She might have gotten engaged...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I think my ex got engaged this weekend. I thought she was off all my social media. But Saturday evening saw a photo pop up on Instagram with her all dressed up with heavy jewelry and make up... .in our culture you dress up like that as a bride/having an engagement ceremony. Plus she wanted to get married in late August when she broke up with me last month.

Just 6.5 weeks back she wanted to marry me. 6 weeks back today she told me she has accepted someone else's proposal and we have been NC since then, which has tied her longest NC since she came back after a 4+ year NC in late 2010.

Its been weird. I have gone through this push and pull with her since Fall 2004. I have gone through all the heaven and hell everyone here has talked about. But this has hit my ego and self-esteem because I was the only one there when she had no one. It sucks because the people she has painted white are the people who have abused her since childhood, or didn't protect her/nor care when she was sexually abused for years. And they are the ones for whom she left me.

She pushes and pulls every couple of months, and when this pull began in April I knew it will end. But she was amazing in how she had me convinced by last month that she was here to stay. I can't believe I fell for it this time, for those words and love bombardment. Yet one afternoon in July she went from being with me to saying yes to someone else. 10 years of push and pull, 13 years of friendship just disappeared.

And what sucks even more is that she hid me all these years. Only her immediate family and couple of friends know of my existence. And she would only tell them long after we were through. And tell them as if we were passively dating, with nothing serious ever happening between us. So for 99% of the people in her life, she is the high functioning great dentist who has never been in a relationship, is a virgin (huge in her culture), very religious (lies), and who is happily getting married to another doctor she has known for 2 months.

On my side, I am just wondering what the hell happened to my life these past 10 years. Why did I let this happen... .

[elessar]

I think my ex got engaged this weekend. I thought she was off all my social media. But Saturday evening saw a photo pop up on Instagram with her all dressed up with heavy jewelry and make up... .in our culture you dress up like that as a bride/having an engagement ceremony. Plus she wanted to get married in late August when she broke up with me last month.

Just 6.5 weeks back she wanted to marry me. 6 weeks back today she told me she has accepted someone else's proposal and we have been NC since then, which has tied her longest NC since she came back after a 4+ year NC in late 2010.

Its been weird. I have gone through this push and pull with her since Fall 2004. I have gone through all the heaven and hell everyone here has talked about. But this has hit my ego and self-esteem because I was the only one there when she had no one. It sucks because the people she has painted white are the people who have abused her since childhood, or didn't protect her/nor care when she was sexually abused for years. And they are the ones for whom she left me.

She pushes and pulls every couple of months, and when this pull began in April I knew it will end. But she was amazing in how she had me convinced by last month that she was here to stay. I can't believe I fell for it this time, for those words and love bombardment. Yet one afternoon in July she went from being with me to saying yes to someone else. 10 years of push and pull, 13 years of friendship just disappeared.

And what sucks even more is that she hid me all these years. Only her immediate family and couple of friends know of my existence. And she would only tell them long after we were through. And tell them as if we were passively dating, with nothing serious ever happening between us. So for 99% of the people in her life, she is the high functioning great dentist who has never been in a relationship, is a virgin (huge in her culture), very religious (lies), and who is happily getting married to another doctor she has known for 2 months.

On my side, I am just wondering what the hell happened to my life these past 10 years. Why did I let this happen... .

[OutOfEgypt]

Sorry, my friend.  I know how disillusioning it can feel.

On my side, I am just wondering what the hell happened to my life these past 10 years. Why did I let this happen... .

We can all talk about the psychological reasons... .we fell for someone who put us up on this high pedestal and seemed to be everything we wanted, we tied our self-esteem to them, etc... .but at the end of the day, we are just people.  We aren't "stupid".  We aren't "weak."  We aren't morons.  We are just people who thought we found love and were duped by someone who is good at duping people and getting what they want, while they swing to the next person.  Learn from it.  Grow from it.  Let it show you want you do and do not want moving forward, and praise God above that you got out while you did.  Some people never do... .ever.

[Caramel]

I am so sorry Elessar. This is a difficult time, please be kind to yourself. Do not beat yourself up. There is nothing wrong with loving and trusting. That's what healthy people do. There is also a reason why you tolerated abuse for so long. In time you will find that out and that realization will alter your life forever. But for now, you just need to be easy on yourself and let your mind and soul heal. Give yourself the compassion you need to get through this difficult time. You will get through this. I promise.

Nothing's changed on her side. She doesn't know what she wants. He is not better than you. Don't think that the other person is going to experience anything different to you. It's a disorder. It treats everyone the same way. There are no exceptions. Don't envy him. He doesn't know what he is stepping into.

On your side, there is a lot of pain, A LOT OF PAIN Elessar, I understand. But you will get over this pain, and once you do, there is going to be a future free from drama and abuse. You deserve that.

