Messed Up, Broke NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I did it. I stopped coming to the forum, which reading when I felt like contacting her would help me not. First I replied to an e-mail of hers, in which I pretty objectively wrote out a response to what she had said. I don't really regret that.

I broke up with her. We just got off the phone. It wasn't that she said anything bad really. Obviously she's seeing other people. Or doing "what she does," meaning hooking up with people not having a relationship.

I feel sick. Anxious. Like teary depressed but not anywhere near crying, just sadness. Disappointed in myself. I don't know why I called her back. I just wish I had left it at the e-mail. Everything bad I used to feel that I forgot about has come flooding back.

Needless to say I now know I made the right choice breaking up, but for whatever reason now it feels like she's the one who has left me. EFF!

I needed to vent somewhere people may understand or relate. That's like 2 1/2 months NC back to day 0.

[blindjoe]

I did it. I stopped coming to the forum, which reading when I felt like contacting her would help me not. First I replied to an e-mail of hers, in which I pretty objectively wrote out a response to what she had said. I don't really regret that.

I broke up with her. We just got off the phone. It wasn't that she said anything bad really. Obviously she's seeing other people. Or doing "what she does," meaning hooking up with people not having a relationship.

I feel sick. Anxious. Like teary depressed but not anywhere near crying, just sadness. Disappointed in myself. I don't know why I called her back. I just wish I had left it at the e-mail. Everything bad I used to feel that I forgot about has come flooding back.

Needless to say I now know I made the right choice breaking up, but for whatever reason now it feels like she's the one who has left me. EFF!

I needed to vent somewhere people may understand or relate. That's like 2 1/2 months NC back to day 0.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

You are probably feeling exactly the way your ex wanted you to feel.  Master manipulators.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  We miss them - we make contact.  But they will instantly detect any weakness and punish you for it.  It is quite extraordinary the way they do it.  Masterful. I guess starting again on NC is the way to go.  If you need to contact make sure your head is straight and strong.

[seeking balance]

Don't beat yourself up, it really is going to be ok.  You have a gauge on where you are emotionally and what you need next.  Keep in mind, you went 2 1/2 months, that is really good!

Can you identify the emotion you felt that made you reach out? 

When I was able to clearly identify my emotions so I could process them in a manner serving my best interest, it really helped a lot. 

Peace,

SB

[blindjoe]

Don't beat yourself up, it really is going to be ok.  You have a gauge on where you are emotionally and what you need next.  Keep in mind, you went 2 1/2 months, that is really good!

Can you identify the emotion you felt that made you reach out? 

When I was able to clearly identify my emotions so I could process them in a manner serving my best interest, it really helped a lot. 

Peace,

SB

Thanks for both your replies.

I think I just missed her. I was/am lonely. I haven't been able to date/meet other people I've liked & really she was my only social outlet. So I think basically having no friends or anything I do but dwell long enough made me overlook my decision and in a way reach out.

Part of me feels like I just purposely prolonged my own agony like I won't let myself be happy. But part of me hoped she had not just jumped onto the next bone & would be willing to wok things out.

My circumstances in life aren't really conducive to meeting people and since I also quit drinking a long time ago I literally don't know what to do with my free time anymore. It was all spent with her previously, for years.

It's just ___ty BPD or not I shouldn't have contacted her. I look forward to a year from now though when this is all behind me. I realize now how much I need to let myself heal from all the crap I went through with her.

[Visitor]

An overwhelming feeling of loneliness is all part of heartbreak. " girlfriends ago I was dumped and I remember thinking "I'm never going to meet somebody again... .all I want is her... I'm so lonely".

I look back now and don't know how I ever got into the state I did. Its all a load of chemicals going off in your brain. Time really does heel it all so just let it pass and go through the stages as they come. Researching heartbreak will help you understand them.

Dont get hung up on the fact that you contacted her... it will all seem so irrelevant in the future.

[seeking balance]

I was/am lonely.

Yeah, being lonely is hard.  The thing is, everyone feels lonely sometimes and your brain (kinda like muscle memory) remembers your ex as someone who helped that feeling in the past.  It is in these moments that I think we can get the most empathy for what it must be like with BPD... .we react without thought of consequence.

You didn't do anything that me or anyone else on this board has not done, so try to be gentle with yourself.

I found dating even more lonely until I was really ready - maybe focus on spending time with friends or making new friends right now and give your heart time to heal.

Next time you feel that intense loneliness, read this thread and "do" something different in response; once you establish a new pattern of behavior (crying, working out, etc) to the lonely, you develop new self soothing patterns and the attachment to the ex dissolves.

Hang in there,

SB

[Visitor]

I was/am lonely.

  The thing is, everyone feels lonely sometimes and your brain (kinda like muscle memory) remembers your ex as someone who helped that feeling in the past.  It is in these moments that I think we can get the most empathy for what it must be like with BPD... .we react without thought of consequence.

Wow that is one of the most insightful things I have heard said on this board.

It really got me thinking as I have done things out of anger also and regretted it after. Imagine being in a constant state of hyper anger all the time.