofme]

even if i've been painted white, it won't last. at this point, it never does. btw, since my post, he has been calling. i'm not answering.

SB, thank you for the suggestion. i just reserved a small storage unit to store his things. it is unfortunate, but i believe that is the best option for my physical well-being.

[seeking balance]

SB, thank you for the suggestion. i just reserved a small storage unit to store his things. it is unfortunate, but i believe that is the best option for my physical well-being.

good for you - if I could have a "do-over", I wish I would have done the same thing... .healing happens when the ties are cut.

[OutOfEgypt]

These interactions are to gauge your response to him. Its like a small child trying to find out if their parents are still cross with them. Little peeks to judge their mood.

100% the truth.  Period.  I would add that the purpose is to read your reactions so as to guage your level of emotional obsession with him.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Lost count of the number of times my ex told me I was the mostly lowly thing she had ever dated and how I would never hear from her again - her NC typically would last half an hour. Maybe he really is missing you and wants you back - or maybe the others have had enough and he is after validation from yourself.

[pieceofme]

he has been calling and texting all day, but i have held my ground and remained silent. his last text was, "why are you ignoring me?" very child-like, indeed.

it breaks my heart to ignore him, but i can't deal with him anymore. i am exhausted and the thought of being rejected even once more is too much for me to handle.

mrconfused, i have heard the same a million times. i think their MO is to cut us off in hopes we chase after them. it's all about control.

[enlighten me]

The thing with NC is that you don't know what the other person is thinking or doing. As frustrating as it is for us nons it must be a lot worse for a BPD.

They are very good at assessing moods when face to face. They can easily misinterpret written communication. But no communication leaves them like us wondering what we really think of them. The inner turmoil they suffer must magnify this hence the bombardments of texts and phone calls and the desperation of drive bys and turning up where they know you will be.

They either find someone new and then your not as important to them or they eventually make their mind up about why you wont answer them and stop. Every now and again they are curious and will reach out. This may be just a one off or if they are alone then may be more frequent.

[elessar]

They are very good at assessing moods when face to face. They can easily misinterpret written communication.

Every now and again they are curious and will reach out.

True.

[pieceofme]

it is frustrating, enlighten me. but i've given up trying to understand what he is thinking. even if i figure it out, his mind changes so frequently i can't keep up!

it worries me... .ignoring him... .i feel like it gives him fuel for his fire to hate me. like i'm just proving his point that i'm a horrible partner. i can't win.

[OutOfEgypt]

it worries me... .ignoring him... .i feel like it gives him fuel for his fire to hate me. like i'm just proving his point that i'm a horrible partner. i can't win.

This is why part of detaching means re-anchoring ourselves in reality.  He *may* think it makes you a horrible partner.  But does it?  No, not in reality.  You are doing it because he is destructive and abusive and not good for you.  And yes, you *can't* win when you try to play their game... .ever.  That *is* their game.  You always lose.  You never did enough.  You are to blame.  It's your fault.  Etc. etc.  But their game is a crock of #.  It matters little what you do... .even if you kissed his rear end for the next decade, he would still blame you.  Gotta let go of their game and realize it is rigged intentionally.  Let it go.  You don't have to "win" because there is no such thing as "winning."  You win be letting go and no longer playing.

I realize, understandably, that you don't want him to hate you, but if you had to choose between him having a temporary temper tantrum and painting you black for a few months, tops, until he found another victim, or staying in the grips of his guilt-tripping and manipulation for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

[enlighten me]

Yes he may think that you are horrible for not replying. So what. What I have come to understand is that no matter what you do you will at some point be thought of as a horrible person.

You need to worry less about how they see you and more about your own happiness. Use whatever tool you need to turn the attempts to contact you into something that doesn't upset you. Laugh at how pathetic they are, sing a silly song whatever makes it bearable.

Eventually they will stop. As long as you remain NC and keep the boundaries.

[pieceofme]

thank you, outofegypt and enlighten me, for your insight and support. i have nearly made it through the day. his last text this afternoon was, "i need your help," but i maintained my boundary. i hate thinking he hates me, but you both are right. i need to shift my focus back to me. i hope i am strong enough to keep this up!

another phone call as i type this. ARGH I AM LOSING MY MIND!