We are here for you. Please take care of yourself.  

[RisingSun]

elessar,

I so feel your pain. I asked myself "why did I let this happen?" as well.

This is a typical question to ask after a relationship like this ends.

It helps to realize that this path you chose to experience with this woman was based on feeling, not so much thought.

You felt love for her, this love is what guided you. Thought was secondary to the feeling of love that was bonding you

to this woman.

To ask yourself the question "why did I let this happen" in retrospect, can be as simple or complex an answer as you choose.

Love is the simple answer, you followed your heart.

The complex answer involves dredging back through all those past years of the twisting pathways you chose to follow with her.

You'll still continue to question why you chose to stay, even after you dig through the past for answers.

It's a never ending maze that gives little relief from the nagging question, "why did I let this happen".

I know the desire of wanting the "why" questions answered.

But as soon as I stopped asking why and understood I simply loved another who could not love, I was on my way to healing

and moving on with my life.

I wish you the best in healing from this tragic relationship. Don't forget, NC protects your sanity   It's essential to full recovery.





 

[elessar]

Thanks guys! Those were some amazing and insightful replies  

One thing I am struggling with right now is how in my society, this relationship of me and her means nothing... .because we were never married. Its like, an 18 year old married for a week is a "better" relationship than a 28 year old in a 10-year romantic relationship. And this lack of validation gets to me. I feel this is the only place I can get validation. People in real life tell me "well you guys just dated, it wasn't that big of a deal". Oh how can I explain what a borderline relationship is like, and also ask them why the prejudice against non-marital relationship. If I try to describe what it was, many refuse to believe me that she can be what she was. The curse of being with an invisible high-functioning borderline... .

And so, our decade long ups and downs doesn't mean anything compared to her few weeks old "official relationship". After hiding me for 10 years, she can show him off to everyone. Its like me and my relationship and my feelings were just invisible.

And thinking about it, she never committed herself to me. She always pulled me in, but once she pulled me in it was always "I don't know, I am not sure" about us. She always wanted that tall, dark, handsome, macho man type guy who would call himself a Muslim but wouldn't practice much (so she can have it both ways - be known as religious but get out of it by not practicing), and even when she was with me she would always complain "why am I not getting proposals? what is wrong with me that other men aren't approaching me for marriage?" its like I was just her placeholder till she found her high-earning prince charming. oh the number of times she has told "you are no prince charming". reminds me of how much she is attracted to flirts. back in college she used to say "i love to flirt, and you have to get used to it and not be jealous or possessive"... .

I don't know what was real in these past 10 years. Was anything about us real? Or am I going to be left wondering forever, and my pain will remain invisible and invalid for everyone around me.

[elessar]

I mean, its not even like I never asked her to marry me. Been doing that for 8 years. Even asked her with a ring a couple of years back. Yet she always complained I am not showing commitment. She even slapped me twice for not showing commitment... .yet every time she would complain "we wouldn't work out in future and I am afraid you will leave me." aah the classic borderline fear of abandonment. so how did she go to him like that... .that suddenly, when earlier that afternoon she wanted no one else but me... .

Last month, that was one of the excuses for choosing him... ."only if you had told me lets get married", and that I am not as rich as him. . writing this makes me think I am crazy for having put up with all of this.

[RisingSun]

I don't know what was real in these past 10 years. Was anything about us real? Or am I going to be left wondering forever, and my pain will remain invisible and invalid for everyone around me.

It sounds like your love was real. That's all that matters now.

B's can't love. Love is poison to a B. Love triggers abandonment issues in them. Whatever love you felt coming from her was only her clinging and controlling you.

You just perceived this as her loving you. I know this is hard to hear but it's the truth. Sad as it is. Let this truth sink in. t will help you move forward.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with your family and friends invalidating your feelings. It's bad enough you BPDgf did this.

You're friends and family will not fully understand the issues you experienced with a relationship with someone with PD.

Just think about how hard it is for you to wrap your head around the dynamics. It's doubly hard for others on the outside to understand.

That's why this forum is so helpful. We understand better than anyone else the pain and confusion you're experiencing. Keep reading and posting.

This will help you tremendously.

People with PD frequently want others to think they have a thriving spiritual life. They want to seem compassionate, empathetic and having high

moral standers. As you know, truly practicing religion takes introspection. PDs don't want to look within. That's were their demons hide.

So it's understandable that she would rather be with someone who doesn't truly practice the Muslim faith like yourself. You would be seen as a threat

to her religious facade. 

[Tolou]

Eless... .

Sorry to hear, but someone who do that to you, you are better off without in the long run... .Work on you!

4 years NC? Then how did is suddenly start up again?

[Caramel]

Elessar, your love for her was/is true. Your relationship with her was real. 10 years of relationship is real. You don't need to prove it to anyone. You know it and that's enough. Validate yourself. A two months old relationship is not superior to a 10 year old relationship only because of a piece of paper. You know that.

She knows that too. That's why she is blaming you, that's why she is hiding behind all the cultural and religious formalities. Because that makes her feel less guilty.

10 years of relationship and friendship is a huge bond.

You did everything you could Elessar. There was not anything you could do differently to change the outcome. Even if you were a doctor she would have abused and left you. It's not about who you are and what you do. It's about a disorder that dictates the outcome of every relationships a BPD has.

You deserve to live happily. You deserve to give and receive love. You deserve to live in peace. You do not deserve to live in fear. You do not deserve to walk on egg shells. You do not deserve to be slapped.

Life is short. Life is beautiful. You deserve to enjoy it. YOU DO.   

[elessar]

Thanks for those kind words folks.

Tolou... .the way she came back after 4 years was bizarre. In late September 2010, I got a message on FB from someone named "Jaime Jane", if my ex's name was "Jane Smith". Seeing part of her name put doubt in my mind. This girl started flirting right away, and eventually told me "I am a co-worker of your ex. She thinks about you, talks about you and misses you. You should contact her." I repeatedly refused because back in 2006 my ex told me never to contact her. In those 4 years I never stopped loving her, so never dated anyone. This person tried every trick and manipulation to make me contact my ex, including "if you don't take this risk, how will you get your reward" and "today is her last day at this job and she is moving away. it is your last chance to see her." when I kept refusing for a month, that person left with "My work here is done." That same day, my ex unblocked me on FB after 4 years and told me "My coworker tells me that you want to speak to me and that I should contact you." Her next sentence was "I am disappointed that you are not following religion any more". I will come to that topic later. Then my ex asks me to meet her because "I am going to get married very soon, and wanted to see you one last time". We meet, and I saw a different human being... .a child. She kissed me, told me she still loves me and was waiting for me to contact her over the last 4 years. I asked her to marry me, and she said no. Two months later around Christmas 2010, she again started contacting me complaining how horrible her life has been because of her family. The things she described about her mother, I came to realize many years later that she is talking about "gaslighting". I am not sure if her mother gaslights my ex's feelings, or my ex imagines it. I have a faint doubt that her mother is a quite borderline. So that's how we got back together, her wanting me to save her and taken away from her parents, and me having this savior mentality. In February 2011 she confessed that her "co-worker" was her. Of course, 6 months later her parents were split white, and I was split black. Then, even if they hit her or threaten to kill her, "they do it out of love." Makes me sick how she defends their abusive behavior. When she came out about her years of sexual abuse, her mom's first question was "did they penetrate you. your future husband would want a virgin". her father's words - we can't do anything now. her sister's words - you are selfish wanting to expose your uncles. her aunt's words - please do not bring dishonor to this family by making this public. please sacrifice your happiness for us.

RisingSun - I am not a Muslim. My apologies if I wasn't clear. For her crazy family, me being the "hell-bound infidel" was the reason they were against our relationship. But they, along with my ex, just care about appearances. Her father's reasons were - what will people say if my daughter marries you. She used to say - what people think about me matters more to me than life itself. That's why they wanted someone who was a born Muslim, but not very practicing. Because practicing faith requires sacrifices, and she doesn't want to sacrifice the things her religion forbids. But she wants to maintain that appearance that she is a religious person. It is the same thing I noticed about her physicality. She would hours upon hours fixing her face. Over the years, her make-up preferences have gone from simple to so over-the-top that she sometimes looks like a horror movie character! It is like she feels so damaged that she tries to cover her inner damage by trying to fix her outward appearances. And also probably because she is a raging narcissist, like the rest of her family. It is all about appearances for others. Couple of years back she dared to leave home wearing jeans, and her brother prevented her from going out without being fully covered in Islamic garments. But the clothes they wear at parties in their homes... .

For the last couple of years, she has gone full histrionic with her enabling coworkers. She leaves home full covered, and takes everything off in her car and goes out drinking and clubbing... .and she would tell me who was touching her or feeling her up or how her boss was all over her or how much cleavage she was showing... .So much for wanting a religious husband... .

Caramel - I am now following those words to take care of myself. I recently realized that so much of my physical ailments are probably a result of my chronic stress. She has always complained about body aches the entire time I have known her, and I am guessing those pains are real because she is never not under stress. I deserve to be stress free and pain free!

[Tolou]

Elessar- That is bizarre to have contacted you that way after all those years... .Probably wanted to know she has someone just incase she bails out on this next, how sad... .You don't deserve to be in a relationship like that, it isn't healthy at all, religion aside and everything, you can do way better for yourself once you start taking care of yourself. Goodluck and keep posting